My fiance (26M) and I (25F) are getting married next May. I am also going to be a bridesmaid in my brother (23M) and his fiancé’s (23F) wedding in the next few months. They got engaged in Sept 2024, and I got engaged in Dec 2024. I did not pressure my partner to propose or anything after my brother proposed to his partner, it happened organically. He was going to propose anyways just waited a few months after them to be courteous.
So my future SIL (I’m just gonna call her SIL) got a dress a few months ago. It’s very pretty. A couple of weeks ago I picked out a dress after trying on 14 different dresses. I loved it, I thought it looked great on me, I didn’t even THINK about my SIL’s dress and how it looked. They are different dresses. Different necklines, different fabrics, different designs, and mine is strapless. Only similarity is the silhouette which is form-fitting. But when I texted her a pic she said, “don’t send this to (my brother) because it looks so similar.” And I was like…okay? They don’t look similar, and they are not the same dress. I thought it was weird but didn’t worry about it.
A week or so later my brother calls me to essentially berate me for picking a similar dress. The whole phone call was him speaking for my SIL. “Just hear us out and how she’s feeling…” he says. He went on about how she feels that it is a competition, and how I picked out a similar dress and we got engaged right after she did (we really didn’t, also our wedding is months away from theirs). And I guess she is resentful that she is planning her wedding all by herself, but my Mom and Dad are helping me out financially and in the planning. I have not asked anything from her once.
It just upsets me because I really think that I didn’t…do anything? Not even “oh I didn’t intentionally mean anything by that”, like I seriously don’t think I did anything that was offensive. It felt like my brother and SIL are attacking me and demanding that I explain myself, which I don’t think I should have to. When I told him he was like “I believe you…” why should you have to believe me??
I texted her this morning to say that I’m sorry about the whole thing, and I don’t think the dresses are similar. She kind of passive aggressively replies “I know you think I’m being childish, but if we talk about it you can understand where I’m coming from. And I don’t think work is the time or place to talk about it.” LOL like wtf?? Acting like you’re so mature because I texted you at work and you can ignore me and act like you’re so busy. Frankly I don’t think I’ll ever understand where you’re coming from because I literally didn’t do anything. This is like…her problem? Should she just be happy for me? AITA?
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My fiance (26M) and I (25F) are getting married next May. I am also going to be a bridesmaid in my brother (23M) and his fiancé’s (23F) wedding in the next few months. They got engaged in Sept 2024, and I got engaged in Dec 2024. I did not pressure my partner to propose or anything after my brother proposed to his partner, it happened organically. He was going to propose anyways just waited a few months after them to be courteous.
So my future SIL (I’m just gonna call her SIL) got a dress a few months ago. It’s very pretty. A couple of weeks ago I picked out a dress after trying on 14 different dresses. I loved it, I thought it looked great on me, I didn’t even THINK about my SIL’s dress and how it looked. They are different dresses. Different necklines, different fabrics, different designs, and mine is strapless. Only similarity is the silhouette which is form-fitting. But when I texted her a pic she said, “don’t send this to (my brother) because it looks so similar.” And I was like…okay? They don’t look similar, and they are not the same dress. I thought it was weird but didn’t worry about it.
A week or so later my brother calls me to essentially berate me for picking a similar dress. The whole phone call was him speaking for my SIL. “Just hear us out and how she’s feeling…” he says. He went on about how she feels that it is a competition, and how I picked out a similar dress and we got engaged right after she did (we really didn’t, also our wedding is months away from theirs). And I guess she is resentful that she is planning her wedding all by herself, but my Mom and Dad are helping me out financially and in the planning. I have not asked anything from her once.
It just upsets me because I really think that I didn’t…do anything? Not even “oh I didn’t intentionally mean anything by that”, like I seriously don’t think I did anything that was offensive. It felt like my brother and SIL are attacking me and demanding that I explain myself, which I don’t think I should have to. When I told him he was like “I believe you…” why should you have to believe me??
I texted her this morning to say that I’m sorry about the whole thing, and I don’t think the dresses are similar. She kind of passive aggressively replies “I know you think I’m being childish, but if we talk about it you can understand where I’m coming from. And I don’t think work is the time or place to talk about it.” LOL like wtf?? Acting like you’re so mature because I texted you at work and you can ignore me and act like you’re so busy. Frankly I don’t think I’ll ever understand where you’re coming from because I literally didn’t do anything. This is like…her problem? Should she just be happy for me? AITA?
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> I think that maybe I did get engaged too quickly after her and I did buy a dress without really thinking about hers. Maybe I am being inconsiderate.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. All wedding dresses are similar. Your SIL is generating drama because her wedding seems to be more about giving her a spotlight than about building a family.
> LOL like wtf?? Acting like you’re so mature because I texted you at work and you can ignore me and act like you’re so busy.
I mean, it’s pretty reasonable for her to not want to get into a conversation with you about this while she’s working. Her other behavior isn’t great, but this isn’t really an “LOL like wtf” sort of statement. Getting your brother to confront you about your wedding dress is much more ridiculous.
Info: are you able to like…show examples of the dresses? even if just a not exact google of them?
YTA for the way you are reacting to her. You think you know her side of the story but she’s asking you to have a real conversation and listen to her. Saying she “thinks she’s so mature” actually makes you sound really immature, and saying you don’t think you’ll ever understand where she’s coming from makes you sound very stubborn and well, like an AH.
Maybe she is being ridiculous. Maybe you haven’t done anything wrong. But you are clearly hurting a family member who simply wants to talk things out – you two are family now. Don’t start out on a bad note. Resolve this like adults. At least give her the time of day to hear her out before assuming you are doing everything right and she should just be happy for you.
NTA. People think they own the entire fucking year when they get married.
You haven’t done anything wrong. She’s being nuts.
NTA but just leave it. She can feel her feels, you can talk to your brother only, and be polite when everyone’s together, and if she’s not completely bonkers she’ll forget about it after all the wedding things are through.
Does she have a good relationship with your mother? What’s her family situation. This is not about the dress, or even about you, except likely jealousy about family situations.
Be happy for her and your brother at their wedding, be sure not to do anything to draw attention at their wedding, give them a nice gift, and move on.
Sounds like my SIL. NTA.
I got married this year and my close family member is getting married in a few months and our dresses are really similar but I don’t care because I’m not a spoilt child 😅 tell her to touch grass
NTA. “What do you mean your dress is white? My dress is white”. Whaaaaa!!!. Cue meltdown. SIL sounds controlling. Keep all details to yourself about your wedding and don’t engage her about her details. She sounds very immature and overwhelmed. Why is she doing everything on her own? Where’s your bro and her family and bridesmaids?
NTA, but why would you apologize on these facts? You’ve just given her fodder to continue her inane tirade.
This is ridiculous, so don’t foster it.
NTA. This will be long, because I was kind of in your SiL’s position. My brother and his wife got engaged 9 months after my husband and I, and got married two months before we did.
We had similar hairstyles, menus, ceremonies, and cakes (three flavors, the main one was cinnamon). She decided to make her brother her bridesman because I had asked mine to be one, and she thought it was cute and wanted to do that, too! (This was after she suggested asking me to be a bridesmaid, but my mother apparently shot it down because our sister would feel left out, which she would, even if they aren’t close, but why shouldn’t her brother, whom she’s close to, be part of her wedding?)
None of this is because we were or are in competition with each other. It’s because we like similar things and are at similar points in our lives! Similar things were in style when we got married! Our dresses were the same silhouette (strappy A-line with low backs), but with different details (mine was beaded and chiffon, her’s was lace with leaf motifs), because that’s what was in style and we have similar tastes, not because she was copying me. She had no clue what my dress looked like when she picked hers, and NO ONE sane would have thought our dresses were all that similar beyond the fact that they were both wedding dresses.
But that’s because she and I have incredibly similar tastes. We’re not the same person at all, but we’re roughly the same age, and we get along super well. We even somehow ended pregnant at the same time (she’s due two months after I am), and we ended up telling each other on the same day because we had both planned it that way.
The problem is the wedding industry and social media makes your SiL feel like she must be unique, at least among her peer group, and that includes you. But comparison is the thief of joy. Hopefully she’ll realize that, but you shouldn’t have to put your life on hold for their wedding. People get weird with weddings.
WTF? My brother proposed to his now wife in September, mu now husband and I had been together longer and he had already bought a ring to propose in November. They married September a year later, we married six months later in March. The only discussion we had at any point was my SIL asking me not to send thank you cards to our mutual guests before she did (much bigger wedding so took longer to write them out).
YTA for how you’re handling this, not because you have a similar dress. Be the older sister you are and hear her out. Maybe she’s concerned folks will compare her figure to yours in the similar dresses and make judgements? This isn’t a reason not to move forward with your dress, but talking about it gives you opportunities to support her/ change her mind so you’re on the same page.
INFO- I need to see what these dresses look like before I make an accurate judgment
NTA- your SIL has misplaced anger or resentment and she is taking it out on you. Honestly, your brother needs to do a better job. He is essentially trying to bully you into another dress. How can he say he believes you but also saying you are competing with them. They need to understand that the world does not revolve around them.
Nta. Your SIL is jealous. If she were happy in what she had, she wouldn’t be comparing it to what you’re doing.
I wish women would stop seeing other women as competition. Like, do your thing and stop worrying about what everyone else is doing. Weddings especially seem to bring out the worst. Just stop sharing what you are doing and ask her to do the same. There’s literally nothing to fight about and given how she feels about you step down from being a bridesmaid. Personally I would just refuse to engage.
YTA. I was actually on your side until the end. That response to her very polite, direct message indicating it wasn’t okay for her to talk while she was at work really gives a look into the type of person you may be. That you find that “immature” is telling. You are not the center of anyone’s world but your own, defaulting to she’s just lying instead of WORKING at her job is ridiculous. People work, many people can’t text or talk at work. Your response shows you actually don’t care to communicate about this or you’d understand and set some time where she could talk since she clearly wanted to. It does make you wonder what else you’re not telling about your attitude and behavior.
NTA
NTA
Just block SIL, and ignore her. Let her go through your brother. And tell him: YOUR Wedding is none of his business.
NTA but don’t continue to share details more than is absolutely necessary. Next thing you know, she’ll be mad because you are also having flowers at your wedding 🤣
If you can feel like you’d have a meaningful conversation with your brother, maybe just open lines of communication by saying something like “hey we’re both planning weddings. They are both important events in our lives and our families. It’s inevitable that some things will seem similar but I’m not trying to copy or imitate your details on purpose. Please let’s be kind to each other and know that I only have the best intentions.”
The truth is their wedding is months before yours so even if you DID copy something they do, you’d be doing it second and look like you were copying them. I’m not sure how that affects them or their planning. I don’t really understand these brides who think they have ownership over all things wedding while planning a wedding.
NTA- okay this is a them problem not a you problem.
So you have options.
1 -You can sit down with both of them. And maybe a neutral party and clear the air. But I’m guessing the way that they’re acting that they don’t want that.
2- Be the bigger person because they aren’t. They’re going to do their best to spread the narrative of you being a copycat.
Add a non-apology. Tell them that you’re so sorry that bride feels that your address is too similar to hers. She could have spoken to in person and addressed this instead of sending a text. Because in person is really the place to discuss things like this. Isn’t it?
I mean a text is how she told you how she felt?
Just don’t look narcissists hate it when you withhold attention. Stay in your own lane.
Do not share any information about your own wedding lest she think you’re copying her further.
Right now your brother and his issues and his future wedding are his issues.
Basically anything you do from the vibe I’m getting she would treat it like you’re copying her. I am plus sized. I can guarantee my dress did not look anything your guys’s would look like.
But it was form fitting. I mean how many dresses aren’t? Isn’t that the point of something getting fitted?
So non-apology would be, I’m sorry I don’t think that they look anything like that. Since this is such a big concern of of yours, I will make sure to keep anything regarding my wedding private and not add to your stress.
And understand weddings just have coincidences. Chances are there’s going to be people wearing black suits. And women wearing white dresses. Flowers. Shiny things.
And then just make sure that your brother and his girlfriend are on a strict information less diet.
Talk to your mom or your parents or whatever. Let them know that she feels that anything you do might be copying her.
You want to be delicate with this new family member. So do not share any details about your wedding with her. For her anxiety sake.
NTA. Wear whatever you want. Just don’t share your decisions with them.
Lots of people get engaged, plan a wedding, and pick out a white dress. Does she think this was her original idea? What a drama queen.
NTA just don’t share ANY info with SIL and brother. Tell your parents to keep the info to themselves as well. She cannot claim an entire year and expect everyone to put a hold on their lives because she’s getting married.
It sounds like a lot of miscommunication and a lot of petty little nonsense. I’m sure there’s part of it where you’re in the right and part where she is – but it all sounds like a bundle of emotions that needs to be talked out in person so that everyone is understanding and on the same page.
I don’t read her last text as passive aggressive at all. You shouldn’t infer that it is and should schedule a time to sit and talk about the whole situation and resolve it where nobody is an AH and everyone is happy.
INFO: Can you share photos of both dresses? You make it sound like they’re nothing alike (other than the silhouette), but I feel like there must be something about your dress that is bothering your SIL. It would be helpful to see the dresses to judge for ourselves.
NTA. my best friend and her sister in law got married in the same summer. it was intense but the burden falls on the bride’s family more than the grooms so her in laws were only footing the bill for one wedding. my guess is your SIL thinks your family would be shelling out more money if you weren’t getting married too. but how long is a reasonable amount of time for you to put your life on hold for her? my guess is she doesn’t give two squirts about your wedding or your plans. don’t wait for your happiness because she’s always going to have a petty excuse for why you are wronging her. even if your dress was possibly similar, which all white dresses are, it doesn’t give her the right to shit on you and your big day. this is all about her feelings and no one else’s.
ESH you’re both incredibly ridiculous.
Puh-lease ignore!
Congrats, you are more emotionally intelligent than she is. Unfortunately there is probably nothing you can do about it. But maybe try asking her what concrete steps you could take—not including wearing a different dress or giving them control of your planning—that would make her feel better. Then if she can’t think of anything, tell her that since there’s nothing to be done, she will need to live with her feelings and not rent them out to you.
YTA. You can’t understand how your future SIL and brother would be frustrated that your parents are paying for your wedding and not paying anything for your brother’s because of tradition???
Sounds like you have very little empathy to me!
Why can’t the money be split between both of you? Seems fair to me.
Jeepers…
NTA. There are only about three common silhouettes for wedding dresses – it’s almost a given that you’ll be wearing one of them and at least two of those silhouettes will in some way resemble hers.
Unless she wants you to do the “Southern Belle/hoop skirt/looks horrible on everyone” taffeta and crinoline thing, she needs to get a grip. No one else will notice.
NTA
I’m guessing she’s resentful your parents are helping plan / pay for your wedding but not your brother’s.
NTA, I agree that she sounds like a spoiled brat. All wedding dresses look the same, they are wedding dresses. That’s like your brother being mad that your fiance’s tux looks like his tux. You know what, you should wear a black dress, and your fiance should wear a white tux, then she’ll have nothing to say about the dress. I bet you anything she comes up with some other reason to be mad.
NTA your dresses are quite different, I’m not sure how she can look at them and say they’re too similar. It sounds like maybe she has some insecurities, and they are coming to the surface?
I’d sit down and listen to her, as you said you will do, but also she then needs to listen to you in return, and look at the dresses in one shared image like you posted. Remind her that your fiance waited to propose, your wedding is months later, no one is ever going to see the two of you standing side by side in your wedding gowns, and she needs to understand it is not a competition.
From that point on I don’t think either of you should share wedding details with each other either, it’s only going to make her all riled up again, even though you did nothing wrong.
If the dresses are similar, you will be the one to look a fool because SIL is getting married first. I’m not really getting why she’s upset. I’m betting that she probably is envious that you have deeper pockets and support in planning. I’d just stop communicating about wedding things at all with her. She doesn’t want to hear it, okay, done!
NTA.
NTA, she is jealous and afraid you will have a nicer wedding. She really cannot help how she is feeling. And to be honest I do not remember anyone’s wedding dress I have ever went to. People only remember the food, so have good food and feed them quickly! Do not make them stand around waiting to be fed.
I think you should post the 2 dresses so we can decide. Lots of people get married around the same time, it is a normal occurrence. I would simply tell her you are planning your wedding the way you want it. You are not copying her and want things YOUR way for your special day. If that upsets her or she cannot handle it, that is something she needs to work on.
Honestly I think it is just jealousy, she wanted everyone to be only concentrating on her but now it is both of you.
NTA, those are different dresses.
NTA – I looked at your pictures. I would say that the dresses are not polar opposites, wedding dress-wise, but they are hardly similar enough for her to get herself all worked up. I mean, they’re wedding dresses. They are going to have similarities. You are not obligated to go full ballgown or something just to be completely different.
You should just tell her you’re sorry she’s upset, but you don’t think they’re similar and you are looking forward to celebrating their wedding and welcoming her to the family. Refuse to discuss it further. You are similar ages in the same region, it’s not that uncommon to get married at around the same time. You’ve done nothing wrong here so don’t entertain it.
NTA
Despite what others think, it is not your parents’ responsibility to pay for your SIL’s wedding, and it’s not your fault that her parents are doing nothing. This is not an outdated tradition. Unless your parents are very wealthy, there aren’t many families that can afford two weddings. So, by tradition, I believe the grooms family pays for the rehearsal dinner and the bar.
I would meet with your SIL to hear her out. However, she needs to hear you, too. She went crying to your brother instead of talking to you like an adult would do.
I’ve lived this bs with my SIL. If you don’t cut this behavior off now, it will only get worse. Trust me, it can and will get worse.
NTA, having seen the link you shared. Those dresses are in no way similar enough to warrant this reaction.
NTA
NTA. Just stop telling them anything about your wedding.
NTA. I was going to jokingly tell you to swap dates because clearly she’s worried your wedding will upstage hers, but then I realised she’d be mad she can’t get married first and last.
You didn’t get into it with her at work as she’s implying, you acknowledged a situation that’s been bothering you and you even apologised for the mountain she’s building out of this molehill.
NTA the pictures you provided tell the tale.
NTA First of all, she is acting childish, petty, and insecure. You didn’t do anything wrong. I think you should all agree to not discuss your weddings with eachother and have your family do the same. Each of you plan your own event the way you want, and be surprised by all the details at eachothers’ weddings when you get there. Otherwise she is going to do this every step of the way.
It could’ve been a fun and exciting time for you both to bond over planning together, but she clearly can’t handle that.
is she an only child?