Background: I moved to his country to be with him. Most of the time I’ve been alone.
Extra background: My husband’s controlling family hates me for no reason and it’s half the reason our marriage is failing. (And no, it’s not a race thing because his brother’s wife is the same as me except they treat her like a princess.)
Last month: Husband ruined my birthday.
Now: Today was my husband’s birthday.
AITA….
I really value special days, including birthdays. Despite what happened last month on my birthday, I wanted to spend my husband’s birthday with him and have a good day with him.
He has a terrible habit of doing whatever his family wants and often (really often) leaves to see them in another city for a couple days at a time. It’s caused a lot of trouble in our marriage and so because of that, maybe the past 2 months he hasn’t as much.
He also has a terrible habit of not telling me things like this until that last moment. Like, a day before or the day of. He mentioned 2 days ago he may have to go there for work sometime this week but wouldn’t know until he talked about it today and told me he wouldn’t be going this day (I obviously assumed it was a ploy for his birthday as well given the timing.)
Today rolls around and he tells me he is actually going to leave today and be gone for 3 days (so I was right, and it felt like he lied because he’s pulled shit like this before.)
I got upset.
Although I want him to spend his birthday doing what he enjoys, I can’t help feeling betrayed, left out, and hurt.
His family didn’t invite me (again, they hate me for no reason, so I don’t necessarily even want to go if they did, however, that’s not the point.)
It also really hurts that it doesn’t even bother him and that he didn’t even care that we wouldn’t be spending his day together and with his wife by his side.
I just feel like this is how my life is always going to be.
Being constantly ostracized and always having to battle between his family for his time, especially on special occasions like holidays and birthdays.
I’ve been spiraling all day and have had to ignore his brief “I love you” texts he sent because the way I see it, he doesn’t. (There’s other issues, but this is today’s.)
TLDR:
AITA for getting upset at him for spending his birthday with his family without me/his wife (even though I’M his family, too)?
Comments
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Background: I moved to his country to be with him. Most of the time I’ve been alone.
Extra background: My husband’s controlling family hates me for no reason and it’s half the reason our marriage is failing. (And no, it’s not a race thing because his brother’s wife is the same as me except they treat her like a princess.)
Last month: Husband ruined my birthday.
Now: Today was my husband’s birthday.
AITA….
I really value special days, including birthdays. Despite what happened last month on my birthday, I wanted to spend my husband’s birthday with him and have a good day with him.
He has a terrible habit of doing whatever his family wants and often (really often) leaves to see them in another city for a couple days at a time. It’s caused a lot of trouble in our marriage and so because of that, maybe the past 2 months he hasn’t as much.
He also has a terrible happened of not telling me things like this until that last moment. Like a day before or the day of. He mentioned 2 days ago he may have to go there for work sometime this week but wouldn’t know until he talked about it today (and I obviously assumed for his birthday as well given the timing.)
Today rolls around and he tells me he is actually going to leave today and be gone for 3 days (which felt like a lie because he’s pulled shit like this before.)
I got upset.
Although I want him to spend his birthday doing what he enjoys, I can’t help feeling betrayed, left out, and hurt.
His family didn’t invite me (again, they hate me for no reason, so I don’t necessarily even want to go if they did, however, that’s not the point.)
It also really hurts that it doesn’t even bother him and that he didn’t even care that we wouldn’t be spending his day together and with his wife by his side.
I just feel like this is how my life is always going to be.
Being constantly ostracized and always having to battle between his family for his time, especially on special occasions like holidays and birthdays.
I’ve been spiraling all day and have had to ignore his brief “I love you” texts he sent because the way I see it, he doesn’t. (There’s other issues, but this is today’s.)
TLDR:
AITA for getting upset at him for spending his birthday with his family without me/his wife (even though I’M his family, too)?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1 & 2: I’ve gotten upset and ignored my husband all day because he chose to spend his birthday with his family that treats me like garbage. Not sure if I’m being selfish or my feelings are valid and normal.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Info, please
Why do you stay? What do you add to each other’s lives?
NTA. Time to get a divorce lawyer and plane tickets back home.
NTA
You don’t have an in-law problem.
You have a husband problem. Ultimately, they treat you they way he allows them to treat you.
Personally, I’d spend his birthday calling divorce lawyers and have him served the day he gets back.
[removed]
INFO: Why did you marry him? Did you not know about his family?
NTA You need to get out of this relationship you have no future.
That is a hard one since everyone has different insurance and some choose doctors that are not part of the network like me. Mine is wonderful so would never dream of changing. 130 here.
NTA. Your marriage isn’t failing, it has failed already.
Your husband doesn’t want to be with you because he leaves you for days at a time and doesn’t even have the courtesy to let you know in advance.
His parents hate you and that is never going to change. They love your husband and they don’t want you married to him anymore.
They’re going to make your life miserable until you ask for a divorce. Save them some time and make an appointment with a divorce attorney now.
Don’t wait for HIM to make a decision about the rest of YOUR life. Take back your power.
NTA your husband doesn’t love you anymore,lie to you often about 3 days work trip? He’s probably spending time with his family and/or side girl, hence the no invitation to anything he do.
Time to get a lawyer and get back your happiness cause it won’t get better…
Take care.
NTA but this is really sad and feel like I want to give you a hug.
It’s not just his family who seem controlling, it’s him. He’s got you to move to a foreign country, isolated you, allowing his family to bully you and then abandons you for a few days when he knows you’re alone.
Please get out now and before children are involved (if that’s your plan)
NTA and i can’t judge or even know that much about your marriage from your letter, but it certainly sounds like he is not the man for you. he should not allow his family to disparage you or keep you from family occasions. He should not be disappearing for days with little to no explanation or notice, and he shouldn’t have ruined your birthday.
if you stay with him, I think this will be what your future looks like. It’s easy to tell someone you love them in a text, it’s a lot harder and way more important for you to show it and act like it in real life. I don’t think you can or should trust this man.
you need to do what makes you happy and what makes you feel safe and loved. you sound like a strong woman, you can do this. Good luck.
NTA and ask yourself if you want to be spending another year with this uncertainty, frustration, lack of empathy and consideration? If another year feels unbearable then a lifetime is out of the question, isn’t it? Your husband has made his choices. Now you should choose what makes you happy in the long run.
NTA.. one of the best pieces of advice I got in my late 20s in terms of marriage is to know that you are not just marrying the person but their family as well. So many people think they can get past this type of stuff but if your husband isn’t willing to establish boundaries, it will never work out in your favor. He is prioritizing his family over his wife and that is not acceptable. His lies about it make it worse. He made a conscious decision to lie to you to so that he could give in to his family. He places them higher than you in terms of importance.
You should be seeking out representation for divorce to get ahead of him in the process.
You are NOT the AH. You are right in considering that this is not the best situation for you. Really search your heart to see if this is the life you want or the life you can continue.
I can guarantee the family doesn’t “hate you for no reason.” If they don’t like you, there’s a reason. From the tone of your post and your choice of words, it sounds like you have a lot of resentment toward them. I’m sure they feel that. It also sounds like you put your husband in the position of having to choose between you – that’s never a good thing. Yes, your husband should value you as his wife and you should be his priority, but as a wife who’s been married for 20+ years I can tell you, that doesn’t mean you get to act like his family isn’t important. Because they are.
I think if you want to save this marriage, you’re going to need to put in some hard work to repair the relationship with his family. If you’re not willing to do that, I really think you should cut your losses and move on, because this relationship is not going to work.
Your life will indeed always be like this unless you do something about it. Assuming you have no children, I would take this time to buy a ticket back home to people who love you and spend some quiet time reflecting on what you want from this life.
Seems like a problem to have addressed before getting married
NTA but this is going to get pulled bc it doesn’t meet sub criteria
Also your marriage is headed down a one way street so I think you need to envision what you will do when that happens. Bc he’s a grown ass man and this isn’t surprising him. He is making his choices. Make yours.
NTA can you escape from this place or would you need his permission?
Honey, it’s time to go home. You deserve better.