It’s my daughter’s birthday coming up. For her birthday, and Christmas last year, I’ve provided lists and photos with ideas for what to get my daughter because they ask for ideas as they don’t know what to get. I include prices of varying degrees because I don’t know their budgets, and where to get them from. I also say it doesn’t have to be from the shop I chose, if they want to look for similar things elsewhere.
I provide those ideas to both of my brothers, my mum, and my ex (my daughter’s dad). My brothers choose something not in the list, but that my daughter likes. I appreciate the effort they put in especially when they don’t see her often because of distance. But both my mum and my ex, instead of just choosing something and telling me what they got (so I don’t get it too) they ask me to just pick something and they’ll give me the money. I ask how much they want to spend etc. and never really get an answer.
Eventually I just pick something and they’re okay with that, and I make sure they get the credit and “thank you” from my daughter. Except, I’m resenting that they’re not putting in any effort.
My ex doesn’t have 50/50 custody because he doesn’t have space for her to stay with him or time with his altering shift pattern. My mum works part time.
AITA if I refuse because I hate the extra effort that I have to put in on their behalf? These are the 2 people who are closest to her besides myself.
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It’s my daughter’s birthday coming up. For her birthday, and Christmas last year, I’ve provided lists and photos with ideas for what to get my daughter because they ask for ideas as they don’t know what to get. I include prices of varying degrees because I don’t know their budgets, and where to get them from. I also say it doesn’t have to be from the shop I chose, if they want to look for similar things elsewhere.
I provide those ideas to both of my brothers, my mum, and my ex (my daughter’s dad). My brothers choose something not in the list, but that my daughter likes. I appreciate the effort they put in especially when they don’t see her often because of distance. But both my mum and my ex, instead of just choosing something and telling me what they got (so I don’t get it too) they ask me to just pick something and they’ll give me the money. I ask how much they want to spend etc. and never really get an answer.
Eventually I just pick something and they’re okay with that, and I make sure they get the credit and “thank you” from my daughter. Except, I’m resenting that they’re not putting in any effort.
My ex doesn’t have 50/50 custody because he doesn’t have space for her to stay with him or time with his altering shift pattern. My mum works part time.
AITA if I refuse because I hate the extra effort that I have to put in on their behalf? These are the 2 people who are closest to her besides myself.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be the AH because if I don’t put in the effort, my daughter might not get anything from them and feel like they don’t care about her. I feel like it would be punishing her.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. A lot of people discount the emotional labor that goes into things like buying additional presents on behalf of people.
And they shouldn’t expect you to do it. They are adults, they presumably know how to pay for groceries and pay their bills – there’s no reason they can’t buy a present.
Is your ex bad?
NTA
Side issue – do people ask you for ideas/ a list?
NTA. Your ex needs to step up. He is still her father, for your mother it is more understandable but still lacking as a grandma in my opinion.
You shouldn’t have to provide ideas is someone who barely sees her can pick out a gift knows she will enjoy it. It’s unfortunate the dynamic you are in, i really feel for you op.
nta. if you declining to do every part of getting the gift instead of just most of it means your kid gets the idea those people don’t care about her, she will actually be right about that.
you care. you put in the effort to show you care. you don’t need to also do a whole mirror show to pretend other people care as much as you do.
of course, i hope your mom and ex will actually get their act together when you stop carrying their load in addition to your own, but if they don’t it’s not a failure on your part, and pretending doesn’t actually help as much as we’d like.
she has you. she has your brothers.
NTA
>These are the 2 people who are closest to her besides myself.
It’s about time to consider that maybe just because they are biologically closely related to your daughter, doesn’t mean they actually care that much about her or share a close relationship with her.
NTA. Had do that for my own gifts for years and it sucks. But a parent not bothering is pretty bad.
Many years ago, I had to decide what to do about my mum’s “gift” giving. She likes to just give me a lump sum in November, for everyone for Christmas. So, myself, my 2 daughters, son, granddaughters.
I decided that in order to get each person something they’d really like, I’d let her do that. She gives me the money, I buy and wrap for all “my” family. My sister does the same.
However, I do not pretend that my mum has shopped! Everyone knows my mum paid but I put in the effort!
NTA I’m gonna suggest they’re the 2 people closest to her cos of the work you’re putting in. If they think they’re that close to her they should put in the effort too
He’s your ex for a reason. Stop doing his errands!
I don’t know how old your daughter is, but if she old enough, let them talk to her about it.
If she’s old enough, just tell them to give her money or vouchers in a card. That’s what kids prefer anyway.
NTAH
NTA. I’m torn between whether it’s worse in the long run for you to enable his terrible behavior for years to come, giving him no incentive to step up and be a parent, or whether it’s worse for your daughter to find out sooner rather than later that her dad can’t be bothered to do the bare minimum, because at some point she will find out. I’m guessing this is not the only way in which he’s abdicating his responsibility to do the mental and physical labor of parenting.
Her grandma’s behavior is disappointing too but it doesn’t rub me the wrong way as badly as a parent refusing to parent.
NAH
I understand the frustrations with this situation.
Was it always like this? Therefore the list? Was your mom n ex behavior the same when it came to your gifts? You can be disappointed and hurt but not surprised.
, that’s just who they are and they will never change. (My parents were the same.)
That being said, look at it from a different perspective, your daughter will never get a gift she doesnt want or need. None of those cheap 99cent quick makeup, assesories, or purse. It will always be given with love .
Believe me, when she gets older, she will know what you done for her and how much you love her and spare her the hurt n disappointment from her Gma and father. If she doesn’t already.
Would you rather your daughter receive what she wants/likes
Or
Be disappointed getting crappy gifts or money just thrown at her.
Either way, those two will not change, just be selfish and get what you think she wants/needs with their money (extra money to spend)
In an ideal world they’d change and make an effort But that doesnt mean they dont love her.
Still hurts
😢💔
The lesser of 2 evils.
Youre a good mom.
Take care
Good luck
NTA, but only if they haven’t been criticized or ridiculed for gift choices in the past. Honestly, since nobody follows your gift lists, it would take less time and mental labor to just call them and tell them you’ll pick something up when you’re already out shopping for your daughter.
Be as upset as you want. But you can’t make them do what you want and your daughter is the one who suffers in the end. My grandkids make an Amazon wish list. It’s pretty simple and makes shopping very easy. I also pick them up other stuff, but their other grandparents use the wish list exclusively since they don’t see the kids as often as we do.
NTA. Both my ex and his mother order gifts online for our kids and have them delivered at my place (the kids know their budget and send them the links to click on, they started doing that when their father thought he proved smart by telling them he’d just typed “gift girl age 12” on Amazon). Neither of them ever bothered to ask me to wrap their gifts for them. I have always done it, for my kids, I would just appreciate the polite effort.
NTA – send them a link to something online that she’d like and tell them they’ll need to order soon so it gets delivered in time. Then forget
My mum is 87, I usually send her some ideas but she’ll buy it online
Stop saying yes and they will stop asking. You are doing this to yourself.
You’re NTA.
With gifts it’s the thought that counts. Clearly there’s no thought at all going into gifts for your daughter. Zero thought deserves zero credit.
I’d suggest that – using distance and convenience for them as the reasons – they get your daughter a nice card and pop some cash into it. If they give her nothing, it proves they’re the assholes. You can’t keep up the pace of thinking and shopping for them forever, and you shouldn’t have to. I don’t know how old your daughter is, but she’ll understand one day.
NTA, but stop buying presents “from” your ex and mom. At most give your daughter the money they give you. I would maybe do that for your mom, but tell your ex you are no longer his servant, since you divorced, and he can run his own errands or explain to his daughter why he doesn’t care enough about her to bother getting her gifts.
NAh
If they’re capable of either going online or to the shops, which most prople are, then NTA
NTA…”Mom, Ex, I have enough to do. I gave you plenty of ideas. You know daughter. It is not that hard to buy a gift for your child/granddaughter. You don’t even have to leave your home. Order online.”
They should give your daughter gift cards/tokens, and you should get the fun of going to the store with her and teaching her how to choose something in her budget.
And if she’s too young for that then you choose with the gift card.
She gets to see that they got her a present ie the gift card, but they didn’t choose something for her.
NTA. Tell them to send a card with $$; surely, they could handle that! Your daughter can save it or spend it.
NTA
Just warn everyone now that you won’t be doing the gift shopping for anyone. Give ideas like: she’s into horses and has X and y toy already so don’t get them. Repeat that you aren’t doing the shopping any longer. Just refuse to do it. If daughter doesn’t get gifts refer her back to those that couldn’t be arsed to put in any effort.
My child and I live states away from all family. They have no idea what my child is currently in to. Every year I make an Amazon list for my child and send it to anyone who requests it. They don’t have to mail or shop. This helps a lot! I highly recommend.
NTA If they don’t or for some reason can’t put in the effort to get a gift then they can get her a gift card.
NTA not your job and it’s not hard to just buy something online and have it shipped to your place. Your ex and mum are showing a real lack of caring.
NTA, dude I brought my nieces handmade crochet gifts and my dad drove my family and I up to them to give it to them (the drive is only 40 minutes, but it’s the favor he’s doing for me or else he wouldn’t go) and he likes to claim it and say “It’s a gift from all of us.” Like no tf it’s not 🤣 im glad they’re not dumb and know i make it with my own hands and shit
Send them shopping links (not photos or ideas) and Don’t include items that you want to buy. Then tell them they’re on their own.