AITA for considering leaving my husband?
When do you know it’s time to keep fighting, or stop? I’ve been with my husband for 8 years, 3 dating and 5 married. He has repeatedly sought out attention from other women through Snapchat, IG, Reddit, you name it. I would address it and he would stop it and move on. However this past Sunday I helped him upgrade to his new phone. Later that night I had a gut feeling to look through his phone. He didn’t let me have his password for most of our relationship because “every relationship deserves privacy”. When I went through it I saw he had Reddit (I’ve NEVER used Reddit so I curiously didn’t know what to expect. When I opened it it was completely naked women. He messaged/commented to multiple women asking for them to write his name on their tits and send pics. For THE PAST 5 YEARS. I was/still am LIVID. I’m also heartbroken, feeling like im not enough. For context our sex life is great, we still flirt and hangout and spend quality time with one another and as a family. I’m just so lost.
We have a perfect son together and I still love my husband very much but I don’t know what to do. I asked him to give me space the past few days but tomorrow night we are finally sitting down and talking.
Any advice?! Am I overreacting? AITA?
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AITA for considering leaving my husband?
When do you know it’s time to keep fighting, or stop? I’ve been with my husband for 8 years, 3 dating and 5 married. He has repeatedly sought out attention from other women through Snapchat, IG, Reddit, you name it. I would address it and he would stop it and move on. However this past Sunday I helped him upgrade to his new phone. Later that night I had a gut feeling to look through his phone. He didn’t let me have his password for most of our relationship because “every relationship deserves privacy”. When I went through it I saw he had Reddit (I’ve NEVER used Reddit so I curiously didn’t know what to expect. When I opened it it was completely naked women. He messaged/commented to multiple women asking for them to write his name on their tits and send pics. For THE PAST 5 YEARS. I was/still am LIVID. I’m also heartbroken, feeling like im not enough. For context our sex life is great, we still flirt and hangout and spend quality time with one another and as a family. I’m just so lost.
We have a perfect son together and I still love my husband very much but I don’t know what to do. I asked him to give me space the past few days but tomorrow night we are finally sitting down and talking.
Any advice?! Am I overreacting? AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) considering leaving
2) because it’s not physically cheating
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. This man is cheating on you.
NTA. Sounds like you may be about 7 years too late.
NTA. That man is awful! He ain’t the one! Don’t think for a SECOND that you deserve that!
NTA – I am not a fan of porn in general. It’s addictive and destructive. But this is past the casual looking sphere into the actively trying to connect with these women. That’s not something to take lightly. I think if he’s serious about your relationship, it’s well past time that he gets into therapy or marriage counseling or something to break this addiction. Because at this point, it’s destroying your marriage and your trust in him. Sorry you’re going through this. It’s not ok for him to do this
You’re not overreacting. This is grounds to leave. He has repeatedly disrespected your boundaries and he will continue to do so. Just leave because he will never change.
You are not over reacting at all. He is completely disregarding your boundary and feelings which is disrespectful. His repeating behaviour is exactly that. He will keep doing it because he doesn’t respect you or your wants. You deserve someone who respects you and doesn’t act like your boundaries are negotiable.
Reminds me of my ex and he had a porn addiction. It slowly but surely ruined the relationship emotionally and physically.
I think you deserve someone who loves you and your son deserves a better role model on how a man should treat their partner.
This whole situation is shitty and I hope you choose whatever is best for you. Sending positive thoughts!
NTA
Looking at porn is one thing. I don’t care if my husband does it but each relationship is different.
However actually interacting with women would be crossing a line for me
I’d consider therapy and if we could get down to the root of why and if he could work to rebuild trust, I might consider staying together.
However only you can make this decision and you don’t have to make any decisions now
Only you can decide if this is a dealbreaker for you or not, but you’re NTA for considering your options
You are Not TA here, your husband sounds like he has a total lack of respect for women. Treating you this way repeatedly even after he has been caught out before shows he has no intentions of changing, and him messaging random women and asking them things like that make him pretty creepy on top of it.
NTA. He’s not who you thought he was. If you leave, you’re not divorcing him, you’re divorcing the lie that he presented. Or, to put it in better perspective: Would you have married a serial cheater and liar if you found out about it a week before your wedding? Would you have accepted his proposal if he prefaced it with ‘I’m going to engage with other women online in a sexual way and keep it a secret from you‘?
If the answer is ‘no’, then you know leaving this fraud is not because you gave up on him, but because you have no idea who he even is.
NTA!! He’s reaching out to other people constantly trying to get favors what’s to say it’s restricted to the online sphere?! Someone like that is probably spending time looking and thinking about that when out and about, I’d never look at someone the same way after I knew that!
You should leave him especially if you’ve had close calls before and be “addressed it” because people who don’t want to change or see no wrong don’t change
NTA. You should divorce him just for being a redditor (on that note get off now, there is only brain rot and circle jerks to be found here; and lots of porn but you obviously know that already).
But past that, he was clearly keeping this from you because he knew you would be upset if you knew. That is a betrayal and it’s own kind of cheating. Cheating doesn’t have to involve physical acts necessarily. Even if it is only viewing porn or sending one sided messages, he shouldn’t hide that. If he needed it that badly, he should have tried to negotiate it with you, and if you said no then either accept it or end it. Relationships are voluntary to enter and stay in. Just get your feelings in order and decide what you want to do, if it is worth it to you to try and work through it or not.
Not overreacting at all. You’ll need more than a few days to process this. He sounds like a 14 yr old boy.
Don’t you deserve someone who will have more respect for you and your relationship?
That’s weird. Teach him about emotional cheating as soon as possible. And what is emotional cheating? Cheating.
People tend to decide things for themselves without including their partner in the decision making. Like how many Play*** bunnies they can have on their phone screen a night.
The normal man has a new date with a new bunny every few days if they’re anything like the average man that consumes ****ography. Sorry to say it’s just something that happens to men. Men see one then they see another and their dopamine receptors are blown to sky high.
It’s sort of an epidemic. Men are stuck and can’t say no to the stuff but they should be able to since they finally have the real thing right next to them if you know what I mean.
It’s in a man’s programming I guess. Now the problem is stopping once they meet the woman of their dreams. It’s not really that difficult. I have stopped altogether after decades of use for a woman I love.
Make your man learn about emotional cheating. And remind them that they made a proposal to be together with you for life. Not with six bunnies and the woman.
Women can be attention seekers on the internet in that way. They scribble things on their tatas just so men tell them nice things.
Remind him it might be a man posing as a woman to see his pictures while you’re at it.
It’s immaturity on the internet. Women want to see what happens when a man sees them naked.
They don’t really mean anything to him. That’s what I can tell you for certain.
Be playful and suggest consistent fun daily. And never stop being there for him.
If he has time to be talking to random women he’s childish. Remind him he has a woman and children to take care of.
Keep it a secret. Never tell anyone you will look foolish.
Suggest no Instagram or social media. When I’m the man in a relationship I set clear boundaries so neither of us hurt each other or ourselves during our relationship. I know who my partner talks to and doesn’t. Men are blocked if they contact her immediately.
Why would she talk to a man when she has one already? It goes the other way too. And yes we can go through each other’s phones like drinking water.
People overstep and don’t respect a long lasting personal relationship with the person they value most.
Never mingle outside of the relationship. Never look at anyone but your partner that way. Stand by them. And respect each other.
Stop looking at guys with six packs and bunnies. Grow up everyone. Respect what’s yours.
Say no more emotional cheating!
No one’s innocent in their first rodeo. Grow up quickly and set boundaries and if you set boundaries they go for you too. Don’t be hypocritical.
No Instagram husband of mine! Then no Instagram for the wife either. Learn congruency. Hypocrisy kills relationships.
Red flags all over this post.
No way a relationship “needs its privacy” so much that you don’t have access to his devices.
I do t think it’s healthy to constantly be a partner that feels like they need to do regular checks kf their device (I don’t think this is you BTW) but you should also feel like you are free to check his devices any time you want, the same as he should feel the same with yours.
If my wife asked me right now to hand her my phone so she can look at it I’d gladly do so…..because I’m not hiding anything.
So many other red flags but that’s the bjggest one.
Maybe marriage counselling is the way to go?
You are not an asshole. He is in the wrong. But where you go from here is difficult with a child. It is easy to say divorce and move on but that is difficult with a child and only you can make that decision.
NTA
Serial cheater. He will not stop, just hide it better.
Even emotionally cheating is cheating
You never saw Reddit before and then decided to post here?
NTA… All men dont do this. I know most men do look at p0rn and for most of them it means nothing but the men that I know that are reaching out to women and asking them to do things to their bodies on the internet are very few and not men I want to be friends with. If you have kids you need to get into marriage counseling now. If not ask this lying it’s not really wirth it is it?.
Honestly? NTA. A great sex life and quality time don’t erase the fact that he’s been digitally cheating and disrespecting your boundaries for years. That would be a dealbreaker for many people, and it’s okay if it is for you too
I knew your 2nd sentence
You know how he is. He’s not going to change; that kind of thing (even if he’s not physically cheating, (which is “if he’s not” and “for now”)), gives him a thrill. Can you really stay with someone who does that, trust him otherwise, respect him, tell your son to respect him?
Throughout history, some wives have looked the other way & made the best of it. I’m not sure I could, but I’m not saying it’s wrong to stay if you look at it all & decide you’re better off with him.
If it’s not something you can live with, it is grounds for divorce.
If you want to accept his terms & disgusting behavior, let him keep doing what he’s gonna do; personally, I’d have been out the door way before this…who knows what he could catch from some dirty ho & pass it on to you?!? If you are willing to risk crotch rot, knowing he’s not going to change, it’s on You, girlfriend-just sayin’
Babe you need to leave
You two have been separated for a while, just not officially, only in the heart. NTA
I’m going to take this from a different perspective… if he texted you or called you midday and told you it would really rev his engine if you wrote his name across your chest, and let him see after dishes were done and your kid is safely tucked in bed, what would your response be?
Either he has put you on a pedestal in his mind and he can’t ask you to do what he’s looking at/asking these ladies to do because then in his mind you wouldn’t be that “good” woman he married anymore.
OR
He knows/thinks he knows what your response would be and it wouldn’t be a positive one. He hides it because he feels there’s a reason to – you’ve expressed your feelings on him looking at porn – he doesn’t want you to nag him about it, but odds are he also doesn’t want your opinion of him to diminish (even though he knows it will if he gets caught).
What did that 1st (and any subsequent) conversations on the topic look/sound like? Was it ever a discussion or a fight where you were disgusted and he was defensive? If it wasn’t a discussion where you both honestly look for understanding of the bigger picture of what’s going on, it’s time to have that discussion. Things that should be included are:
Due to religious teachings on sex and sexuality, societal expectations of what is “decent” and what isn’t, what our parents taught us growing up, and various other reasons, we tend to be very inhibited sexually with our significant other/spouse. Missionary position with little foreplay is unfortunately more common than it should be. Most women don’t orgasm/reach climax with their clit much less their g-spot when being intimate with their partner. Touching, caressing, and kissing tend to be universal turn ons for a woman. Men on the other hand are visual creatures – remember the writing of his name in their chest? Once someone lets go of the hangups around sex and can experiment and realize the enjoyment that really can come from 2 bodies expressing themselves sexually together, their entire relationship changes and becomes deeper. Because you’re truly satisfying each other’s desires in the bedroom the way you satisfy each others desires outside the bedroom that aren’t sexual in nature at all. But you both have to be all in. You both have to be willing to try new things (as long as they’re not going to cause physical harm). You both have to be willing to listen to each other’s fantasies and not pass or show judgement. Your husband obviously finds writing if his name exciting and you may look at that and say you don’t understand – you don’t have to understand, you just have to acknowledge and not judge. Perhaps your fantasy is having sex on the beach – he may not understand – he’s thinking: I don’t understand…sand gets in EVERYWHERE, why would anyone want to do that?!? He doesn’t have to understand it, he has to acknowledge it and not judge. What happens behind the doors of your bedroom between you and your partner that is consensual is your private business – no one else’s. And is nothing to be ashamed of. Trust me, there are people you know, people you see, people you’re related to that may seem all prim & proper but are wildly experimental in the bedroom. My mom worked the geriatric floor in the hospital and did private duty nursing with so many old people, and she would tell me, “They all come across as the sweet old grandma or grandpa, but let me tell you, they got their freak on back in the day and many are still doing it today”. Trust me, my mom would’ve never used the phrase “get their freak on” much less use it to describe missionary position sex and only for the purpose of making babies.
You are at a very interesting place in your relationship with your partner. This can become the beginning of the end or it can become a whole new experience/dimension to share & explore in your relationship. Either way, it’s going to start with you. I wish you luck no matter which path you choose. 🍀
NTA please get a divorce for your own sake