First of all, I would like to say that this is ridiculous and not a big deal but for some reason it became one. I (25f) had an impacted wisdom tooth that was wrapped around a nerve. While I was pregnant. I asked him (26m) if he could call the dentist bc it hurt to talk. He said no. Now it’s 1 year later and he now has an impacted wisdom tooth and I sympathize with him but he asked me to call the dentist for him and I said no. His mom is now asking me to call for him. I said no. He’s upset about it. Does this make me an asshole?
Edit: I ended up calling anyway because I felt bad
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team
First of all, I would like to say that this is ridiculous and not a big deal but for some reason it became one. I (25f) had an impacted wisdom tooth that was wrapped around a nerve. While I was pregnant. I asked him (26m) if he could call the dentist bc it hurt to talk. He said no. Now it’s 1 year later and he now has an impacted wisdom tooth and I sympathize with him but he asked me to call the dentist for him and I said no. His mom is now asking me to call for him. I said no. He’s upset about it. Does this make me an asshole?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I didn’t call the dentist for my fiancé who cant talk because his wisdom tooth is impacted
2) I could be seen as the asshole because Im not calling the dentist for him when he’s in pain
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
ESH – You two are too immature to be parents or get married, yet here you are having done/going to do both. Grow up.
ESH. Are you both so averse to making actual phone calls that you won’t help each other when you’re in need? Grow up and agree that next time it won’t come to this.
You’re keeping score. That means you don’t have any business getting married.
This is a situation that should have been discussed and resolved a year ago. Not to be used against them at all later date.
ESH.
He needs to be a partner and help out the person he claims to love and care about
And you need to communicate with him and resolve issues as they arise and not throw it in his face when it suits you.
NTA. Why should you help him if he didn’t care enough to help you?
A relationship based on constantly getting each other back will make both of you bitter and mean. Be better or leave. Couples therapy is for more than broken marriages.
I see that you’re hurt by how he treated you during a vulnerable time, and your feelings are completely valid. But it’s worth asking yourself a few questions: Are you repeating the same behaviour to make him understand how it felt, or is it coming from a place of wanting to punish him? Or is this response even truly reflective of who you are?
Just because we were treated unfairly doesn’t mean it’s okay to mirror that back onto the people we care about. You have every right to be upset and to express those emotions, but communicating openly about how his actions affected you is a much healthier and more powerful way.
He was the AH. You’ve made your point. You could call & let him know, in the future you will treat him how he treats you. Respect is a two-way-street. If he hasn’t apologized, I would be hesitant to call.
I mean… he’s an adult. You can’t. Adults have to make their own healthcare arrangements. No responsible medical office should speak to anyone but the patient for their care—unless they’re incapacitated. He’s just lazy.
while i love how petty this all is, ESH
i think the reason why this has become such a big deal is because it IS a big deal. you are PARTNERS, so you both need to sit down and figure this shit out. No more bean counting, no more tit-for-tat BS… you’ve got a child together and they need parents who can communicate and cooperate in a mature and healthy manner. y’all are teaching your kid some weird shit about relationships by playing these petty games when it comes to health! and caring! and supporting the ones you love!
should he have helped you in the past? yes. should you hold that against him? probably not in this particular way. potentially you two could use couples counseling to help you guys in the right direction.
also i’m laughing that his mother is involved with this?
ESH – Are you both incapable of making phone calls yourselves?
Situations like these are why they shouldn’t have removed the justified asshole judgement! Yta, but I get it.
What are you trying to prove by doing the same thing?
Far too often these silly, small gestures become so huge in the future that a relationship becomes too broken to repair.
Instead, could you make the call for him while also letting him know calmly how it made you feel when he refused to do so for you? Remind him that you are in a partnership and should have each other’s backs.
We can often help others to grow by setting an example ourselves, instead of playing silly games
Tit for tat is a horrible way to be in a marriage
Why are you even together if you tit for tat grudges for a year? ESH!
Nta for not calling he’s 26 and most likely the dental office will want to speak with him . Both of you are adults and should be making your own medical appointments
Hang on… his MOM called YOU to ask for you to call??? Mommy can call her own damn self if she’s trying to meddle in your relationship like that.
Yes, ESH, but I’m not even mad at you about it. My petty ass would do the same thing.
NTA…sauce for the goose
This sounds very childish and petty. Hopefully some mature thinking prevails in your relationship quickly
This future marriage seems like a dream…
I see your point but his bad behavior doesn’t excuse yours.
NGL, I think you’re both TA. But at least you got your petty revenge!
ESH/NAH.
Look, turnabout is fair play.
But similarly, you know what he did wasn’t right and was hurtful. Doing the same thing won’t be right and will be hurtful.
NTA so he can call his mum but not his dentist?
NTA. He didn’t want to take care of his pregnant fiancé by making a 2 minute phone call then he has no right to expect you to call for him. If he can cry to his mommy about it, he can call the dentist. And if his mom tries asking you to call again, tell her to do it.
ESH. He was a ah for not calling the dentist for you and you are the ah by retaliating like a child.
NTA. If he can complain to his mother, he can make the call.
To hold onto this for a year is wild.
Why do you guys need to call for each other?
Good lord, everyone here sucks and needs to grow up.
And now you two have brought an innocent child into this dysfunction.
ESH. Him not doing it for you is an asshole move, no doubt. You not doing it just to get even is perhaps a bigger asshole move. Ever heard of the high road?
NTA “why would you ask me to do this for you, when you would not do it for me?“
NTA, for not calling the dentist. But you’re a little bit for not respecting yourself more. When he refused to help you, that should’ve been your sign to nope out of there. Why is he your fiance?
NTA you’re just giving out the same energy, hope he sees it
esh. Sounds like an awesome relationship, really just always there for each other
NTA. Your actions fall under the “justified asshole” exception in my opinion.
I might have just let him stew for a few hours to make a point and help him learn to be better, but the moment he contacted his mom to harass you, the situation changed.
At this point you need to hold the line.
You should also not be doing any wedding planning. He needs to grow up and demonstrate that he’ll actually care for you and your child, and you both need to work on communication skills.
Yes. Yes you are an asshole. And so is he.
This is not how a relationship should work. You should want to help your life partner when they need help. A marriage / partnership is a Team Sport, not a solo gig.
Enabling misery and pain in each other is… well, it’s pretty damn toxic and unhealthy.
I was thinking your an ass, right up till I read the part where he refused…. lol screw him let him learn a very important lesson in life. Dont screw the mother of your child she’s gona remember
ESH. Nobody can make a five minute phone call?
NTA at all, he can reap what he sowed, but the bigger question is why did he get with someone he doesn’t love?
You are not the ah. Tell his mother to call. No one should think differently when we do stick up for our self they say put on your big girls’ pants. This isn’t any difference.
NTA. If he can call his mom to complain about you he can call the damn dentist.
Why are you with a guy who
1.) wouldn’t help you get medical care when you were pregnant and
2.) feels the need to get his mom to fight his battles for him with his fiancé?
As someone who can hold a grudge, I can understand wanting to pay someone back in turn, but this sort of dynamic bodes incredibly poorly for a romantic relationship. ESH, him more than you, but this situation seems less important than what this says about the relationship you two have overall. Do you want your kid to grow up with parents that act like this?
Be the bigger person and call but then also remind him how he refused and you were also pregnant and you’d like him to give some thought to how that felt for you.
Ehhhh I’d make sure you remind him of what happened a year ago WHILE PREGNANT no less. If he apologizes, make the call and have a productive talk once he’s been treated. If he wants to dig his heels in and not apologize, well, mommy clearly knows how to use a phone. But I’d also look into couples counseling or you’re going to have a long, miserable, tit for tat marriage on your hands.
ESH. Your relationship sounds very transactional. Do you like your fiance? It sounds more like you resent him. I strongly recommend relationship counseling before you marry
Nta. And I can see where this relationship is going because I’ve been there.🚩 get into some kind of counseling now if you’re not already. The resentment is growing….
ESH – partners do things for each other and take care of each other. I get your reasoning and you have a right to be hurt. Once this dental issue is resolved, you both need to have a look at what type of relationship you want to have.
ESH
You for not calling the dentist yourself. You’re talking to your fiancé, you can talk on the phone.
Fiancé for calling mommy rather than the dentist.
Fiancé’s mommy for meddling, though this could turn out to be a blessing in disguise as you start to realize the rest of your life will be like this.
I think the issue is a grown man and father tattling to his mother. Going to guess this isn’t the only issue with MIL and her mommy’s boy.
ESH, but I get it.
Keep in mind resentment is a relationship killer
Tell his mom to call
Don’t marry this person. Sigh. If he won’t take care of you when you’re pregnant and in pain, then a petty tit for tat response is not the answer. The answer is to break up. Is being alone really so terrible that you’d rather have this???
This is concerning. ESH. And it does seem to be a big deal ,If you are holding on to this, there must be other stuff too. If he said no to when you had asked Im sure he has said no to other things. Tit for Tat, him calling his mommy to complain and her calling you????WTF!!!! So if the baby cries, do you get up but the next time he does?? You changed a diaper, now its his turn and the diaper doesnt get changed because ‘I did it last” Dishes in the sink??? I washed mine this morning. Mom , she wont wash the dishes boo hoo poor widdle babeee boy. You guys need to grow up, help ea other out, not refuse to be kind, dont keep score
This is childish. He shouldn’t have done that to you and I get it hurt your feelings but you guys cannot go on neglecting each other this way. This could lead to other “tic for tac” behaviors. Plus you guys have a kid?! Start acting like adults who love each other and have a family. Right now you guys sound like babies raising babies… Part of having a family is taking care of one another.
Not sure the adult brain is fully developed by 25 like they say. This is far too childish. No one is asking for too much, but people are definitely being hypocritical and jackasses.
NTA, he did the same thing to you but WHILE YOU WERE PREGNANT.. and he couldnt call the dentist but he could call mommy?! but i’d still seriously reconsider the marriage if you both are constantly getting back at each other instead of talking about your problems like adults. or at least consider counseling.
ESH
He sucks for not doing something easy to help you when you were in pain.
You’re an AH for staying with someone that calls his mommy on you and just lets you suffer when he could help you.
This would be fixed if he became your ex-fiancé.
YTA because you called for him
NTA. i see your edit but anyways you’re not the ahole
Hes a grown ass man, he can call. He set the standard, you’re simply following it
ESH, if you truly cared about this person you would treat them how you want to be treated. In other words since you wanted someone to call the dentist for you you would call for him regardless of the fact that he didn’t call for you. Turn the other cheek lead by example there’s a million ways to phrase it.
He was definitely an asshole to begin with but two wrongs don’t make a right. I would call and then once he’s feeling better ask him to remember how he felt and tell him how disappointed you were that he wouldn’t help you when you were in the same position pregnant! He really needs to step up.
You called to make your dentist, so can he. NTA
NTA Sometimes people need a taste of their own medicine in order to learn
Karma is a bitch! Not you though OP, you are just the conduit. NTA
People die from impacted teeth, and it can happen fast. This is nothing to fool with for any reason.
I argued with my husband that I had an upcoming dentist appointment so I could wait. He was a hero! He called and almost carried me to the dentist. My dentist told me I would have been dead if I had waited.
Hubby had been out of town, just flew in with a long drive to our house. He was tired and jet lagged. Walked in the door and saw my jaw all swollen and discolored. He took immediate action. Cuz, ya know, he loves me.
You need to explain why. They he would not call for you, despite you being in pain. So you figured that is how things work between you. And then do not call for him!
ESH. I don’t understand why either of you would have to call for the other. Yeah, it sucks and hurts, and it’s difficult to talk, but you know neither of you stopped talking to people completely, with this pain. Either of you could have managed a brief phone call. Plus, each person knows their schedule best, so the party with the problem (the patient) should be calling to schedule it for when it best works for them.
As for the petty revenge, do as you will. I do believe that actions have consequences and that when someone consistently doesn’t match your effort, they should only get back what they give to you. I do think you should sprinkle in some communication about it, but in the end, stick to your guns, or they will only see it as idle threats and continue to take advantage of you.
This isn’t what you asked, but – why are you with this man?
He couldn’t make a phone call for you when you needed his help and you were in pain. Just stop the story there, because you’re an asshole to yourself for not dealing with his lack of support to the extent that you felt the need to dish out to him what he dished to you a year later. He absolutely deserved to be told no, from a just universe – but what are you both doing here, together, actually? What’s left of your relationship and what are either of you getting from each other if it’s not help and support and care, but it is petty and vindictive?
I don’t get how you can ask this. If you expect us to label him the asshole (which he absolutely was) for telling you no a year ago, you’re obviously an asshole for doing the same thing to him now. And you say it’s not a big deal, but it kind of is – if you can’t do each other even a small kindness in a moment of need, I don’t see how you can support each other with bigger things.
ESH, including (maybe especially?) his mom. An appropriate mom response would be to tell you both to grow up and be nice to each other because my twin 4 yo’s treat each other nicer than this.
NTA. He can call his mom to complain but can’t call the dentist?
I can’t believe all the people on here that want you to be a doormat OP. This is the perfect consequences for your action moment. No need for fights or words. He set the boundary, so be it. What about next time, and next time and next time… we’ve all seen right here on reddit what living life being the better person gets you. The life of a miserable, taken advantage of, resentful doormat. And everyone blaming you anyway. DARVO much
ESH, do you guys even like each other?, the vows say in sickness and health, but it seems like you two don’t care about each other when one of you is ill…