My brother’s wife recently gave birth, my husband (36 M) and I (35 F) are planning to visit to meet the new baby. We live a about 40 min away from my brother’s house so we have to plan a bit for a trip.
I suggested to my husband that we should bring or provide dinner for my brother and his wife as part of our visit so that they don’t have to worry about that for that night/ if we stay long we aren’t making them have to feed us.
Here’s the problem, my husband feels like we can bring food and all but it should NOT be dinner and we should leave before dinner time. This would greatly reduce the length of our visit as we would be arriving in the afternoon already.
My husband argued it would be rude to bring the food AND eat with them. That it is an imposition and a burden.
AITA if I don’t agree with this and think my brother and his wife and other kids would enjoy us bringing dinner and staying for dinner? We would be doing the serving and dish washing afterwards. I’m so confused how this would be “rude”
(As a side note my husband is nuero divergent, I don’t know if that explains anything.)
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My brother’s wife recently gave birth, my husband (36 M) and I (35 F) are planning to visit to meet the new baby. We live a about 40 min away from my brother’s house so we have to plan a bit for a trip.
I suggested to my husband that we should bring or provide dinner for my brother and his wife as part of our visit so that they don’t have to worry about that for that night/ if we stay long we aren’t making them have to feed us.
Here’s the problem, my husband feels like we can bring food and all but it should NOT be dinner and we should leave before dinner time. This would greatly reduce the length of our visit as we would be arriving in the afternoon already.
My husband argued it would be rude to bring the food AND eat with them. That it is an imposition and a burden.
AITA if I don’t agree with this and think my brother and his wife and other kids would enjoy us bringing dinner and staying for dinner? We would be doing the serving and dish washing afterwards. I’m so confused how this would be “rude”
(As a side note my husband is nuero divergent, I don’t know if that explains anything.)
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I want to bring dinner with a visit to my post partum sister, my husband believes we should not stay because it is rude
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Why not just ask your brother and SIL if they want privacy or are looking forward to talking with other adults?
YWBTA if you stay more than a couple of hours max. Bring them dinner and leave before dinner. They are tired and do not need to worry about entertaining you, even if you plan to help out by washing up. If they want you to stay, they will invite you to.
NAH I think you’re right, bringing a whole meal would be a nice thing to do. I can see your husband’s pov too and you’re both just trying to be nice and helpful. Best thing to do? Ask them! “Hey we’d like to bring dinner for your gang and us and we can eat together, and you don’t have to worry about making a meal! Are you guys down for that or would it be putting too much on your plate (pun intended)?”
NTA i’m neurodivergent and his position does not make any kind of sense. as someone who has given birth, i would have LOVED if a visitor brought dinner to eat with us.
NTA just make plans with them
Bring dinner, but ask if they want you to stay or not. And don’t be hurt if they say No. It is wonderful of you to bring the food, as we all know parents if a new baby are overwhelmed.
How recently did she give birth? At minimum I do think you should talk to your brother about this beforehand. Bringing food is great, because they’re probably exhausted, but they may not be up for a long visit that includes a meal.
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Bringing dinner when you visit family to see a new baby is a thoughtful gesture and is common. Bring enough that they have leftovers.
I agree with your husband. A short meet and greet with the new baby and a catch up chat, drop your food offerings that will make their lives a little easier, but scram before needing to be fed.
You are an imposition. Likely, the family needs time for themselves, but they don’t want to be rude and ice out family. Quick visits with a newborn is great. Long visits with someone rummaging around in your kitchen and having to converse and entertain for many hours is exhausting.
Bring a few easy to reheat dishes. If they invite you to eat wirh them decide then.
I would bring dinner and state that you are not staying because you understand the value of time as a new family and don’t want to overstay your welcome.
This gives them the opportunity to have dinner alone without guilt or to ask you to stay if that’s your preference.
NTA – you would have been very welcome in my house! People who brought food (especially previously foods I love and hadn’t been allowed for 9 months – shellfish/cheese/alcohol) were the most welcome. Your SiL might not been keen on having you over for more than an hour or so too depending on how recently she gave birth. People are overwhelming and babies are an exhausting addition. Another option is meals for their freezer so they can heat them up without too much effort and bring cake for the afternoon. Doing the dishes after any food would also earn you brownie points in my book!
Why don’t you just ask your sister in law or brother what they’d prefer?
I’m sure you preparing or buying a meal for them would be gratefully received and a huge help. Entertaining guests (ie you and hubby), looking after a new baby, and the children they already have, along with tidying the house ready for visitors etc etc etc could be exhausting for them if you end up staying all afternoon and evening, so your husband could have a valid point. But this is all guess work, so just ask!
What time is “coming in the afternoon”? To me that could range from 1 – 4pm and depending on when you arrive colors my opinion. Overall I’d say that unless you’re coming to clean or take the older kids to a park or something then I’d stay no more than an hour and bring dinner that is enough for leftovers.
NTA. It’s kind of you to bring food. Whether you stay to eat it or not, I guess read the room? Or ask what they would prefer?
Honestly, wtf does he know? Bringing food to a couple who had just had a baby is a very thoughtful thing to do.
I suggest making plans with your brother and his wife before you go. Tell them about what you have in mind and ask them if they think that having you and your husband through dinnertime would be too much to take on right now. It’s possible that it would be or, on the other hand, they may love the idea of having you there for that length of time, especially if you’re providing dinner.
Try reaching out to the husband or wife and saying you’d love to bring dinner for them if they’d like it. Then you have your answer.
Also, if you can bring it in disposable containers and just leave them there. Freezable is a plus.
I mean just bring the food, don’t attach any baggage to it such as saying it’s “dinner,” and then see how things play out once you’re there.
Maybe a solid compromise would be to bring a casserole that can be frozen for them. My sister made a couple for me and it greatly helped. You can also emphasize that it’s just for them to enjoy so they can have ease during this time. It’s a kind and thoughtful gesture on your part.
Is the baby less than one month old? If so you should show up (with permission of course) with food that can easily be reheated or with a doordash gift card. Ask them if they could use help with anything (laundry, vacuuming, holding the baby while mom showers etc.). Stay no more than an hour unless they keep giving you more things to do.
I get that youre trying to help but dinner guests can be an imposition even if they bring food. NAH though you’re both just trying to do the right thing.
NAH
Bring the dinner then ask what they prefer! You may know your friends and family better but he may know his brother better. Some people love visiting and others hate it.
Ask!!
Many new moms would love for you to fill her fridge or freezer, maybe fold a load of laundry, or clean something. Others would hate it. Ask!
NAH. Ask your brother what they’d prefer ahead of time. Tell him you’re bringing them dinner either way, but if they’re comfortable with you staying for that long. Everyone’s different. I was more than happy to have my close family for dinner postpartum. But I know some people would rather have a short visit. Either option is fine, just make it very clear to your brother that he and SIL have an out if they don’t want you to stay that long.
NAH: check in with your brother and see what will help them at this point of the baby’s life. They may have a freezer full of helping casseroles, they may want some adult conversation, they may just need a nap and a box of diapers. See what *they* need and do that during your visit.
NAH
You’re heart is in the right place you want to visit and are also being thoughtful about taking food for them (and possibly you as well).
His heart is also in the right place because if you’re getting there in the afternoon (12, 1, or 2) then staying till dinner time (5, 6, or 7) could be considering a kinda long visit and seen as rude. They are tired, have the new baby and may not want to entertain for 3-6 hours depending on the length of the visit.
Just reach out and ask, you never know.
You know how your brother will react better than your husband does
NAH. This is so dependent on the person and will vary by your relationship. Absolutely bring food. Whether you stay for the meal is the part that could vary. Since they have other kids, and if you are close with them, it would be awesome for you to handle dinner and help out with bedtime for the other kids. I have 3 kids and the two older ones were the ones I needed help with when our third came along.
Your husband is right. Unless you ask what they would like to do and they say different, the default would be that’s it’s not helpful to come visit new parents and expect to stay for dinner. Helpful would be bringing food that they can stick in the fridge and reheat later OR decide themselves whether they want to invite you to stay. But to assume on your own is not good. No one is an asshole but to indicate that I agree with him, YTA
When my wife and I had our kids, we had a stream of people / family in the house: Only one bothered asking what we wanted.
Reach out to B / SIL and fit in round them: They may be happy for the whole day or that may want only minimal contact.
Only they know, give them the chance to say!
NAH. I suggest reaching out to youe brother and asking if you can bring dinner or what the best time to visit is
YTA. Your husband isn’t wrong that inviting yourself to stay for dinner even if you provide said dinner to a family with a fresh baby is rude. You should absolutely bring dinner but inviting yourself to stay is overstaying your welcome unless you have explicitly been invited before you bring dinner. Just don’t impose on people where they need to make their home a comfortable place to dine with guests when they have a fresh baby. Its overwhelming.
NTA. Talk to your brother like others suggested to plan what works best for them, but also bring a couple freezer meals.
Your sister in law is the one to decide this. She’s the one recovering, she’s the one most sleep deprived, she’s the one most hungry. Call and ask.
ESH for making this into a thing when there’s no reason at all. Literally just ask your SIL and her husband their preference. It’s simple, basic communication. Why are two adults arguing over what another couple would want instead of just asking the couple? When I was newly post partum I 100% would’ve been with your husband on this one most days. Some days however I wouldn’t have minded what you propose. There’s no way of knowing what THEY want unless you ask.
It’s not rude at all – ask your sister, I’m sure she would welcome it. I wouldn’t stay for dinner though. The new baby’s sleep schedule will be all over the place and with recovery plus everything being so new, I remember late afternoon/evenings as exhausting. Perhaps visit from 1-3p and head home.
40 minutes isn’t long. Seriously, ask what time is good to visit, and ask how long is enough time to stay. Be kind, and make it on the time they’d like.
Everyone is different. Let the new parents make the call. But no matter what, don’t plan to stay longer than 2 hours, and don’t bring anything that causes the new parents to have to do anything to wait on you or serve you.
Nah
ESH because you’re both assuming you know what your sister would want instead of asking her. She may love the idea of company. Or she may be exhausted and not up to having you there more than an hour or so, so you should leave before dinner.
Talk to your sister. You know, the one who just had a baby and that you ostensibly are trying to support.
It entirely depends on the dynamics of your family. For some families it would be rude, for others it would be rude not to. But you SiL should come first, so check in with her or your brother either way. NAH
YTA
your husband is right. Don’T stay that long.
NTA, but why not just call them up and ask?
They’ll tell you what they need and if they don’t, that’s okay too! Just show up and celebrate with them.
Call your brother and ask what they would prefer.
Drop the food off, meet the baby, sweep the floor and please move on before it’s dinnertime.
Long visits were very much not welcome when I was postpartum.
NAH
Ask them
Ask your SIL what SHE wants. That’s the only thing that matters. Tell her your plan – ask if it’s ok.
Why don’t you just ask your brother and his wife if they’d appreciate you bringing dinner or if they’d rather you not?
NTA since you haven’t actually done anything yet. To keep not being the AH, why you pop off Reddit for a minute and ask the new parents what they would prefer?
You should not expect your SIL to be up for socializing when she’s literally just given birth. She will be tired and in pain. Even if you’re bringing the meal and cleaning up afterwards, you’re still expecting her to get out of bed and socialize with all of you. You should go with your husband’s idea; he’s being considerate.
I would definitely turn up with enough food for everyone, but also anticipate that the new mother may find too many people overwhelming. If the vibes suggest leaving early, leave.
NAH. I think this is a communication issue. After both my kids were born we had several family members and friends who brought meals that we could heat up. Most of these visits were done well before dinner time so the guests left before eating and that was appreciated as we navigated life with one baby, then with a baby and a 4 year old. But, if someone wanted to eat dinner with us they just talked to us and asked about when to visit and we told them the time and worked it out.
Your husband is right that just assuming they want you to stay over for dinner is a leap of logic, and should be clarified before the visit. You are right that bringing a meal is super helpful and convenient for new parents.
Here’s a thought – why don’t you ask what they want?
NAH. I like your husband is concerned it be too much so if you asked like you said you did and she’s good with it I don’t get what you are posting about. Do it. She wants you to come and bring food.