I (35F) separated from my husband (39M) 3 years ago due to cheating. We have 2 children together (15F and 14M). He moved in with his affair partner after the separation. He recently found out she is cheating on him and wants me to help him with a place to stay. And I’m torn with what to do. No we aren’t divorced yet. Yes I still care about him and his wellbeing. No im not in love with him. Part of me wants to let him drown because he chose to ruin his family for her. But at the same time I feel bad and don’t want him homeless. (I won’t go into details about why he has trouble securing his own place to stay) Our coparenting relationship is very rocky. Sometimes is really good but sometimes it’s VERY bad. I’ve suggested family counseling before to help navigate this change in our children’s lives. He always refused stating I only wanted it so we could get back together. But NOW he’s agreeing to therapy. I feel like now he’s doing whatever I want because he needs a place to stay. After getting cheated on, he came to me and apologized for cheating, for hurting me, and ruining our family. I told him he’s only apologizing cuz he’s experiencing what I went through and it sucks, not because he’s sorry he cheated. Im torn about what to do with him. I would LOVE help with bills. He was always the provider and I was a sahm. So having to start working and pay bills was not fun but I’m managing. Allowing him back would lessen the burden on me. He’s great with the kids and has them 50/50 no need for child support. But we still haven’t managed to get our fighting down. We agreed to therapy for just us. I agreed because we could use help on getting along for the sake of the kids. But I’m wondering if he’ll use that to try to get back together. I will let it be known in therapy that if we do get back together, it’ll have to remain an open relationship because I will never devote myself 100% to him again. She doesn’t know he knows yet so they are still living together. A huge part of me is saying to let him suffer. He chose her over his family. But deeeeeep down I still care and want to help.
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I (35F) separated from my husband (39M) 3 years ago due to cheating. We have 2 children together (15F and 14M). He moved in with his affair partner after the separation. He recently found out she is cheating on him and wants me to help him with a place to stay. And I’m torn with what to do. No we aren’t divorced yet. Yes I still care about him and his wellbeing. No im not in love with him. Part of me wants to let him drown because he chose to ruin his family for her. But at the same time I feel bad and don’t want him homeless. (I won’t go into details about why he has trouble securing his own place to stay) Our coparenting relationship is very rocky. Sometimes is really good but sometimes it’s VERY bad. I’ve suggested family counseling before to help navigate this change in our children’s lives. He always refused stating I only wanted it so we could get back together. But NOW he’s agreeing to therapy. I feel like now he’s doing whatever I want because he needs a place to stay. After getting cheated on, he came to me and apologized for cheating, for hurting me, and ruining our family. I told him he’s only apologizing cuz he’s experiencing what I went through and it sucks, not because he’s sorry he cheated. Im torn about what to do with him. I would LOVE help with bills. He was always the provider and I was a sahm. So having to start working and pay bills was not fun but I’m managing. Allowing him back would lessen the burden on me. He’s great with the kids and has them 50/50 no need for child support. But we still haven’t managed to get our fighting down. We agreed to therapy for just us. I agreed because we could use help on getting along for the sake of the kids. But I’m wondering if he’ll use that to try to get back together. I will let it be known in therapy that if we do get back together, it’ll have to remain an open relationship because I will never devote myself 100% to him again. She doesn’t know he knows yet so they are still living together. A huge part of me is saying to let him suffer. He chose her over his family. But deeeeeep down I still care and want to help.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Because I’m allowing the father of my kids to be homeless. He is a good father to them. If I need help he helps me. So I feel like an asshole not helping him.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. No you do not owe an ex who cheated on you any help. A place to stay is a huge ask. You clearly have conflicted feelings. Letting him stay with you won’t make things clearer. Please get individual therapy – not couples therapy.
YWNBTA at the end of the day he’s the father of your children and him going homeless would be very bad for them and you know it, that’s why you’re torn. I’m not sure what extent of the help should be, definitely don’t help him pay bills but it shouldn’t be nothing.
NTA but you are nothing but a temporary launch pad for him. He will find someone new and still use you as a fallback as long as you let him.
Is this the example you want to be for your kids?
NTA
Helping him with a place to stay would probably only make things more difficult between you.
He’s an adult. He can find a place to stay.
As someone who’s been in a very, very similar situation: NTA. YWBTA if you let him back in.
Take a step back, remove yourself from the situation entirely. What sort of example are you setting for your kids? If they’re boys, you’re showing them it’s ok for men to treat women like this. If they’re girls, you’re teaching them it’s ok to let men treat women like this. If parents don’t get along, 9/10 times it’s better for the kids long term if they split. If he’s legitimately a good dad, he will still be a good dad if you don’t live together.
Edit: Your kids are old enough to understand what’s going on, they know their dad left and chose another woman over their family. Why not sit them down and ask what they think of the situation? They are old enough to have an opinion. I completely understand the urge to be kind, but people take advantage of that.
You would be a fool if you let this mess into your home.
NTA. Fafo.
NTA
> Part of me wants to let him drown because he chose to ruin his family for her.
JackNicholsonNodding.GIF
> But at the same time I feel bad and don’t want him homeless. (I won’t go into details about why he has trouble securing his own place to stay)
I can think of a handful of reasons why a grown-ass adult wouldn’t be able to secure independent housing, and none of them are particularly sympathetic.
NTA if you refuse to take him in.
He is now love bombing you in order to secure housing since plan A failed. How long till he runs off with his next partner? A question that cannot be answered without a time machine.
Don’t let guilt allow him take advantage of you or let him back into your life.
NTA, karma is doing its work
Don’t do it!!! Everyone will get mixed signals and besides getting him out will be difficult if he doesn’t cooperate. Sounds like a mess in the making. Besides he’s an adult responsible for himself. Not your problem!!
NTA but you would be one to your kids if you let your STBX move back in. It’s confusing and distressing for kids to have this kind of turmoil, and it can give them false hope and expectations if you do eventually divorce. Not understanding the situation, your kids may blame themselves for years if their father moves back in only to move back out.
Have some respect for yourself and your own kids. The garbage took itself out. Don’t invite it back. Why would you trust this man again? Why would you expose your children to constant fighting and instability? Do you have NO good instincts as a parent?
If you do it, you need to do it with some sort of legal agreement as to what his responsibilities need to be, financial and otherwise, and how much notice you need to give him if you want him out. You should also check with an attorney because, in some states, you would not be able to divorce if you are still cohabitating unless it’s clear that you are legally separated.
And I want to caution you against this as a person who married someone who had not drawn clear lines with their ex. if it would affect your kids, help better the situation only to the extent that it would benefit them. but do not do anything to keep your ex from facing the consequences of his own actions. do not do anything to show your ex that you will still behave like a partner. if you do find someone else, and then you have to cut your ex off from this kind of support, your ex will blame the new partner rather than himself. that’s what happened to me when my husband’s ex lost all of the privileges of marriage that she enjoyed long after the marriage ended. and I realize that you may not now even be able to envision wanting to partner with someone else in the future, but just in case you ever do, show your concern for them in your decisions now. and, for that matter, for your kids. my husband’s ex destroyed her relationship with my stepson because of how badly she behaved toward me. granted, she was not a good parent at any time, so that part of the comparison doesn’t fit here. but be very careful.
ETA: NTA at all
This would be big stupid. Not an asshole, just really stupid
NTA. Your kids have had enough upheaval due to this man. Don’t let him disrupt their lives further by moving back in. He’s only agreeing to therapy now to manipulate you into giving him a place to stay. Don’t fall for it.
I’ve been through this as well..but I don’t have children.
If you help him, you just showed him it was ok to do that to you.
Did he care when he did it to you? Did he help you? Who saved you when he did it to you?
It’s called karma and he’s reaping what he sowed..
Of course you feel bad..you’re human…but have respect for yourself AND your children and don’t give in to him.
Do not help him.
You can’t trust him.
NTA. Do not under ANY circumstance let him back. Your situation will only get worse.
I let my ex move back for temporary means until he could find a new place and pandemic hit. His stay got extended and I had to evict him, which he became insufferable. Because he wanted to get back together and I turned him down.
He became even worse when I evicted him.
NTA.
No, Let him sort his own mess out. You move on with your life. He is using you.
He is a hobosexual. Will agree to anything to have a place to stay. And he is still the same asshole you left.
NTA he’s made his bed and now doesn’t like an extra person was invited in.
If you do choose to let him in make sure that you have a contact with a time frame, rent he is paying, duties to complete- especially when it is his custody time and sleeping arrangements and a clause for if it is not working for you. Outline if he is able to have visitors both overnight or pop in for visits including family and friends. Will he start dating someone and expect to be bring them into your home.
I have always believed that people have affairs because they are not happy in the relationship. If he was happy in the marriage he would have rejected any advances and/ or not made any.
The affair was an excuse and just because his life is not what he wants he comes running back. Unfortunately you’re just a backup for him until a better option opens up.
YTA if you let him move back in. He got karma. Your relationship is not healthy, & would only hurt the kids. He is also probably thinking of getting back into your life once he moves back in.
Letting him stay with you isn’t the help he needs long term. Inviting him into the home you created for your kids ISN’T going to help them either. Don’t invite choas in your life—you owe him nothing.
Don’t be a fool. He already made a fool of you, don’t let him do it again.
You still care about him…are you desperate and pathetic.,
Don’t do it. He is a cheater. Finish the divorce process
NTA, but why are you still married to him? You could have already been collecting alimony and child support to help with the bills.
You are not his mother.
He’s feeling consequences and he wants you to fix it for him? How big an enabler does he want you to be?
If he is going to improve and change, he needs to start taking responsibility for himself. Without that, he will NEVER change, he will just continue to manipulate.
If you love him, you need to allow him to feel the consequences of his own actions. If you do not love him truely, just allow him to emotionally manipulate and blackmail you.
This will teach your son to treat women with disrespect and your daughter to allow abuse. If you do not want this damage being done to your children, you are going to have to stand up and protect them by showing them how grace and firmness works. Say no.
paragraphs are your friend