I (27F) recently had my first kid who’s now 14 weeks old. I went back to work 2 weeks ago, I work from home, and currently have my dad watch him two days a week, my best friend watch him once a week and my MIL once a week.
The issue is I can’t seem to relax or get any work done when my MIL is around. She broke my trust very early on by kissing my baby at the hospital, then kissing him the next time she saw him. Even though I specifically told everyone not to kiss him at all before I even gave birth.
We have never been close, and I’ve always been on egg shells around her. I know I’m not what she thought her first DIL would be. But I can’t say she does anything specifically wrong when she comes over. She even brings us dinner for that night. But I can’t relax, my baby picks up on it and has been incredibly difficult that day and the following day even though it’s just me and my husband (35M) home.
I could move my work schedule around a bit to work less on the day she would’ve come over or even get a nanny, but I guess I don’t know how to tell her or how to salvage the relationship after it happens. My husband isn’t happy about it, when I told him my feeling and that I wasn’t comfortable with her coming over to watch him anymore he just said “ok”.
She also wants to bring my FIL this upcoming Thursday and she asked if he could come in a group chat with her, I, my FIL and my husband in it. I replied “thats fine!” But I can’t pretend like that’s not stressing me out a ton.
I feel like I’m stuck between choosing myself and not hurting other people’s feelings. She’s very nice, but I can’t shake it. Any words of advice? Am I over reacting?
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I (27F) recently had my first kid who’s now 14 weeks old. I went back to work 2 weeks ago, I work from home, and currently have my dad watch him two days a week, my best friend watch him once a week and my MIL once a week.
The issue is I can’t seem to relax or get any work done when my MIL is around. She broke my trust very early on by kissing my baby at the hospital, then kissing him the next time she saw him. Even though I specifically told everyone not to kiss him at all before I even gave birth.
We have never been close, and I’ve always been on egg shells around her. I know I’m not what she thought her first DIL would be. But I can’t say she does anything specifically wrong when she comes over. She even brings us dinner for that night. But I can’t relax, my baby picks up on it and has been incredibly difficult that day and the following day even though it’s just me and my husband (35M) home.
I could move my work schedule around a bit to work less on the day she would’ve come over or even get a nanny, but I guess I don’t know how to tell her or how to salvage the relationship after it happens. My husband isn’t happy about it, when I told him my feeling and that I wasn’t comfortable with her coming over to watch him anymore he just said “ok”.
She also wants to bring my FIL this upcoming Thursday and she asked if he could come in a group chat with her, I, my FIL and my husband in it. I replied “thats fine!” But I can’t pretend like that’s not stressing me out a ton.
I feel like I’m stuck between choosing myself and not hurting other people’s feelings. She’s very nice, but I can’t shake it. Any words of advice? Am I over reacting?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Not allowing my MIL to watch my son during the week. Even though I’m allowing others such as my dad.
2.it will hurt my MILs feelings, and my husbands.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
You are setting precedent now for the rest of you and your kid’s relationship with your MIL but also your husband on this one.
The two of you first need to be a team and act as a unit, with him fielding most of the boundaries.
Articulate what you need to him, collaborate together to find a way to make this relationship possible and tolerable going forward.
If she is properly caring for your child, which you seem to be saying, then yes YTA for getting a nanny and replacing her single day.
YTA
INFO: Aside from her kissing the baby when you asked her not to in the past, what’s the actual conflict here? You haven’t described anything else she’s done wrong — just you not being able to relax. This honestly sounds like you’re the one with the problem.
When we she be allowed to kiss her grandchild?
NTA. She’s already crossed boundaries. For your mental health, for your and your baby’s physical well being, because she clearly can’t respect boundaries, you should tell her that her help babysitting is no longer needed.
What other boundaries will she bulldoze? What if she decides to feed your baby solid foods too early even after you told her not to? (That’s why a doctor has guessed my niece has gastrointestinal problems.) What if you tell her about an allergy and she doesn’t respect that? (It’s happened and it can be fatal and life ruining.) What if you’re super clear about what can be in the crib and what cannot, but she thinks that’s cruel? What if she thinks it’s fine to give your baby brandy or whisky during teething and you’re not cool with that?
She’s going to prioritize her feelings over baby’s safety—she’s already shown you that by kissing the baby’s head multiple times, knowing it was a boundary. She’s husband’s mom, he can break it to her for you.
I could see where you husband is hurt by this. YOUR dad and YOUR bff get to watch the baby, but his mom can’t. I’d say YTA if she’s stopped kissing baby like you’ve asked and generally takes good care of him. It seems your problem is with past things so if she’s currently been no problem, then it seems a little unfair.
The kissing thing is really annoying. I feel like people really don’t understand. My aunt kissed me when I was a newborn and I was covered in face sores because she had a small cold sore. I then had struggled with cold sores my entire life, and continue to.
That right there tells me she doesn’t respect your boundaries. It’s easy for people to say YTA but I just relate to you so much. My MIL is “nice” but she is just too overbearing, doesnt respect my boundaries, and causes me stress and anxiety when she’s around. I’m an only child with a single mom who died years ago. I’m not used to being parented so much and I’m hyper independent, and she hates it. She wants me to need her so bad. I wish I had better advice for you, but I just want you to know I get it.
At the end of the day if you’re not comfortable you’re not comfortable. I will say it seems like she’s not outwardly doing anything but if it’s making you this anxious it’s probably not worth continuing to have her come over. But I would gently recommend you see someone about PPA. Even if you ultimately decide to have her not watch the baby, it might help you navigate the relationship beyond that. But I would advise you be careful and also gently honest with MIL. “I feel like I’m walking on eggshells and anxious. I know you’re not doing anything to make me feel this way, but it’s something I am struggling with. Can we talk about it?” You might be able to bridge some of the gap.
Even be honest about feeling like you don’t think you’re what she was expecting from a DIL and that you have felt that energy from her. She might bring up a perspective you haven’t thought of and it might end up actually bringing you closer.
YTA unless there is more to the story of why you don’t like your MIL.
OP – it’s very hard to find reliable childcare these days. Your MIL doesnt seem that horrible if her only “sin” is that she kissed your baby 2x (gasp!). Grandmothers that love their grandkids are priceless!
Your baby should not be around YOU if you are working. The baby should not feel your stress.
Your husband and you have to be a team and on the same page. But i am carefully saying this as i know postpartum hormones can mess with a new momma, dont ruin the relationship with your MIL and FIL over this. The baby will need loving grandparents.
YTA
Don’t show my child affection is fucking wild. I can’t relax and trust my MiL because she’s affectionate towards my child is also fucking wild.
This is a serious and sincere question, OP. Who hurt you to make you scared of people that want to love your baby? Have you talked to a professional about this? If not, please do, because it feels really unnatural up reject loving caregivers for strangers.
I’m leaning towards YTA. Seems like you are projecting things onto your MIL that aren’t there. Spend more time together and you’ll feel more comfortable.
They are his, he can do with them, or not, as he pleases. I agree it’s a shame but it is what it is. If you want to stop the deterioration then go talk to him and see if he has a price. The mistake most people make is trying to beat a guy down when he names his price. With most cars there are three values. What the buyer wants, what the seller wants, and what if sells for in the end. The three rarely are the same.
If the only thing was the kissing then soft YTA. The kissing thing is a safety issues but she’s also a grandma and it probably wasn’t considered a big deal to kiss last time she was caring for a baby. Check in with your husband about your feelings. Also if you’re popping in and out often that may be what’s causing the baby to fuss. Clear, consistent transitions from mom to caregiver are very important. If there’s another issues or incident then you and your husband can decide a plan together
YTA… Aside from the kissing, you have given no tangible reason for her not to be around the kid
Overall NTA. The kissing thing is a huge deal breaker, but you don’t say if she’s done it since. There’s a lot of missing reasons so I think what you should do first is really listen to yourself and examine those reasons. Do you feel like she’s judging you? Do you feel like she doesn’t like you? Do you think she won’t listen to you when it comes to your child? (Displine, kissing, screen time etc.) The FIL statement doesn’t have anything behind it so I’m not sure why you’re stressed about that. Your feelings are valid. You’re feeling them every time she comes over and watches your child. At the end of the day, you are responsible for your baby and their well being. You’re not an ahole for feeling how you feel. I’m going to say this as a reformed people pleaser myself: you gotta stop trying to please everyone and do what’s right for your family and yourself. Part of that involves looking at the whys and figuring out the solutions to that based on those whys. She already broke your trust once, can she get it back? Can you work towards a healthier relationship with her? Don’t leave your husband out of this either. He needs to be as committed to your family as you are so it’s not “she decided.” It needs to be “WE decided.” Good luck to you. You’ve got a shiny spine just waiting to break free. 🙂
Look our in-laws aren’t always the type of people we’d normally chose to spend time with but we’re stuck with them. It seems like she’s trying, bringing you an evening meal etc. why don’t you use this as a chance to get to know each other better. Have you tried talking to her about it? If she’s a reasonable person maybe just say I know this might sound weird but I feel a bit on edge with you around the house, that you feel like you have to behave a certain way or meet expectations but you want to both feel comfortable with each other. I’m sure she remembers being a new mother with a mother in law. Maybe ask her what that was like. I think if you sack her from her one day then you’re setting a president & she might not be forth coming to help in the future.
YTA It is a luxury these days to have extended family so close by for help. It is something I certainly never had and life with babies was extremely hard. I would have loved to have in laws that give a shit and god forbid…kissed my baby! If that is all she has done wrong, then you need to take a good hard look at yourself. Relationships with extended family are what every child needs when growing up. When your kid starts walking and crawling, you’re gonna appreciate the time out.
NTA. If you are not comfortable with it, then you just aren’t comfortable with it. Is there anything she could do that would make you more comfortable?
No one is entitled to spending time with your child, not even grandparents. BUT I do think you need to figure out the root cause of the uneasiness and see if it you can solve it. If you think she will receive it well, perhaps you could talk to her about it- the kissing and unable to relax and work when she’s there. It would have to be done super, super gentle but it’s better to try to solve it now before it gets worse and there’s a big blow up.
Personally no one’s the A in this situation, your a fresh mother suffering from PP you just need to have a proper sit down talk with MIL saying how your uncomfortable with them kissing the baby due to health issues it can cause for life. And if she can’t respect that then she shouldn’t be around the baby alone , and make sure to have a talk with your husband as well
Lightly YTA, Please consider going to therapy.
Find out the reason why you experience so much anxiety around your mother-in-law, is it a boundary issue? Is it something else?
Also, postpartum is very real and could explain an increase in anxiety.
I’m rooting for you and hoping you can get along with your in laws for the sake of your core family (you, husband and child) and how you all relate to one another in the future.
INFO: I don’t understand what your MIL is doing wrong by kissing her grandchild? Please elaborate
Its hard to say, perhaps she can build trust with you? When you work from home, do it in the common area and have the baby there as well and your MIL takes care of them and you can ensure she respects the boundaries ?
My fear would be that she’d be kissing the baby and other stuff when you’re not looking.
Perhaps you could explain to yiur husband why this is a huge valid concern? There’s alot of documentaries online about what has happened to some babies that were kissed by relatives and help him understand how serious it is then sit with your MIL and explain with your husband supporting you and you place boundaries down?
NTA. Cold sores can do serious damage to a child. Spell it out clearly for her that any violation of any of your boundaries from this point forward (including kissing the baby, discipline, screen time, food, napping etc) will result in a ban. You need to make sure your husband is 100% on your side and holds this boundary with her as well. If he’s not willing to, you have a much bigger problem on your hands
NTA
You’re the mother. If your instincts are telling you to avoid someone, avoid them. If it turns out later that it was silly, so what? If it turns out you were right, good to dodge the bullet. But usually with something like this: You’ll never know what might have happened if you hadn’t dodged the bullet.
You are 100% going through stress right now that will never have a parallel anywhere else in life. Try to remove it. Talk to people about it (like, perhaps a professional? Seriously!) Do not let this sort of thing build up.
Destress NOW while you’re not over the line. Do not wait for it to boil over. And STOP asking for permission to take care of your child from anyone other than your partner. Pay for someone you trust to watch the baby. Relieve the stress from that MIL, too. If it wasn’t stress, however, if she was merely showing off your baby, that’s not her place. The baby is yours and not a trophy for in-laws or anyone else. Don’t make up excuses. You don’t need them. YOU are the mom. You are completely responsible for everything and have no “report to”. It’s not a job. It’s much much more than that. Plus, of course, if you don’t give an excuse, nobody can argue with it. You and The Dad are in charge here.
Take some deep breaths. Then figure out how you can be relaxed as much as possible so your baby can grow up with non-stressed parents. Maybe you’ll decide MIL isn’t so bad when you get some distance or she gets some rules right for a while. Maybe not. But get your head on straight first. Then work out that other stuff.
IMHO.
NTA
YTA – The kissing thing is annoying and definitely unnecessary, but obviously she wants to be a loving grandma. At this point, I would try to work on your relationship with her to build up trust and respect with one another. She is free day care, and would you rather trust her or a complete stranger?
Work on mending the bridge before burning it!
Yta. You do sound like a nervous wreck but I think that’s normal. But op YTA.
I understand that you are upset that your boundary was not respected. However, is it possible that it has less to do with her kissing the baby and more to do with the fact that you just aren’t as comfortable with her as you are your own father and your best friend? It would make sense to me that when she is around, because she is not a blood relative or someone you are super close with (like your BFF) you feel like you have to be “on”. If that is the case, would it be better for her to take the baby to her house for the day?
Yeah given what you said, you’re overreacting!
Listen, it takes a village to raise a child, and the thing about having a village is that you don’t get to control everything. If you want help from other people, you need to be open to them doing things differently from you. In my opinion, kissing your grandchild is perfectly normal. I don’t think you are the asshole if you don’t want her to watch your baby, that’s within your rights. But you will damage this relationship and your relationship with your husband. If she’s not doing anything weird or really harmful, I think you should pick your battles better.
Soft YTA. Did I miss the part where you and your husband sat down with the in-laws and had an adult discussion about what you’re concerned about? I know people sometimes think that they should only have to say something one time and it should be immediately understood and obeyed, but sometimes that doesn’t work in reality. But I also know people can have had a different upbringing, learned or experiences and knowledge that could give them different views to yours.
I hear people use the “I stated my boundaries” thing all the time, and get so upset when they’re “not respected.” Yes, in a perfect world it shouldn’t be so hard, but people are fallible, and sometimes some understanding, explaining, and negotiations would really work to everyone’s benefit.
I’m very, very shocked at some of these comments.
NTA.
Do I think it warrants no contact? No. Do I think you shouldn’t let them ever see the baby? No. Do I think they shouldn’t ever babysit? Jury’s still out.
BUTTTT…. Not respecting your very serious, very important decision not to kiss the baby was child endangerment. Brand new babies do not have an immune system, and kissing them can spread germs and bacteria that could be fatal to them.
I understand your frustration, but I think you not speaking up or trying to discuss the issue before making such drastic decisions like stopping them from watching the child makes it seem controlling. I don’t think you are, I think you don’t like confrontation, but you need to speak up for yourself and your child.
If you would like, I can post educational links for you to give them and your husband. You can say it nicely. You can find a resolution. You don’t have to be mean about your boundaries, just firm.
NTA. I had a very similar problem with my MIL and it’s only gotten worse as time as gone on the last 3 years
YTA. Also you are completely farked in the head. You told family not to kiss your baby? TF is wrong with you? I suggest you get therapy, GROW UP, or both.
I don’t care how much Karma I have to sacrifice here. Your behavior disgusts me.
YTA
And people around you need to stop placating your acting like an overprotective nut. You’re looking to pick a fight with your MIL. This isn’t about the baby. Stop it before you fracture your family.
NTA. Kissing your baby can be very dangerous. Germs commonly living in peoples mouth’s like Herpes can kill your baby! I personally know 2(!) mothers who lost their child due to rsv.
I would be on eggshells too if I knew I could not trust the person who is going to take care of my child.
INFO: how was the unsanctioned kissing handled? Did your husband address it and put a stop to it? Was she remorseful?
This sounds like it is all you. Maybe talk it out with her. She sounds like she and your FIL just want to help you out.
NTA.
I don’t know what the hell these comments are, but when a mother tells somebody not to kiss their baby, you don’t kiss the fucking baby. She actually does not need any more reasons why she doesn’t want the mother-in-law to be watching the baby when the mother-in-law has already shown her twice now that she’s not going to respect her boundaries.
I don’t understand the perspective of “we’re going to give our newborn baby to someone who does not follow our boundaries because she’s the grandmother.”
It’s blatant disrespect from the mother-in-law. That’s more than enough.
Soft YTA- if MIL is taking good care of the baby and respecting your boundaries. How would you feel if your husband said the same thing about your mom? Both parents’ feelings are import to consider. I’d encourage you to talk through your concerns with a professional. Maybe it’s PPD or PPA or maybe it’s just being a first time parent. Having a sounding board to help you talk through everything can be super helpful.
yeah, boundaries are hard but kisses on a newborn can be a dealbreaker. i’d be stressed too.
You can NOT blow up your relationship with your husband s family over this. I would install a nanny cam and hopefully that will make you more comfortable seeing her with the baby. You could ask text your mother in law and tell her how you are feeling. Say something like I am a new mom and I am feeling anxious around you because you broke my trust in the past. I want to get past this but it s difficult. I love you.
You’re not the asshole. If she can’t follow simple boundaries like not kissing the baby and does what she wants anyway she will continue to do it with things that are even more important. If your instincts as a mother is telling you something is wrong then trust that. Don’t blame it on hormones etc. if you don’t feel comfortable with her watching YOUR baby then that’s that. Your priority is being the best mother you can be and if she takes away or causes you even more stress during such a difficult transition (going back to work) then who gives a fuck how she feels. It’s your baby!
Soft YTA. Our new babies make us anxious as mothers. So if there’s someone YOU aren’t comfortable you might be projecting your anxiety onto them. Having ANYONE care for your little tiny newborn is stressful. And I think you need to separate good care with general anxiety. Maybe you are. But it seems like your MIL is caring for your baby well, and your anxiety is creeping up. Long term, what a gift to have grandparents bond with their grandkids, to have more adults who love your baby. Please try to untangle these feelings before hurting a bunch of others’ feelings.
YTA reddit is wild. I’m glad I have a daughter. Dad families tend to get the shaft here. Everyone wants a village til there’s something that bothers them.
I think you need therapy to address why you have such a strong aversion to others kissing your baby.
What happened to you?
Kids need affection to become healthy, caring, confident children. It takes a village.
Germs are everywhere……are you going to put your kid in a bubble for life? I could understand if MIL was sick, cold, and asking her to pause till she is better.
For real, get therapy to find it why you have these feelings. It helps.
ESH. Look, kissing the baby was way, way out of line of your MIL, but it sounds like you haven’t addressed it directly with her. You haven’t provided any other evidence of things she’s done wrong, she even brings you dinner! You need to stand up for what you want (if you don’t want FIL to come, you need to say so), but if being around MIL is stressing you out when she isn’t doing anything, you need to sort out your own feelings.
YTA because you haven’t made a sold argument for disliking her. She hasn’t been horrible to you. She kissed your kid yes boundary breaker but geez lady. Slow your roll. It seems the dad’s family always gets the shaft. It makes you uncomfortable and I’m sorry but you don’t really have a leg to stand on here. You’re just trying to push his family away. Maybe therapy since this woman hasn’t done nothing to you. This is a you issue not MIL. I’ve got two kids they were kissed and just fine.
NTA
“Don’t kiss my baby” is a direct and reasonable demand, which she proceeded to do the first time she met the baby. And the second time.
Kids go blind, kids DIE from adults kissing them. You can discuss with her why you’re not allowing her to watch your baby, but you’re not an asshole for protecting your baby.
I’m not going to call you the asshole but the generational change to no kissing really only happened in the last 10 years. So most people aren’t even aware it’s a thing.
It’s also an overblown risk relative to day driving in a car with your baby. That’s the most dangerous thing you do.
So the question for you is do you want to blow up your support system? You need a support system to raise children so working on improving this relationship rather than destroying it likely has more positive outcomes for you.
“I’m stuck between choosing myself and not hurting other people’s feelings.” I know this is your first baby and self care is important, but I think it should be more like “choosing what’s best for our baby and not hurting other people’s feelings.”
Have you spoken to her? Asked her if she kisses the baby? Talked about your feelings with her and your husband together before cutting off this extra line of support? Why is the FIL being in a group chat stressing you out? You seem to have an anxious personality and that’s something that can be worked on, but I don’t think you should stress so much about (in my opinion) not-so-stressful things. Maybe I’m biased because my MIL always has been amazing, but I really think you should try to have a conversation about it. It’s also not just your decision, you’re married and the baby is your husband’s child as well.
It’s also possible that you could become closer to your MIL because of the baby. Ask for advice, send pictures, genuinely try to relax and work on building a relationship. Have open communication. My 2 year old goes to her grandparents all the time, and now they have clothes/toys/dishes for her at their house so I don’t even have to pack a bag. She cries for them sometimes so I know it’s time for a visit the next day! Seriously, extended family is so important for children as they grow, and I think this situation needs a little more work on both sides before you stop her from watching the baby.
Besides the kiss. Did she do it more times ?
I feel like that would make your in law relationship worse. Look you are going to need help don’t alienate your in laws because of this. You have two people who will love your baby as much as you and your husband work on this. Give them opportunities to help and praise them for it. I know it is sucking up but it will be worth it.
Hi OP! I’m going to say no one’s an AH here. I want to share though that I have similar feelings to you. I struggled and still sometimes do with PPA. It was really hard to articulate but I had such a strong aversion to my MIL and felt sooo uncomfortable with her watching my LO. I’ve been in therapy and it’s been really helpful. I’ve been learning to set boundaries and speak up for myself. There are things with my MIL that were soo small or seemingly nice that bugged me and built up resentment. I won’t say things are perfect but I continue to work through it because consciously it’s not fair to my husband and child to block that relationship. Best of luck to you.