Alright guys here WE GO. The background: she is technically no longer married to my father, they got legally divorced for financial reasons (my dad basically doesn’t want her taking his money) but still live together and don’t tell anyone they are divorced.
I HATE her and I don’t say that lightly. The story goes, I met her daughter in 7th grade and we became close friends so her mom and my mom became friends. In 8th grade, I realized her daughter was a terrible girl and our friendship ended because she got a “new best friend” in 8th grade and would purposely exclude me from activities, sit with her back towards me at the lunch table to talk to her new best friend, etc.
Unfortunately, her mom and my mom remained friends. THEN, freshmen year of high school: my mom and I find out she is having an affair with my dad.
So my ex stepmother, was friends with my mom and also has a daughter who bullied me, and had an affair with my dad and got married to him when I was 19 years old. (After my dad tried getting back with my mom twice but cheated on my mom again with my stepmother so my mom finally had him leave)
Since their marriage, she has seen my mom once at the grocery store and called my mom a “b**ch”. Something I will never forget to go along with everything else she already did.
She’s said rude things about me behind my back, that my dad told me about like “getting a degree in social work is easy” even though she’s never been to college but that was in my early 20s. I am 31 now. She also just always looks at me with this “stank” look on her face almost all the time. I know she probably secretly hates me because I’m my mother’s child and she’s jealous of course.
I have to deal with her whenever I see my dad and we just keep it civil. I haven’t honestly had issues with her in a long time. Her presence just annoys me. She apologized once about having the affair when she was crying to me that my father gets abusive, but I already know and don’t feel sorry for her. She is such a selfish person and only cares about how she looks to others – fancy clothes, cars, etc.
I have issues with my dad at times.. but he’s my dad. But he can be narcissistic and has undiagnosed mental health problems.
My dad has told me numerous times they do not love each other and are only together for financial reasons.
Do I invite her to “keep the peace” and keep my dad happy? Or risk my dad possibly not showing up to my wedding because I don’t invite her? I already mentioned to my dad I didn’t want to invite her and he was not happy about it. I think about how I was too complacent sometimes when I was a kid, even attending their wedding as a bridesmaid.. how messed up is that?
So AITA if I don’t invite my ex stepmother, who was friends with my mom and had an affair with my dad, to my wedding?
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Alright guys here WE GO. The background: she is technically no longer married to my father, they got legally divorced for financial reasons (my dad basically doesn’t want her taking his money) but still live together and don’t tell anyone they are divorced.
I HATE her and I don’t say that lightly. The story goes, I met her daughter in 7th grade and we became close friends so her mom and my mom became friends. In 8th grade, I realized her daughter was a terrible girl and our friendship ended because she got a “new best friend” in 8th grade and would purposely exclude me from activities, sit with her back towards me at the lunch table to talk to her new best friend, etc.
Unfortunately, her mom and my mom remained friends. THEN, freshmen year of high school: my mom and I find out she is having an affair with my dad.
So my ex stepmother, was friends with my mom and also has a daughter who bullied me, and had an affair with my dad and got married to him when I was 19 years old. (After my dad tried getting back with my mom twice but cheated on my mom again with my stepmother so my mom finally had him leave)
Since their marriage, she has seen my mom once at the grocery store and called my mom a “b**ch”. Something I will never forget to go along with everything else she already did.
She’s said rude things about me behind my back, that my dad told me about like “getting a degree in social work is easy” even though she’s never been to college but that was in my early 20s. I am 31 now. She also just always looks at me with this “stank” look on her face almost all the time. I know she probably secretly hates me because I’m my mother’s child and she’s jealous of course.
I have to deal with her whenever I see my dad and we just keep it civil. I haven’t honestly had issues with her in a long time. Her presence just annoys me. She apologized once about having the affair when she was crying to me that my father gets abusive, but I already know and don’t feel sorry for her. She is such a selfish person and only cares about how she looks to others – fancy clothes, cars, etc.
I have issues with my dad at times.. but he’s my dad. But he can be narcissistic and has undiagnosed mental health problems.
My dad has told me numerous times they do not love each other and are only together for financial reasons.
Do I invite her to “keep the peace” and keep my dad happy? Or risk my dad possibly not showing up to my wedding because I don’t invite her? I already mentioned to my dad I didn’t want to invite her and he was not happy about it. I think about how I was too complacent sometimes when I was a kid, even attending their wedding as a bridesmaid.. how messed up is that?
So AITA if I don’t invite my ex stepmother, who was friends with my mom and had an affair with my dad, to my wedding?
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> My not inviting my stepmother to my wedding and risking my relationship with my father, AITA?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA, your wedding so you get to decide who you invite. It’s your day, and it should be celebrated with people who you actually want there
NTA – it’s your wedding, no one else’s you can invite and not invite whomever you want…
NTA. Your wedding. Chances are your dad will bring her anyway though. So be prepared for that.
NTA. Your wedding should be a celebration of the people you want to have there, and if you don’t want this woman there, she shouldn’t get invited. If that means you dad does not attend… well, that kind of proves the lies about being together for financial reasons if nothing else.
Do not invite her to keep the peace. The peace you need to focus on is yours (obviously) and your mother’s (who I assume is closer than your father is). Your father’s peace comes after that… and is his own responsibility based on his past.
I get he’s your Dad, but I can’t figure out why you aren’t just no contact with both of them.
NTA. Your wedding, your rules. You get to invite who you want and you also have very good reasons not to want her there.
If your dad says well I’m not coming if she doesn’t come, I’d be saying ‘ok then don’t come that’s your choice’.
NTA–I wouldn’t invite her. If your dad is willing to pick her over you then he wasn’t much of a dad to begin with
NTA
>I already mentioned to my dad I didn’t want to invite her and he was not happy about it.
He spend years neglecting your happiness why sacrifice your most important day and tainted it with the presence of the people who never care for it the first place? Believe that they want to attend just for appearance sake. You know, as a their lifelong mission to justify their affair. Never become their tool for it.
NTA. it’s your wedding and you should only have people there who love and support you.
but i’ll give you the same advice i gave to a friend who wanted to not invite someone’s significant other: how important is your relationship with that person to you? the reality is if you don’t invite her, your relationship with your father will be damaged and potentially destroyed based on his first reaction. if you’re ok with that fallout, don’t invite the stepmonster
This is a tough one. You’re definitely not the AH for not wanting her there but how badly do you want your dad there ? I might just invite her then ignore her
NTA. It’s your wedding and you can invite who you want. It’s understandable not wanting to invite a person who has caused so much harm and drama. However, if you don’t invite there will most likely be massive blowback from your Dad and her. If you are willing to deal with the fallout from not inviting her then don’t invite her. It’s a tough situation and I wish you luck.
NTA it is your wedding. Ask your dad if he would not come if she was not allowed there? Get his POV. Then make a choice.How bad do you want him there? Will it be more stressful or make the day better. I mean, if I could go back, i would have never had my mom there, but my dad would not have come. So a big bird was at my wedding.
Do you think she would make a scene? I mean you could make a speech after the wedding at reception. How wonderful your mom was and how you love your dad and appreciate that he is divorced from her so she won’t get anything if he passes away and how you are glad her daughter bullied you and how ex SM continues to bully you.
I would be Petty, like mayor of pettytown. I would drag her through all the mud. I would make her never want to cross you again.
NTA. Honestly I read this and wondered why you’re even inviting your dad. Sounds like he’s not the best either.
NTA. Your wedding. You do what you want. You invite who you want.
NTA. I got about halfway through the reasons before knowing it is totally fine to exclude the ex-step-mom from the wedding. You get to make that choice.
Just know that it forces your dad to make a choice too. Be prepared for whatever he chooses. I am guessing you won’t like it.
NTA- Your wedding and you don’t have to invite the ex step mom that you hate. Cut and dry, you can remove half of your backstory as that is all the context folks really need.
NTA. This is a no brainer. You do NOT invite someone you hate to your wedding! To put it mildly, “keeping the peace” is SO overrated. I know it will be an added expense but hire security and give them a picture of your stepmother to keep her out. It will give you peace of mind on YOUR day! Best wishes!
Tough one, you wouldn’t be the asshole either way IMO. It comes down to what YOU want, not ex stepmom, not dad, not mom, but you. You know the possible consequences of not inviting her, and that’s dad not coming, but he would be a HUGE asshole if he didn’t show up even if she wasn’t invited, If they are just together for “financial” reasons, then what would it matter if she was there or not is my question. Seriously, she isn’t “family” but by the sounds of it just a roommate to split bills with. NTA Good luck and congrats!!!!!!!!!
NTA… but I wonder if it’s worth the headache.
I had a somewhat similar thing at my wedding. I wanted a friend to be there, but he recently divorced his (awesome) wife and was going out with a new girl. She ended up being just an ok person and a less than great guest. They would leave early, not participate much with the group, etc. Not asshole stuff, but passable. I didn’t like her vibe, but out of all the people there, she was the least important to me. I have 1000 new memories with my other close friends, and a few less than stellar ones with her. Looking back, it was the right decision and I saved myself a big and very long headache by having her there.
ESH. She obviously sucks but it seems like you are trying to punish her by not inviting her. (You haven’t expressed concerns about how things will go at the wedding or anything, it seems focused on past events). Obviously that’s within your remit but do you really want that kind of drama for your wedding? You’d be better to ignore her. Any drama she creates reflects badly on her, but if you create this drama you will give her ammunition. I get the urge to punish her, it certainly seems like she isn’t a great person, but do you really want to be like her?
NTA. If you invited her, you wouldn’t be “keeping the peace.” You’d be trading your peace for your dad’s. This is your wedding. Your peace is the one that matters. If he skips your wedding because a woman who no longer has a relation to you and who you actively dislike doesn’t get invited to a wedding where nobody but him wants her there, he’s a shitty father and that’s not your problem. Fuck keeping him happy. You did that enough when you were a child and that should never have been your burden to carry. Invite the people YOU want to your wedding, and nobody else.
NTA do not invite this person to your wedding ! You don’t need her drama. She’s not even you step mom – just the mother do your bully, the home wrecker and affair partner.
Your wedding you invite people that will celebrate you !
NTA.
Nta. Fuck the peace
You don’t invite her. She can’t be civil to your mom so she doesn’t get an invite. And if dad says “she promises to behave”, you just tell him that her past behavior shows that she can’t be trusted. That she has never shown you kindness or respect. That you know she talks trash about you and hates you. That you are done being nice to a woman who openly treated you with disdain. I would also reconsider your relationship with your dad. You say he’s abusive. Why allow him access to you? What if you have kids? NTA
She didn’t have an affair with your dad, your dad had an affair with her. Your dad was the issue in your parents marriage, not her. Unless she put a gun to his head, he chose to have an affair with this woman. The back story is somewhat irrelevant.
You should hate your father in a similar amount for this.
But anyway, it’s your wedding and you can invite, or not invite who you like. You don’t need a reason, it’s your wedding so NTA.
NTA. She’s the last person I’d want there and if dad doesn’t like it, he doesn’t have to come. Don’t let him strong arm you into having that vile woman there for your special day.
NTA. My wife’s stepmom is the woman her dad was cheating with which caused her parents divorce. I hate that woman with a passion and she knows it too. Needless to say they are barely involved in our lives or with our kids. You suck Pam.
Op your wedding…that being said, if it was me I would want PEACE—which your stepmother is not capable of. I would tell your father it’s my wedding , I deserve to have peace, AND stepmother has proven she s not a cooperative polite woman. So the two people who mean the most to support me are you Dad, and my mom. If he can not understand, nor respect your wishes, tell him you respect him enough to understand that he will not be attending and it’s gonna hurt. Good luck OP, and congratulations
No way in hell am I inviting my fathers affair partner to my wedding, forcing my Mom to deal with that bs all over again. Nope. Not happening. I’d deal with Dad not coming and know that having my Mom there means more than anything else anyways.
NTA. Why would you be expected to invite certain drama to your wedding? And if Dad stays home because you didn’t invite someone he openly admits he doesn’t love…something is seriously wrong with Dad!!!
NTA but it’s very likely that if she doesn’t come, dad isn’t coming either.
NTA, have only people you want at your wedding. Disrespect and name calling of your mother is reason enough to tell ex stepmom to pound sand.
Protect your wedding and your mother! Never back down from those boundaries.
I don’t see anything to gain by inviting him, especially if he tries to pressure you into allowing his “wife to come too. I have a feeling your dad hopes to look like the dedicated father by walking you down the aisle, but also would be worried he’Step mom may act out/ getting drunk/Trying to make a speech wearing an inappropriate dress, etc
NTA. Only invite people you want. The rest can kick rocks.
NTA
No offense but why are you inviting your dad?
I think you should not invite her as she may pull something to ruin your day. Don’t have evil people there you don’t like.
NTA if he’s a narcissist he will want to look good in front of everyone. So he might still come
It really would be a slap in the face to your Mom if you did.
NTA Don’t invite. Dad has made it clear she’s not his wife, and she’s not a romantic partner either – so no need to include her. You can always say its for your moms sake and you want to keep the peave, so ex-stepmom is not invited.
The guests are supposed to be people who crlebrate and support your marriage. Stepmom sounds like she doesn’t even support you.
NTA, it’s your wedding. you dont invite her, enjoy YOUR day, and you make it clear to your father he can come but she cannot. since “they dont love each other” its literally no point for her to be there , if she doesnt love your dad I know she doesnt love you and your wedding day should only be surrounded with people who love you. You are 31 now and let too much slide already as it is. stand up for your inner child! (and congratulations)
NTA! Whether you invite her or not, OP, please give your wedding vendors and venue and/or a trusted wedding guest (preferably a big dude!) a heads up to keep her away from you/prevent her or your dad from making a scene
NTA
No one should be at your wedding that you don’t want there. Dad can just swallow it and deal with it and if he’s that torn up about it then he doesn’t have to come at all.
“they got legally divorced for financial reasons (my dad basically doesn’t want her taking his money)”
“My dad has told me numerous times they do not love each other and are only together for financial reasons.”
What? They ‘secretly’ got a divorce so she doesn’t take your dad’s money. But he stays together for financial reasons. Make it make sense.
Nope. Don’t invite her.
Who needs the drama? Weddings are stressful enough. Don’t invite her and if your dad chooses not to come, then have your mother walk you down the aisle. I’d choose her anyway over your cheating father. NTA