Hello THT and FKS family❤️,been listening since the start of both pods and love you all as if you were family you get me through my days of cleaning and motherhood! This is my first ever Reddit post and I am not the best at writing out a story so give me some grace lol but here it goes! me (27F) and my husband (30M) have been married for almost 10 years. Been together 11 years (16 and 19yrs old) and have 3 kids, 8,6,and 4yrs old, I am having a now 9 year ongoing issue that only seems to be getting worse.
So here is the issue, My husband is a PC gamer. I did not know he was THIS into games until about a year into our marriage, he’d play the Xbox every now and then but didn’t have a PC until about a year into it. He works full time, comes home and goes straight onto his computer, he is off 3/4 days a week and has at least our 4yr old if not all 3 kids and plays all day with the OCCASIONAL break to play with the kids or make them food. Same for the weekends if we don’t have plans outside the house. It wasn’t always this bad but has been the last few years.
I work full time as well Monday-Friday until 5pm so I don’t get home until dinner time and then bed time, I get home and whatever cleaning I did the night prior is completely gone and a mess all over again. So then I spend the entire night I have cleaning up again. Every single day for the last 8 years I have not gone 1 full day without cleaning SOMETHING. Which understandably so when you have 3 KIDS, 4 if you count the 30yr old man.
I have had serious conversations with him about this, our last one being not even a month ago. Explaining how I need help and I feel alone in this and I can’t keep the house up myself. He promises to do better and does for a time and then slowly regresses back into it. He has depression sometimes and ADHD but won’t express how he’s feeling but even when I’m down I still have to be a parent..
sometimes he whines at me to clean or do the laundry which just makes me even more resentful. He will do days where he will do everything that 1 day and then that’s his excuse for the week to do nothing at all. When he does all the laundry, he doesn’t fold it, he piles it up for ME to fold when I get home from work as an example. I am exhausted and at the point where I honestly think being a single mom would be easier than this.
I love my husband and so do my kids but even they complain about his gaming but when he isn’t he’s a great dad but obviously that’s not that often but maybe a few hours a week …
So would I be the asshole if I tell him it’s either me or the F****** computer?! 🫠 cause I don’t even think there is any options left to get it through his thick skull.. thanks for reading and any opinions or suggestions 😭
Signed a exhausted, anxious, stressed full time mother/worker
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Backup of the post’s body: Hello THT and FKS family❤️,been listening since the start of both pods and love you all as if you were family you get me through my days of cleaning and motherhood! This is my first ever Reddit post and I am not the best at writing out a story so give me some grace lol but here it goes! me (27F) and my husband (30M) have been married for almost 10 years. Been together 11 years (16 and 19yrs old) and have 3 kids, 8,6,and 4yrs old, I am having a now 9 year ongoing issue that only seems to be getting worse.
So here is the issue, My husband is a PC gamer. I did not know he was THIS into games until about a year into our marriage, he’d play the Xbox every now and then but didn’t have a PC until about a year into it. He works full time, comes home and goes straight onto his computer, he is off 3/4 days a week and has at least our 4yr old if not all 3 kids and plays all day with the OCCASIONAL break to play with the kids or make them food. Same for the weekends if we don’t have plans outside the house. It wasn’t always this bad but has been the last few years.
I work full time as well Monday-Friday until 5pm so I don’t get home until dinner time and then bed time, I get home and whatever cleaning I did the night prior is completely gone and a mess all over again. So then I spend the entire night I have cleaning up again. Every single day for the last 8 years I have not gone 1 full day without cleaning SOMETHING. Which understandably so when you have 3 KIDS, 4 if you count the 30yr old man.
I have had serious conversations with him about this, our last one being not even a month ago. Explaining how I need help and I feel alone in this and I can’t keep the house up myself. He promises to do better and does for a time and then slowly regresses back into it. He has depression sometimes and ADHD but won’t express how he’s feeling but even when I’m down I still have to be a parent..
sometimes he whines at me to clean or do the laundry which just makes me even more resentful. He will do days where he will do everything that 1 day and then that’s his excuse for the week to do nothing at all. When he does all the laundry, he doesn’t fold it, he piles it up for ME to fold when I get home from work as an example. I am exhausted and at the point where I honestly think being a single mom would be easier than this.
I love my husband and so do my kids but even they complain about his gaming but when he isn’t he’s a great dad but obviously that’s not that often but maybe a few hours a week …
So would I be the asshole if I tell him it’s either me or the F** computer?! 🫠 cause I don’t even think there is any options left to get it through his thick skull.. thanks for reading and any opinions or suggestions 😭
Signed a exhausted, anxious, stressed full time mother/worker
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
It is an ultimatum but it’s not. I mean if he continues this and loses his family, it’s a consequence of his actions. He can’t expect you to do everything and him nothing and it just be ok forever. He is pushing his family away to the point he will lose you. So no. You would not be TA.
Don’t phrase it as an ultimatum. Let him know that you are not going to continue to be in a relationship with someone who makes your life harder and not easier. This happens 1 of 2 ways: 1. He changes his behavior, permanently, which means getting help for why he is addicted to video games, because you can’t trust that him changing his pattern of behavior is not just a short term stop gap to shut you up. Or 2. You remove yourself from the relationship. It’s not an ultimatum, it’s a boundary you are setting. You are telling him what you won’t continue to do. It’s his choice if he wants to change to keep you.
NTA, I hear you, and this sucks. You’re right, you have a fourth kid. I don’t know if this yet calls for an ultimatum, but you need to have a serious conversation about time limits with his gaming. For example, he can game whenever he’s done helping with the chores/kids during the week, and maybe a bit more on weekends. But if he won’t even negotiate that, or if he slips back into old habits, an ultimatum could be necessary. It probably is a good idea to clearly communicate how badly this is affecting you. You could even try to take some time away and leave the kids with him (it’s not babysitting, it’s being a father).
Ultimatums almost always backfire.
Prediction: He will do what you want and resent you forever.
OR
He will tell you “Goodbye.”
Updateme!