My ExH is adamant him and his new girlfriend haven’t disrespected me but it doesn’t feel like this to me.
She came on the scene whilst we were still married. We were having troubles, mainly because he was a lazy man child who wanted to be mothered during the day and a wife at night. I work full time; have kids but felt like he was an extra child I never asked for. However we were still working hard on our marriage.
On a work night out they connected, I don’t know the details. There was a noticeable shift in his behaviour and although he wouldn’t admit it I knew there was someone else.
He got very drunk one night a couple of months later and out of the blue just said we were getting a divorce. I was so exhausted from our lives and knowing I couldn’t trust him,I agreed.
We have had to live together through the divorce and selling of our home.
Whilst this has been going on for some months he has treated the home like a hotel. Coming and going as he chooses, no prior warning of when he will or won’t be here. Parenting when it suits him, becoming even more unreliable. Paying the bare minimum. All whilst splashing the cash on her.
Now I’m not an idiot; I don’t lay all the blame with her, he chose to go to her. She may have turned his head but he didn’t have to act on it.
What frustrates me the most is how they both just expect me to be the one to pick up the pieces. That they can do what they want without thinking of the kids or myself. That he can just walk away from his responsibilities to see her and think nothing of it. I don’t go out often but I do want to be able to make plans with my friends, I deserve to live my life as well, however this is a massive inconvenience to them. Our whole life revolves around them and what they want.
I feel this behaviour is incredibly disrespectful and that they should work with me not against me. Regardless of how our relationship ended we still have to coparent our children. He is adamant they have been nothing but respectful and that it’s just me over reacting.
Please can I have some outside opinions. I’ve been living this so long I don’t know if I am just overreacting.
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My ExH is adamant him and his new girlfriend haven’t disrespected me but it doesn’t feel like this to me.
She came on the scene whilst we were still married. We were having troubles, mainly because he was a lazy man child who wanted to be mothered during the day and a wife at night. I work full time; have kids but felt like he was an extra child I never asked for. However we were still working hard on our marriage.
On a work night out they connected, I don’t know the details. There was a noticeable shift in his behaviour and although he wouldn’t admit it I knew there was someone else.
He got very drunk one night a couple of months later and out of the blue just said we were getting a divorce. I was so exhausted from our lives and knowing I couldn’t trust him,I agreed.
We have had to live together through the divorce and selling of our home.
Whilst this has been going on for some months he has treated the home like a hotel. Coming and going as he chooses, no prior warning of when he will or won’t be here. Parenting when it suits him, becoming even more unreliable. Paying the bare minimum. All whilst splashing the cash on her.
Now I’m not an idiot; I don’t lay all the blame with her, he chose to go to her. She may have turned his head but he didn’t have to act on it.
What frustrates me the most is how they both just expect me to be the one to pick up the pieces. That they can do what they want without thinking of the kids or myself. That he can just walk away from his responsibilities to see her and think nothing of it. I don’t go out often but I do want to be able to make plans with my friends, I deserve to live my life as well, however this is a massive inconvenience to them. Our whole life revolves around them and what they want.
I feel this behaviour is incredibly disrespectful and that they should work with me not against me. Regardless of how our relationship ended we still have to coparent our children. He is adamant they have been nothing but respectful and that it’s just me over reacting.
Please can I have some outside opinions. I’ve been living this so long I don’t know if I am just overreacting.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My exh repeatedly tells me I am wrong and I have been living this hellish life for so long I don’t know if I am or not.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
This is not a “I just want to vent and get relationship advice” sub
NTA, when kids are involved they come first. Nothing to do with the relationship or how it ended, its about parenting at the end of the day.
He needs to put in 50 where you put in 50: that means looking after them at least 50% of the time.
Maybe time to draft out a solid coparenting plan with a third party involved (legal professional or no).
He chose to have kids, he doesn’t just get to abandon them whenever he wants. If he refuses, he should be forced to pay full child support so you can pay for childminding help, etc.
Get a good lawyer. IMMEDIATELY! Start to move money into your own account. If you don’t want them raiding your home, get a locksmith to change the locks on the doors. Let him know that, if he intends to come to your home, he needs to notify you. Set up a time for children to spend with him. In other words, formalize your separation. The downside is, he will become angry. His is why you need to get a lawyer.
It may feel counterintuitive when you’re grieving your relationship, but the way forward is through.
Talk to a lawyer, get things sorted out. Formal parenting agreement and child support. You don’t have to wait for the divorce to go through for these things.
Time for his honeymoon to end, lol.
It sounds like an incredibly complex situation that’s hard to judge from the outside. Have you looked for a mediator or even lawyer to make sure everyone is paying their share – both terms of money as well as effort?
Wrong sub
Go to court to organise custody arrangements, who gets the kids when and how often. E.g. they live with mum but dad gets them every second weekend.
Whatever arrangement you come up with, it is court mandated, so they won’t be able to just say ‘No, we’re not having the kids.’ You can then arrange your social life for when the kids aren’t scheduled to be with you.
NTA
Please schedule time where you are responsible for the kids and when he is responsible. He is their father, he should be parenting 50% of the time.
NTA
If I were you I would find a good lawyer, get together everything that he’s doing how much he’s helping financially and gave those documents to the lawyer
Also ask for full custody and alimony for the kids.
He’s not going to change once you moved out, I’m a daughter of no father (he does exist but never really want to have anything with my life)
Sorry I feel like I’ve left info out that I should have provided. I didn’t want to overshare and complicate this.
The house has sold and in a matter of weeks we will be in our own property. The divorce is finalised.
My main question is he is repeatedly telling me how respectful of me they have been and I don’t agree they have.
I am trying to come to an arrangement with him over when we live separately although having difficulties due to her interferences.
P.s I have attempted to see if I can move this to relationships, please forgive me I’m not a frequent poster and I didn’t realise it would be better placed there. Although it is a situation linked to a relationship I thought because my question was about if I was wrong to feel disrespected that maybe this was the right category. I am sorry I got this wrong.
Don’t let him in the house. Change the locks.
Go to court. Get custody and payment arrangements set. Stop being so passive.
Get a good lawyer. Take him to the cleaners, he is an adulterer. He is extremely disrespectful. Just be glad you will soon be rid of him.
NTA
He cheated…he disrespected you. He couldn’t solve one problem before moving on to the next.
They don’t get to tell you how they make you feel. Your feelings are your feelings. No one else can tell you how or what to feel.
Gather and keep all your records of what you spend NOW. The way he is acting is shameful towards you and your children.
Get a shark of a lawyer.