I, 24F, have been having a lot of family issues. My grandfather 85M is currently hospitalized with lung cancer and my grandmother 82F is bedbound but not hospitalized. Recently my aunt, 55F, passed away in response to the stress we are all under (you know what I mean)
This leaves me with only my uncle (her brother) 52M, to try and help my grandparents. I have been in a deep depression as I grew up without parents and my aunt adopted me.
My uncle told me to not tell either of them anything – including my grandmother who was coming home from acute care, who would be coming home to an empty house with no daughter.
I said that was an absolutely horrible thing to do to someone and they have a right to know that their daughter isnt around anymore and it’s also not fair to my aunt to just be forgotten like that. I told both of my grandparents and held them. One of the hardest things Ive ever done in the world.
My uncle has been furious with me and blames any health issues since on the fact that I told them about my aunty.
Did I do the right thing?
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I, 24F, have been having a lot of family issues. My grandfather 85M is currently hospitalized with lung cancer and my grandmother 82F is bedbound but not hospitalized. Recently my aunt, 55F, passed away in response to the stress we are all under (you know what I mean)
This leaves me with only my uncle (her brother) 52M, to try and help my grandparents. I have been in a deep depression as I grew up without parents and my aunt adopted me.
My uncle told me to not tell either of them anything – including my grandmother who was coming home from acute care, who would be coming home to an empty house with no daughter.
I said that was an absolutely horrible thing to do to someone and they have a right to know that their daughter isnt around anymore and it’s also not fair to my aunt to just be forgotten like that. I told both of my grandparents and held them. One of the hardest things Ive ever done in the world.
My uncle has been furious with me and blames any health issues since on the fact that I told them about my aunty.
Did I do the right thing?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my grandparents their daughter has passed away. They aren’t in the healthiest position for this kind of news, my uncle believes that I ruined their lives by not sheltering them from it.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA, I get where your uncle is coming from but it’s better to rip the bandaid off now instead of letting them figure it out for themselves.
NAH.
You are both simultaneously correct. He doesn’t want to hurt your very near-death grandparents and you don’t want to mislead them. I would say you’re NTA but he is also NTA for different reasons.
NTA. I get where your uncle is coming from, but if your grandparents are still all there mentally, I think they’d figure it out after a while of not seeing or hearing from their daughter. Not telling them up front would just add a feeling of betrayal on top of the grief when they inevitably realized what must’ve happened.
On a personal note, my mom didn’t call me at work when my dad passed away from cancer. It’s been nearly 3 years now and I still struggle with the resentment I felt over not being one of the first to know. That was only a matter of hours, so I can’t even imagine how I’d feel if I found out that the plan was to keep it from me indefinitely.
You’re doing the right thing OP. Of course it hurt them to hear, but now you can all grieve together, which will be much better for all of you in the long run
NAH The only assholes here are cancer and mental illness. Be kind to yourself, your uncle, and your grandparents.
NTA.
> … including my grandmother who was coming home from acute care, who would be coming home to an empty house with no daughter
So, she lived with your aunt/her daughter? Considering then she’ll notice she’s not there, yes it’s appropriate to prepare her for the fact that she did die
YTA. What benefit was there to your grandmother by being informed, just as she came home from the hospital, of her daughter’s passing away?
This “right to know” stuff needs to be balanced against the impacts that being provided such information has on someone who is in poor health. When my 80+ year old father was told about his sibling’s passing, the impact was almost immediate: he never left his wheelchair to walk again, for the rest of his life. Luckily, his geriatric specialist stopped us from telling him when his wife (they were separated) had passed away by asking us the simple question: “How does this actually benefit him?”
FUCK YOUR UNCLE. It is not anyone’s right to withhold that information from them.