It was our first date & we were walking near a river. Super cute super romantic anyway bc we’re next to the river it’s obviously windy & his fringe (which he had styled to look like a hair line) kept flipping up & revealing his real hairline below. So he keeps fixing it & holding down so often that he began commenting how annoying it is & say ‘relatable’ & we laugh it off. But he kept commenting on it & opening up about thinking of going turkey to get a hair transplant so I say ‘tbh I personally don’t think u need to, ur handsome with a beard, u can deffo get away with going bald. Honestly, u’d probably look better bald’ literally verbatim that’s what I said. Wtf is wrong with that? When I tell u his whole vibe changed, started saying something like ‘no ur lying & no one finds men losing their hairlines in their 20s attractive. Females always encourage the things they don’t really go for like dad bods & shit. I didn’t expect u to be one of those’ so I’m in literal shock. Obviously I’ve paraphrased it but he was speaking & stuttering for a whole 2 mins. Anyway I sit there in silence for awhile just gathering my words bc I genuinely thought I said something positive & now idk what’s safe to say. After a min or 2 of silence he goes ‘should we go?’ I said ‘yh sure’ then he paid & we went our separate ways. No hug, just a smile, wave & get home safe.
So am I the asshole? Did I attempt to boost his confidence in the completely wrong way? I clearly knew he was insecure, should I have encouraged the transplant instead?
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It was our first date & we were walking near a river. Super cute super romantic anyway bc we’re next to the river it’s obviously windy & his fringe (which he had styled to look like a hair line) kept flipping up & revealing his real hairline below. So he keeps fixing it & holding down so often that he began commenting how annoying it is & say ‘relatable’ & we laugh it off. But he kept commenting on it & opening up about thinking of going turkey to get a hair transplant so I say ‘tbh I personally don’t think u need to, ur handsome with a beard, u can deffo get away with going bald. Honestly, u’d probably look better bald’ literally verbatim that’s what I said. Wtf is wrong with that? When I tell u his whole vibe changed, started saying something like ‘no ur lying & no one finds men losing their hairlines in their 20s attractive. Females always encourage the things they don’t really go for like dad bods & shit. I didn’t expect u to be one of those’ so I’m in literal shock. Obviously I’ve paraphrased it but he was speaking & stuttering for a whole 2 mins. Anyway I sit there in silence for awhile just gathering my words bc I genuinely thought I said something positive & now idk what’s safe to say. After a min or 2 of silence he goes ‘should we go?’ I said ‘yh sure’ then he paid & we went our separate ways. No hug, just a s
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> I said you would look better bald to a man insecure about his hairline, that may have been insensitive of me
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
My bf is bald, with a beard, and a dad bod in his late 20’s. And I find him to be the most attractive human ever. So NTA
ESH
It’s a first date. You were pretty rude to tell him how he could look better. You could have stopped right at “you’d actually look really good bald!” if you had felt the need to comment at all.
He also sucks for making everything about his insecurities and putting you in an awkward position when you barely even know him.
Nta
Stay away from this loser
You dodged a bullet. He sounds like an incel. He basically called you a liar and generalized that to almost all other women too. I dated a dude who thought that way about women, and he wouldn’t even believe me when I broke up with him. I had to find a way to claim that he actually broke up with me to get him to accept it. NTA
How would you react if someone suggested you change your appearance on a first date? ESH
I personally don’t find that comment particularly bad (so NTA) BUT…
Losing your hair can be incredibly traumatic. I always put it like this to women- imagine YOU are losing YOUR hair!!! How would YOU feel???
Most likely ABSOLUTELY DEVASTATED… it’s not much different for us!!! Can some handsome men really pull off a bald look? Yes, and can a very beautiful woman ALSO pull off being bald? Also yes! Do average people look as good bald as they do with hair? Nope
YTA.
ESH. I think you’re comment was nice until you said “youd look better bald”. Its just generally not something people enjoy hearing that they would look better if they did something different with their appearance than they want/plan to do. He probably isn’t ready to accept being bald already or just really has no interest in it. But i also understand feeling that he might be only wanting a hair transplant out of insecurity and not wanting to encourage that, which is why i think most of your comment was good, and the sentiment was fine.
He definitely is an AH, and what he said was way worse. He took one imperfect thing you said and used it as an excuse to make some weird generalization that women encourage men to look the opposite of what they want which just makes no sense. Plenty of women do like dad bods and prefer bald heads to balding ones. I think is a big red flag that he is one of those types of guys who cant help but think all women are out to get men
No you are not the asshole. He sounds overly dramatic. Stay away from losers with fragile egos.
NTA, it sounds like a super sensitive issue for him and possibly whatever you said could be taken the wrong way. I recently had a similar discussion with a close male colleague who is much older and feeling super self conscious & talking about Turkey for transplant as well, such a shame as he also looks good balding. It’s his choice whether he believes you were sincere or not, that’s on him. Leave any follow up in his hands. I wouldn’t chase someone after such an awkward moment. I personally don’t think you did anything wrong.
NTA because you were trying to be supportive and offer advice, and you weren’t trying to be mean, although I get it. Many guys don’t want to go full shaven head and admit that it’s a lost cause, even if it would look better. I would have said nobody is at fault here but then you described how he began ranting about “females,” so I lost sympathy for him.
No hug is whatever. It was a first date and it didn’t go well. Many more fish in the sea.
Idk…more how you presented it? I was shocked when this one guy showed up with a different hairstyle than I had seen him with in pictures…I felt like such an idiot when I said, where is your hair? I said my bad almost immediately because I felt like an AH, but I still think I made him nervous. Because it was like an instantaneous reaction. I would’ve taken it either way, still handsome 🫶😭
Man, it is tiring seeing men push their insecurities onto lovely women who would likely make their miserable existence much less miserable.
It is a blessing when they show their insecurity and malice early enough though — Because they don’t deserve to even be in the presence of these lovely women.
Excited for your next date with a sweet guy!! Delete this one’s number permanently.
Honestly, also not a bad idea to text him that his overreaction made you uncomfortable — Maybe (emphasis on maybe), he won’t project this onto his next date.
NTA. It’s not a good idea to say “You’d probably look better if X” on a first date, but he definitely overreacted.
When he said “Females always encourage the things they don’t really go for like dad bods & shit. I didn’t expect u to be one of those” – I would immediately be out of there, that is a big red flag.
NTA. Maybe he thought you weren’t being sincere. Either way, he was super out of line with his reaction.
As a bald man, I definitely needed to hear the “why don’t you just shave it off?” comment from a friend. I never would’ve let go otherwise. And after ten years, I don’t even miss the hair on my head anymore. On the other hand, I’m super protective about my massive beard now – everybody has their own way of moving on lol
NTA, but look at it from his perspective. How would you like it if on a first date a man told you you’d look better with bigger boobs? Or a different hairstyle? Or if you were thinner or put on a couple of pounds?
“Females”. Eww. NTA
Well, you sure made sure that no offer of a 2nd date would be forthcoming. Congratulations, today YTA.
I think a little bit YTA as, even if you think you expressed it positively, going bald is something a young guy in his 20s is likely to be sensitive about, so any statement is likely to perceived through a negative lens.
Compare it to telling a person who’s sensitive about their weight that “they carry the weight well and don’t look fat”…even if that’s a positive sentiment it’s unlikely to be received well.
That said the guy’s response seems like quite an over-reaction so I think it ended up in ESH territory and you may have dodged a bullet.
Mostly NTA. I’m bald and I don’t think it was a bad thing to say in most circumstances, although saying he’d look good bald would be smoother than saying “better”, judging from his reaction he has quite deep insecurities about it.
The subject was going to be a mindfield either way and if it didn’t go south at this stage he was probably going to keep bringing it up until it came out in some other way. He was just looking for excuses to support his worldview.
NTA-Dodged a bullet with the female comment and various other Redpill comments he made.
NTA. My wife told me that for years before I shaved. Turns out she was we right.
As a bald, bearded man…I appreciate your love for the look
It’s a tough time going bald, especially if you try everything to hide it at first. I went so far as buying regane or whatever it’s called, but the advice to “buy this comb” “DONT GO IN THE SUN WITHOUT A HAT” so I just gave up. My gf, now wife, liked bald guys anyway so I grew my beard and cried when I first shaved my head. But ten or so years later, all good and shiny.
Did he actually say “females”?
NTA. Guy was fragile and shouldn’t have brought up is hairline. Clearly no response would have made him happy. Dude was giving major incel vibes.
ESH. You boofed it. Well-intentioned yes but he didn’t actually ask you for your opinion. It was unnecessary to share it when, clearly, he was already pretty insecure about going bald in the first place. A ‘that’s cool’ would have sufficed.
That being said, his reaction sucked. Plenty of women love a dad bod and a bald head, and his reaction is weird to me.
YTA Not for the sentiment, but your delivery…lacked tact. Especially for an obviously balding man under 30 yo. Instead of “bald” say “shaved head”, that sounds like a hip style choice instead of old before his time. And you should have stopped at “You would look cool/great/sexy with a shaved head”. “You’d look better …” was going too far, its a criticism, that never goes over well on a first date. Btw I am a 61 yo woman dating a 71 yo shaved head. He isn’t my first hair challenged boyfriend, but I find his shaved head confident and sexy, way better than the combovers cemented in place with hair gel.
NTA, but losing your hair at that age is traumatic and the guy was obviously not dealing with it ok.
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mild YTA. don’t offer an unsolicited opinion or recommendation unless they ask for it. especially if its something they’re clearly sensitive about.
although he’s a dick for using the phrase “females”
My gairlin3 started receding recently (I’m 24). Not terribly bad but enough to bother me so I shaved it all off to see what I would like and I think most men who are balding would be surprised at how it actually looks. Its jarring at first but once you get used to it after a couple days it’s not that bad.i actually started to like it. Especially if you can grow a good beard it works
ESH.
“You’d look better bald” is a backhanded compliment and those are never good. Leaving it as “you’d look good bald” would have been kinder.
However, his reaction was much worse and tells you everything you need to know about him. And of course he calls women “females”. 🙄
He is projecting, that’s all . He needs to grow before he can date
NTA. You were honest (I assume). Men do look hot bald with a good beard. He seems insecure and way too focused on the male gaze. Especially the comment about women lying about liking dad bods. He’s wayyy too insecure to be in a relationship imo.
NTA he made his balding a topic of conversation to the point he told you he might get a hair transplant. Are you just supposed to be a wall he talks at, smiling and nodding along ? At a certain point what is OP supposed to say ? Frankly its good you just spoke kindly and naturally in the flow of the conversation and got to see this man’s unhinged reaction. Consider this a gift from the universe you found out now what a sensitive little man he is
NTA he just needs time to consider the idea. I guess going bald is a dramatic change of his appearance and identity, and has also been quite a big fear. Just be kind and never underestimate the power of planting a seed, don’t bring it up until he does himself
NTA, even without explaining your thought process, your words seem kind and compassionate, not rude. Tbh being bald is hard to accept for some, so maybe he was just going through it! Definitely not your responsibility to lift him up or apologize in this case. Seems like it rubbed him the wrong way so oh well!
Side note, I wonder if you outright said he should pay money to get a hair transplant if he would have been upset or happy? Just goes to show you can’t do it all right.
NTA.
It definitely sucks for guys to go bald in their 20s. At least according to my favorite ex, who went bald when he was 21. Lucky for him he knew that being bald didn’t diminish his good looks and so while it definitely bothered him and made him question his karma, he never got insecure about it or went on rants towards others who mentioned his hair/lack thereof. Yeah, maybe your delivery could have used some polishing, but you really were just trying to lift this guy up, and that didn’t warrant the vitriol he spewed in response. He needs to learn that confidence is sexier than a combover when the wind is giving away his game.
If you two have a follow up date then that should boost up his self confidence. Your intention is good but it may be difficult for him to accept and you will make it worst if you are not going out with him again.
NTA. The second he said “females” I was out. Tate brain rot. Get out while you can
NTA
I agree with you. Men can look great with a buzz cut or bald. Hair/lack of is not what makes someone attractive.
What is unattractive is someone so insecure about his hair that he spends all his time fiddling with his fringe and projecting his own insecurities on you. That’s just exhausting.
ETH. First date? Don’t be commenting on someone’s looks. You wouldn’t like it if he did that to you either. “your ears are big and you’re self conscious about them? You deffo can just get away with just covering them up with your hair. Honestly, you would probably look prettier that way anyway. “
But yeah, he certainly overreacted.
He’s set on the idea that no woman would like him unless he has a full of hair.
You said that’s not true and, instead of changing his own view, he called you a liar.
If you had encouraged the transplant, he would have still hated you for it.
You can’t win with this guy.
Men can be very self-conscious about their hair line. You probably could have left out the second half of your response, since it was a little blunt. But he brought it up and you responded sincerely and in a way that actually was flattering to him.
Definitely has incel tendencies, if not full blown. Be glad you don’t have to deal with him anymore. Maybe some day he will remember back to what you said and be grateful, but that’s not anything you need to think about any more.
NTA
literal shock
NTA he’s clearly super insecure about his hair, which is all the more reason he should’ve stopped freaking talking about it! If your idea of good conversation on a first date is discussing your plans to travel for a hair transplant, you’re doing it wrong.
I always liked a man with a beard. My bf knew that, he knew I didn’t care that he had long ginger hair, but I loved the look of a beard.
He didn’t stop shaving until he was nearly 60. Now I have a grey haired (he was a true ginger). thinning on top husband who has AT LONG LAST stopped shaving! WOOHOO!
I don’t care that his hair is light grey (he’s white, but he prefers to call it light grey), or that it is thin on top, HE NOW HAS A BEARD!!!
People (male or female) can be weird about their hair. The fact that a man losing his hair can be a sign oh good testosterone levels is beside the point as far as a man is concerned.
I am female, and a drug I was prescribed caused me to suffer “male pattern baldness”. Let’s just say that I have a lot of sympathy for any young male suffering this as I know how badly it affected me (especially as I am a 100% CIS female).
Sinead showed just how sexy a bald head, even on a female, can be. But suffering this when young and male, takes a lot of self-confidence.
My art teacher has alopecia and wore a wig to hide it. My mate D was known as “D the hat” because he hid his hair loss under a hat 24/7 (we all knew why).
NAH, I’d say. Did he act pretty hurt and then was cold about it? Yeah, but you committed a faux pas that he was reacting to as pretty much an insult, and quite frankly, I don’t think he was out of line. I don’t say E S H, though, because I’m seeing two people bumbling through a first date with no malice or pettiness on either end.
Losing your hair when so young especially has to be so difficult. He wasn’t ready to hear the whole, “Embrace the bald” encouragement, and honestly, I can empathize with that. It took my husband years to embrace the bald, and it took me years to get used to it in that my mental image of him is now his current look as opposed to one with hair. I witnessed his process, and while it wasn’t constantly on the forefront of his mind, I could catch a glimpse at his grief, time to time. Even now, he will make a mournful comment when looking at a picture of himself, like, “Sighhh I’m so bald…”
Anyway, your date may look better bald as opposed to the combover fringe but he knows that he would look better (i.e. younger/more his age) with a full head of hair
That’s what he was trying to convey, I think, in that “stuttering” speech.
So, even though what you said was meant to be positive, but on a first date, you didn’t have that level of familiarity with him to speak it out loud to him. The wind was causing him to be self-conscious about his (probably most acute) insecurity and you called it out way too directly. Pretending it wasn’t happening or acting unbothered by it would’ve been the polite, graceful, and kind thing to do. Let his mother, sister, or closest friend tell him like it is instead.
When he made a comment bringing it up, it was a bid for reassurance, which you picked up on, but, uh, executed a bit heavy-handedly. Live and learn, I guess.
Just a heads up: telling a man he’s balding is the equivalent of telling a woman she’s getting fat.
He was clearly insecure about it bringing up hair transplant and you pushed it further. He likes his hair. And you told him to straight up shave it off.
In no universe would “Honestly, you’d probably look better _____” on a first date go over well. No matter the intention, you don’t know each other like that yet, this will always sound like criticism.
Especially with something like this, which goes against conventional beauty standards. It feels condescending and insincere. YTA.
YTA
NTA. As a bald bearded man all through my 20s more people need to just own it. And sure I guess he didn’t ask your opinion but if he’s going to be bringing it up constantly then he’s pretty much inviting it
Honestly, u’d probably look better bald’
“You would look good bald” would have been fine. “Better” implies that his current look is “worse”, which is an insult and a dig. Completely rude and careless way to speak to a date.
He would be free to respond “You’d look better if you lost some weight.” But that would not be nice of course.
I want to go with ESH because even if your intentions weren’t malicious, I’d generally stay away from “you’d look better if x” comments even of you’re trying to reassure someone, but tbh that’s not even why he’s mad. He’s clearly got some weird views around women and this whole thing about women lying about their preferences in men is one of those incel type beliefs that is becoming more prevalent online. I remember there was this before and after photo of this male celebrity going around, where he goes from looking in fine shape to quite shredded and a bunch of weird men were arguing with women who said they preferred the before photo and were insisting that the women were lying for some reason. What you said was clumsy at best, but it looks like you dodged an incel bullet, so I wouldn’t lose sleep over it.