My sibling died very suddenly and traumatically 6 months ago. It shattered my world. A few years ago, I lost a parent during the Covid-19 pandemic and was isolated due to quarantine. Because of that, I made a conscious effort this time to stay connected, go out, and continue friendships despite my grief.
I had a friend group I saw regularly (1–3x/week) and talked to daily. They came to the funeral, brought flowers and snacks. After that, I continued texting, FaceTiming, and seeing them weekly. I never brought up my sibling’s death—we just carried on as if nothing happened. I tried to smile through the pain.
Eight days after the death, one friend messaged me crying because the luxury car she wanted had been sold. She said God must hate her. I found it tone-deaf, but I knew she hadn’t experienced loss, so I let it go. Still, none of them ever asked how I was really doing.
By Christmas (2 months after the loss), I was barely holding it together. They didn’t check in but invited me Boxing Day shopping. That evening, they put on Brother Bear, a movie about sibling loss. I felt overwhelmed but tried to own my triggers. One friend had a photo of my sibling and started pretending to “feed” him and cover it with a blanket—what I assume was meant to be lighthearted, but it made me deeply uncomfortable.
In February, they seemed distant. We made plans for manicures and the mall. One friend canceled the mall part but said we’d see each other at the salon. After nails, I went to the mall anyway—and ran into them all shopping together. I greeted them and got awkward hellos.
I messaged later to ask if something was wrong. They said it was hard to be around me because I didn’t seem like I was enjoying myself. I explained I was grieving but still valued their friendship. They said, “This isn’t about that. We’re not talking about that.” They told me I don’t have to smile all the time, “but it’s really difficult.”
I asked why no one ever checked in on me instead of assuming my grief was about them. They said, “We didn’t know you needed that.” Then they listed grievances built up since the month after the loss: I didn’t finish my food, I looked miserable, I wasn’t fun to be around. They ended the friendship by saying, “I haven’t experienced grief, but I’ve seen it in others, and I know this is different. This isn’t about your grief—it’s about your behavior.”
I felt invalidated. It’s like my grief was weaponized against me.
AITA?
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My sibling died very suddenly and traumatically 4 months ago. It shattered my world. A few years ago, I lost a parent during the Covid-19 pandemic and was isolated due to quarantine. Because of that, I made a conscious effort this time to stay connected, go out, and continue friendships despite my grief.
I had a friend group I saw regularly (1–3x/week) and talked to daily. They came to the funeral, brought flowers and snacks. After that, I continued texting, FaceTiming, and seeing them weekly. I never brought up my sibling’s death—we just carried on as if nothing happened. I tried to smile through the pain.
Eight days after the death, one friend messaged me crying because the luxury car she wanted had been sold. She said God must hate her. I found it tone-deaf, but I knew she hadn’t experienced loss, so I let it go. Still, none of them ever asked how I was really doing.
By Christmas (2 months after the loss), I was barely holding it together. They didn’t check in but invited me Boxing Day shopping. That evening, they put on Brother Bear, a movie about sibling loss. I felt overwhelmed but tried to own my triggers. One friend had a photo of my sibling and started pretending to “feed” him and cover it with a blanket—what I assume was meant to be lighthearted, but it made me deeply uncomfortable.
In February, they seemed distant. We made plans for manicures and the mall. One friend canceled the mall part but said we’d see each other at the salon. After nails, I went to the mall anyway—and ran into them all shopping together. I greeted them and got awkward hellos.
I messaged later to ask if something was wrong. They said it was hard to be around me because I didn’t seem like I was enjoying myself. I explained I was grieving but still valued their friendship. They said, “This isn’t about that. We’re not talking about that.” They told me I don’t have to smile all the time, “but it’s really difficult.”
I asked why no one ever checked in on me instead of assuming my grief was about them. They said, “We didn’t know you needed that.” Then they listed grievances built up since the month after the loss: I didn’t finish my food, I looked miserable, I wasn’t fun to be around. They ended the friendship by saying, “I haven’t experienced grief, but I’ve seen it in others, and I know this is different. This isn’t about your grief—it’s about your behavior.”
I felt invalidated. It’s like my grief was weaponized against me.
AITA?
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> Friends angry and said I acted “not happy to be around them” after my sibling died. Described me as “miserable”, “dreary”, “difficult”.
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INFO
> died very suddenly and traumatically 4 months ago.
> By Christmas (2 months after the loss), I was barely holding it together.
What month do you think it is now?
My least favorite word in the world is the “C” word. But it was the first word that came to mind for your “friends” when I read this. For all of them. Please let all of them go and look for people who actually give a crap about you.
NTA, everyone experiences grief differently.
NTA. And your friends aren’t your friends. Maybe never were.
NTA.
These women were never your friends. It’s possible they thought you needed space and might not have wanted to do those activities.
However, messing with your brother’s photograph is creepy at best and mocking your grief at worst. It’s incredibly callous. Putting on Brother Bear was also very tone deaf. If I were to guess, this wasn’t the first time that they entertained themselves at your expense.
I’m sorry for your loss.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your didn’t say how old you are, but your friends may be too young (or immature) to understand the grieving process. Six months is not long at all. It took me about six years to reach “the new normal.” However, even if they didn’t understand, they should be more compassionate. NTA.
NTA. Before turning 45, I lost my biological parents, adoptive parents, in-laws, grandparents, and all aunts and uncles. Grief is very personal and you can’t control when or how it shows up. These aren’t your friends–but you WILL find your group that will be your friends through the ups and downs. I am very sorry to hear about your sister. Give yourself time, space, and the grace to heal. It takes time and it’s not something that can be rushed.
You’re NTA, and your friends are lucky in the sense that they clearly have never experienced loss and grief.
You’ve lost a parent, so you know that grief can last 2 months, 4 months, 6 months, 1 year, … does it ever go away? I mean, it’s always there, even though you develop coping skills to deal with it and then eventually learn to find joy in life again. Even though your grief doesn’t match their expectations of grief, the way you grieve is personal to you. In the meantime, it’s okay to be not okay.
I wouldn’t say your friends are AHs, but rather they sound like like children who don’t know any better, maybe even spoiled children. When they finally catch up and go through this, be the friend you wish you’d had.
NTA. People grieve in their own different ways and time frames.
These people are not your friends – they are narcissists! It was a one sided relationship on what *you could give to them.* Your grief, feelings, needs, etc. were irrelevant to them. You were no longer useful because you were not smiling enough. Good riddance to them.
NTA. Tone-deaf is putting it very lightly. And the thing with feeding the photo is weird as fuck. And of all the movies they could have chosen, they just happened to choose the one about sibling loss? If they thought you were difficult to be around, they sure didn’t do anything to make it easier.
NTA. You are still very early in your mourning and it sounds like you’re trying to be as normal as you can by going out and engaging with the world. That’s a really good thing you’re doing for yourself! Of course, you might seem different. Your entire world has been shattered and you’ve had to put the pieces back together. Of course you’ll be different after that. I lost my sister as well and you’re just a different person after that, even if you do all the things you used to do. I’m sorry your friends don’t seem to understand that.
I’ve found that some people just know what to do or they ask what you need. Others back away because they don’t know what to do and are intimidated by the situation. Then there are the people who are outright malicious and say and do horrible things. You might be able to explain how difficult things are and that being around your friends and being normal around them has helped you. The situation may be salvageable if they truly don’t understand and aren’t malicious, if they do want to be there and don’t know how. Regardless of the outcome, you are not the asshole for struggling with the sort of loss most people don’t experience when young.
One day they will each have something happen to them that shatters them to their core. And then when they spend months and years grieving and being a different person than they were before, then maybe they’ll think back to that moment and realize how shitty they were to you. Nta. You deserve way better from people who call themselves your friends.
NTA. I’ve lost a sibling and we had a very strained relationship. Even then it was extremely difficult to go about my day to day.
There is an epidemic of people not being able to put themselves in someone else’s shoes. It shouldn’t have to happen to them for them to understand but unfortunately that’s exactly what is happening. They need to grow up and realize they’ve lived a very privileged life if they don’t understand grief like this.
I am so sorry for you going through this, the loss of your sibling and friendships. I lost my sister 6.5 years ago, and it is difficult, and unfortunately sibling loss is not something as discussed as other losses. NTA for taking time to process this. I am just getting to life feeling normal the last 2 years, and there are still moments.
Now you have to also mourn these relationships. Friendship loss is sometimes harder, because they’re still there. What I can tell you is that getting rid of them now is going to free you to find your real people who will be there for you. As sucky as it is, in my experience, this is the only way for you to view it where you can move forward. You will find your people, and they will help hold you up. These people just aren’t in a space to do that.
NTA
These people have done you the favor of letting you know that they are fair weather friends and freeing you up to find real ones.
They want to believe it’s not about grief because if it is then they feel bad for locking you out but at the end of the day they just aren’t capable of that kind of emotional depth or introspection. You will find people who are. You will find people who can support you through the good AND bad.
I have an older relative who has told me a story several times about when she was in high school. Suddenly one of her friends was cut off from the group and no one would talk to her – turned out it was because the girl’s father had died. My relative went along with the group because she didn’t want to get cut off, too. What she took from that was to never let anyone know that you’re sad or have experienced a tragedy but now she’s retired and learning how to process negative emotions for the first time because it turns out you can’t keep going like that indefinitely. Eventually there are quiet times and everything you pushed down comes back up.
But I knew from the first time she told me that story that she had taken the wrong lesson from it. I knew there were people who COULD cope with the sadness and still be loving both because I was that person and because other people had already been that for me. and I knew I’d rather have two of those people in my life than thirty of the others.
I guess my point is that if we expect everyone to be able to cope we will be disappointed and shut ourselves off when some people can’t. The trick is to forgive the people who don’t have that capacity so that you aren’t walking around in their wounds, (fluctuating between being angry at them or wondering if you’re the problem actually,) and then go find better friends.
I’m so sorry that you have dealt with so much loss. I’m so sorry that the people around you weren’t strong enough to deal with it. I hope you have beautiful friendships ahead of you.
Just to clarify, I am speaking of forgiveness as an internal process. Trying to empathize with their limited capacity will help you to release anger towards them and help you to be grateful for your own larger capacity. I am NOT suggesting trying to be friends with them again. Forgiveness is about healing yourself, and you can do that without reconnecting.
NTA
Op, first I’m so sorry for your lost. I lost a sibling and no one tells you how to deal with that grief.
Those people are trash, no what they really meant is you didn’t respond they way they wanted , they wanted you to acknowledge that them feeding the picture of your sibling was kind of funny ( it wasn’t).
Maybe their viewing of Brother Bear was designed to get you share , but your not required to do on command and frankly it was insensitive to play a movie with that kind of loss .
They were looking for you to grieve a way they understood and recognized and when they realized it was a little more complicated they thought they didn’t want any part of it.
There is a very good chance when they think you’re ’over it’ some may reach out to see if you’ve ‘healed’ , I recommend you block them all and never speak to them again.
In regard to your grief, it’s been a decade since I lost my sibling . It’s a process, the first years were the hardest, memories are both comforting and painful depending on the day. I’m at the point where their mostly fond and comforting. Journaling and exercise helped, but everyone got to find their own thing.
I hope you find yours , 🤞🏽
Jesus Christ. First off, NTA. These people? You are way better off without people like this around you. They are not friends you want to have.
It’s awful that you have experienced so much loss, in such a relatively short amount of time too. I would worry that bottling all of this grief up will have a negative effect on you, and to do so for the benefit of people who don’t appreciate you or even sympathise? Not worth it. Ditch them, get some counselling (because you deserve it) and move onwards.
NAH. Have you done any kind of counseling? Friends are not always a good resource when you’re trying to navigate loss. Therapy is a better option to help process and move on from grief.
I have experienced similar behaviors among people who have not suffered a close loss. People in general do not know how to support people who are grieving. They assume that when you’re with them, it is to escape grief, not discuss it. They talk about other things that will seem trivial to you, given what you’ve been through. And they are not necessarily equipped to process your grief and help you.
OP, you need and deserve some better friends.
These ones aren’t it.
OP, I went through something very similar (with people a very similar age)when my mum was dying. The colleagues, who I’d considered close friends, stopped asking me to do social things, asked me (in the most condescending, passive-aggressive tone) “why do you think we’re not inviting you to lunch?” and was told that another colleague, who’d just lost her sister to cancer, was so much easier to work with because “she didn’t bring it into work…unlike some people”. Like, I’m so sorry my mum’s cancer is affecting my mood a touch.
Anyway, I distanced myself from them because they’d really shown me who they were. I found greater support elsewhere, and honestly it was a relief to not have to struggle and pretend I was ok to protect other people’s feelings. When I’m feeling charitable I think that they hadn’t been faced with the challenges I had so they hadn’t really grown their empathy. Other times I think they were just selfish AHs. Either way, I suspect you’ll do much better if you channel your efforts into alternative relationships. And I’m so sorry for your loss, truly.
I want to believe this is fake. Because who would be so terrible that they would make gestures with your recently passed sibling, or FIND THE ONE MOVIE IN THE DISNEY CATALOG ABOUT SIBLING LOSS THAT NO ONE TALKS ABOUT to put on right in front of you. If you didn’t make this up, you live in a colony of pod people where you’re the one human, in which case NTA and good riddance to them
I don’t think they know how to be around you. Like you said, they haven’t suffered grief like this. It’s scary and not something they have had any experience with. And when death hits so close to home, it freaks people out, me included. Whether you know it or not, most of us wear our grief in every expression, every nuance. It can be quite visible to lose on the outside, looking in. Chin up, my friend. It will get easier. Until then I will pray for you. I’m very sorry for your loss.