Me and one of my best friends are both late 30s. We’ve known each other for about 15 years now and ever since then she’s struggled to keep a partner, because she was too self conscious and couldn’t open up.
I told her that I think she needs professional help, because she was downright paralyzed when she met someone she liked. She agreed, but never got help.
So the problem got worse and worse, she started to get more lethargic, stopped going out more and more, didn’t go to the doctor although she had different health issues, stopped going to the gym and the latest problem is that she hates her job.
So for the last 4 years she’s been telling me she wants to leave, she’s looking for a job now, she can’t stay there anymore ( the company really sucks and I absolutely agree, I wouldn’t work there either). In those 4 years she’s wrote one (1) application.
She constantly talks about wanting to do something different to what she does now as a job, but she doesn’t know what exactly. But she also doesn’t do anything about it.
So to sum it up: still no partner, because she is too shy and can’t open up, even if she really really likes someone.( She was on tinder for like 4 years and didn’t swipe right once, because she was too scared, she liked a lot of the men there but she just never did anything)
Still no new job or even an idea of what she wants to do exactly.
No treatment for her health issues ( we have universal healthcare so money is not the issue)
No sports or gym for the last 4-5 years.
Her apartment is always messy.
She complains about all these things almost daily, she’s not happy like that but she just doesn’t do anything about it. I told her, I think she is depressed, maybe she has an anxiety disorder. She agrees, she says she knows she has an issue and then: you guessed it- doesn’t do fuck all about it.
Now at that job it gets worse and worse so she complains more and more and in the last two days I came to end of my patience and I told her that I absolutely can’t watch her destroy her own life anymore. I got really angry and I was brutally honest, that she needs to get fn help now, she’s almost 40, she’s just whining and complaining for like 10 years now and just NEVER DOES ANYTHING. that her behavior is pathological and that I absolutely cannot carry that emotional burden anymore.
Now I feel bad about it but it is so incredibly exhausting. So AITA? should I have been more patient?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team.
Me and one of my best friends are both late 30s. We’ve known each other for about 15 years now and ever since then she’s struggled to keep a partner, because she was too self conscious and couldn’t open up.
I told her that I think she needs professional help, because she was downright paralyzed when she met someone she liked. She agreed, but never got help.
So the problem got worse and worse, she started to get more lethargic, stopped going out more and more, didn’t go to the doctor although she had different health issues, stopped going to the gym and the latest problem is that she hates her job.
So for the last 4 years she’s been telling me she wants to leave, she’s looking for a job now, she can’t stay there anymore ( the company really sucks and I absolutely agree, I wouldn’t work there either). In those 4 years she’s wrote one (1) application.
She constantly talks about wanting to do something different to what she does now as a job, but she doesn’t know what exactly. But she also doesn’t do anything about it.
So to sum it up: still no partner, because she is too shy and can’t open up, even if she really really likes someone.( She was on tinder for like 4 years and didn’t swipe right once, because she was too scared, she liked a lot of the men there but she just never did anything)
Still no new job or even an idea of what she wants to do exactly.
No treatment for her health issues ( we have universal healthcare so money is not the issue)
No sports or gym for the last 4-5 years.
Her apartment is always messy.
She complains about all these things almost daily, she’s not happy like that but she just doesn’t do anything about it. I told her, I think she is depressed, maybe she has an anxiety disorder. She agrees, she says she knows she has an issue and then: you guessed it- doesn’t do fuck all about it.
Now at that job it gets worse and worse so she complains more and more and in the last two days I came to end of my patience and I told her that I absolutely can’t watch her destroy her own life anymore. I got really angry and I was brutally honest, that she needs to get fn help now, she’s almost 40, she’s just whining and complaining for like 10 years now and just NEVER DOES ANYTHING. that her behavior is pathological and that I absolutely cannot carry that emotional burden anymore.
Now I feel bad about it but it is so incredibly exhausting. So AITA? should I have been more patient?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My friend has been struggling for the last 10 years but never gets help or changes her behavior, so now I finally exploded and told her I can’t stand it anymore. I am not sure if I should have been more patient
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Very difficult to help people who won’t help themselves.
NTA. Some people enjoy being a perpetual victim of life, with no accountability or willingness to change. It’s exhausting. You did the only thing you could do. Straight talking.
However if you want to keep her friendship, you have to set boundaries, and that may mean being clear that you will cut dead any conversation the second it looks like it’s going to turn into a whine.
You’re definitely not the a hole for finally just losing it! If she won’t change, she won’t get out of the misery! You’ve been patient long enough and it’s not even egoistic to end the friendship since she’s the one who’s standing in her own way.
NTA. It sounds like your friend might be suffering from depression. But that’s beyond your skill set to help her with.
NTA a friend isn’t a therapist, and what she needs is a therapist. you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themself. maybe a little bit TA if you were disproportionately angry, but at the same time 10 years is a lot of patience. i’d suggest a conversation with her that is something like “if you don’t get into therapy i can’t keep talking to you about your problems, im not a therapist and your complaining has gone beyond venting because you won’t do anything to help yourself” bc you need to make that boundary explicit.
NTA
You’ve listened to her venting for a very long time at this point but being there for someone like that takes a lot of emotional energy and can be incredibly draining. Totally fair of you to look after your own emotional well being. Especially when it is clear, it’s not going to change if it keeps going the way it has been.
Yes, you’re an AH, you have been her friend for 15 years, and over the last 4 you believe she has become depressed, and instead of suggesting you help her get an appointment and go with her to the GP, you shout at her for becoming paralyzed in her life and that she’s miserable and whining too much, you shout at your “friend”, so that you don’t have to be a friend, then you come here to have people tell you you’re not an AH you’re just looking after your boundaries.
Smfh
Definitely NAH.
I have walked out of “friendships” like this because it isn’t healthy for either of you. You can’t make someone decide to take action to help themselves. They’re hurting you mentally by draining you emotionally. You can set your boundaries but I’ve never seen them actually work. Kudos if you get them to follow your boundaries to stop dragging you into their problems, but be ready to walk away when they repeatedly break them. In the end, the relationship ends because the other person doesn’t value your friendship enough to even make a little change just for you.
[deleted]