Background: So, as with many people out there, I have not had a great relationship with my sister in law (SIL). Since meeting her, we have butted heads over many issues, which have resulted in unpleasant family trips and holidays. I feel she has been rude and disrespectful to me on many topics, most painful of which is the fact that my husband and I care for her mother (my MIL) full-time. Their mother has early-onset Alzheimer’s, and we moved her to our city (despite her living near my SIL previously), to take care of her full-time. She has lived in our house for the past 3 years, and we provide around-the-clock care for her advanced dementia.
My SIL has never offered assistance, financial or otherwise, for her own mother. When we travel together, she doesn’t help care for her mother, and my husband and I end up doing it. She continually questions her condition and tells us we should just stick her in a nursing home. When she does visit or call, we get criticism and critiques of how we should be caring for my MIL better. This is personally offensive to me, not only for someone telling me how to run my house, but that we have given her own mother a great life, and she should be offering help and gratitude, not telling us what to do differently when she shows up once or twice a year. I truly don’t mind that we do 100% of the care for her mother, but I don’t want criticism for how we do it. When a conflict with my SIL arises, my husband does not step in, mediate, or defend me from his sister’s attacks.
When my SIL visits my city to see her mother, my husband wants to let her stay in our house. Last time I put my foot down and said no, because I was 5 months pregnant and my own mother was just diagnosed with terminal cancer, so I have been very overwhelmed. She didn’t stay in our home, and that visit went ok.
Now SIL wants to visit for the upcoming holidays, and my husband wants to let her stay in our house. I am still nervous about this, because if a conflict does arise, my husband won’t support me, and I will be uncomfortable in my own house.
I am currently 8 months pregnant, and the baby will be 6 weeks old during her visit over the holidays. I am very nervous to agree to let someone I have had so much difficulty with stay in my house, especially when I will have a newborn baby, and am still going through absolute hell with my mother’s cancer situation. Supporting my parents through this time has been devastating, on top of being pregnant and caring for my MIL. I’m trying to be protective of my mental health and the well-being of my new family.
I am happy to spend time with her and try to improve our relationship over time. She can take her mother out as much as she wants, meet our new baby, I just don’t want her staying in our house in case an issue arises.
FWIW she has enough money to stay at a hotel no problem.
AITA for telling my husband my SIL can’t stay with us during the holidays?
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Background: So, as with many people out there, I have not had a great relationship with my sister in law (SIL). Since meeting her, we have butted heads over many issues, which have resulted in unpleasant family trips and holidays. I feel she has been rude and disrespectful to me on many topics, most painful of which is the fact that my husband and I care for her mother (my MIL) full-time. Their mother has early-onset Alzheimer’s, and we moved her to our city (despite her living near my SIL previously), to take care of her full-time. She has lived in our house for the past 3 years, and we provide around-the-clock care for her advanced dementia.
My SIL has never offered assistance, financial or otherwise, for her own mother. When we travel together, she doesn’t help care for her mother, and my husband and I end up doing it. She continually questions her condition and tells us we should just stick her in a nursing home. When she does visit or call, we get criticism and critiques of how we should be caring for my MIL better. This is personally offensive to me, not only for someone telling me how to run my house, but that we have given her own mother a great life, and she should be offering help and gratitude, not telling us what to do differently when she shows up once or twice a year. I truly don’t mind that we do 100% of the care for her mother, but I don’t want criticism for how we do it. When a conflict with my SIL arises, my husband does not step in, mediate, or defend me from his sister’s attacks.
When my SIL visits my city to see her mother, my husband wants to let her stay in our house. Last time I put my foot down and said no, because I was 5 months pregnant and my own mother was just diagnosed with terminal cancer, so I have been very overwhelmed. She didn’t stay in our home, and that visit went ok.
Now SIL wants to visit for the upcoming holidays, and my husband wants to let her stay in our house. I am still nervous about this, because if a conflict does arise, my husband won’t support me, and I will be uncomfortable in my own house.
I am currently 8 months pregnant, and the baby will be 6 weeks old during her visit over the holidays. I am very nervous to agree to let someone I have had so much difficulty with stay in my house, especially when I will have a newborn baby, and am still going through absolute hell with my mother’s cancer situation. Supporting my parents through this time has been devastating, on top of being pregnant and caring for my MIL. I’m trying to be protective of my mental health and the well-being of my new family.
I am happy to spend time with her and try to improve our relationship over time. She can take her mother out as much as she wants, meet our new baby, I just don’t want her staying in our house in case an issue arises.
FWIW she has enough money to stay at a hotel no problem.
AITA for telling my husband my SIL can’t stay with us during the holidays?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I told my husband that my sister in law is not allowed to stay at our house over the holidays. Many (my husband included) would say its cruel to tell family they cant stay at your place when you do have the space
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA Forgetting the rest of the lore of your story- you’re going to be still healing and have a newborn. No one should be expected to play host with a 6 week old baby.
You also have a husband problem. When your life settles more, and is less overwhelming I urge you to explore your husbands lack of support for you. You’re doing so much for him, the least he can do is look out for you.
Frankly, your SIL could be the best person in the world and you would still NOT be the AH. You will just given birth, you are healing, you need rest. Guests are not something a new mother should worry about.
NTA
New baby no immunity – need to limit visitors until vaccines are given. Perfect excuse.
NTA
Go back to the part where your husband won’t support you. That’s the crux of the problem. If he won’t defend you, keep you from having to deal with her mouth, or at the very least strongly agree with you when you reject what she’s saying… hoo boy is that a red flag.
I haven’t had issues with my siblings vs. my wife, but if I ever did it’d be one of the quickest decisions of my life.
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I know it’s not what your post is about, but if you can afford it, you really should look at some homes. I’ve worked a dimensia care unit. It’s hard work, and I could separate it from my home life.
Husband needs to grow a backbone and stand up for you! Also who needs another visitor in their home with a new baby? Baby won’t be protected from any possible disease SIL may bring into the home. NTA!
Your real issue is with your husband.
As an adult, that can pay for a hotel room, I would never expect to say in a house with a newborn unless I was invited by the mother, or the primary caregiver. Staying there would be way too intrusive. I get being there during the day, if I could be of help with the care of the baby or MIL, but I would be relieved to be able to go back to the hotel.
I agree, the husband needs to set the boundaries with his sister. If she nick picks the way you take care of her mother, I couldn’t imagine what she say about how you are caring for your baby
NTA your husband needs to stand up for you. You are doing so much for his mother, while dealing with your own’s illness, and having babies. And he can’t tell his sister no for you? Or to stop criticizing you? Oof.
I’d tell him HE has to tell her no. He can help her find a hotel or something, or she can stay with another relative, but not at your house. You have too much going on, especially with a new baby, you will not have the room, or mental bandwidth, for a house guest.
If he refuses and insists she stay, then I’d say “fine, but I won’t be here” and go stay with your parents or elsewhere, and he and his sister can care for his mom. If fact you should do that at some point anyway, give yourself a day off.
NTA 6 week old baby is the ultimate excuse freebie. It’s an overwhelming time and you already have a lot going on. Before this new baby comes you have to have a conversation with your husband about him sticking up for you. If he’s chronically non-confrontational he needs to go to therapy or something. Resentments like that just build.
Tell him no, you already have your hands full with his mother. If he wants more members of his family staying overnight, you will leave for a break and he can take care of everything with their help. You absolutely will not stay in the house with any more people added. Visits have to be during daytime, as being host is too draining otherwise.
As someone who has taken care of my grandparents both had a form of Dementia, DO NOT let her stay at your house. With one person who already needs full time care and a new baby, you do not need that stress. If your husband won’t agree, home elsewhere for the holidays away from that mess, and let them take care of her on their own. See how quick they STFU. Also your husband needs to grow a pair, and have your back on pretty much everything within reason.
NTA Correct response is “unfortunately she can’t stay here since you can’t set limits or back me up”. Put that right back on your husband. Unfortunately your hands are tied.
NTA – it’s time for you and your husband to sit down and have an honest open difficult discussion about how much you can do in your situation.
You are first and foremost responsible for the health and well being of yourself and your child, because you are carrying your baby. What affects you, negatively, affects the baby, negatively. When your baby is born, You are legally and morally responsible for the health and well being of your baby because your baby cannot advocate for themselves. You are NOT responsible for MIL or for your mother.
But in your list of priorities, it’s your baby, you, your husband/marriage, your mother, and then his mother.
Your husband in his list of priorities is his child, you/marriage, his mother, your mother.
NOTICE that your SIL isn’t on your list or your husband’s list. You don’t owe her anything. Your husband is preferring to throw you under the bus with his sister than to tell her NO, you cannot stay here, we have too much going on.
Now, my MIL had Alzheimer’s, so i understand what you are going through. My husband passed from cancer, so again I understand what you are experiencing with your mother. And I have a child.
You have absolutely no room to deal with a condescending SIL. This should be a no brainer.
Your MIL, I strongly suggest that you and your husband start to look at MEMORY care places. We ended up putting my MIL in one. These are not nursing homes. They are places or floors of assisted living places which cater to Alzheimer’s and dementia patients. There are some wonderful places that not only provide the care that you and nurses are doing, but also provide enrichment for the patients so they can life a life as fulfilling as possible. The staff at my MILs place were some of the most compassionate patient people that I have ever met. Having someone else care for MIL, allowed us the family to visit her and enjoy the visits and spending time with her. You can’t enjoy activities with her when you are also trying to care for her and your baby and visiting /helping your own mother.
I am not telling you what to do. I am suggesting to you that you need to prioritize your life, and you/your baby/your marriage come first. Your mother is next, followed by your MIL.
This is a marathon, and any reasonable person could handle one or two of these. But it is unrealistic for you to manage all three and deal with a toxic SIL aggravating the situation and a husband who is less than helpful in managing SIL or his mother. I say this as someone who has been through all of these situations personally. I also watched my mother burn herself out taking on too much with her mother and us kids and a full time job. You need to recognize your limitations and priorities and prioritize.
It is NOT your responsibility to care for MIL. You have taken on that responsibility admirably. But you are now nearing the end of your pregnancy where you will need to care more for yourself and your baby. You will need to spend this precious time with your mother who carried you and gave birth to you.
Your husband is responsible for his mother. He is also responsible for you and the child you share. It is his responsibility to take over and eliminate the tasks that you shouldn’t be doing or are not responsible for doing.
Your husband and you should look at memory care places for MIL, then he should meet with SIL and they need to figure out together how to pay for it if MILs income and assets isn’t enough.
This is not a failing on you. This is you needing to recognize that you need to change your focus and priorities and you need to remove SIL and MIL from your plate COMPLETELY. Your husband needs to take on the responsibility of MIl and SIL fully.
Lastly, there are no do overs with your baby. You only get one birth, one newborn phase, one time to bond with your newborn. You caring for MIL or not isn’t going to change MIL or what happens to her. You spending time with your mom and letting your mom spend time with your baby, if possible, is what you will remember for the rest of your life.
NTA. The only reason to stay at someone’s house if they have a newborn is if you’re there to help them. She can stay somewhere else. Your husband needs to prioritize you over his sister.
NTA for all the reasons. Newborn is enough to make her stay at a hotel. You being post partum by itself is enough to make her stay in hotel. Your husband’s refusal to stand up for his wife is enough to make her stay in a hotel. Her treatment and attitude are enough to make her stay in a hotel.
Don’t let SIL bring you down. Its your house. She has disrespected it by disrespecting you. You don’t need that added stress in your own home while you are already caring for an elderly dementia patient.
NTA. However, your husband ITA for not having your back.
You definitely need a conversation with husband. You are his wife and mother of his children. He needs to have your back. SIL needs to stay in hotel. You don’t need the added stress. And if she comes to your house, show her the door. Let her know you won’t tolerate her rudeness anymore. If husband doesn’t like it then tell him to go with sister since he’s already not backing you and helping you.
NTA. You should be comfortable in your own home.
NTA,
SIL sounds draining and terrible.
NTA. No way would I want that stress in my home ever, let alone during the holidays. If your husband won’t back you, could you go to one of your family members during her visit? I would not want to be anywhere near her.
NTA. Except you’re going to need to get tougher. SIL criticizes what you do for her mother? Tell her to FO. Husband wants to let her stay with you? Tell him NO. You really need to have that tough conversation with your husband. Your health and your child’s health come first.
NTA. SIL definitely AH, husband kinda AH.
Go stay with your parents and leave your husband with his sister and mom. NTA
Bigger question is howdo you plan to raise a newborn and care dementia person let alone hosting pp…even if your mil does not live with you, even if your sil was friendly only pp who should stay a post partum persons house are ones that are there to took care of her and the baby…..
If she criticizes how you care for her mother, suggest that since she knows what’s best SHE CAN TAKE OVER THE CARE.
If she does not want to do that then tell her to shut her hole.
Nta,
Why are you letting your husband treat you this way. You need to stand up for yourself. If you tell him no & he says yes, then you take a break during this visit. Leave the house go visit your family. Don’t cook,clean,help take care of his mom or his sister. Let him become overwhelmed that he will understand it when you say no people need to learn the gravity they place onto others
Let’s be honest: your husband isn’t doing anything extra at all to host his sister, is he? The whole burden of the household rests on you? And he wants to add to it when you just gave birth? No. Just no.
If he has a problem with that, take your kids and stay elsewhere. Let him look after everyone all alone.
It really is a Husband problem, not a SIL problem. If he was a better person, she wouldn’t be a problem at all as she would know her place.
NTA
NTA. Don’t let her stay! Your mental health will be all over the place after baby is born, so the last thing you need is more stress! SIL needs to find other accommodations especially if your husband doesn’t stand up for you!
Update me
NTA
NTA. “What with taking care of your mother, my mom’s diagnosis, and the new baby who will just have arrived, we can’t host visitors this year.” END OF DISCUSSION
NTA — your husband lacks a spine so you’re just gonna have to put your foot down and tell him no means no. He’s probably used to his sister always getting her way and bullying him and he’s let it continue into adulthood but this stops now. You’re more important than his sister. Even if you weren’t taking care of his mother, even if you weren’t pregnant, even if you weren’t gonna have a new baby, You still come first. His sister does not need to be there. Unless she brings you peace and joy and helps and she’s not welcome to stay with you. She can get an Airbnb nearby. If he doesn’t like that, then I say you get an Airbnb during the time she’s going to stay there and you be somewhere else and let him take care of his mother and his sister full-time. He can either have an upset sister or he can have a pissed off wife and holidays without you and the baby.
NTA. Don’t give your husband an voice in this decision if he can’t be trusted to have your back. You tell SIL she will not be staying with you. You tell SIL your planned visiting hours. She is allowed over when You say, and that is it. You will have enough to do with a newborn and your caring responsibilities without adding the stress of hosting into the mix.
Absolutely NOT the AH. YOU are the priority in your OWN home. NO she cannot stay here PERIOD. SIL made her bed and now she can sleep in it at a HOTEL 🛍️🏨. Stand your ground. ☺️ You should be sainted for taking care of MIL and your SIL should be kissing your ass and feet. I worked with dementia patients, I know the immense effort that goes into their care. God bless you 🙏☺️
Absolutely not. No fucking way.
NO. Do NOT let her stay in your home. She needs to book a hotel and just come for one daily meal which should be an easy meal for you to prepare. 🙏🏼
NTA
SIL can stay in a hotel. SIL, husband, mil should all have recent vaccinations. Especially SIL because she is traveling. Baby doesn’t need the exposure.
Husband can go F*ck himself. Tell him no way is she staying. Op you need to grow a steely spine. Tell him since he won’t stand up to his sister you will. No more being ridiculed, criticized or critiqued in your home about anything!
Also include If SIL criticizes you and he won’t have your back, Mom has to go because you will be Done, Finished, Finito, over it!
Visitors with an infant and recovering mom? No fucking way. You and husband need a come to Jesus moment asap.
NTA. You have more than enough on your plate. I’m so sorry about your Mom. I lost my Mom to cancer it was devastating. SIL should stay in hotel during her visit. You need to have as much calming energy in the house as possible. I hope hubby will support you. He probably sees you as super woman and has never realized how much stress SIL can cause
SIL is brazen to even ask. Toxic narcissist 😈🔥
Absolutely NTA, although your hubby and SIL share that title. Even if you had no children at all, it is too big an ask for you to welcome into your home someone so unpleasant. SIL can stay at a hotel or AirBnB if she wants to have room to get the family together. The fact that hubby has never stood up for you against her berating, and now wants to invite her to stay, has me questioning his grasp of reality. Is he usually so mentally absent? I cannot imagine any scenario where this is the best course of action. With two small kids and a dependent adult needing care, you do not need one iota of additional stress…And you know she’ll bring it!
I am assuming that your husband will take care of all the preparations for his sister to visit, as well as any entertaining of her that will be required, along with 50% of caring for a new baby, right, while you take care of only your normal responsibilities and your 50% of the newbabycare, right? And of course he will shut down any criticism his sister starts in on?
Why do I get the impression that all the hosting responsibilities will be placed on you? On top of most of the parenting responsibilities for a newborn. With zero support to be expected from your husband?
This one of those where everyone except OP (and the MIL in this case) come off as Disney villains and I struggle to believe them. But, I’ll play. Of course NTA; but with that description there’s pretty much no other judgement you could or will get on here.
“Husband/SIL — I am a full time caretaker for your mother and at Christmas I will also have a newborn baby, in addition to helping with my mother’s terminal illness. I’m sorry but I do not have the mental or emotional capacity to have a guest in my house. Thank you for understanding that I am completely overwhelmed at the moment and do not have room in my plate for even one small thing. I need support and if you can find time to help by taking your mother for some day trips to entertain her and give me a little break, I will be very grateful.”
NTA and tell him no. However, you need to have a much bigger talk with him. Explain that part of the reason for no is the fact that he doesn’t support or defend you when it comes to her. That’s a problem. Not just for the once or twice a year, she visits but period. You shouldn’t have to tip toe or just accept what his sister says/does because you cant trust him to stand up for you and youre not in a place to be able to take on the extra stress of dealing with an issue with her on your own. Why doesn’t he defend you? What is going on, and how can the two of you communicate about this and work it out?
Did you guys talk to her before moving the mother or did you guys just do it because I would be pissed if you just up and moved my mom it’s her mother too
You could deliver late and have a 4 week old rather than a 6 week old. You could end up needing a c-section or developing complications or postpartum depression. Please understand, I am not wishing any of these things on you, I am just stating possibilities. Unless she is only staying 1 or 2 nights, she is almost certainly is going to increase your burdens rather than lighten them. If you end up needing a c-section, is she going to end up lending a hand with cooking or cleaning or will she and husband expect you to play hostess? If she won’t even pitch in to help with her own mother, how likely is she to help around the house if you are still recuperating from giving birth? How likely is your husband? At least if she sleeps elsewhere, at most you might don’t have to entertain her all day and she can hopefully get some of her meals elsewhere.
NTA
You need to have a completely serious and somewhat angry conversation with your husband… and you need to say it like you mean business.
Why haven’t you said this:
“Listen, John, I’m NOT going to put up with YOUR disrespect any longer, nor your sister’s. I DESERVE your respect, and I deserve to have you stand up to your sister on my behalf when she’s being a b. I have been helping to take care of YOUR MOTHER… FOR THREE years, and you’re NOT living up to anything close to the man I respected and admired when I married you. You’ve become a disappointment. I’ve lovingly helped you with your Mom, and you have YET to use your backbone and stand up for me STRONGLY to your sister when she’s being disrespectful. I’m completely DONE with your lack of action. I’m pregnant with YOUR CHILD, taking care of YOUR mother and I’ll be damned if I’m going to put up with your sister’s nonsense one more minute. Do NOT test me. You have to decide in the next 10 minutes whether MY FEELINGS, and MY help with YOUR mother, are worth more to you than allowing your sister to disrespect me. I’ve reached my shit-tolerance limit and I’m done. You have but one opportunity to save your marriage. And 10 minutes to decide who you are going to be. Someone who allows his sister to disrespect his wife/mother of his child/caregiver to his own mother… or a man with a backbone who doesn’t allow ANYONE to disrespect his wife. 10 minutes.”
Rent an Airbnb and you and baby leave. Or go to your family side.
Sister-in-law and husband can take care of Mom 100% on their own and do the holiday 100% on their own .
Your husband is a jerk
Does your husband even love you? Or are you just beneficial because you take care of your mother? Because it sounds like your husband hates you.
Of course she should not stay with you! You don’t even need a reason, although you have PLENTY!! I am more concerned about your marriage. Maybe consider counseling.
Stop worrying about the relationship with your SIL, it’s not going to happen. Drop the rope and let your husband handle her. Just not in your house! If husband disregards your wishes, take your baby and ho to your family for the holiday. The 2 of them can deal with mil and everything at the house. Star letting husband know that he needs to come to counseling with you to learn how to stand up for you or your leaving the house might be permanent.
NTA – what you’re actually saying is that your husband doesn’t back you up. That’s the issue.
You need to have a serious conversation with your husband
NTA- this is a post partum mental health issue for you. He has zero say in what youll feel like at 6wks PP. She can pay to stay somewhere that she can tell people how to do things. The last thing you are going to want to do is host her when you dont even like her. You dont owe her anything.
NTA!!! Now it’s time to PUT THAT OTHER FOOT DOWN!!! You’ve already done it once, WASH, RINSE and REPEAT!!!!