I tried online dating a while ago and started talking to this guy. We hit it off immediately and were having really good conversations. At one point he started disappearing. First it was every 1-2 days but then it became 2-3 or more days at a time. At first I paid no mind to it because we were just a tinder thing I didn’t expect him to text back all day every day, I guess it’s normal. Right when I thought he’d ghosted me or lost interest he’d pop up again and ask about my day. At first I’d reply, we’d talk for a bit and then he’d disappear mid-conversation again. This continued for a while and I admit I’d started to lose interest. One day he mentioned he was sorry for disappearing like this but he had having a rough time with BPD and depressive thoughts so I decided to give him space and reassured him I was there if he ever needed to talk to someone and not to worry because I have friends with BPD and I know how hard it can be.
Things seemed okay for a while. He’d still disappear but one day he proposed a meeting so we could clear the air between us. I texted him times and places to see which would be better for us, especially for me since I’m moving with public transport and he owns a car. We finally agreed on a day and he said he’d check his work schedule and get back to me to arrange the hour. That day I woke up, took a shower, styled my hair, picked my clothes and waited for a text that never came. I ended up going out with my best friend instead. He finally texted at 12.30 am that his phone was dead all day that’s why he never texted. I ignored the message but the next day he texted again, saying he was sorry and if I could just “please talk to him”. I explained how I felt and his apology felt sincere, so I accepted it and we continued talking. It didn’t strike me as weird when he disappeared again mid-conversation. Next time he showed up, roughly 4 days later, he suggested we call. We schedule an hour, I text him when I’m ready and it’s dead silence. After that we were on and off on texting since he couldn’t keep a conversation without disappearing so I went on with my life. More than a week later he appeared and said he’d like to “speed up” our meeting which stroke as weird because he was the one delaying it in the first place. I thought about blocking him but didn’t wanna be cruel so I was honest and told him this was it for me. He was SHOCKED. He said he liked me a lot but he guesses “it’s not mutual” and tried gaslighting me with comments such as “all I asked for was for you to be understanding” and “I already told you I’m struggling”. Again, I know BPD is hard, I’ve seen it and I’ve been through some pretty dark phases myself but I never acted like this with anyone and nobody treated me this way using their condition as an excuse.
I feel good that I stood up for myself but I can’t help but think if I was too harsh and I should have been more understanding and given him one more chance. So AITA?
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I tried online dating a while ago and started talking to this guy. We hit it off immediately and were having really good conversations. At one point he started disappearing. First it was every 1-2 days but then it became 2-3 or more days at a time. At first I paid no mind to it because we were just a tinder thing I didn’t expect him to text back all day every day, I guess it’s normal. Right when I thought he’d ghosted me or lost interest he’d pop up again and ask about my day. At first I’d reply, we’d talk for a bit and then he’d disappear mid-conversation again. This continued for a while and I admit I’d started to lose interest. One day he mentioned he was sorry for disappearing like this but he had having a rough time with BPD and depressive thoughts so I decided to give him space and reassured him I was there if he ever needed to talk to someone and not to worry because I have friends with BPD and I know how hard it can be.
Things seemed okay for a while. He’d still disappear but one day he proposed a meeting so we could clear the air between us. I texted him times and places to see which would be better for us, especially for me since I’m moving with public transport and he owns a car. We finally agreed on a day and he said he’d check his work schedule and get back to me to arrange the hour. That day I woke up, took a shower, styled my hair, picked my clothes and waited for a text that never came. I ended up going out with my best friend instead. He finally texted at 12.30 am that his phone was dead all day that’s why he never texted. I ignored the message but the next day he texted again, saying he was sorry and if I could just “please talk to him”. I explained how I felt and his apology felt sincere, so I accepted it and we continued talking. It didn’t strike me as weird when he disappeared again mid-conversation. Next time he showed up, roughly 4 days later, he suggested we call. We schedule an hour, I text him when I’m ready and it’s dead silence. After that we were on and off on texting since he couldn’t keep a conversation without disappearing so I went on with my life. More than a week later he appeared and said he’d like to “speed up” our meeting which stroke as weird because he was the one delaying it in the first place. I thought about blocking him but didn’t wanna be cruel so I was honest and told him this was it for me. He was SHOCKED. He said he liked me a lot but he guesses “it’s not mutual” and tried gaslighting me with comments such as “all I asked for was for you to be understanding” and “I already told you I’m struggling”. Again, I know BPD is hard, I’ve seen it and I’ve been through some pretty dark phases myself but I never acted like this with anyone and nobody treated me this way using their condition as an excuse.
I feel good that I stood up for myself but I can’t help but think if I was too harsh and I should have been more understanding and given him one more chance. So AITA?
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> AITA for not accepting to go on a date with a guy that repeatedly ignored me and stood me up?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
You were patient, understanding, and communicated your feelings clearly. He repeatedly disrespected your time and effort, and using his struggles as an excuse doesn’t make it okay. Setting boundaries isn’t harsh — it’s healthy. You did the right thing.
Nta
You can understand and have sympathy for him and his shit, without wanting to be romantically involved. The start of a relationship is when people put their best foot forward. It’d only get worse from here
You’re right at the beginning of getting to know each other and this is the effort he’s putting in, which means it’ll likely die off even more as time progresses. Do you really want to give him more chances knowing that?
NTA.
NTA. He’s got it fixed so you’re only running on his time, and your time is irrelevant to him. Then he’s trying to make you feel like the bad guy when you rightfully get upset.
His phone was dead all day? You can get chargers at any convenience store for like $6 and that’s assuming that no one in his life has a similar phone or product with a charger he could use. (And he only has one charger? Possible but weird)
He’s a liar. He should have at least come up with a better excuse. Here’s a freebie: my phone fell in the toilet. But even that one is hard pressed since many are waterproof now
Anyways, don’t waste your time worrying about his hurt feelings because he never worried about your feelings being hurt
If he was truly sorry that his condition was inhibiting him to make contact he wouldn’t be so offended that impacted you. It’s all about him. He can feel all those things in his own time and learn to respond and respect others to move forward. You were more than patient NTA
Coming from an decently attractive woman who has loads of dating experience, Leave him it usually means he’s playing u
NTA. You put in a lot more effort that many (including myself) would have. Call it a day and don’t feel bad that it isn’t the relationship you want
NTA. He’s still interested; so what? You’re not.
NTA you’ve wasted what – weeks? with this guy. Why waste any more of your life. If he’s going to use his BDP as an excuse to treat you badly then expect to be forgiven without making any changes, then he’s going to be a terrible partner.
NTA
He’s string you along, contacting and conversing when it’s convenient for him. This disrespectful behavior will worsen as he gets more comfortable treating you this way.
Block and move on.
Bpd may stop you from going out but not from at least texting “sorry, not today”.
NTA
This guy IS NOT single. That’s why he stopped chatting suddenly – his live in wife/GF had her eye on him. Drop him.
Sounds like he’s been breadcrumbing you. NTA – block him.