My husband (28M) and I (26F) recently got married. His parents are Nigerian and have lived in the US for about 30 years, however they do not share finances even though they still live together/are married. The week of the wedding, his parents owed about $2,000 left towards the reception, and his dad began sending money in $1,000 increments as he got paid. Conveniently after the first $1,000 payment, my husband’s mom reached out asking for $1,000 for clothes/transportation money for job interviews. He sent it to her. The next week after his dad sent the second $1,000 payment to us, his mom sent a text to my husband saying “Thanks so much for the money last week, I’m wondering if you can send another $1,000 to help with the hotel arrangements for us from the wedding?” (They traveled from out of town).
So essentially, we have received the money his dad promised to pay towards the wedding, however his mom asked for the same amounts back. We confirmed with his dad that he was not aware of this happening. Since we’ve been married, his mom has reached out asking for money towards her own phone bill, groceries, etc, which has racked up to about $500 in a month. I clearly think my husband is being taken advantage of, as this NEVER happened before we were married, however my husband’s perspective is “My parents helped me my entire life, so I feel I should help them as well”. I have NO problem helping either side of the family with money if it’s needed, however the consistency and timing of his mom asking seems manipulative to me. When we approached his mom about it, she could not see my side of it at all, and stated to my husband that maybe I don’t understand because it’s a ‘cultural thing’. My husband is incredibly kind and generous, and I worry about him being taken for granted. Am I the asshole to think this is weird behavior and we should shut it down? Is this actually a cultural thing?
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My husband (28M) and I (26F) recently got married. His parents are Nigerian and have lived in the US for about 30 years, however they do not share finances even though they still live together/are married. The week of the wedding, his parents owed about $2,000 left towards the reception, and his dad began sending money in $1,000 increments as he got paid. Conveniently after the first $1,000 payment, my husband’s mom reached out asking for $1,000 for clothes/transportation money for job interviews. He sent it to her. The next week after his dad sent the second $1,000 payment to us, his mom sent a text to my husband saying “Thanks so much for the money last week, I’m wondering if you can send another $1,000 to help with the hotel arrangements for us from the wedding?” (They traveled from out of town).
So essentially, we have received the money his dad promised to pay towards the wedding, however his mom asked for the same amounts back. We confirmed with his dad that he was not aware of this happening. Since we’ve been married, his mom has reached out asking for money towards her own phone bill, groceries, etc, which has racked up to about $500 in a month. I clearly think my husband is being taken advantage of, as this NEVER happened before we were married, however my husband’s perspective is “My parents helped me my entire life, so I feel I should help them as well”. I have NO problem helping either side of the family with money if it’s needed, however the consistency and timing of his mom asking seems manipulative to me. When we approached his mom about it, she could not see my side of it at all, and stated to my husband that maybe I don’t understand because it’s a ‘culteral thing’. Am I the asshole to think this is weird behavior and we should shut it down? Is this actually a cultural thing for the children to send money to their parents?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I told my husband we need to stop sending his mom money
2) She states it’s a cultural thing and that I do not understand this is part of the family
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Nta. You should have a serious talk with your husband about this before it spins out of control. It affects YOU now and he doesn’t get to just funnel money to his mom when he feels like it.
NTA. I’d let my husband know that you have decided to follow his parents’ footsteps and that from now on, YOUR money and HIS money are now separate. Don’t send a dime to either of them.
NTA. Keep your finances separated until this is resolved. MIL is using your husband to money launder. His parents need to talk to each other and not use your husband.
NTA.
It very well could be a cultural thing, but that doesn’t mean it is how your family needs to operate. You need to have a frank discussion with your husband to clear the air and set clear financial boundaries. There is no right way or wrong way for families to handle finances. You’ll have to decide how your particular marriage will handle money.
First, while it may be that his parents don’t share finances, they certainly shared information in this case. It is impossible for his mother to know when and how much to ask for otherwise. In other words, his mom certainly knew what her husband was doing, even if he didn’t tell her.
Second, it is common in many cultures for adult children to send money to their parents. I’m not an expert, but I don’t think it typically starts with marriage, but starts as soon as the child earns decent money. But perhaps due to the wedding, his mother has suddenly perceived that he is making good money.
Hopefully this is a short-term thing based on their extra expenses from the wedding. But it would not surprise me at all if this was all a convenient way for his mother to get $2000+ from her husband, and now more from her son.
NTA. MIL is an AH for this, and your husband is AH for not consulting you before sending money. You two should have a firm budget, however it is split. Any money he sends to his parents needs to come out of his own “discretionary spending” or “gifts” or “fun budget.”
NTA. If his parents can keep their finances separate, so can the two of you. Your husband should not be using money sent to the two of you to finance his mother.
NTA but how did you now have a conversation about finances before you got married?