My dad[ 48M] and I[15F] have this really weird and bad relationship. For context my parents( they’re both asian) expect a lot of me with my grades and my life in general. I have good grades( mostly A’s)
It feels like every time I talk to my dad all he does is ask how are your grades and tell me you need to work harder. It feels like every time I talk to him he just lectures me. It feels like my best is never enough. I can’t remember the last time he wanted to actually get to know me and even ask how my day was. I have tried to talk to him about it but he doesn’t really listen.
This leads me to what happened today. Schools starting and he was giving me another lecture about how I will get nowhere in life unless I work hard and his idea of working hard is getting up at 5am and studying for 16 hours. Anyways so I think I was finally at my wits end and blew up at him. I yelled at him a lot and i don’t feel bad about it. Am I the asshole for yelling at my dad when I know he’s just trying to help me.
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My dad and I have this really weird and bad relationship. For context my parents expect a lot of me with my grades and my life in general.
It feels like every time I talk to my dad all he does is ask how are your grades and tell me you need to work harder. It feels like every time I talk to him he just lectures me. I can’t remeber the last time he wanted to actually get to know me and even ask how my day was.
This leads me to what happened today. Schools starting and he was giving me another lecture about how I will get nowhere in life unless I work hard and his idea of working hard is getting up at 5am and studying for 16 hours. Anyways so I think I was finally at my wits end and blew up at him. I yelled at him a lot and i don’t feel bad about it. Am I the asshole for yelling at my dad when I know he’s just trying to help me.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I yelled at my dad for lecturing me and I didn’t feel bad about it. This makes me feel like an asshole cause I know he’s just trying to help me
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
INFO: Age?
Some fathers do a lot worse than criticize/look out for your best interest. You will appreciate him later on, but saying you hate him is insane. If you do have good grades and a strong social life, you could have articulated that without having a temper tantrum. If you don’t have good grades, and this is the reason he continuously brings it up, then look in a mirror.
That sounds defeating, but it also sounds like maybe your dad is having a hard time knowing how to relate to you, and is possibly defaulting to how he was parented.
Maybe ask your dad if you can go for lunch or get ice cream together and make a rule to talk about anything except grades. Make a plan to ask him about his childhood or his life, and have some things to share about your life that you think he can understand.
Or ask him to participate in something with you. “Hey dad, I saw this cool exhibit/workshop/event that I would love to go to, do you want to come with me?” Give him that in into your life on neutral ground, and give he two of you something to talk about. It may help him see you as more than just a student.
Alternatively, talk to your mom about how you’re feeling and ask her perspective of why your dad only focuses on lectures. She probably has background knowledge on him that can help.
I know that I am putting the burden of building the beginning of the relationship on you. But you’re the one that has recognized the problem first.
I lost my mom when I was twenty, and I wish I had had more time to build a relationship with her. I felt like I didn’t have much time to get out of the “they don’t understand me” phase of life, and it makes me sad and I want you to be able to have that relationship.
YTA
yelling at someone you know is trying to help is an asshole move. next time try “dad, i know you’re trying to help, i can’t hear a lecture right now, please get the fuck out of my room and i’ll do (whatever) ” 😋
nta everyone runs on a fuse, you just hit the end of it.
Was your dad born in the “old” country or in the us? Asian parents have a familial expectation that doing well as kids will directly manifest itself in adulthood. They have pride in their offspring but they can’t go to school for you so it is up to you to do the work and continue the family honor in adulthood. School is your “job” at your young age. I say tough out the next three years, do well, and find a college that offers a major in something you enjoy – not just a Mrs degree.
NTA
I’m Asian, and I totally get it too
It’s ok. Know this. Your father doesn’t know any better. Genuinely. You don’t have to do this but consider getting to know your father. He doesn’t know how to get to know you and he probably never will. You’re dealing with someone who is intellectually limited in this way. Ask him about HIM. About his life. Ask about his father. His mother. His childhood. The reason I say this is that it may help you heal the trauma he is causing you. Understanding him for the stunted limited human who is doing what he knows can help you heal. You’re being denied love and care and guidance. At some point seeing him for what and who he is and why he’s like this may help. Get him talking? If this isn’t possible I apologize for bad advice.
Pushing too hard can break more than it builds
NTA. In his mind, he’s anxious to see your life come out good, but in reality, he’s pushing you beyond your limit. You’re not wrong for feeling anxious and frustrated over this. I think you need to have a talk with your dad about why you blew up and how his words are making you feel.
That’s not helping you. He isn’t raising you. He’s not teaching you anything. He’s expecting teachers and tutors and books to teach you and for you to teach yourself. That’s not parenting and not being a father. He’s a failure. You’re doing your best working with what little developmental tools you’ve been given. There is SO MUCH more to life than studying, good grades and success on paper. This type of pressure leads to many young people being overwhelmed and self harming or worse. There’s so much more he should be worrying about and teaching you as a parent and he’s only focused on the one dimension. It’s pathetic for him.
This is more commonly known as being a teenager
NTA, but also not an ideal way to communicate. You can always apologize for yelling at him and share with him what you shared on here. The fact that posted this shows self-awareness, which is a quality a lot of people lack. Great job.
Sometimes parents do their best with what they know. Maybe for your dad good grades equals good life and he wants that for you so he puts pressure to ensure you have a good future the best way he knows how.
On the emotional side, maybe he is a bit underdeveloped. Not an excuse, but more so for you to see how even parents still need to work on themselves.
As someone who grew up with high expectations, please remember that school and your career are only small parts of life and don’t define you or your worth.
You don’t have to burn out over school, but keep up the good work.
NTA although you should apologize and try to keep your emotions in check, it’d just a good skill to practice overall for life.
Seems like you’re experiencing a gen x dad tiger parenting you. That must be so tough, and I feel for you, especially since your grades are already so awesome and you’re already a good kid by going to school, staying off drugs and not getting pregnant, etc.
The best advice I have is to appease and also try to teach your dad with patience. You may not realize at your young age, but your dad is just a regular guy going through life for the first time just like you and will continue to make mistakes. Having kids can be a real eye opener for parents full of many lessons.
So try to appease him by agreeing with him – yes, dad, you’re right, working hard is important, and I will do it. I will try my best, and I want you to be proud of me for my efforts. Then try to redirect convos by requesting stories from his childhood or work or his day or ask him questions what your favourite food movie or show him a project your working on or ask him for input on something. Basically, try to control the conversations and ask him the things you want him to ask you. Be prepared for disappointment, but I think over time, he may cherish your attention and be grateful for it. And maybe realize you need his attention and acknowledgment too.
Also, keep in mind he’ll never understand your experience as a female and a teenager growing up in the West in 2025. Come to terms with that and keep the peace. Not sure if my advice is good really but seems right.