For some background, we didn’t know that my father was sick. He had been having some gas issues and his doctor put him on new medication so my family just assumed that was why he was having stomach aches. One day out of the blue my dad was having a really bad stomach ache so we rushed him to urgent care. We thought that they would just give him so gas medicine and that he would come home with us. He never came out of the hospital
The doctors tried giving him surgery but it was unsuccessful. We found out he had cancer all over his body and he was hooked up to about 12-14 machines trying to keep him alive. My mother stayed with him and we decided to take him off the machines because the doctors said he was too far gone to save anymore. That he was in pain being alive.
After he passed away I transferred colleges and started my first semester. I met a girl who i thought was my friend and when she asked about my family it came out that my dad passed away. She immediately asks what happened and the first thing that comes out of her mouth after I tell her what happened is “wow, you don’t even seem sad.” And “if I ever lost my dad I don’t know what I’d do” She also starts asking me about the details of my dad’s death.
specifically about the part of us having to let him go and says this “don’t you think you could have saved him? It feels like you just gave up on him.” And “he probably could have woken up if you gave him time” LIKE WHAT??? I even told her that the doctors said that all his organs shut down and she still insisted my family was heartless to take him off the machines and we could have saved him.
If there was any way to bring back my father I’d do it in a heartbeat. I miss him and think about him everyday. The fact she accused me of first “not caring” and then saying that he could have been saved was absolutely baffling.
Here’s where I might be the asshole I was completely appalled and I haven’t spoken to her since. She keeps asking me to go out to parties with her and I keep dodging her. I feel like a complete asshole avoiding her and I think she’s getting upset I keep dodging her.
So Reddit, AITA?
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For some background, we didn’t know that my father was sick. He had been having some gas issues and his doctor put him on new medication so my family just assumed that was why he was having stomach aches. One day out of the blue my dad was having a really bad stomach ache so we rushed him to urgent care. We thought that they would just give him so gas medicine and that he would come home with us. He never came out of the hospital
The doctors tried giving him surgery but it was unsuccessful. We found out he had cancer all over his body and he was hooked up to about 12-14 machines trying to keep him alive. My mother stayed with him and we decided to take him off the machines because the doctors said he was too far gone to save anymore. That he was in pain being alive.
After he passed away I transferred colleges and started my first semester. I met a girl who i thought was my friend and when she asked about my family it came out that my dad passed away. She immediately asks what happened and the first thing that comes out of her mouth after I tell her what happened is “wow, you don’t even seem sad.” And “if I ever lost my dad I don’t know what I’d do” She also starts asking me about the details of my dad’s death.
specifically about the part of us having to let him go and says this “don’t you think you could have saved him? It feels like you just gave up on him.” And “he probably could have woken up if you gave him time” LIKE WHAT??? I even told her that the doctors said that all his organs shut down and she still insisted my family was heartless to take him off the machines and we could have saved him.
If there was any way to bring back my father I’d do it in a heartbeat. I miss him and think about him everyday. The fact she accused me of first “not caring” and then saying that he could have been saved was absolutely baffling.
Here’s where I might be the asshole I was completely appalled and I haven’t spoken to her since. She keeps asking me to go out to parties with her and I keep dodging her. I feel like a complete asshole avoiding her and I think she’s getting upset I keep dodging her.
So Reddit, AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like an asshole because I’ve been dodging her ever since the interaction and she’s been getting upset I won’t go out with her.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
This has to be fake. No one would say all that.
NTA, but in a way I can see where she’s coming from because she’s still alive and she’s brain dead. I’m very sorry for your loss.
NTA though how the hell did you not slap the taste our of her mouth? Like, that’s the kind of shit that would get you asked kicked. She must be stupid, stupid.
You still call her a friend..?
NTA
That’s not a friend. That’s a self-centered twit who has no idea what it’s like to lose a loved one, to say nothing of the wrenching complexity of end-of-life decisions.
Find other friends, because that person is not good friend material. It’s not just about your dad, because that insensitive, clueless attitude will apply to your relationship, too.
Your friend seems very immature and like she has no experience with life. I would take this as a wake up call that she is super ignorant and it wouldn’t hurt to take some distance
NTA – she’s trying to act like grieve police with you. No one has the right to tell another person how to grieve. I honestly understand you dodging her. I would too.
NTA
Hard pass on any human that can say that to another, especially while they are grieving.
wtf. No, never speak to her again. NTA
You’re definitely NTA.
NTA. If this is real, then speak up and let her know exactly why you are avoiding her so that she is made aware of her rude and ignorant behavior and hopefully learns from it for the future (doubtful). She is speaking out of her ass and is as thick as pig sh*t.
Just tell her. She’ll probably be defensive but that’s not your problem, you can block her after. And she’ll start avoiding you.
People don’t learn to not be horrible assholes if no one calls them out on it.
NTA but talk to her instead of ghosting.
NTA, I’d try telling her you don’t think you can be friends with her because what she said was inappropriate and very hurtful, and you keep the details of his death to yourself. She doesn’t need a play by play of the situation and advice from doctors. Keep it simple, and if she argues with you, just block her dude. If she apologizes, maybe this is a learning opportunity for her.
You don’t owe her an explanation, but I’ve been ghosted by a friend with no explanation, and it was really confusing and hurtful. If I’d done something wrong, I would have liked the opportunity to apologize and try to make amends. I can’t fathom what I might have done wrong, and I combed through messages and interactions to figure out what happened.
I also lost my dad in a similar way 3 years ago, and it was brutal. If it comes up in conversation, I can compartmentalize and talk about it, but I’m still very much hurting from his passing.
Be honest and tell her why you are avoiding her
Not your friend.
NTA bit stop dodging her and just tell her you don’t want to be her friend. “Look, I don’t want to go out and do stuff with you ok? What you said about my dad was insensitive to say the least and I don’t have time or energy to deal with it. I don’t want to be your friend.”
No room for discussion. Just say something along those lines and be done. Don’t answer questions, don’t argue, don’t create drama. Just tell her how it is and leave. if people come to you asking or bitching about it just say “She said some heartless things about my dad and I don’t want to deal with her.”
You don’t owe anyone anymore explanation than that. Anything more than that just feeds the drama machine.
NTA -Ghost them now.
Uhm. Be an adult and shut her off. You can tell her “what you said back then was very unkind and unwelcome, so don’t contact me again.”
NTA. holy shit avoid her at all costs
NtA.
Sorry I don’t want to go to parties with you, I don’t associate with people who make judgements on horrendous moments in my family life when they weren’t there and don’t know us. I’m happy to nod at each other in the corridor. Bye.
NTA.
This is barely a human being and certainly not a friend. Don’t waste another second thinking about this girl. She has no idea what she’s talking about and will be fortunate if she never does.
Your father was in pain, had no chance of surviving, and you and your mom did the hardest and most loving and compassionate thing you could do. You let him go. You ended his suffering and left him his dignity. To have done otherwise would have been nothing but selfishness and cruelty.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
NTA.
And this person is most certainly not your “friend.”
NTA – too much so. Can’t imagine any jury would find it unjust if you slapped the shit out of her. I don’t recommend testing it…but the point is that ghosting is kinder than she deserves.
NTA, that girl is not your friend. Friends don’t say shit like that. I’d tell her why you don’t want to spend time with her instead of ghosting her so maybe she stops being an ass but I do think ghosting is valid if you just don’t have the bandwidth to deal with her right now. I’m so so sorry for your loss and I really hope you don’t pay her any mind, she doesn’t know what she’s talking about.
Used to be, if a mfer said some absolutely wild shit like that to your face, you’d deck them there and then. If she had said anything like that in her life up to college, I’d expect such a reaction, and the only explanation I can see is that no one has told her that certain shit is fuckrd up to say.
NTA, OP, that girl is seriously fucked up in the head.
My mother died when I was 22. My then-boyfriend yelled at me for not crying at the funeral because it was”made [him] look stupid”. I’ve also been told by two separate people over the years that I wouldn’t be a good mum because mine has died. People at those ages mostly haven’t experienced a massive loss like loss of a parent yet, and they’re curious- but some are dumb and insensitive and blatantly trying to hurt you and cutting them off is the best way to deal with them so that you don’t have their energy in your life.