My sibling died very suddenly and traumatically 4 months ago. It shattered my world. I experienced the death of a parent a few years prior during Covid-19 pandemic and was forced to be alone during the time due to quarantine. Because of this, I wanted to make an effort to continue friendships and go out in the world despite my heartbreak. I had a friend group that I saw regularly (1-3 xper week) and spoke to everyday. They came to the funeral and brought me flowers and a snack after my sibling died. After the death, I continued responding to messages, FaceTiming with them, and seeing them regularly at least once a week. I never once spoke of the loss. We just kind of continued like nothing happened. I tried really hard to smile through the pain.

Eight days after the death, one of them messaged me saying that they were crying because the luxury car they wanted to purchase had been sold to someone else. She said that god must have hated her and that she was sobbing. I felt this was a bit tone-deaf, but I understood she never experienced loss before so I let it slide. None of them ever asked me how I was doing or checked in on me. Christmas marked two months since my sibling died and the holidays were absolutely terrible for me. None of them ever checked in on me, but they invited me for Boxing Day shopping. Later in the evening, they put on a movie called Brother Bear… which was a movie about sibling loss. I felt a bit overwhelmed, but I understand my triggers are my responsibility. One of the friends had a picture of my sibling and they decided to prop it up and “feed him” a snack, and put a blanket on the photo as though it was my sibling. I can only assume was meant to be a light hearted joke, but made me extremely uncomfortable given the timing of the holidays and his absence.

Flash forward to February, I noticed they were kind of distant but didn’t take it personally because people get busy with work. We had plans to go for manicures and then the mall. One of them cancelled on going to the mall but they said we would still see each other at the salon. We all got manicures normally and then we leave the salon. I decided to still go to the mall as I had things to get. That’s when I ran into the friend group all together. I said hello to them and exchanged awkward hellos.

When I got home I decided to reach out to see if there was a problem. They all informed me that it’s been difficult to have a friendship with me because I don’t seem as though I’m having a good time with them. I tried to explain that I am enjoying the friendship, but I just don’t look super happy sometimes because of the grief. They said “this isn’t about that. We’re not talking about that.”. They said “you don’t have to smile all the time… but it’s really difficult.”. I asked them why they didn’t ask me once about how I was doing with the loss instead of assuming it was a personal slight against them. They said “we didn’t know you needed that.”. They had a list of grievances that had been stock piled since the month after my sibling died. They mentioned I don’t eat all of my food when I’m out, I don’t look happy, I look miserable, etc. They ended the friendship by saying “I haven’t experienced grief before but I’ve seen it in others and I know that this is different. This isn’t about your grief it’s about your behaviour.”.

I felt a little bit invalidated in terms of the loss. I was also surprised at how my grief was weaponized against me. Am I the asshole?