Hello everyone I (27F) have a sister in law (20F) has her first boyfriend (24M) who I am considering asking her not to have him over anymore.
Her boyfriend usually comes over mondays, Wednesday, fridays and sometimes sundays. We prepare dinner for the family and I’m not a major jerk so he eats with us those days as well. He never says thank you. It’s been brought to his attention numerous times and he still struggled.
We have requested that once he gets here at least saying hello, or being welcoming and he still won’t do it. He will immediately walk past us and either go to her room or if dinner is done he’ll walk past us to fix a plate. This has also been brought to his attention to at least be respectful and say hello. He might maybe once the next time he’s over but then nothing he just doesn’t even engage.
The other big ticket issue, we request that you close the toilet lid before flushing. He won’t do it. I even bought a placard that says “ please close the lid before flushing
The toilet” he either doesn’t close it or he will use her bathroom so he doesn’t have to hear about it.
HE invited her to a family roadtrip, and she took my credit card to cover her expenses. So far she has spent around $150 in just gas money. Her BF knows she has no job (he makes six figures) but still has her paying for gas? I feel like this is another screw us type deal.
Back story, my husbands sister has lived with us since she was 16, and she “graduated” from homeschool, hasn’t ever had a job, helps with our kids ( mostly plays games with me and them when she wakes up around 12pm everyday) we pay for all of her expenses as she’s researching colleges.
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Hello everyone I (27F) have a sister in law (20F) has her first boyfriend (24M) who I am considering asking her not to have him over anymore.
Her boyfriend usually comes over mondays, Wednesday, fridays and sometimes sundays. We prepare dinner for the family and I’m not a major jerk so he eats with us those days as well. He never says thank you. It’s been brought to his attention numerous times and he still struggled.
We have requested that once he gets here at least saying hello, or being welcoming and he still won’t do it. He will immediately walk past us and either go to her room or if dinner is done he’ll walk past us to fix a plate. This has also been brought to his attention to at least be respectful and say hello. He might maybe once the next time he’s over but then nothing he just doesn’t even engage.
The other big ticket issue, we request that you close the toilet lid before flushing. He won’t do it. I even bought a placard that says “ please close the lid before flushing
The toilet” he either doesn’t close it or he will use her bathroom so he doesn’t have to hear about it.
HE invited her to a family roadtrip, and she took my credit card to cover her expenses. So far she has spent around $150 in just gas money. Her BF knows she has no job (he makes six figures) but still has her paying for gas? I feel like this is another screw us type deal.
Back story, my husbands sister has lived with us since she was 16, and she “graduated” from homeschool, hasn’t ever had a job, helps with our kids ( mostly plays games with me and them when she wakes up around 12pm everyday) we pay for all of her expenses as she’s researching colleges.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1-I’m considering telling my SIL her boyfriends banned from my house 2- banning him would make me an asshole
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Technically NTA, your house so you can decide who you invite over.
ASD here. I struggle to say hello. It’s nothing active or chosen, I just notice after the fact that I failed.
I would argue it’s better to flush with the lid open. So I’ll disregard unargued authority (e.g. an order written on a sign).
My point is not that it’s a good thing. Your house your rules. But it might be predictable enough to be managed.
As for your sister using the credit card she was given, I’m not sure what the point is.
Long story short, if you ban someone solely on not saying thank you, it sounds a bit petty.
If you ban them on chosing to disrepect an understood rule. Fair enough. NTA
If you ban them on struggling to understand your rules and customs. ESH
He makes 6 figures at 24 with no social skills? That seems like a white whale. Keep him close so he marries your SiL and takes that mooch off your hands.
NTA
First off, since it’s a SIL, that’s your husband’s problem. Talk with him and establish some ground rules.
A BF who enters the house and just helps himself to food 3-4 times a week? No, buddy, cough up some dead presidents, or bring a bag of groceries when coming over.
When he rings the doorbell, just stand on the way and ask who he is and what’s his business. Don’t move until he speaks, or, if he doesn’t, tell him to leave and close the door. If your SIL gets him a key, demand it back and threaten to change the locks – without providing SIL her own copy.
Oh, and if they are still on the road trip, and cancel the card she stole.
Why is your sister in law using your credit card and stealing from you? Couldn’t she at least steal from her own brother?
Also the boyfriend knows she isn’t paying for anything. YOU are.
NTA
You are opening your home, preparing meals, and covering expenses for your sister in law while also extending that hospitality to her boyfriend. It is not unreasonable to expect basic manners like saying hello, thanking you for food, and respecting house rules like closing the toilet lid. The fact that these requests have been repeatedly raised and ignored shows a lack of respect.
It is also concerning that he invited her on a trip while knowing she has no income and then let her use your credit card to cover costs. That leaves you financially responsible for their plans which is unfair and crosses a boundary.
You are not wrong for considering limiting his access to your home. It is your space and you have the right to set rules about how guests behave there. A constructive approach might be to have one final direct conversation with your sister in law explaining that her boyfriend is welcome only if he demonstrates consistent respect for your household. If she or he cannot meet those expectations then it is fair to say he is not welcome.
This balances your right to maintain a respectful household with giving them the chance to adjust their behavior.
Your house your rules!
NTA. Are you sure she isn’t just lying about his finances?
NTA.
You and your husband are indulging your SIL. The boyfriend needs to be banned from your house NOW. He’s more than old enough to have been taught basic manners, and it’s not your job to do so.
As for giving your SIL your credit card — why in Dog’s name would you do such a thing? The boyfriend invited her on the trip, so it’s either incumbent on him to cover her expenses or for her to decline until she’s got her own money. She’s 20 years old, never had a job, and is “researching colleges”; you’re giving her a free ride and not forcing her to grow up.
And him not closing the toilet lid? Eeeeewwwww. And you’ve been ALLOWING it to continue.
Also, you know she’s probably going to get pregnant and thus unable to go to college. She and bf will not get a place together because she’s already got you wrapped around her finger, so he’ll move in and not expect to pay for anything. She’ll find that being a mom is “just so hard” so that you’ll be babysitting her child while they go party. Or, worse, bf will dump her and you’ll still be paying for all of her expenses plus her baby because bf won’t be responsible and she won’t want to have the hassle of pursuing child support.
Good grief. I really, really hope this story is someone’s fever dream. If it’s actually real, backbones must be in VERY short supply in OP’s part of the world.
Cancel that card right now, then tell her she is on her own and can move in with her bf
Geht your SIL working or studying and starting to search for an own home… NTA
NTA. You haven’t done anything, except ask that he greet you and thank you for dinner.
I’m not much of a “put the toilet seat down” guy, but if somebody told me I have to, in their own home, then I have to. It’s basic manners.
The fact that your SIL stole your credit card isn’t really on the boyfriend. All he did was invite her, even if he should have been more mindful of her and his financial situation, from what you’ve written, I can’t really assume he told her to commit a felony.
In short, if you don’t want him over anymore, that’s fine, but maybe deal with the thief first.
OP you mention that you have kids. Your husband needs to shut this down fast. The kids will pick up on this really quickly and you don’t want them taking their cues from the BF on how people in a family (because he’s acting like he’s part of your family) are supposed to behave. Basic manners and politeness is not too much to ask of a guest, especially one that you’re feeding with such regularity. NTA
Is she seeing a therapist for her depression? She needs to get that under control. And she needs a deadline: like, in two months she should either be enrolled in college classes or have a job. Tears don’t allow her to ignore whatever timeline you and your husband set. And the boyfriend is not welcome until he follows the very simple rules of basic politeness. It is your home.
Some people just have no social skills and do not pick up on social queues. You need to be straightforward with BF. Call him aside and tell him your issues. Also, since he seems to have made himself home at your dinners, I’d set a price for dinner for him.
Is his job in IT or a situation where he doesn’t have to interact with other people often? That he makes good money doing?
To be honest, he sounds like he may be on the Autism spectrum. These people often struggle with social cues and have very specific rules about things (possibly the toilet thing).
The sister on the other hand… there might need to be some boundaries and expectations set up there. I don’t know what challenges she may be facing, but it sounds like you guys are basically her parents. She may need to be given deadlines on things like getting a job, applying to college or trade school, joining a union apprenticeship program, JobCorps, etc.
NTA. Your house, your rules. However, I think you should have your husband talk to her and take care of this situation. It’s his sister. You two need to set some boundaries. If the boyfriend is unable to show some manners and be respectful, he shouldn’t be allowed into your home. Also, why does she even have your credit card? You’re not her mom. Cancel it and make her or the boyfriend pay. You should also give her a 2 month deadline to either start college or get a job or else, she’ll become a burden. Last but not least, this girl needs therapy.
He could be on the spectrum. One of my best mate’s husband is autistic. He doesn’t understand social cues, he never says hello to anyone voluntarily, will only chat to me if I engage him in a topic he understands, and will avoid everyone if he can get away with it.
Over the years I have learned that if I want any interaction with him, I have to stand in his path and yell “hello”, and talk to him about tech stuff (luckily we’re both in tech). If I want him to do anything, I have to tell him with very clear instructions. Subtlety does not work. Luckily, he doesn’t need diplomacy either. Straight up bluntness works the best with him. I also never expect any initiative on his part for anything.
I’m not saying your SIL’s bf is definitely on the spectrum, but it sounds highly plausible. Try interacting with him in a more straightforward manner and see if it makes a difference. No hints, no ifs and maybes. And repeat the request every time. For example, if you want him to help with the dishes, just ask him to do it, and ask every single time. Do not expect him to do it voluntarily, at least not in the beginning.
You could probably even ask him straight up to contribute monetarily to meals. But I would leave that till you can figure out if he’s actually on the spectrum, or just a straight-up asshole.