I, 15f, moved two states away from my dad, 46m, and step-mom, 45f, because my dad was emotionally negligent, pervy and let my step-mom be abusive, invasive and controlling. For context my step-mom threw shovels at my brothers, told me to cut my head off, called me and my brothers all retards, read my diary and skipped over everything that I wrote about what she was doing and yelled at me for wanting to move away to my mothers house, undermined me, took my bedroom door, slapped me and showed blatant favouritism to my three step-sisters and one half-sister whilst my dad compared my body to others and on multiple occasions made comments about my breasts which made me really uncomfortable. Whenever I asked him to teach me self defence, he wouldn’t teach anything and used it as an excuse to hit me. I moved two states away and into my bio mother’s house and now I feel safe but my step-sister is engaged and won’t let me attend her wedding because I don’t visit. I haven’t told anyone but my mom and my closest friends all of this because I don’t know how to tell my step-sisters. AITA for not telling her.
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I, 15f, moved two states away from my dad, 46m, and step-mom, 45f, because my dad was emotionally negligent, pervy and let my step-mom be abusive, invasive and controlling. For context my step-mom threw shovels at my brothers, told me to cut my head off, called me and my brothers all retards, read my diary and skipped over everything that I wrote about what she was doing and yelled at me for wanting to move away to my mothers house, undermined me, took my bedroom door, slapped me and showed blatant favouritism to my three step-sisters and one half-sister whilst my dad compared my body to others and on multiple occasions made comments about my breasts which made me really uncomfortable. Whenever I asked him to teach me self defence, he wouldn’t teach anything and used it as an excuse to hit me. I moved two states away and into my bio mother’s house and now I feel safe but my step-sister is engaged and won’t let me attend her wedding because I don’t visit. I haven’t told anyone but my mom and my closest friends all of this because I don’t know how to tell my step-sisters. AITA for not telling her.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) Not telling my step-sisters why I left. (2) They deserve to know and I might only tell the eldest to attend her wedding.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
You’re not an AH for not telling her. The multi-layers of abuse here are crazy. But, it might help if you did talk to her, explained why you don’t visit, and why you’re scared to go back. But, it really does come to it’s your decision to talk or not, and either way, you should feel safe. If this means missing out on her wedding, it is what it is.
Glad you have a safe home now.
NTA but just keep away from that side of the family. The wedding doesn’t matter to you.
NTA. Don’t bother going to the wedding! You were physically and emotionally and verbally abused so don’t even think about feeling sorry for cutting them off! If you want to I recommend seeing a therapist for possible PTSD and anxiety due to the abuse, but in the end, don’t go to the wedding. Don’t even send a card. Cut them off and don’t look back!
NTA if you decide to tell her, NTA if you decide not to tell her – both are valid options.
It’s also okay to decide you don’t want to attend your step-sister’s wedding, it could well be difficult seeing that portion of your family again, and there are other ways you could support her on and post her wedding than just going.
INFO why would you want to go to the wedding?
For context I was close to my step-sisters and they had no part in the abuse.
Not your fault. You did what you had to do. Share when you feel ready, not out of guilt.
NTA. You have by idea what her reaction will be which could cause more drama. But perhaps have a conversation with her and explain that you have reasons but feel is best to keep them to yourself.
NTA It’s up to you if you share or not, and neither option makes you an a-h.
If you do share, she may or may not respond well. She may not be ready or open to what you have to say. Keeping in mind that you are 15 and just recently moved to a safe space, before sharing you may want to make sure you have a trusted therapist or other adult in your life that help you make this decision, and, if you do tell, helps your process the response.
NTA I don’t think it will help telling them the truth. They’ll just see you as causing drama because you weren’t invited.
The other part is they may not believe you. Your step sister has a different relationship to her family so might not have noticed your treatment. Best to leave it and just send a gift and best wishes.
Do you think she would let you attend the wedding just because you explained how her mother and your father were treating you?
Truly, if she lived in the same house she should know unless she turned a blind eye.
Or, were your father and step-mother really that insidious in their abuse and was it only done when no one else was around?
Not trying to be cruel – just consider what your step-sister’s reaction might be. Will she believe you, or gaslight you? If you feel safe at the moment, it might not be worth opening that particular can of worms…
You’ve asked if you’re ta for telling, and for not telling, please edit the post for clarity about what you’re asking.
And definitely tell your stepsister why you moved away. It sounds like she’s hurt because you left the family and don’t see her anymore. But you left for self-protection. It is important for her to hear that from you.
Why would you want to attend her wedding?? NTA, and you’re better off keeping your distance!
NTA for any of this – but you know that your step-sisters probably wouldn’t believe anything you told them, plus given the fact that your bio dad & step-mom would be there would you actually want to go to her wedding?
You were the recipient of abuse. Not wanting to interact with your abusers or those who remind you of them is perfectly normal. If you don’t want to lose contact with your siblings, then reach out to them individually, but never put yourself in the vicinity of your abusers until you’re in a better space and have an ally with you, if ever. Your safety and well-being are paramount.
Surely they saw everything you just described, how can they not know about how you were treated?
NTA
You don’t owe anyone an explanation.
Simple don’t go to the wedding you do not want to be around all of them anyway.
Telling your step-sister your dad and her mom are monsters won’t smooth this. Unless the other the other ‘kids’ are also teens and need help escaping. Then speaking up might be what is needed.
What did Mom say?
Sister doesn’t visit you. Do you text/message each other? She didn’t invite you. I’m sorry.
Well, sounds to me like no love lost there!! At your age with all the chaos going on on your dad’s side, Your best bet is to stay away from him & focus on the kindness of your mom!! No adult male, especially a parent should make comments about anyone’s body, male or female, unless it’s a health issue!! Also in some cases siblings through marriage come and go!! My husband and I have a son together, and he has a son by an ex. The son from another mom cannot stand our son!! So, there’s never a guarantee you will get along!!