I (42F) discovered my husband (now ex) had secretly installed a GPS tracker in my car. I only realized it because he kept randomly showing up at places I hadn’t told him I’d be including a private lunch meeting with my boss.
I was shocked and it terrified me. I felt paranoid, violated. While the GPS wasn’t the only reason I divorced him. He was mentally and emotionally abusive in many ways, and I was already feeling isolated and broken. I actually drove straight to the dealership and tried to sell the car.
The worst part was I later found out that both my mom and cousin knew about the tracker.
He had told them it was “just in case I got into an accident and needed help.” When I confronted them, they claimed they “didn’t want to take sides” and were trying to “stay neutral.” I don’t think there’s anything neutral about staying silent while someone’s spouse is secretly tracking their movements.
Around that time, I was also drinking more than usual which I am not proud of it, but it was a coping mechanism for the abuse I was enduring. My family chose to focus on the drinking, without acknowledging why I was drinking. They refused to believe that the abuse and manipulation were part of the cause. They though the GPS was a good way to keep me inline. Just noting this because I know I wasn’t perfect.
I felt betrayed, abandoned, and judged by the very people who were supposed to love and protect me. So I went no contact with my mom and cousin. That was three years ago.
The family is still divided. I want to rebuild my relationship with them but would mean I have to say I was wrong and I still feel, very strongly, that they were the ones who crossed the line.
Should I let it go? Was no contact to far?
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ANITA? I (42F) have twin daughters, now 11. 3 years back I discovered my husband (now ex) had secretly installed a GPS tracker in my car. I only realized it because he kept randomly showing up at places I hadn’t told him I’d be including a private lunch meeting with my boss. That’s when it all clicked.
I was shocked. Honestly, it terrified me. I felt paranoid, violated, and completely unsafe in my own life. While the GPS wasn’t the only reason I divorced him, it definitely added to it. He was mentally and emotionally abusive in many ways, and I was already feeling isolated and broken.
The worst part? I later found out that both my mom and cousin knew about the tracker.
He had told them it was “just in case I got into an accident and needed help.” When I confronted them, they claimed they “didn’t want to take sides” and were trying to “stay neutral.” I don’t think there’s anything neutral about staying silent while someone’s spouse is secretly tracking their movements.
Around that time, I was also drinking more than usual. I am not proud of it, but it was a coping mechanism for the abuse I was enduring. My family chose to focus on the drinking, without acknowledging why I was drinking. They refused to believe that the abuse and manipulation were part of the cause.
My ex would also physically push our daughters. Not hard enough to leave marks, but enough that they were scared. And yes, I would fight back. A major factor of the divorce was that I didn’t want them growing up thinking that this kind of treatment of women was normal or okay.
But as for my family — I felt betrayed, abandoned, and judged by the very people who were supposed to love and protect me. So I went no contact with my mom and cousin. That was three years ago.
Now the family is still divided. I want to rebuild a relationship but that would mean I would have to admit I was completely wrong in my with my feelings.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Hello, I am not sure how to change my post to be approved. I feel many people these days fall victim to GPSs and Apple tags, which are completely legal. But what if a family member uses one against you, Is that ok? I don’t know. I really need more input. Please let me know how I can change my statement to be allowed.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. That would feel pretty violating to me. I don’t know if you have to say you were wrong to reconnect with them, but you would at least have to forgive their transgressions against you, which could be a pretty big ask, but is for you to decide.
Are these people still really toxic? Maybe right them a letter explaining the impact of your ex on your life – abuse, stalking, manipulation, etc. Maybe they will have the cap in to take it all in if they are directly talking to/at/over you…
NTA and tracking someone without consent in my mind is still illegal…
NTA- You weren’t too harsh, you were protecting yourself.
Secretly tracking someone is not love or safety, it’s control. When your family knew and stayed silent, they weren’t “neutral.” They enabled abuse. That’s betrayal trauma, and it cuts deep.
Your drinking wasn’t the issue, it was a coping mechanism. But they focused on that because it was easier than facing their own guilt for not stepping up. That’s classic scapegoating.
You went no contact to survive. You don’t have to pretend their betrayal didn’t happen just to rebuild a relationship. Healing isn’t about erasing the past, it’s about honoring your truth. If they want back in your life, they should do the work to earn it.
You weren’t wrong. You were brave.
The only a-holes in this situation are your ex, your mom, and your cousin. I am so very sorry you’ve had to go through all of this without the support of your family.
The time to “stay neutral” is NOT when someone had secretly installed a tracking device in your car! I am completely outraged on your behalf. Especially your mom, like what kind of mom wouldn’t immediately have your back once she heard he was abusing you. I get that it can be confusing because abusers wear masks to the rest of the world but to flat out not believe you and not offer any support or encouragement is repulsive. Are you sure you even want people like that in your life?!?
And lastly, if you’re thinking of reconnecting THEY need to apologize and admit THEY were wrong. Do not allow your ex’s abuse to continue by saying it didn’t happen and apologizing to people who never had your back. You should consider finding chosen family who actually care about you and will uplift and encourage you.
NTA. They suck for defending an abuser through their silence.
Genuine question, does someone need to admit fault to rebuild your relationship? Or can you sit with the discomfort of them not saying they were wrong and start trying to repair that bridge? And would they accept the situation is passed and rebuild the relationship with you if you didn’t lie that you were at fault?
NTA
Your feelings of betrayal are incredibly valid.
Nobody here has made any effort to comfort you or apologise for their behaviour.
People who care about us want to help.
The description “private lunch meeting” with your boss is kind of odd.
NTA, going no contact is always hard, but it’s important to protect your peace, especially after getting out of an abusive relationship. I’m so sorry you went through all that OP.
NTA but we need to be very clear here. Going no contact was the bare minimum. They betrayed your trust and acted against your best interests. These people are foxes in the metaphorical henhouse. Protect yourself first and foremost.
ESH except you.
Another sick part is my Cousin (she) was a special victims police officer/investigator at the time. She has sense resigned. I am not sure if I am allowed to give the state
Stay no contact they don’t deserve to be in your life there is no reason someone should put a tracker in someone’s car unless both consent to it and them not taking sides is bs
It sounds like your ex probably told them that because of your drinking he was worried about you drink driving. You’ve admitted you were drinking a lot and they will have noticed that so his story probably seemed convincing.You have to remember that most people won’t know what’s really going on in other people’s relationships. I’m glad you’ve freed yourself of him but maybe hear them out and try to see what they might have seen back then, could be they were concerned about you and it might be worth forgiving and moving on
These stories always paint the person telling them in the best light. Id say you were at fault in more ways than one as well. People that are making mistakes that they know they shouldnt be doing. Like possibly doing some type of cheating emotional or other a private lunch with your boss? That isnt cool at all and in no way a normal thing.
Creep
NTA.
Your mom and cousin chose a side when they didn’t tell you about the tracking device on your car. You have no reason to feel bad for going no contract after escaping your ex.
They need to acknowledge what they did was wrong before you consider rebuilding a relationship.
My exhusband did this too, well the GPS thing. He was a dumb ass and bragged to his family about it. His little sister told her best friend who does my hair
Found that badtard within a week and gave it to the cops. (It isn’t legal in my state unless you are a PI)
Still kicking myself that I didn’t ship that thing outta state or attach it to the garbage truck.
NTA I’m glad you’re safe now. This one is most difficult as your ex probably was a great manipulator and convinced your mom and cousin all he was saying was true. He probably painted a false picture of your behavior in a way they were worried about you.
But, your mom stating that she was trying to remain neutral bothers me in a way that I wouldn’t be able to trust her again. Remain neutral? If having a tracker on someone’s car was really for their safety, it wouldn’t be a secret to them. I don’t blame you for going no contact but can also appreciate missing your mom and wanting to bridge the gap. You’re allowed to have whatever type of relationship that you choose is safe and comfortable for you.
If mom is still tight with your ex, use extra caution if you reach out.
You have no reason to let it go — if your family can’t respect how you feel about this, then I don’t see how a relationship with them will be a beneficial part of healing from the abuse. The reality is, that if the tracking had been shared, it would be perfectly reasonable for safely concerns. The issue is less that you were tracked but that you were SECRETLY tracked. And it wasn’t for protection, it was for control.