I’m 29M, autistic, and have a facial deformity from a genetic condition (not a “classic” deformity, I just look weird). I live with my mom. For the past six years, since I was 23, she has been on what feels like a consistent campaign to convince me that romantic relationships are a bad idea.
When I was 23, I say I want a gf and said I’ll work on myself. She said that’s a good idea. And just to be clear. She’d like me to have a gf, and she doesn’t want to “keep” me. I give her more work than vice-versa. Plus she also has my sister.
It’s constant and often unprompted. She repeatedly tells me that relationships are “very overrated,” have “many disadvantages,” and that “you’ll have lots of fights.” When I once asked her if she thought they could be beautiful, she just said “not really.” She also uses anything as “evidence” to support this like pointing to our 40-year-old single neighbour as proof someone can be “happy without a boyfriend..” (I didn’t ask my mom, she said this on her own) or telling me stories about how her friend’s then 20-year-old son is always having relationship troubles. (again, an unprompted comment… when we were talking about relationships/gf).
To be fair, she had a bad 3 decades-long relationship with my father (especially in the last 5 years). However, this still doesn’t explain how often she brings it up or how absolute she sounds. Also she never gave tips on how I should behave or anything, only comments such as “overrated”, “you’ll always fight”, etc. She doesn’t even acknowledge when I ask her, if in general relationships can be beautiful. The reply doesn’t explain my general question if it can be beautiful for others.
I’ve been completely isolated my whole life and have never had a date, never came close to one… let alone a girlfriend. Given my autism and my appearance, I always been convinced and believe she has decided it’s an impossible goal for me. It feels like her constant negativity is an attempt to “protect” me from rejection pain. Well meaning of course, but misguided and doomed to fail from the start?
Am I reading this right? It’s just exhausting to — as I feel it, have my desire for a basic human connection treated like a dangerous idea.
I’ve always made it a point to be clear that I’m not listening to her — through my words and actions. From my POV, I don’t think she it taking me seriously. It always felt and feels like she’s telling itself this will all solve itself – I’ll be ok with never having a gf, despite me telling her the opposite and despite her overall attitude to “never lie to oneself.”