My partner has children (teens) who visit every other weekend. They do not currently stay over night, this could change due to an upcoming court date.
We have a house together that we own.
Partner has not told the children about me.
We didn’t meet until after they split up. We have been together a couple of years now.
Every time the children visit, I have to leave the property, not only that I have to make it look like I do not even live there, I have to hide my possessions. Where we live I do not have any friends locally or family.
This means driving 2-3 hours one way to get to a family or friends house.
There is an upcoming court date where the children may possibly be granted access to stay over (when and how many times per week I do not know until it happens).
This leaves me in a difficult position, if it is midweek I truly have nowhere to go. I need to stay within my local area as I work a community based job and need to be available Monday – Friday for any urgent alongside my work. Even if it is the weekends I would still not be able to access my own home for the duration the children are there.
Partner says they will do it eventually I have been doing this for the last few months and it is taking a toll on my finances and my health. I have spoke to partner and said this is not viable or fair on me, partner has to come up with solutions, even more so if the children stay over midweek or the whole weekend Friday – Monday morning.
Partner tells me they have no solutions. Partner does not even offer money for the extra fuel, this is being put on my credit card.
I cannot afford to rent a property on my income (apprentice income), I would have to move back into my parents and find a new job, leaving my apprenticeship and not gaining a qualification.
WIBTAH If I told partner I was ending it because this is having too much of an impact on my physical, emotional and mental wellbeing?
Comments
Why the heck can’t you stay in the house when the kids are there?
Honestly this is massively unfair to you. If I were you, I would end it and force sale on the house.
NTA
Why would you buy a house together with someone like this??
Op, he has not told them about you despite you being his partner for years at this point? and you’re considering sterilization for this loser of a man?
you can do so much better than this. you should’ve left him yesterday
Your partner utterly sucks and this relationship is already over. If my husband ever pretended I didn’t exist, he would be an ex so fast. You 100% deserve better. I’m not sure even couples therapy could fix this level of disrespect. It’s like she’s ashamed of you. Two years is plenty of time for those 2 children to acclimate. At this point, your partner is stringing you along.
Personally, I’m petty, so I would make sure to tell her ex and kids about the situation before leaving. Go scorched earth on the way out the door.
your partner is making you homeless so their kids don’t know about you, you’re not in a relationship you’re a dirty little secret. nta
If you own the house, why are you leaving? That’s crazy. If this is not a made up story, tell him to figure out arrangements since he has the problem.
I get that blending families is complicated, but if they’re old enough to be teens, they’re old enough to know their parent has a partner. Hiding you isn’t protecting them, it’s avoiding awkward conversations. And you’re the one paying the price for that.
What the fuck is their reasoning for completely hiding you from his family?
If (s)he wanted to just spend some time purely with his teens, if (s)he doesn’t see them regularly, I could understand them wanting more space. But then the logically solution wouldn’t be kicking you out of the house and hiding your stuff? It would be something like have you out during the day, but spending evenings at home. Or rather: them going out for a day out and then coming home to you in the evenings.
Do you really want to live with and have a relationship with a person who doesn’t even want to introduce you to their family? I get wanting to ease the kids into having a relationship with you, by not forcing them to be with you every second they are over at your house, but hiding you completely is the complete opposite.
You can walk away whenever you want — you don’t even need a reason!!
Is the home your partners or do the two of you own it together?
You’re getting kicked out of your own house?!? To keep TEENAGERS from knowing that you exist? GURL. This is NUTS.
Info:
Why won’t he tell the children about you?
Why have you put up with it for so long?
Do you own the house together or lease it?
You haven’t explained WHY your partner hasn’t told their children about you
What a mess!! Force a sale on the house and break up. And next time dont buy a house with someone who is afraid of introducing you to their kids and family.
You bought a house together with all this shit going on? Get out of this relationship or whatever it is you call it.
I’m sorry, you own the house together? As in both your names are on the deed? If that’s the case tell him to get bent and don’t leave. He either likes it or lumps it. Is there much difference in age between you two? If he’s a lot older he’s basically treating you like a child and a live in booty call, not a partner.
If he doesn’t accept you as an equal partner then it’s time to end it. Stop contributing for the days you aren’t there until you can break away. Keeping you hidden is never a good sign. For one thing he’s lying to the courts and if he gets the kids overnight under false pretences the mom will rain hellfire down on both of you.
Edited to add, you are very careful to say partner and use no pronouns. Is this a same sex relationship that your partner is ashamed of, or scared will affect custody?
NTA but you’re an idiot to have bought with a man who thinks you’re a dirty secret
Own a house and you can’t live in it? Who’s going to make you do it? And he won’t even subsidize you. Sell the house and leave this loser.
NTA….this just sounds too complicated to work out. You just have to be clear that you are no longer able to leave your own house. It’s not working out. You don’t even have to tell him all the reasons. And it’s actually quite rude that he offers no extra money for you to leave towards gas…..but are you married or not? It sounds like you keep everything separate in terms of finances which feels off.
Now, what you have to decide is – since you own the house together, are you both on the mortgage AND the deed? If so, then you have to give him a clear concrete choice – does he want to sell the house, so you each get half and then go your own ways? Or does he want to buy you out, pay you for half the market value and does he qualify to refinances and put the mortgage into his own name? (to get you off of it so you are not responsible)
You’re not the asshole being forced out of your own home isn’t fair. If he won’t fix it, leaving protects your well-being
NTA, obviously. But why do you even leave your home, that you co-own with your so-called partner? Why would you remove yourself so completely from your own home?
You are in a relationship with your “partner” for years, you bought a house together and they didn’t even once tell their children, that they are in a relationship?
Your “partner” has zero respect for you. Separate, sell the house and find someone who doesn’t hide your existence from their family.
He’s asking you to move out of your own house girl.
NTA but this is over. Time to end the relationship and sell the house. Do not move out! If he’s uncomfortable it’s more likely he’ll agree on quick selling or will come up with funds to buy you out.
NTA
He’s kicking you out of your own house?
Nope. End it, sell the house. He doesn’t respect you. I’m not sure he even likes you tbh.
NTA. But the fact he had no visitation and no overnights is a red flag. His ex doesn’t get to dictate that if it’s court ordered. I’d say there is a LOT you’re not being told and the kids would spill all the secrets if you met them.
This way of living isn’t sustainable
No, just no, surely you don’t have to really ask of this is a stupid setup?
This is your home! You having to move out for 50% of the time is ridiculous.
Sorry, lady, seriously, you’re in a committed relationship, he’s got a side chick that’s a secret from his family. You deserve so much better than that, I’m so mad on your behalf and I dont even know you!
You’ve been together a couple years now? And they don’t know you?
What could possibly be the reason you can’t live there? These kids are teens. Makes no sense.
NTA- you leave a house that you own together? And he doesn’t compensate you? Listen, I know kids come first and they should but what he is asking of you is crazy- and odd.
Your partner is so selfish, and foolish. I can’t believe you’ve been doing this.
Tell him it’s his problem to work out, you’re no longer leaving your own house and then let the cards fall where they may. If it’s really that important to him he’ll come up with a plan. He doesn’t need to now because you’re twisting yourself in knots accommodating him.
And then get therapy for your self esteem.
You own the house, you leave it to accommodate him and children, why? He may have told the court he’s not cohabiting to his own reasons. Don’t leave your relationship or home yet.
Suggest, up till the next court date, he will contribute towards a hotel and other expenses for you. Regardless what happens on the court date, afterwards you will not leave your home again & it’s up to him to discuss his living arrangements with the kids.
LOL what? This is your house, he can’t make you leave. Stay, let him explain he has a girlfriend, and deal with the outcome of that. Better solution would be to leave the man who is ashamed of you somehow, sell the house and start over. I can’t believe you let him do this to you.
Girl. Have some freaking dignity!!!!!!!
See a lawyer. Sell the house. Leave the emotional abuse.
You need to get financial smart before making more emotional decisions
YATAH to yourself. Grow a spine. Put your foot down. If your partner wants to kick you out constantly, force the sale of the property and get your share, leave him, and move on.
If your partner’s judge or other parent find out you exist, and they will, their custody will be fixked up even more…. Nta
Why don’t you just… Not leave?
According to your post, you also own the house, right? So just don’t leave when he asks you to.
Also, definitely talk to a lawyer about what your options are regarding the house if you leave.
NTA. It’s time to break up and move back home. Your partner has absolutely no desire to tell their kids about you. You’ve already been WAAAAAY more than accommodating than most people.
Nta. Wake up, love, this guy is a nightmare. Do not leave your home. He needs to make other arrangements. Ultimately, this can’t go on. Demand the house is put up for sale. Go your own way. Let him deal with his own drama, caused by him.
Just because they want you to leave, doesn’t mean you have to leave. This is half your home too. Refuse to leave. When the children show up… Time to meet and they will then know. If you partner doesn’t want that to happen.. They can leave to a hotel. Stop putting up with this treatment!
You are absolutely INSANE for even moving IN with this person! Why did you BUY a house with them?
However that’s hindsight. If your name is on the property as well, I absolutely WOULD NOT leave. I would tell my partner THEIR kids THEIR problem. You’re making this too easy for them. You have no idea if there is an ACTUAL court date or not, and still, that could drag out for years.
If you want things to change, you have to make this uncomfortable for them. Tell them actually no, youre not leaving. Your name is on the property as well (assuming it is) and youre deciding to stay. Since its their kids, their problem, and their week, THEY can decide to uproot THEIR life for the week. THEY can decide to go rent a hotel or an air BNB or something. There will be push back and a fight, but hold your ground. If not youre going to foolishly give up your home and everything you’ve worked for. This sounds fishy anyway. I would not let this happen without a fight.
If the house is in your name too, tell partner you aren’t leaving when the kids visit. Sucks they don’t know but they will now know about you. Then talk logistics of how to sell the house and properly untangle finances. Partner can buy you out of your half of the home or the other way around.
You’re a dummy the courts would have had to be made aware of his living arrangements before granting visitations meaning he deliberately lied about you to the courts. His not scared of losing visitations because now the courts are involved short of him abusing his kids he can see his kids. You got tricked into helping him purchase a house. The fact you bought a home with a guy who had issues with his custody arrangements in after only dating two years and no other commitment is downright crazy. He is not even divorced but still legally married? A fool if i ever saw one. Get out of that relationship and put that house up for sale. You’re ridiculous. Also how did he lose custody for two years and no contact when his legally still married to his wife? Something about this is completely off and makes no sense.
Why can’t they know about you? That alone should be reason enough to question this relationship.
If you’re an owner of the property, you say you’re not leaving. He can tell his kids about you or he can take the kids to a hotel.
If you aren’t an owner, walk away and find someone who isn’t an A H.
Your “partner” committed to buying a house with you but hasn’t bothered to tell his kids about you? Hell no.
Either he actually communicates with the kids or you leave. YWNBTA.
NTA except to yourself. You’ve been together for years now. There is a very simple solution to this problem and your partner not telling them is a pretty big red flag.
WTF absolutely stupid situation!
Leave your partner and get half the house then they will have to get a dinghy flat to host the kids in
Alternatively your partner could GROW up and tell the kids
Put you first
Why is noone asking about how he is still married and hasn’t started divorce proceedings? It doesn’t even sound like he has left his partner. You sound like the mistress. Are you sure they aren’t together and you are the side piece? Why would you buy a home with someone with no respect for you and isn’t even divorced yet? Why go along with his demands that you leave? They are his kids he can leave if he wants just don’t leave when he asks or tells you too. Let him sort it out. Doesn’t matter if he doesn’t know how; don’t keep leaving as the solution. This is insane. He is completely disrespecting you and you are letting him. His family might be covering for him. Finish your course refuse to leave the house and kick him out or force the sale of the house and get a partner who respects you. Learn to respect yourself first and not make excuses for some guy who treats you like a dirty secret. Man I hope this isn’t real.
Y T A to yourself for not only staying with someone who hides you like a mistress, but BUYING PROPERTY with him?!?!?! Wtf?! Get some self respect and a lawyer to force the sale and get you out of this.
This is genuinely absurd. You cannot possibly be this stupid.
Oh hell no. Refuse to leave again. You live there. He tells them now or finds somewhere else to stay with them. Time to show your spine.
You should’ve left when this started. It’s not practical.
NTA
This setup is insane and you never should have agreed to this charade even once
The two of you have been together for years and you own a house together. You do realize that the proper solution to this problem is not to hide you, but to actually get married. Because the court looks more favorably on married people when it comes to kids. But at this point and with what they’ve done I would not want to marry them.
Sounds like your partner needed just a little extra income to buy themselves a house.
How have you even agreed to this in the first place? Pick your self respect from the floor and go where you are loved!
You don’t have a partner. You have someone that is using you.
There is no guy on earth that is worth this.
Dump him immediately. NTA
I would say sure, but then when they leave, he has to move completely out and leave no trace for the next two weeks. I’m mean since this is a 50/50 partnership and home
He owns a home with a woman he is literally forcing into hiding? Wtf is wrong with him
GIRL — NO
He owns a home with a woman he is literally forcing into hiding? Wtf is wrong with him
GIRL — NO
Why are you staying with somebody who treats you like this? Force the sale of the house. Get your money out of it and move on.
Did you at least see them? Anyway break up wtf?
OP, the fact you have actually been accommodating this ridiculous request for months now is baffling. You co-own the house!!! You have every right to be there. If your partner can’t handle that, HE needs to rent a place for when the kids visit.
Or better yet, dump his sorry ass. Then seek out a therapist to find out why you have so low self esteem that you went along with this. You will be taken advantage of for the rest of your life if you don’t address the issue.
If you own the house with him, simply tell him no.
He can be the one to leave the house.
If you break up he’ll have to pay you out your share.
You own the house equally?
No is a complete sentence. No, you will not hide. No, you will not leave.
He can either share the truth with the teenagers or rent an apartment for HIS custody time. I guess the kids can visit him in a hotel.
NTA
But time to put on your adult pants and just stop leaving. You own the home too and partner cannot make you leave. So he can go spend money on a hotel for him and his kids if he doesn’t want them to see you. This is his problem so stop making it yours.
NTA.
There is a difference between asking a new partner to not be around when the children are first over, and asking the co-owner of the house to pretend not to live there.
Absolute madness.
If this a true story, then you should get your head out of the sand and tell them NO. If you are both on the deed, it’s YOUR HOME too and you have every right to live in it AS YOU PLEASE.
If you read this and say, but its complicated. No, its not.
You need to stop leaving, stop being an asshole to yourself, you need to out your foot down and tell your partner that he needs to figure it out, that it is also your house and you are no longer leaving.
Why would dating again have any negative effect on his custody? This is ridiculous. He is being unfair to you, obviously, but also unfair to his kid to not share his life with you.
NTA, and, just so you are aware, he is hoping that you do break up. He is trying to be intolerable enough to drive you away so that he doesn’t have to do the break-up and can pretend to his friends that you are the bad guy. May as well leave; you want to, and he wants you to.
Sorry, I’m going to be a bitch here, probably, but you need to hear the harsh truth.
YTA to YOURSELF.
You are completely fucking spineless. You’re letting this man kick you out of the house that YOU LEGALLY OWN WITH HIM, repeatedly, enabling him to carry on this pathetic charade.
For what? So his ex doesn’t get upset, is that the excuse he gave you? Don’t make me fucking laugh. There is not a single custody court out there that will care about a father having a girlfriend living with them except extreme circumstances like abuse.
He hasn’t divorced yet. He’s hiding you from his children. You are the mistress, the side piece, the other woman.
You’re damaging your finances and your future career by doing this. You know this damages you in multiple ways.
Yet you keep letting it happen???
Where the fuck is your sense of worth? Your self respect? The bar is so god damn low it’s a trip hazard in hell, and you’re still looking to lower it further.
You are the most spineless person I’ve encountered on AITAH. For fuck sake, stand up for yourself a bit more. NO man is worth this. Not a single one.
If you own the house with your partner, stop leaving. He will need to rent an Airbnb when the kids visit or come clean about your existence. Tell him you are done leaving your own home.
You own the property? Time for your partner to get over being uncomfortable. I would not be going Anywhere from here on out. In fact if partner doesn’t want too introduce the children to partner I would be selling my share of the house
You can ALWAYS end a relationship, no matter the reason.
>Every time the children visit, I have to leave the property, not only that I have to make it look like I do not even live there
You live there. You own it. So no, you don’t have to fucking go anywhere. Even if there’s a reason you legally are not allowed to be around children, and if that’s the case, then that’s pretty fucked up but you don’t have to leave.
If your partner wants you to leave your own damn house, then he needs to find you accommodations and he needs to pay for them.
Every day I am thankful that my parents made sure that I have a spine and don’t allow anyone to treat me like that.
ESH
If you don’t want children, don’t get involved with a man who has children.
Why would you purchase a home with a man to whom you aren’t married and who keeps you a secret from your children?
Your bf is an AH for keeping you a secret and making you leave your home when his children visit.
YTA and it’s because you agreed to this ruse. It is insane. Time to end this farce.
Let me fully understand this:
You own the house jointly.
You actually leave and drive hours to find somewhere to stay.
You have to wipe your existence from the house temporarily.
YOU ARE BEING TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF.
Sell the house and take your share and get the FK away from this person.
Just say no and let him figure out how he is going to handle it. After that, tell him it is time to put the house on the market or he can buy you out. If he refuses, let him pay the mortgage on his own until he agrees. This man is a loser and you are better off rid of him.
NTA. Dump this looser. If you purchased the house together make buy you out at current market value or force a sale to get your money back.
You do not have a partner, you have a roommate, and not a very good one. You are not part of his family or his life. You are the side chick. Stay in your home. He can tell his children or visit with them elsewhere. BTW there is no reason not to tell the children unless he still wants to get back with his ex eventually.
You’ve been together for 2 years and your partner does not want their children to know about you? Something about this post makes me think the partner is hiding something about this relationship because of the repercussions. Same sex? I don’t think your relationship is going anywhere. You want a partner to show you off and allow you to be involved with the children. This isn’t good for your wellbeing so I’d say end it and move back with your parents. The change of jobs isn’t great but it’s better than being in the situation you’re in now.
You are an AH to yourself. Kids should of know about you long before yall bought a home together. Leave, force a sell or them buying you at, and get some therapy to figure out why you was okay with all of this.
He has not told his kids about you, and you own a house with this man? I can’t believe you are moving out of your home every other weekend and hiding your stuff when they stay over.
This is a huge red flag, and things will not get better. You need to end this relationship now and force the sale of the house.
He’s not telling the kids about you because he still wants to fuck the mother.
He’s a pathetic coward. Dump his arse & findsomeone who doesn’t expect you to hide.
Certainly an impossible situation.
The move is to wait until he’s at work or something and pack up and leave. Then lawyer up and force a sale on the house or make him buy you out of your half. I’d say this arrangement hardly qualifies as a relationship.
Your partner is embarrassed about you, is hiding you and probably has another partner during the time you are expected to disappear and leave no trace. Have some respect for yourself. Get an attorney and force the sale of the house. Get away and have a better life. Your partner doesn’t like you and does not respect you. You are to be used for sex, cooking their meals, doing their laundry and keeping the house squeaky clean for their other partner. Respect yourself and stop this utter nonsense.
Nta. Tell your partner either he tells the kids and you stay or you’re dumping his and forcing a sale of the house. (Assuming you are both on the deed.) So either he’s going to tell the kids about you or he’s going to be struggling bc he won’t have a place for the kids to stay. Those ads his options.
Make the sale of the place and move on
Have you considered that the reason your partner’s ex doesn’t want him around the kids is because he’s a crazy person? Seriously, nothing about this story makes sense and the fact you accommodate his crazy making is wild. NTA but you’re acting like a helpless infant instead of an adult.
Solution: grow a fucking spine
People will treat you as a doormat, only to the extent you allow them to do so.
NTA
Also if the house is in both names, he needs to buy you out, or sell it.
If your name is on the deed/lease – don’t fucking leave the house. PERIOD.
Time for kids to know you or time for partner (&you) to sell home and split the money.
NTA – I can’t believe you’re still with this person. Can you buy out their part of the home? Get out of the relationship but keep the house.
2 options, tell partner to give you gas money & hotel money until you finish your apprenticeship and can afford your own place or find a new roommate and finish your apprenticeship. Either way finish it and dump the partner.
Tell your partner they can leave with the kids. That you are not being kicked out of your own house any longer effective September 1.
They need to explain their living situation to the kids and to the courts.
Nope, they should have told the kids about you once the two of you moved in together. NTA
YWNBTSA
this is YOUR hous as much as his. WHY would you move out?
You bought a house with a man who hasn’t told his children about you? YTA
You own the house jointly, stop leaving. He can tell them you live there too, or he can rent them hotel rooms and stay with them there if he wants to pretend you don’t exist. Stop wasting your money for such a stupid reason.
Wait… (cue record scratch track) you own the home together? Oh, this would be a hell no. If they don’t want to have the children “live“ with you when partner is on their time, they could rent a small apartment that they could have them at. Time to put your big kid pants on straighten that spine and say you’re not leaving. And your partner can figure out what they needs to do around that. It’s their problem to come up with a solution not yours. NTA
Good grief, why why do you have zero self esteem? No one in their right mind would put up with this nonsense. He doesn’t need to come up with a solution that you wait patiently for- you need to grow a back bone – sheesh
Nta but why did you buy a house with this coward that disrespects you so much. Why are you making it look like you don’t live there, that should be him, not that you should be leaving at all.
Get rid of the trash
Do you have any self respect?
It’s your house and you shouldn’t have to leave every two weeks just because he can’t grow a pair. I would just start refusing to leave and tell him to figure it out himself.
You are his roommate. You don’t mean that much to him. I would move along.
i feel like I say this a lot here, but still. You can end a relationship for any reason you want.
This is a really good one, though. This is no life.
Either he can go hang out with his children somewhere else not in your damn house or he can move the fuck out and have a place where his children can go. Either way I would put my foot down and tell them you were not leaving any longer it is his issue to figure out from now on.
This can’t be real. You bought a house with someone who is hiding you from his kids? lol ok
You own the house jointly yet you are expected to bear the cost of an alternate living situation caused by the partner’s family situation? Your partner has created this situation and should bear at least half the cost you incur regularly.
NTA. This person isn’t giving you or your relationship the respect and devotion that it deserves. You’ve been making sacrifices with the disappearing act every other weekend. Find someone who appreciates you and the extra mile you’re willing to go to make things work.
NTA. If I was living rent free in my partners home “maybe” I would consider this bottom of the barrel treatment. To be booted out of a home you own – absofuckingloutely not.
Get your home appraised and have your partner buy you out at fair market value. Do not sell at the price you bought the home for. Equity has been built up in your home and you’re entitled to it.
Also, if you’re on the fence, really think how this will play out. Even if you are introduced to the kids today, the world they believe to be true is vastly different than reality. The kids are going to think you’re moving into THEIR HOME. You’ll be looked at as an outcast and inconvenience in a home you bought because they believe you don’t belong there. If you tell them the truth, that you and your partner bought it together, they will be angry at you and your partner for lying. They’ll probably forgive their parent because that’s what kids do, but they will take their resentment of the situation out on you. This won’t end well for you either way. End the relationship and get your money out of the home.
Separate and sue her for your interest / investment in the house. NTA unless you stay.
What does “we have a house together” mean? If it’s your house you should not be leaving.
It’s beyond me how you accepted this situation at all. Hope you find a real partner and don’t lose too much money to this spineless loser.
he’s using you because he couldn’t buy the house without you. Get a lawyer, force the sale of the house and use your half of the money to buy yourself something. This man does not care about you or want you.
U KEEP saying partner, but how is this a partnership exactly? This weird dynamic features one person, that has everything done 4 them and has ALL the considerations and a ghost that hates themselves. The partner isn’t coming up with solutions because, y would they? They’re getting EVERYTHING out of the deal and don’t even have 2 finance ur heavy inconvenience. U don’t speak of luv so leaving 4ever shouldn’t be 2 difficult. He can buy u out of the house after u get ur certifications and u get outta there! The fact that u so nonchalantly write about this like it’s just a regular thing shows ur numbness. I feel afraid 4 u. U said the parents know about u so THEY’RE in on it!😒 RUN!🏃🏾♀️NTA♥️
Of all the types of scenarios seen on here, this is likely the dumbest ever. How you chose to allow yourself to be treated like this baffles me. Read your original post back to yourself a dozen times. It’s stupid. Have some fucking self worth here.
You have to be married. My decree kept us from cohabitating with girlfriends/boyfriends.
Teenagers can handle that dad has moved on from mom. But once they find out that he’s lying to them it will backfire on him. Or you can dissappear and make it easy on him…
Why would you agree to this in the first place? YTA to yourself. Has some respect, for you.
You own the home together? If this is correct, do not leave. Stay put and he figures out what to do from there.
You know this is no way to live OP. You either end the relationship or he/she tells the children about you.
The hell are you doing, bro?
Refuse to leave your own home until you pass and then leave him!
OP, you are enabling this behavior and your partner sees no reason to change the pattern. People treat you the way you ALLOW them to treat you. Their fear is overwhelming any concern they have for you. They also might feel like you are trapped and don’t have any say. Change the narrative!
If you’re partial owner of the house, why can’t you live in a separate room when the children come or what’s the reason he can’t be truthful about your relationship. There is no way I would play along with his shenanigans to convenience his ex. She’s probably a bitter b…h. You’re stressing yourself out fo him and that’s crazy. If he wants to continue the shenanigans ask him to buy you out and let him and his children have the house.
For clarity, you bought a house with someone whose children do not know you exist ?
This post is un-gendered and everyone is jumping to presume.
It truly doesn’t matter how you identify. Everything about this is fucked. You should have never agreed to BUY a home with someone who demanded this.
Time to put on your big boy/girl/adult pants and stand firm.
You are absolutely not leaving anymore. They can do with that what they will, but you are no longer leaving. They have the issue, so they have to figure out how to adjust from now on.
Sell the house and find a partner that not ashamed of you and wants you around… this guy’s NOTHING! But yet you’re leaving your OWN home for his comfort! What does he do to comfort you? This relationship sounds as toxic as it gets. Why would you ever agree to leave the house? Quit being stupid and pull your head out of your ass.. and open your eyes! This guy is not the one for you! Don’t waste anymore time with this chump and do not leave the house and hide your stuff because he wants you too. NTA for the question – but you are if you chose to stay and continue to be his doormat!
Time to sell the house, get your half and go on your way. The way he’s handling this is underhanded and sneaky. He’s not a partner, you’re a secret side-piece. NTA.
OP, this is absolutely crazy, and your partner is a BIG ASSHOLE.
Let him buy you out of the house you own together, and leave that man.
TODAY!
ESH. A house you both own. You bought a house together under that you can only live in every two weeks? I have no words. You did this to yourself.
Ok, I’ve read a bunch of your replies.
This is beyond ridiculous. This is your home.
He’s hiding you from his kids, for court purposes, doesn’t make sense.
Put on your big girl pants and stay.
He needs to figure this out , NOW
Ummmmm if you have a house together and you’re both paying on it (whether you own or rent) you should NEVER leave….if he doesn’t want to introduce you to his children then it’s his responsibility to get a place without you!
And honestly why do you even want to be with a person who will get a home with you but not introduce you to their children…that’s NOT a relationship that’s a situation-ship…
HE can get a second place to host the kids if this is the idiotic route he wants to take. It is YOUR house too, so he absolutely cannot kick you out anytime, much less every other weekend or some shit. Tell him to go get himself an apartment if he’s going to be this insane. No fucking way toes his stupidity kick you out of your home. REFUSE and stop arguing about it. His his whacked out problem!
Why did you purchase a home with someone you are not legally married to? That was your first mistake. Secondly, why is he keeping you a secret?is he ashamed of you? Would his children react badly? Would their mother react badly? None of this should be your problem. I would 100% leave. He can buy your share of the house.
nta. Don’t leave this time or ever again. It’s your house, stand your ground. Your partner can take them somewhere else if they don’t want the kids to see you.
Why on earth did you buy a home with a man who is hiding your from his children? Something seems REALLY off here. Is he still married?
WHY are you allowing this to happen. It’s YOUR house. Simply tell he NO. You are not leaving the house. He will need to rent an Air b&B or stay with relatives when he has the kids.
Tell him the only way you’re leaving the house is if he buys you out and removes your name from the mortgage. Be clear those are the only options.
This is so fucking stupid.
I’ll tell you a story. I was young and dumb, early 20s, meeting a dude at his house. We were talking and all of a sudden he told me I had to hide in the closet.
I said wtf? He said his daughter showed up announced and he didn’t want her knowing he was seeing someone. I said absolutely not. That’s dumb.
Afterwards I left and never spoke to him again.
You’re at a big old age, contributing to the household and you allow him to treat you like this?
Why?? You’re the asshole to yourself.
Do better.
>WIBTAH If I told partner I was ending it because this is having too much of an impact on my physical, emotional and mental wellbeing?
Nope. NTA.
Since you own half the house, you will need to discuss how to settle that property. They can buy you out; you could buy them out. You could sell and split the proceeds. Or, if none of those work, perhaps you could continue to live there– not leaving at partners pleasure– and your partner can just tell the kids that you are half owner and explain the relationship no further.
Since you are broken up, you will no longer need to comply with the odd demand you decamp merely to salvage the relationship. You can just exercise your rights as half owner.
NTA
Have him buy you out of the property and move on.
You keep using the word “partner” to describe this person in your life, I encourage you to look up the definition of that. You have a mortgage with this person but can’t even live in your own home and their kids don’t know about you?? Say no. Refuse to leave your home as this is a problem of their making. Is there an age gap here? Why the power imbalance? NTA and you deserve better than this disrespectful mess.
I say this with kind intentions: You are best to leave this situation entirely.
You have been with your partner for years and have had to keep ‘erasing yourself’ from your home repeatedly. If he truly cared about you long-term, his kids would know about you by now.
You deserve happiness with someone who will publicly acknowledge you.
Before you do anything, even another “this isn’t fair to me” conversation see a lawyer. It certainly is not fair to you, but play along, so you can find out how to recover money you paid into the mortgage.
Why isn’t he taking the kids somewhere else? if he doesn’t have them over night he can go to the mall, park, anywhere for the day,
Why are you putting up with this?
Why in the world did you buy a house together with this man?
Anyone considering buying a house with someone they’re just dating, needs a legal cohabitation contract drawn up that lays out how the property will be disposed of, and proceeds distributed, in the event of a breakup.
If you’re married, a judge would determine this as part of the divorce process.
If you’re not married, you may end up spending years in court fighting an equal owner, and you might have to continue to live together while dating new people.
Legally, he cannot force you to move out every two weeks. You could just tell him you’re breaking up with him, and you and your possessions are staying in your home, and then you two would go through legal battle if you can’t agree on selling the house.
NTA
You own the house together and have been together for several years?
This is not a problem that you should be trying to solve. This is his issue.
“I’m glad the kids are coming to visit. Enough time has passed. I’m not leaving my home anymore. If you need help figuring out the transition, let me know. Otherwise, I’ll be here next time they arrive and look forward to meeting them. ”
Also, with a court case coming up, I’m not sure what his issue is. It can only help his case that he has a long term live in partner that he owns a house with. It shows stability and courts like to r two parent/ adult households.
I would say, and I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, that while your partner is being an AH, to have allowed this to an extent. He’s obviously uncomfortable or scared to break the ice, so he’s just been putting it off, and you’ve allowed him to, and its made things ‘easy’ for him allowing him to shirk the harder parts of parenting (having difficult discussions with the kids, etc. )
You could leave the relationship, but before you do, maybe try standing your ground first and see how it goes?
If he still insists, then I fear there’s something else or more to the story that he’s not telling you.
If a relationship has been ongoing for YEARS it is either time for him to tell his kids you’re together or for you to GTFO.
If you don’t leave the house as requested it’s gonna solve the problem for you. You will either get introduce or he will find other options.
Time to GTFO of that mess!
Why did you ever agree to this? It is insane. It was insane the first time and you’re insane for going along with it.
You do realise this isn’t a relationship. I assume you cook and clean or something? All he wants is a housekeeper. He won’t even pretend you’re his partner. It’s utterly disgusting and you really need to ask why you ever allowed such a thing.
NTA, though maybe a little for staying with this guy for so long. You’re sounding a lot like his secret side piece, not his partner. You can do so much better than this treatment.
ESH, primarily to yourself. Why did you buy a house with someone who won’t introduce you to their kids? Goddamn.
Absolutely not, time to uncouple!
Never buy a home with someone you aren’t married too!
Not sure where you’re located, but apprenticeships in trade can be lucrative, especially if you travel. You own a house together. Your partner needs to buy you out, giving you some income, and you need to leave. What the fuck are we doing here in 2025 where you buy property with a loved one, move in, and their kids know nothing about you?! Let’s work on our self esteem here love. This is absolute insanity.
I’m struggling to comprehend why you would purchase a house together with this person.
I have a relationship with a woman with a young child who I have not met and do not intend to meet until she is probably a teenager. We have separate homes, and we see each other when her child is not with her. I also have adult children who she has not met. Neither one of us are really ready for that yet, but we are in a serious relationship.
Buying a house together with this person was a giant mistake. You need to own that first before considering what to do next.
I think you should stop referring to your partner as partner. They are not! The fact you can’t get a straight answer on why you can’t be introduced to the teens is lame. Sorry.. but you are the TA for not leaving the ‘partnership’.
Why are you leaving a home you co-own? It’s up to your partner to tell his kids about you, or let him inconvenience himself and his kids rather than force you from your home, OP. He’s being cowardly and selfish. If I’m reading this wrong, please correct me.