When I (46F) was ten, my dad left us. He had been cheating on my mom and had a child. He later came back but stayed in contact with his other daughter.
My half-sister would sometimes stay with us on weekends. My mom was nice to her, but it was clear she felt uncomfortable having her around.
When I was a teenager, my half-sister lived with us for a few years but, after I went to college, we gradually lost contact. A few years ago, our dad passed away. That was the last time I saw her. We haven’t spoken since the funeral.
Last year, my mom got ill. It was the hardest time of my life, and I went through most of it alone.
Last week, my mom passed away. I posted a short message on social media. Yesterday, my half-sister sent me this:
“I was really hurt to find out your mom died through Instagram. I know we aren’t close, but I still thought I would hear it from you directly. It feels like you completely shut me out. Your mom was never perfect, but she cared about me. I’m not angry with her, I am hurt that YOU didn’t even think of me. That hurts even worse than losing her.”
I don’t know what to say. The truth is my mom did not care about her. I’m considering telling her that but it might be too much.
Comments
YWBTA. That would just be cruel. You already didn’t tell her about your mom’s death. Don’t rub salt in the wound. What good would it do, other than to hurt her???
YTA, big time. Your dad is an unequivocal ass for stepping out on you guys, but your sister was a completely innocent party in this. She did not ask to be born, nor did she ask to be born to this situation. And like it or not, she DID know your mom and she DID get close to your mom and you taking out your petty feelings about your dad onto your sister, a victim of this circumstance as much as you, is a horrendous look for you.
What would be the outcome? Would it make any difference or make you feel better? As you weren’t close it is very reasonable that she wasn’t someone you reached out to individually, and it is a very trying time. She is being incredibly entitled to be fair. I bet your mum cared about her hairdresser and I’m sure you didn’t call them directly either. I’d let it go….. as my grandmother would say ‘only a fool argues with an idiot’. She is being very precious
I think the only real asshole here is your father. Your half sister certainly isn’t an asshole. It sounds like she was simply a victim of the life she was born into. You say that your mom never cared about her (which I obviously cannot confirm). But, she gave her a home part of the time. She allowed her to visit on weekends. So, unless your mom was openly abusive to her, she probably thought your mom did actually care about her. That probably felt like care to a kid.
You’re not an asshole for losing contact with her, but I do think it would have been nice if you had reached out personally at least through text or DM’s to let her know about your mom. But, I also don’t think you’re really an asshole for not doing that. However, I do think you would be an asshole for telling her that your mom didn’t care. That’s just cold, and would serve no purpose except to hurt her. I know you weren’t close, but you don’t indicate that she was a terrible half sister during childhood. So, is there a particular reason that you would want to cause her pain? I think YWBTA if you did this.
YTA. She’s grieving too, and kindness costs you nothing. Calling cruelty ‘honesty’ doesn’t make it any less cruel.
YTA. You don’t know that. Don’t speak for the dead. Grow up. You sound so hateful.
YTAH- My ex husband died recently. I contacted his old friends I have not spoken to in 35 years. It’s what you do.
YTA. She lost a parent figure too, whether or not your mom cared for her the way she did for you. Telling her “my mom didn’t care about you” would just be cruel and unnecessary. You don’t have to lie but you also don’t need to twist the knife when she’s grieving.
YTA
YTA, you did something shitty and came up with probably the shittiest possible thing you could tell her
I would just respond with, we haven’t spoken since Dad died, why would I think of calling you now that my mother passed away? We didn’t comfort each other for our shared parent why would I even consider thinking of YOU when MY MOTHER passed away? Had you still been in our life things would be different but as you said not only are we not close we haven’t seen or heard from each other in years. I’m sorry you felt hurt and entitled to mourn along with me.
Don’t tell her that. There’s no reason to hurt her while she is already processing the loss of someone who provided some stability to her life. I am so sorry for your loss and I know you’re grieving. I think telling your half-sister your Mom didn’t care about her would be something you eventually regret.
Ask yourself why you want to say something that could appear to be lashing out. You can certainly do and answer as you want. I’ve no idea what your mother thought as you have shared little, other than it appears your mother treated her well, no matter what she actually thought. Seeing how you feel, I would suggest a simple, curt reply of thanks for the condolences and then simply move on.
YTA. What good could come of it? How does that benefit anyone? At all?
YTA
Your sister seems very kind, you can take some notes from her. You’re almost 50, don’t take your anger out against your sister.
You lost your mother and her thoughts were only of herself.
She didn’t check in on her for what sounds like years.
If your mother had wanted to reach out to her, she would have.
I don’t think there’d be anything wrong with telling her that.
I’m very sorry for your loss. Your sister sounds like she takes after your dad. Only thinking of herself
YTA. Why you want to be cruel when you can be kind? She is not responsible for her father sins.
YTA. Kindness is free. Why is this even on your mind when you’re probably literally in the process of burying your mother. Dunking on your little sister who is an outside baby and likely felt uncomfortable her whole life? Seriously?
Nta – you were never close, lost touch as a result and you don’t owe her anything. Ignore the message. She can feel sorry for herself by herself.
YTP—you’re the psychopath. Who says that to someone even if it’s true?
YTA, you should have told her. Your sister is not at fault for the sins of your father. Your mother may not have been close with your half sister, but she did help raise her and played an active role in her life. You lashing out and taking out the anger on her just makes you a bitter AH. You could have at least sent her a quick text or message to let her know she had died. It would not have hurt you, and it would have been the right thing to do, whether or not you are close. Whether or not you want to share your mother, your mother had to have cared for her in some way, or she would not have played a part in raising her at all.
YTA if you respond by telling her that your mother didn’t care. Your mother probably felt sorry for her. She seems to have been very generous.
Your father is the biggest AH here.
Think long and hard before your respond.
YTA, I always find it weird when people’s first reaction to stuff like this is to post it on social media.
Your half sister lived with your mum for a period of time so yes she should have found out through you!
Instead of acknowledging your sisters hurt and apologising you come up with the the most horrid thing you can say to her to hurt her!
Frankly you should be ashamed of yourself. You sound like an awful person.
YTA. That’s cruel.
YWBTA if you say that. I would probably just apologize and tell her that you’re not close to each other and haven’t seen each other since your dad died, and you went through all of this alone and you’re grieving, and you didn’t think about her.
That sounds like it would be the truth. It wouldn’t make it right, but I think a lot of people would understand that your head is not focused on anything but your mom/grief/figuring out how to navigate without parents.
Your mother probably didn’t care for her in the way she cared for you – she’s your dad’s affair baby and was her step-child – but she did care about her enough that she was willing to have her in her home once your dad reconciled with her, and they probably did have a typical step-child/step-parent relationship. Maybe it was a care from duty, but your half-sister obviously felt it was something that was more good than bad in her life.
She should have been called, and not found out via social media.
YWBTA – whether it’s true or not, this would be an unnecessary and mean response. Leave it alone.
YTA just don’t say anything back if you don’t have anything nice to say
At no point in that message did she express condolences for you losing your ACTUAL mother, just me me me me me. I’m so sorry for your loss, I’m sorry that your half sister is being so selfish and entitled during your grieving process and I’m sorry that other users are coming down so hard on you. She JUST lost her mom, give her a fucking break!
If you tell her that, yes, you’re the asshole.
If you respond like that, yes YTA because what will that even do for you? You can hide behind grief so you can save face and you can make a pathetic argument that she “made it about her” but you know she’s coming from a well meaning place and you just wanna be a dick for no reason. Do better OP
I can see why you went through things with your mum alone.
This would be a horribly cruel response. You seem to take after your father and not you your mother who seems to have had the grace and care to support your half sister and not try to alienate that girl or your father from you.
Take a long look at why you are alone.
YTA
YTA
You’re entirely too old to be acting that vile. YTA.
I found out that my Mother-in-Law died via a post my nephew put on instagram. My partner had died 6 years previously and I had kept up occasional contact with his sister, but only his mum via his sister, living a long way away it was via text and email. I was upset she didn’t tell me and finding out via social media was shocking and deeply upsetting. I put it down to her being absolutely distraught. I guess I didn’t have a formal relationship with them any more because my partner had died, and maybe I wasn’t seen as family any more which upset me. I let it be, and sent my condolences, but it really hurt. Your half sister maybe focussed too much on her own feeling when she contacted you but slapping her in the face in response would just be cruel for no reason. Let her know you didn’t think to contact her because you are grieving and leave it be.
Small YTA. I know where your coming from but your half sister did nothing to deserve this. She is just as innocent in all this as you are. Please know this, your father is a dick but not you. Don’t try to break her heart like this. Reach out to her. Connect with her. I do that with my half sisters and brother and we’re all cool.
You don’t need to be purposely hurtful. You can 1. Not respond; 2. Tell her you had so many arrangements it wasn’t possible to call everyone; 3. acknowledge her feelings and tell her you hope to see her there.
YTA – whether you choose to believe it or not there has to be some sort of caring there for your Mum to allow your half sister to live with you all for years even though it made her uncomfortable. She didn’t have to do that, she sacrificed her own comfort to let her live with you. Does that sound like someone who didn’t care at all? Furthermore your half sister FEELs that she was cared for, what people consider to be caring is subjective there are no set rules.
So while you have your opinion that does not make it fact and I cannot for the life of me think, why you; a 46yr old grown woman; would feel the need to say this to your half sister, unless of course you just want to be mean and spiteful.
YTA she had a relationship with your mother. She lived with her for a time, and you didn’t even bother giving her a phone call to let her know. Now you want to go further by trying to hurt her? Why be so cruel? You know your dad is the one who had an affair. Your sister is as innocent as you in this.
don’t say anything. It was your mother’s truth to tell or keep to herself, and she kept it to herself. That said, your half-sister reaching out to complain rather than condole is pretty outrageous. If she cared about your mother, no one was keeping her from reaching out and having a relationship with her, but she never bothered. The appropriate response would be to ask her who the f she thinks she is to try to lay a guilt trip on someone who is mourning the loss of her mother. Take the high road and say nothing at all, and just consider this a person not worth having in your life.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your mother, and for the self-centredness and lack of empathy shown by your father’s other offspring. Be gentle with yourself and take the time you need to navigate your grief. (But don’t invite that woman back into your life, even if it’s to justifiably tell her off.)
It’s less about your mom not caring about her and more about you not caring for her. She just wanted to be informed of the death. She’s not saying she wanted to spend time with your mom. I would think she knew her place with her. This is about you not telling her that your mom died. She’s upset with you. Telling her that your mom didn’t like her is just meant to hurt her and she probably already knows the truth. I’d just say you’re sorry she’s hurt by this and you’ll be focusing on your family right now
She may have happy memories of your mom, despite your mom’s real feelings. Don’t reply to her with whet you want to say. It was not nice of her. You always have to give grieving people grace, and that includes her. So, keep it to yourself. I would respond to her saying “I was overwhelmed and putting it out was a way to let people know. If you had kept in touch I may have realized your feelings, but did not. If you want to attend the funeral “ fill in info. You don’t apologize but acknowledge her feelings YWBTA
YWBITH Instead of telling her that your Mom didn’t care about her, you could tell her that you did not know if she would be interested in knowing since she hadn’t been in touch with your mother for years especially while your mother was sick and dying. I think that your half sister is more upset about the lack of relationship between you two rather than your Mom. Since you didn’t reach out to her directly, it showed her that you really don’t consider her family but IMO, people who haven’t been in touch with someone for years, don’t deserve a personal text. I am so sorry about your Mom.
Honestly, the best thing would be to ignore her or block her especially if you have no interest in keeping in touch.
Now if you hate her for some reason then yeah go for it, tell whatever you want but you will be an AH then.
Just reply with, when was the last time you reached out to my mom? Then block.
She is just a distant person who is trying to intrude on your grief.
You just lost your mom (my condolences) and are not thinking clearly through your pain. Please don’t reply to your half-sister until you have regained your sense of balance in the world without your mom. Clearly, your half-sister has fond memories of your mom regardless of whether or not your mom shared intimate feelings with you negating that. And also your half-sister was hurt because she just learned that you don’t actually think about her at all, which is fine, you were focusing on your mom.
Please just apologize for not alerting her and say the truth, you were dealing with this huge imminent loss and you just were overwhelmed. Please don’t cruelly lash out unnecessarily and tell your half-sister something that might shatter her.
It will get better and I hope you are able to process your loss and find grace again soon.
She’s hurt that you don’t care about her.
NTA. Wow! She has a lot of expectations for someone who didn’t bother to keep in touch with you and your mom!
I’m not sure what good would come of telling her how your mom felt, but if she persists in laying a guilt trip, then by all means tell her.
Even if it’s true your mother didn’t care about her (and I doubt she didn’t care at all) your sister believes she did care and that means something to her so YWBTA if you said that to her. You should really examine what you are holding in resentment and work to let that go. She was a child, and it seems like you need to get some perspective as an adult if you are contemplating this.
OP, I absolutely get it. My Mom passed and a cousin called to fuss about not contacting them. Uhm… Grieving HERE People! As harsh as I usually am, verbally, I simply said “I can’t remember everybody, so expected others to spread the word.” Got off the phone. The longer I live, the more I realize people need to center themselves in everything.
Mourn your Mom, cherish your memories, let your siblings needs stay right where they are…with her. Not your Dog/Bone.
NTA. I wouldn’t tell her your mother didn’t care Why would she? But that wasn’t half-sister’s fault. It’s telling that half-sister was more upset about not getting special notice than she cared about your mother’s actual death. Just tell her you are sorry, and you didn’t know she cared that much.
I think your mum sounds kind. She made sure your sister didnt feel unwelcome in her home, and even if she didnt really feel it, she made her feel cared for. Don’t ruin that by lashing out at your half sister who’s a victim of shitty circumstances.
ESH
It must have been very shocking for her to find out on social media and you know that. You could have avoided the whole spectacle by just sending her a simple message and letting her know you don’t want to discuss it any further and need time to yourself.
>Your mom was never perfect, but she cared about me. I’m not angry with her, I am hurt that YOU didn’t even think of me.
I’m not sure why everyone is saying your sister seems very kind, to me this line in her message is inappropriate and provocative. Why mention your mom never being perfect and emphasising that she was not angry with her, why would she be angry with her? Maybe more stuff happened than we are privy to but sending that to the daughter of a recently passed person is weird to me.
I think you both need to work on not using someone’s death to take jabs at each other.
YWBTA if you told her that.
As for notifying her of your mom’s death, you two don’t have a relationship, why would you tell her? Obviously you know your mom didn’t care so you wouldn’t think to tell her. How would you even know half sister would care?
Which is why we have the obituary. The obituary communicates to people we know and don’t know that someone died. And since it’s 2025 and we don’t use newspapers, that’s what social media has become.
No need to say that. But no idea why she is making that about her and her hurt when you were the one that lost your mother. Just ignore her. If you say that you will be an AH to your mother cause she never told her that.
100%. That would be cruel and you don’t know if it’s ACTUALLY true. You weren’t in your mom’s mind. Your sister sounds like she really just wants a sister and she’s hurt because she wants to be a part of your life. It might be coming out as anger but underneath her words are real pain.
Info: did your half sister not keep in contact at all with your mother? Because if not, and you absolutely want to respond to someone you haven’t talked to in years and who is not a part of your life at all, then you can probably just respond “hi name, you didn’t keep in contact with her for many years. If she didn’t inform you of her health herself, I don’t see a responsibility to do it for her.”
She’s not blaming your mum but if they had a relationship past when you had one with her, then she should blame your mum for not telling her. If she didn’t have a relationship with your mum, then there is no reason for either your mum or you to inform her of anything.
Personally, since she is no one to you in your actual day to day life, I just wouldn’t respond.
YWBTA. This is your sister telling you she wishes you cared about her enough to let her know your mom passed. Sounds like she wants a relationship with you that you stomped out a long time ago.
And now, when she let’s you know she wishes you cared about her, you want to tell her your mom also didnt give a fuck about her?
I know you’re grieving, but you really need to take a step back and ask yourself why you hate your sister so much. From what you have posted, she hasn’t done anything to deserve this from you.
NTA. If your half-sister cared so much about her, why didn’t she know she was sick? Because she didn’t care enough to keep in touch, and if that’s the case, she doesn’t get to complain about not being kept in the loop.
She is an adult, and she is just as responsible for the fact that you weren’t in touch as you are. If she cared, she would have been there, supporting you and your mom.
YWBTA. Just ignore her. Your dad was TA but your mom wasn’t cruel. She chose to stay with him.
YTA all day long!
wtf is wrong with you for even having to ask this?!?!
You half-sister, by your story, has done absolutely nothing wrong. Your father was a cheating asshole, but your mother took him back. That was her perigotive. She’s an asshole too if she didn’t like your half sister, but clearly built some kid of relationship with her that made your half sister feel something positive toward your mother.
I don’t blame your half-sister for being hurt. If you then reach out to purposely hurt her more, you are maybe the biggest asshole of all your family.
Your half-sister’s relationship with your mother must have been really complicated and uncomfortable for both of them. Your half-sister was the embodiment of your father’s affair for your mother. Your mother was the woman who got what your half-sister’s mother never had. Telling her your mother never cared for her is potentially putting words in your mother’s mouth and inflicting a great deal of harm on your half-sister, when she didn’t ask to be an affair baby. How sad is it that neutrality felt like caring to her as a little girl?
I think she’s a bit shitty for not starting with “I’m sorry for your loss,” which is kind of the bare minimum. Her message is more than a little self-centered.
If you didn’t mean to intentionally hurt her, maybe just say something like, “I’m very sorry for hurting your feelings. That wasn’t my intention. I was overwhelmed with dealing with Mom’s illness and death and everything that goes with it.”
If you want to be a bit more passive-aggressive, maybe, “Thank you for your condolences. I know you didn’t actually express any, but I’m imagining that you did. I’m very sorry for hurting your feelings. That wasn’t my intention. I was overwhelmed with dealing with Mom’s illness and death and everything that goes with it.”