I 37f recently received a lifechanging amount of money. I haven’t told my best friend, 37f, yet that she & her two kids (12f & 2m) will each be gifted a lifechanging amount of money in an irrevocable trust. Here is where it gets a bit sticky, I want to give 12f 2.5 million and 2m 1.5 million. The reason I want to do this is because I helped raise 12f when she was little and I still have her with me every school vacation. She genuinely fees like she is my child, she calls me mom, and there is no difference between her and my own children, it’s the exact same amount of love. 12f abused when she was younger which has resulted in several mental issues. Her therapist has said it may be difficult for her to live a normal life and she will likely need lifelong therapy. 2m has his dad in his life (12f’s dad OD’d), his dad is a lifer in the military, and 2m is very blessed with new clothing, toys, etc (12f is not). 2m is setup better in life, it is what it is. I grew up as the black sheep of the family and did not get the same opportunities my siblings did and has had a lifelong ramification. I look at 12f’s life and I can’t help but see her childhood shaping up to be like mine and I don’t want that. While I can’t change her situation, I can give her money to use to help her future. Money is a tool after all.
My concern is how my friend will take this. In her eyes they are both her children, and they are treated equal. I don’t want her to see the discrepancy in the amount and think I don’t love 2m as much or I see him as lesser than his sister, and I don’t. But I am more invested in 12f and my motherly instinct is to provide and protect her. In addition to this, this is a gift. This is on my own free will and why can’t I do this?
So Reddit, AITA?
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I 37f recently received a lifechanging amount of money. I haven’t told my best friend, 37f, yet that she & her two kids (12f & 2m) will each be gifted a lifechanging amount of money in an irrevocable trust. Here is where it gets a bit sticky, I want to give 12f 2.5 million and 2m 1.5 million. The reason I want to do this is because I helped raise 12f when she was little and I still have her with me every school vacation. She genuinely fees like she is my child, she calls me mom, and there is no difference between her and my own children, it’s the exact same amount of love. 12f abused when she was younger which has resulted in several mental issues. Her therapist has said it may be difficult for her to live a normal life and she will likely need lifelong therapy. 2m has his dad in his life (12f’s dad OD’d), his dad is a lifer in the military, and 2m is very blessed with new clothing, toys, etc (12f is not). 2m is setup better in life, it is what it is. I grew up as the black sheep of the family and did not get the same opportunities my siblings did and has had a lifelong ramification. I look at 12f’s life and I can’t help but see her childhood shaping up to be like mine and I don’t want that. While I can’t change her situation, I can give her money to use to help her future. Money is a tool after all.
My concern is how my friend will take this. In her eyes they are both her children, and they are treated equal. I don’t want her to see the discrepancy in the amount and think I don’t love 2m as much or I see him as lesser than his sister, and I don’t. But I am more invested in 12f and my motherly instinct is to provide and protect her. In addition to this, this is a gift. This is on my own free will and why can’t I do this?
So Reddit, AITA?
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> 1. I haven’t taken action yet, I’m reaching out to see if my thinking is flawed and I could be asshole.
2. Action would be gifting money disproportionately
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Just give money to your friend, but like 500.000. See at 18 if you still are friend with she and the kids . Money change people.
If you really care about 12F, you won’t set her up for the anger and resentment she’ll receive from her sibling once it is made known she will get more money. Favoritism destroys relationships. YTA.
I understand what you’re saying, but I don’t think it would be all that much more different to just split it equally between the two. That will also prevent future potential heartache and conflict. A life-changing amount of money is life changing amount of money. 2m each vs 2.5/1.5 is worth not creating a shitstorm for them later. Either way, what you’re doing is very generous, I just personally would treat them the same.
NTA – this is a tricky one but both these kids would have a great head start with either amount of money. Hopefully your friend will understand your reasoning and perhaps you can let her know the additional is meant for medical care you know she will, whereas the 1.5 is to give them a headstart in the world.
Set up the trusts for the kids without telling them/her the amounts. Or even that they have the trusts. Money changes people. But if you truly want this for their future, do it quietly.
NTA. But don’t tell your friend the exact dollar amounts. It’s going to cause issues that you’re not being equal with the kids. So just tell her that you’re setting up college trusts that will start paying out at 18 so that they won’t have to worry about an education. You can acknowledge you have to put more in 12f’s account since 2m has another 10 years for interest building. But both kids will have at least $1 million ready for their education at 18. She doesn’t need the exact dollar amounts cause face it, with interest and such, you won’t know the exact amounts. If she’s a halfway decent person, she should hear that her kids will have a heck of a fund set for them and be grateful that the kids get this life boost.
And then over the next few years, make sure 12f learns financial literacy, taxes, how to save and invest so she’s ready to take on those funds when she’s an adult. I personally wouldn’t hand an 18 yr old two million dollars without any strings or education cause it’ll disappear quickly. When 2m gets older, he has to learn the same things. And then if they want to do college, trades or start a business, they have a cushion and some financial acumen.
It’s your money so you can do with it as you please.
NTA though you might get a better reaction going from the age angle and using earnable interest by the time they are adults as a better excuse. It’s far more understandable and makes more logical sense in my opinion
I say you’re NTA. I have a friend whose dad was kicked out of her life as a toddler bc of drugs, and her younger half-siblings get all kinds of benefits (material and otherwise) that she didn’t. Like they bought her 14 yo brother a sports car before he could drive it , and they never got my friend even a clunker (she’s 25 now). Hold firm on why you’re making these decisions. Your friend probably won’t be happy, but if she sees her kids as equals, she sure isn’t treating them equally (e.g. 2m getting new toys/clothes while 12f doesn’t). Like overall I think this could hurt your relationship but just because your friend doesn’t want to see the truth /shrug
NTA but please give them the same amount. Even though your reasons make sense! Giving them different amounts will risk creating problems between them.
However, in addition to whatever amount you give them, you can invest in the 12 year old’s treatment. She does not have to struggle through life. Find the best expert therapist you can, who is offering intensive EMDR, and pay for her to go there. Will make a huge difference and get her on a better track. (Might do that for yourself too.)
I hope/assume that you’ll be putting this money into trust funds managed by yourself or their mother or someone else trustworthy. Ideally until they turn 35 or some other age old enough that they won’t be so likely to squander it. And will have lived a more normal life until then, e.g., learning the value of money, the importance of work, etc.
I’d make the trust even for now and if/when the need arises, contribute more to the one without a father. For example when college comes, tell friend, “you know what, I can cover her tuition so you guys can save more for boy…”
The 2m will earn slot of interest by the time he 18 so just do what you want to do
This is super generous of you. You are a good person.
Remember MONEY RUINS EVERYTHING. Best friends second kid hasn’t been alive as long to form that bond. What happens say in 5 or 10 years you are super close to the younger one but not the older one. The friend has no right to be mad at you.
How about giving them both the same amount of $1.5 but as life goes on you can still contribute and pay for stuff as relationship withholds the test of time School, weddings. Vacation. Houses. Cars. I mean it won’t be a one and done. Difference in money may create a rift between siblings as well.
You want a lasting relationship not something soured by money.
NTA. $1.5 million to a baby will be worth more than $2.5 million in ten years. The gifts are equivalent.
2 yo will get more money, cause of the interest over additional 10 years in a trust fund. 12 yo will use money earlier, so it will accumulate less interest. This is math, not emotion.
NTA
NTA, but give your friend the money but don’t tell her about the trusts for the kids and make theirs revocable. The kids can find out from an attorney when they turn 18 and your can make the amounts equal, with a separate trust for 12F for medical expenses only, perhaps with instructions that she keep it quiet or that kicks in at a later date when she is more likely to be independent, like 25. As others have said, you could change your mind or your relationship with them all could change, which is why I say revocable trusts.
If you’re concerned, your friend will be concerned. Don’t tell anyone, just do it. End of story.
NTA like 12f has more memories with you and mean more to you than the 2y.o who can’t. It’s a decision made when he was 2 he can’t expect the same treatment, it’s like saying your friend might have a 3rd child ” why s/he didn’t get any money that’s so unfair”
My grandma basically raised my 3 and half years older sister since both my parents are working and she also raised me and my younger sister (mom dropped us at her place before going to work) we all know she prefers my older sister because she spent the most time with her as a baby as I said she practically raised her. We sometimes are bit jealous but it just makes more sense (even tho that growing up me and my younger sister visited More offen in our summer break)
How can she complain about that? Put t the money in a revocable trust. If she complains, tell her it is not her money to complain about and if she has a problem with it, you will end the trust.
This is incredible generous of you so definitely NTA, but I’m just wondering how this is structured like who will be the trustee, when will they get access, etc?
As others have pointed out the imbalance may create tensions, I’ll just say that while this is a shit ton amount of money for most people, it may really screw them over in the long run if they don’t know what they’re doing.
A young adult who is handed this amount of money will have little incentive to get a job or start a career. They may also be tempted to spend it in all sort of ways from extravagances to gifts to investing in poorly thought out business ideas. I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve seen or heard of young people blow through incomprehensible amounts of money in no time.
In the end, they may make it to their 30s with no money left and no career or work ethic and really be quite fucked in the long run.
I don’t know anything about these kids I just hope you are talking to a financial advisor to think about how to structure these trusts to avoid these sorts of issues.
Let’s say you invested that money in the stock market and gave it to each kid on his/her 18th birthday. That would be $4.2m for the girl and $8m for the son.
You should strongly consider how you do this, though, because too much money can ruin people. If you made it contingent on certain things, and disbursed in monthly payments, then that could go a long way to help.
NTA as it’s your money but you are not being fair. If I were the mother I’d have a problem with this. Also the kid will have a problem with you later as you’re showing favoritism
Tell your friend that her younger child will have 10 extra years to accrue interest on the gifted money before reaching adulthood, and you wanted to gift them approximately equal amounts to use in their adult life so you’re starting the accounts with different amounts to accomplish that. Set it up as a trust where each kid can access their own funds at a set age (25 is common) and the trustee can access funds earlier for educational expenses for them.
NTA. Do it, and just tell your best friend that 12’s fund is higher than 2’s fund to compensate for the extra 10 years of compound interest that 2 will have the chance to receive.
Honestly, the 1.5 million will probably STILL be the larger trust fund in the end.
You have two choices:
Give one more money than the other and create animosity, questions, doubt, tension, arguments, and strained relationships.
Give equal amounts and be the amazing person who changed their lives.
Your call.
I don’t think you would be an asshole, but I do have an idea on how you could possibly do this better. You could do 1.5 million for each child in the account, and then offer to pay the same in child support as the 2m receives from his dad and purchase things for 12f and give to the mom, so it looks like mom is just making things even between siblings. Not everything needs to be announced to the public and when 12f is grown you can totally offer additional financial support without sharing that info with everyone. If you feel the need to give more to her you can and just do it in a different way. Examples could be, paying for certain bills or things she needs, gifting the money in smaller amounts every year or so instead of one large lump sum. There are lots of ways to give 12f a boost without rubbing it in her brothers face or showing favouritism
OP: 12f only has 6 years before turning 18/possibly needing money for school and setting up a life. 2m has 16+ years. That’s 10 additional years for the $1.5m to grow and become more than $2.5m. It doesn’t feel unfair at all if it’s framed as total amount of support at/by the child’s age of maturity.
You are so wildly lovely and this is a beautiful thing for you to do. I think you have valid reasons for their being a difference and it is really no reason to discuss. These are gifts and wildly generous ones.
Also, 2m has an additional 10 years for his money to grow, ready for him to do whatever with when he reaches adulthood. If you gave them equal sums, 12f would be disadvantaged, because of the age difference.
2m has much longer before he can access it which also means it has far more time to grow which I’d mention.
NTA. But also consider that there are some assumptions being made here – 2m may not always have his father in his life. Things happen and there’s no guarantee that 2m is going to have a great life just because of his situation today at 2-years old.
My older sister had many issues growing up (still does) and she was always given special treatment and I was left out because “you don’t have as many problems as she does”. I’m still suffering from that today because I was often overlooked/neglected on account of my sister. It’s all how you want to look at it.
Nta
BUT Setup equal trusts now, and have a 2nd special one for her once she’s 18 that friend doesn’t know about. It will be a 2nd and separate gift, and you can mention that she’ll need the extra help in life then.
NTA. 2 has 10 extra years of gaining interest in whatever account you set him up with. I guarantee the account will make the difference up if invested wisely. You can set it up that way.
I think your intentions are the best and your reasoning sound. I don’t necessarily think discussing amounts with your friend is the best ides at this point in all of your lives.
One possibility is to create revocable trusts for both. Why revocable? Because you can’t be sure that you won’t need the money for you, any partner, or any bio kids due to economic, health, or some other catastrophe. Another possibility is to set aside a lump sum in an investment account and draw on that amount to pay for therapy, hobby lessons, sport activities, college or trade schools, weddings, downpayment on first houses, first cars, etc. as the years unfold. Dividends can be returned to the investment accounts so they can at least partially replenish what you spend. In your will, you can create irrevocable trusts for both of them into which the account remainder is divided and placed into each trust according to percentages instead of set dollar amounts in whatever proportion you choose. You could tell your friend that you are setting aside an undisclosed lump sum you will draw on to pay for extras for her children (give examples) that might be unaffordable for the family as her children need and wants manifest.
I think you should keep in mind a few things as you consider whether to disclose anything about money set aside with your friend. One, your relationship with any and all of them might change. With the rate of relocation in the military, that is entirely possible. It’s hard to maintain the same level of connection and involvement when you’re not physically close enough to be part of someone’s daily life. Two, their family may grow. What will you do with your original amount of funding for her two children if she ultimately has, say, four? Third, I think you should take into consideration how she and her husband might feel about you implying that they may not be able to fully provide for their children. They may be appropriately grateful and see your intention as the loving gesture it is, or they might interpret it in the most negative way as you perceiving them as inadequate parents and providers. May be framing it this way would help with the third point:
“I just came into an amount of money that allows me a lot of financial freedom. I love you, and I love both of your kids. Because I love all of you, I really want to contribute to your kids’ growth and future wherever I can that is comfortable for you. I would love to contribute to what your kids need and want as they grow as well as to their futures. Please let me know if there are sport or hobby activities they want for which you are comfortable with my making contributions. Likewise, I would love to give to them for college or trade schools, their weddings, or their first houses. May I give them cars when they get their licenses and you feel they are ready for that responsibility? I just want you and them to know that I am grateful and happy to be part of your lives. I consider you my family, and want you and them to know I’m there for you in that light.”
NTA. The 2m can accumulate up to 2.5mil by the age of 12 making it even at the same age. Either way it’s a gift and you can disperse how you feel.
Fund annuities for each that provides them each with $X dollars at 18 for educational purposes, with the remainder distributed at age 25/28/30 (pick one- likely the later the better).
They’ll get the same result, but will cost more to fund the 12 y/o’s bc there’s a decade less of interest accruing.
Youre not TAH. Its a gift.
I mean sure. 12f is going to collect the money sooner so makes sense to give her more.
2m will have an extra 10 years of earning interest on top of the 1.5 million.
Either way theyre both millionaires. If the manage their money well they will both never have to work in their lives.
If its easier to explain to your best friend, say about the earned interest. One thing i will say is, talk to your friend before making the trusts. Your friend deserves to have decision making on how these trusts are managed and under what condition. An 18 year old immediatelly having access to 2.5million dollars apl at once is actually a potentially very dangerous scenario.
To be fair 1.5 million over 16 years will likely be comparable to 2.5 million over 6 so you are not actually giving them massively different amounts.
NTA. You probably need to rethink making these irrevokable. Alot can change in th next 6-12 years.
NTA- simply because the other one is a 2yr old. Neither of them need that much money now so this will be invested. Explain to the parents that the 2yr old’s 1.5m has 10yr of compounding interest and will most likely be more than 2.5mil when the 2yr old is 12yr old. Actually it would be way more fair this way. By the time they receive this money, the amount will be different. Make sure it is invested safely – broad market etf etc.
Who in their right mind would complain of having 1 million pound less when they are now collectively 4 million pounds richers? Smh.
If she has a problem, that tells your everything.
Nta
NTA, but it wouldn’t change anything on how you feel to give them an equal amount of money. You may be more connected to the 12 yr old, but the difference in amount could cause other issues in their house
or… and hear me out… don’t give anyone any money and mind your own business.
NTA 2m has a dad. 12f does not have a dad. It’s not equal it’s life. 2m does not call you mom. 12 f does. You may see it as a godmother you are giving him something it’s not like if you did not plan to give him anything and even if you did for me it’s not a problem the kids needs to learn that they won’t have the same opportunities.
I don’t think you should tell them until it necessary. Knowing there’s a large amount of money coming in the future can change people.
NTA, in 10 years the 2m will have around $3mm based on a conservative 6% return.
As long as you are investing the money, then essentially it’ll even out by the time that child is 12. This is in fact the equitable route.
NTA – the 1.5 if invested will grow to over 2 million in 10 years at a modest interest rate.
Don’t “give” either kid the money. Split it evenly and set up trust funds to finance their education (and any medical emergencies) and they can have the rest at 30.
Tell her the 2 year old has more time for the interest to accrue and it will be equivalent when he comes of age NTA
NTA if you end up doing what you’re saying, however it may cause some problems now and down the road.
Why not gift the same amount to each child (1.5 million) and put that extra million you were originally going to add onto 12f’s share in your own separate account for her that you manage. That way each child receives an equal gift, no resentment to build over childhood, and you are still preparing for 12f’s future. You could even add a small amount each year to bulk the interest that adds up. Gift her the final amount when she is 18 or old enough where you feel she can manage her own money. These kids are really lucky to have you, but you don’t know what’s going to happen once people find out you have this money (worried about adult reactions not children). Having a separate account that only you have access to could be a safety net in case anything happens within your adult friendships and relationships.
I’d say set up the trusts and don’t tell anybody. In fact, don’t tell anybody that you’ve come into money at all. Once people get a whiff of the level of generosity you’re thinking of, you’re going to have a long line of people at your door and the question about giving these children different amounts is going to be the least of your worries. Everyone that knows about your generosity and feels entitled is going to hate you because you can’t give millions to all of them. Be prepared to move away to somewhere nobody knows about you.
NTA. You can explain it as much or as little as you want. If you want a non-controversial excuse. You could say that a 10 year head start on savings/investments like that makes a big difference.
Tell her 2m gets the lesser amount because he is ten years younger, that ten years allows his amount to grow that 12f doesn’t get.
You’re saying two contradictory things that I just want to point out. You’re worried your friend will resent you for treating the kids differently as she views them as equal in everything. At the same time you’re saying 12f doesn’t have a lot of the things 2m has, like new clothes etc. If their mom treats them equally, how is that happening, and how could she hold that against you?
Nta but id strongly suggest giving both the kids the same amount.
NTA for gifting different amounts. This is actually technically more fair if you factor in how that money will impact their lives. By the time the 2m gets to be 12, he’ll have as much, if not more than 2.5MM in that account if invested properly.
You MBTAH, however, if you gift literal children that kind of money and let then know about it. That kind of money will seriously and dramatically change the course of their lives, and it might not actually be for the best.
This totally undermines their Mother and the manner in which she wants to raise her children and is 100% overstepping.
It’s not wrong to want to offer such generous gifts, but you should do so in collaboration with their Mother. That kind of money, like you say, is lifechanging… but it’s also peoplechanging.
NTA But I wouldn’t explain it in the way you have here. The fact she doesn’t have a father to support her is an adequate reason. Suggesting that she is a “black sheep” or that you’re closer to her than her brother (even though you are) is likely to cause upset.
I think its a great idea, and the 10 yr diff in ages means his will compound MUCH more than hers. I haven’t done the math, but there are compound interest calculators online where you put in a starting amt and interest rate and it will tell you what it will be over time.
Visit one of those sites. If your goal is for them to have similar amts at 18, you may need to have the older child’s starting point higher.
I would go with this logic with your friend. Its math and not disputable. Then setup something where you can help out the 12f right now. Either paying a child support type amt or something else to ensure her current needs are met.
Be very careful how you set these up. We’ve all heard horror stories about trust mismanagement and a step parent draining a trust with fraudulent withdrawals. Lock those babies down hard.
Make it so the kids cant blow the principal. Maybe at 18 they can get an allowance based upon the quarterly interest, re-invest half interest and let them have access to the other half. Who knows…
Maybe a trustee board as multiple people are harder to corrupt than 1. Your legal advisors should know what to do, just encourage them to add a lot of protections and not go the simple easy route.
Put safeguards so if you pass b4 they hit 25, its still safe.
Why can’t you help buy her new clothes and toys now if she doesn’t have this?
You can explain the difference in the gifts as due to one’s challenges that may make life more difficult, when the other does not have those challenges. It is still an extraordinarily generous amount of money to gift any child.
Dang and I’m just her wishing for a new vacuum for my birthday. Good for you OP, that’s extremely generous!
NAH, your money, do as you please!
Yeah I would phrase this different to your friend. Instead of talking about the money you are giving now, show what the money will be invested at their 21st bday or retirement. You will see the younger kid actually got the better deal. My dad did this with mine and my brothers kids. He weighted the gift based on age and what it would be when they turned 60 at average S&P. Also if they do say anything just explain to them not to look a gift horse in the mouth, you made their kids millionaires before them.
Solid friend. The 2 year old has a 10 year headstard on investing. He will have more money when he becomes an adult so it is fair.
NTA – Set up the trusts how you see fit, but make them revocable. BF does not need to know the amount or that they are different. Let BF know that you have taken upon yourself to make sure that both kids have their education and future secured and how happy you are to do this for them.
Out of curiosity, do you also intend to gift your BF a large sum of money as well? Not that it matters but if you also intend to do this for her immediately it would alleviate any concerns for her own future and make it less likely that down the road she will attempt to guilt you into accessing the money for the kids. But make it clear it is not a marital gift so husband has no claim to the money in event of divorce.
honestly that sneaky move is kinda genius lol
“I grew up as the black sheep of the family and did not get the same opportunities my siblings did and has had a lifelong ramification.”
You answered your own question.
NTA. What a blessing for both children and your friend.
At 2 years old you have no idea what kind of struggles or difficulties may occur over his life. Could you perhaps set up a trust for their healthcare and another trust for their education and/or “get started in life” for money to be able to take low-paying jobs that give you valuable experiences and connections, money, funds to buy a house, start a business, etc.? As someone who did not come from money those are the three areas that if I’d had them sorted I could have gone on to really live up to my potential without being hamstrung financially.
Breaking things up that way makes it less about specific dollar amounts and more about equitably giving these kids the best start in life that will he transformational.
I think it’s fine. Phrase it that 12F is older and will need the money sooner than the 2-year-old. Invest that money in the trust in an S&P500 index fund or a Total Market index fund. That money will grow for the next 16 years to at least the amount that the 12-year-old is getting.
I really hope that your friend has the grace to not complain about such a gift!!! That would be abhorrent.
NTA, it’s your money and it’s nice you are giving the kids that much! I would be shocked if the mum complains. Tbh it does make things alittle awkward but 1.5million is insane like I won’t even make that in my lifetime!
Okay YTA for this specifically because the first part of your explanation for the discrepancy all came down to you like her better because you’ve known her longer.
Everything else is entirely legitimate but you should think about how much that first thing is weighted on your list
I would give the same amount but at 18, the 12f will have an account she can access on her own assuming she can/will handle money responsibly. You can send her to a preferred university, maybe with her own apartment. You don’t have to give everything at once, but also make it known in your will.
NTA, set it up and don’t tell them the amount and make it where it gives them a amount each month to not waste it. Don’t tell people about your money.
you cant be TA when you are giving millions away to someone elses kids!
I say set up trusts without saying anything and have an attorney contact them when they can start receiving the money. You are a great friend!
NTA. And if she’s mad about it she’s not a friend.
However an easy way to frame it is that 2m still has another 16 years (or more depending on how you set up the trust) of interest gains. It’ll be worth far more.
Leave it in a trust