So long story short I used to be an alcoholic and have been sober about 6 months now. I’ve let my husband drink occasionally because I don’t want to stop him from doing so. Although sometimes it’s temping for me to want to drink.
Well lately he is starting to drink all the time. He claims that he gets alcohol after work because his job is “hard.” He doesn’t have only 1 or two drinks. Sometimes he drinks 4-6 beers a night. He’s gone to work with a Hanover so bad once it put his job in jeopardy. He gets drunk every weekend and honestly, it’s annoying as hell. I hate the way he acts when he drinks. We also don’t have the money for him to be drinking so much.
We just got into an argument because I told him to cut it back and he can drink on the weekends if he wants. Of course he said OK, yet came home with alcohol again on a work night. I don’t really know how to go about this and I feel like he’s becoming an alcoholic. How should I go about this?
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So long story short I used to be an alcoholic and have been sober about 6 months now. I’ve let my husband drink occasionally because I don’t want to stop him from doing so. Although sometimes it’s temping for me to want to drink.
Well lately he is starting to drink all the time. He claims that he gets alcohol after work because his job is “hard.” He doesn’t have only 1 or two drinks. Sometimes he drinks 4-6 beers a night. He’s gone to work with a Hanover so bad once it put his job in jeopardy. He gets drunk every weekend and honestly, it’s annoying as hell. I hate the way he acts when he drinks. We also don’t have the money for him to be drinking so much.
We just got into an argument because I told him to cut it back and he can drink on the weekends if he wants. Of course he said OK, yet came home with alcohol again on a work night. I don’t really know how to go about this but I know how easy it is to become an alcoholic and I’m worried. How should I go about this?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I’ve tried to talk to him about his drinking habits and he doesn’t care. This might make me the asshole because I’m coming off as controlling.
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Talk to your sponsor or go to an Alanon meeting.
I don’t have any advice, but you’re definitely NTA and this seems really concerning
Ywta and now hta
I don’t think this is out of the normal for you to do so! Marriage is about understanding, and if he can’t understand where you have come from then imo, he’s being pretty selfish and using alcohol as an excuse!
NTA. At 4-6 drinks per night plus binges on weekends, your husband is already an alcoholic. And you know better than most how slippery and debilitating that slope is, and how much it can hurt people close to the alcoholic.
It’s up to you how to proceed – either prioritize him and your relationship, or your own safety and sanity.
You could stay and try to help and support, utilizing all of your first-hand knowledge, understanding the risk that it’s likely to get worse before it gets better and it will never improve until he decides to, and also accepting the risk of relapsing yourself as the stress and temptation continues to mount.
Your other option is to prioritize your own wellbeing, and that of your dependents (if any), and get out early. Your own sobriety is a huge achievement for yourself and your loved ones, and you have the right to protect it.
How did you discover you were an alcoholic? Did someone approach you? Maybe try the same method for him. NTA.
NTA. Idk what man’s job is, but when I came home from Iraq I was drinking HARD every night, and ungodly amounts of liquor too. Unless he’s getting bombed or shot at everyday, or is a surgeon/other first responder, he really doesn’t have a legitimate excuse to be drinking every night. He has an addiction problem, and you need to explain to him he needs to stop. Or, you can let him continue down his destructive path and wait for the inevitable divorce/death.
NTA, you are validly concerned. Congrats of 6 months sober! That’s huge. I would try start with a conversation with him about what is going on that is escalating his drinking and figure out if you can resolve it together and amicably, as it sounds like self medicating 101, but if he isn’t willing to talk about it or address your concerns then you need to prioritise your own wellbeing and sobriety.
Has he heard your story – from the beginning? Is he willing to acknowledge the practical consequences that have already begun to manifest from increased drinking? Is he willing to stop and reconsider your history and experience with this?
The answers to those questions are important.
With him knowing you are in recovery, you could interpret this as disrepect to drink around you so much. I’m also thinking, if he isn’t thinking rationally, it could totally be a cry for help, hoping you will see the signs and show concern. Even if he doesn’t realize, you know? If that is the case, you’ll probably be more effective asking questions “What’s weighing on you? What changed at work? Is there anything else we can do together that can help you relax?” Rather than just stating that you have an issue with the drinking. I don’t know what these conversations between you have looked like – these are just first considerations.
I can see it being pretty easy for both parties to get defensive and push each other away. Be careful, and good luck no matter the outcome <3
NTA. You are not even being unreasonable. Not asking him to cut it out pf his life. You’d be well within your rights to demand NO alcohol in the house while you are taking on sobriety, let alone just asking him to maintain a healthier relationship with it. If he is unable to prioritize other things in his life over the bottle, he definitely has a problem. I totally get it – a few cold brews after a hard days work can be like Mana from heaven sometimes. But everything in moderation. As someone who had to take Serious inventory over my drinking habits before they lead to the destruction of my entire life- it sounds like hes on a fast track to alcoholic depression.
NTA: it is super important for a sober alcoholic to have it removed from their environment as much as possible.
My husband is an alcoholic, going on 11 months sober, and I have vowed not to drink while he is sober to support him. I’ve had maybe 3 or 4 drinks with his permission at special events. A caring spouse should be doing something similar.
I don’t know in your case if he’d be willing to go sober with you or if that is even reasonable, but if you’ve mentioned his drinking is an issue for you and could potentially jeopardize your sobriety, and you don’t see him making any sacrifices at all – whether that be drinking less, or doing it less in front of you, or whatever makes you more comfortable – then I’d be taking a hard look at my relationship and question much he really loves and cares about me.
NTA. You have to know he’s an alcoholic. 100% he is drinking more than he admits.
I think your husband misses the drunk you and is trying to get you back to being an active alcoholic. Perhaps he has been one all along, but now that you are sober you are seeing it more clearly in him, or else he’s trying to make up for your lack of drinking.
You can change him!
/s
Honestly, if you didn’t have alcoholism, his behavior would be concerning. It’s extra concerning because of your disease.
NTA and it doesn’t sound like he’s becoming an alcoholic, he is one. He might be getting worse with his drinking, but none of what you described sounds like a healthy relationship with alcohol.
Talk to your sponsor. Maybe he was always like this and you just noticed because you are sober? Congratulations on six months of your new sober life.
Maybe contact Al-Anon. They help families of alcoholics navigate the process. Ultimately, he’s going to be the one who has to make the change. Just like you were the one to make the change. By the way, congrats on being sober. That is a very hard thing to do and you did it.Keep up the good work.
Allow him to make his choices as you are allowed to make yours.
One of your choices can be to not be around a drinker.
I despise the terminology “allow ”
He is not your property to control.
Yta.
NTA
This makes me ruined my father and made me despise him over my lifetime. I don’t know if you have kids but coming from someone who was raised by someone like him, please do your best to resolve before before having any.
Life is stressful, but there are other ways to handle it then drinking. Best of luck because my mom has tried for years and I’m too afraid of saying anything
NTA and as someone whose partner is an alcoholic, I would strongly consider the future of your relationship with this person. Many people can recover from alcoholism, but many can’t. As you may well know, the road to sobriety can oftentimes be a long and nasty one. I would have a very frank discussion about his behavior with him, and if his behavior gets worse or if you feel your own sobriety slipping, you need to consider leaving.
I think a key issue here is when you say “I’ve let him drink.”
Your sensitivity to alcohol has no bearing over what he should or shouldn’t do. And your mindset of allowing him to do stuff is definitely not a mindset that is healthy for a relationship.
Now if you were to approach the issue with a different mindset you might have a better conversation. If what you’re saying is true and obviously it’s not healthy.
At the end of the day, you need to support him not control him.
He’s a addict and it won’t change until he wants to which could be years if ever.
NTA. The hardest thing for a person getting sober is to live with or constantly be around someone who’s using whatever said substance that they used to use. That being said, he is already showing symptoms of alcoholism 1 of the main things being that he said he would ease up then came home with a bunch of drinks. Maybe just remind him that you guys had an agreement & you’d appreciate him sticking to his end. Such a tough spot to be in I’m sorry! Good luck OP I’m hoping things turn around for you❤️
NTA and it’s time for a sit down talk discussing him getting help. I don’t drink during the work week specifically because my job is traumatic and I don’t want to slip into that hole. If he is drinking to get through his work week it’s time to start looking at what’s causing all the stress and coming up with a solution before it’s too late.
You “allow”? YTA for thinking that way.
First – congrats on making it 6 months! A bit confused bc you say you used to be an alcoholic. But once an alcoholic always an alcoholic. Just depends on whether or not you’re sober.
Go to AA meetings for helping dealing with this. It will be 10x more helpful than Reddit