My ‘friend’ Claire was the first person to introduce themself to me when i moved to my city. I was so flattered and grateful. It turned out she had a sweet little girl in my daughter’s class, and they lived nearby! I was so happy!
But over time, as we walked to school together every day The conversation was always forced and her answers were flat ‘yeah / no.’ I began to find we didn’t really connect.
Over time, Claire would constantly text asking me to have her daughter over, I didn’t mind at first But she never reciprocated the favour. Plus her daughter was a nightmare to feed so I would have to buy special food in for her.
Not once in 2 years that I’ve known her has she asked me for or offered me out for even a coffee.
When she finally had another baby with a man she had (purposely) fallen pregnant by after dating for 2 weeks I had to have her daughter for 48 hours. I didn’t want to, but she has ‘no one else.’
My kid asks me why Claire never invites us over. I brush it off saying Claire likes her daughter to come to us because we have a bigger garden to play in, but secretly I feel pissed off and USED.
Recently I’ve been unwell so my other half has been doing the school run. But for the last day of term, I joined him and went to school.
As soon as Claire saw me she ran over and burst into tears apologising for her baby daddy’s behaviour and if he was ever rude to me. But he never was, genuinely I was just unwell.
As she was in such a state I asked her to join us for a bbq that evening as she clearly needed cheering up. When she was there she told us all about the trouble with the baby daddy and how the police came and took him away. I listened patiently and offered comfort. I was relieved when she finally left as she has put a downer on everything that night.
The next day I got a text from her, I thought oh nice! She’s going to thank me for last night! (Not to mention all the free booze and food she consumed, she didn’t even bring food for her kid and baby – muggins here had to supply it all).
Well, I was wrong. ‘My daughter wants a play date with your daughter.’ There wasn’t even a fucking ‘please’ or thank you! Just a manipulative message asking me to have her kid at my house AGAIN!!! I say manipulative as she always has a way of phrasing it so that if I say no, I’m saying no directly to her sweet little girl.
Call it a death by a thousand cuts or the straw that broke the camels back but I think I am done with this one way friendship. I get she’s having a hard time but I feel like she drags me down and uses me because I have a steady home and a husband, and I’m convenient to dump her kid on.
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My ‘friend’ Claire was the first person to introduce themself to me when i moved to my city. I was so flattered and grateful. It turned out she had a sweet little girl in my daughter’s class, and they lived nearby! I was so happy!
But over time, as we walked to school together every day The conversation was always forced and her answers were flat ‘yeah / no.’ I began to find we didn’t really connect.
Over time, Claire would constantly text asking me to have her daughter over, I didn’t mind at first But she never reciprocated the favour. Plus her daughter was a nightmare to feed so I would have to buy special food in for her.
Not once in 2 years that I’ve known her has she asked me for or offered me out for even a coffee.
When she finally had another baby with a man she had (purposely) fallen pregnant by after dating for 2 weeks I had to have her daughter for 48 hours. I didn’t want to, but she has ‘no one else.’
My kid asks me why Claire never invites us over. I brush it off saying Claire likes her daughter to come to us because we have a bigger garden to play in, but secretly I feel pissed off and USED.
Recently I’ve been unwell so my other half has been doing the school run. But for the last day of term, I joined him and went to school.
As soon as Claire saw me she ran over and burst into tears apologising for her baby daddy’s behaviour and if he was ever rude to me. But he never was, genuinely I was just unwell.
As she was in such a state I asked her to join us for a bbq that evening as she clearly needed cheering up. When she was there she told us all about the trouble with the baby daddy and how the police came and took him away. I listened patiently and offered comfort. I was relieved when she finally left as she has put a downer on everything that night.
The next day I got a text from her, I thought oh nice! She’s going to thank me for last night! (Not to mention all the free booze and food she consumed, she didn’t even bring food for her kid and baby – muggins here had to supply it all).
Well, I was wrong. ‘My daughter wants a play date with your daughter.’ There wasn’t even a fucking ‘please’ or thank you! Just a manipulative message asking me to have her kid at my house AGAIN!!! I say manipulative as she always has a way of phrasing it so that if I say no, I’m saying no directly to her sweet little girl.
Call it a death by a thousand cuts or the straw that broke the camels back but I think I am done with this one way friendship. I get she’s having a hard time but I feel like she drags me down and uses me because I have a steady home and a husband, and I’m convenient to dump her kid on.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> We need to know (1) what action you took that should be judged – Trying to distance myself from Claire as I’m sick of her drama and using me 2) why that action might make you the asshole – She’s a needy person who doesn’t have (m)any friends. Her kid is nice, maybe I’m just bring an asshole about it?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Simple answer to her question: “Oh, I think that is nice. I will send my daughter over to you at two. Is it possible that she stays with you till dinner so they girls can connect and husband and I can watch a movie together?’
She never wrote that the playdate has to be at your place. So just interpret it as she invited her over and she has to be rude, if she is telling you, that she ment for her daughter to come over. And if she does that, you can still write something along the line ‘sorry, is a bad timeing as our house is a mess at the moment.’
“My daughter wants a play date with your daughter”.
Well, that doesn’t specifically say ‘can my daughter come to yours’, so you might feel better if you play it a little oblivious and act like she’s offering to take both girls. Maybe she is?
“If you want to pick her up for a play date, that would be great! The park or your house suit us best, at x time”
And if she asks to come to yours just say that doesn’t work for me at the moment.
NTA, she is definitely using you. I don’t know the dynamics of your school or town, so I’d say don’t be petty – play it safe. Be nice but keep giving her excuses until she stops texting back. You don’t have to respond to her asap either. Just text back hours later, saying, oh, sorry, I’m trying to take a digital detox, or, sorry, I’ve been busy and haven’t checked my phone. I imagine she’ll still be aggressive or even more about it, but once she texts something nasty, screenshot it, and send it back to her when she texts you. You’re definitely NTA here, and I feel sorry that you’re stuck in a situation with a toxic person like this
Nta, but the BBQ thing is on you. You knew she was upset and invited her over. And you were the host, so you would supply all the food unless there was communication indicating otherwise. But other than that, she has been using you.
You are not wrong. Don´t get used. There is zero love.
I understand why you feel like you are being used, and the advice to respond with a time she can take your daughter to her place is good, but you aren’t the only person in the equation who will be affected if you end the friendship. Your daughter will be affected as well. Since they attend the same school and may even be in the same class, your daughter can’t escape the way you can. Also, if the girls are good friends this could be very detrimental to both of them. You don’t have to cut the friendship to establish boundaries. Some people just aren’t aware that they are asking too much. If she wants a play date, say sure but I’ll need you to bring food for your daughter, I don’t have the special things she needs. Or you can respond as advised about your daughter going to their house. By never setting boundaries you created part of the situation you find yourself in. If you break it off without trying to improve the situation and end up affecting the girls you would be the AH.
Honestly, from your description, it doesn’t sound like a friendship… it sounds like she uses you as an unpaid babysitter, and that’s pretty much it…
You do need to end this and spend some time looking into yourself and asking yourself why have you allowed this to go on for so long and how can you spot the red flags that you are being used earlier on.
Does your daughter like having this other kid over? If yes, then you have to suck it up as this isn’t about you but your kid seeing their friend. You can limit the number of times or manipulate it so it’s done at the other kids house. If no, go sorry, we have other plans. I’ll get back to you until she gets the hint.
She sounds like a classic user. Prioritize your well-being and distance yourself.
You are not the ah and you have every right to not want to be friends with her given the circumstances. NTA
My ex-wife has 6 kids by 5 baby dads.
She constantly neglects her kids the moment they’re old enough to fend for themselves. Decides that if they can walk and talk, their only purpose is to be a source of income (via child support, government assistance, etc) and she has no real responsibility to them.
I don’t know if ‘Claire’ is this bad or not. But it seems like she’s looking for any means to pawn her kid off for her own mental easement. The fact that she’s done this as many times as she has; and then has the audacity to make demands rather than honest requests for things is narcissistic behavior.
NTA. Until you get an apology for her behavior and a few missed “please” and “thank you”s, drop her like a bad habit. And if/when you see her daughter, explain that her “mommy made a bad choice, and she has to make up for it before [she] can start coming back over”.