I still can’t believe this thing happened to me and I’m just so lost and so tired now, I never expected for my husband to do this to me after everything we have. English is not my first language and I’m still in shock so please forgive me if there’s some mess in my post, I’m just venting and feeling so broken. I’ve never used Reddit for things like this and just watched stories from the internet.
Some background: Me (44F) and my husband (45M) has been married for two decades and we have four kids in together; Shane (F23), Bea (F22), Charles (M17), and Ivan (M13). All of our kids are adopted since I cannot carry a child to term but I treat all of my kids as if I birthed them myself. Me and my husband has a wonderful relationship, we are high school sweethearts, dated in highschool and got married when we were in college, we rarely fight because we always address the issues we have and always tried our best to fight for our relationship. We have date nights, our kids cringes everytime me and their Dad are together because of how sticky we are and affectionate, we both have good jobs as well (I worked in a high position at a Call Center, while my husband works in tech), both earning good amount of money for us to provide a comfortable life to our children. And we have great intimacy. We are each other’s firsts in everything. So imagine my shock when my husband told me this morning that he had a one-night stand with a co-worker nine years ago and it resulted with a boy.
My husband told me that it happened when I was away on a trip with my girlfriends and he was feeling so lonely and stressed for a project at that time but he didn’t want to bother me while I’m out having fun because I rarely go out with my friends, he said didn’t mean for it to happen and it never happened again but I don’t know if I believe him. According to him, after they did it, he and his AP spoke about how much of a mistake of what they did and that it shouldn’t happen again, since then they never spoke to each other at work aside from when they have projects together, the AP ended up leaving their company after two months so they never saw each other again.
Now, just this morning, my husband told me that his AP’s parents contacted him a month ago and told him that she became pregnant after they slept together and gave birth to a son. They said that they can no longer care for the boy since they’re old and the AP is in jail for the foreseeable future, they wanted to still have the kid with them but won’t be able to provide a good life for the child so they wanted my husband to take in the child.
I just became numb the entire time he’s explaining to me. He told me of his plan to turn one of our guest room into that boy’s room and wanted to introduce him to our kids as their new brother. Said that I would love the kid because the boy likes anime and we would definitely get along, my husband is completely ecstatic because he said the boy looks so much like him and is such a good kid, that the boy would be grateful to have a normal life and have parents that would love him- which is, from what I think he’s saying, me and him being the parents. I don’t know what to do. I know the boy is completely innocent and he didn’t chose his parents. But the fact that he knew about this child for a month yet hid it from me, and the fact that the boy is his blood-related child, which is something I can never give him is making me feel so horrible and making me feel a bit resentful for the child’s existence. I’m currently locking myself in our bedroom and he’s been trying to get me to open the door but I just wanted to cry myself here. I don’t want to care for the child. I don’t want to see the result of my husband’s infidelity. But I also pity the boy. So, Aita?
Comments
No child should be in a home where any potential guardian does not want them.
NTA. Your husband massively betrayed you and now he’s moving him in? Not cool.
Divorce or at least separation. This is not a new adopted child he cheated on you and created life that he hid from you for at least a month but honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if he knew for longer.
NTA. I’m sorry this happened to you.
Leave the husband, tell him that that child is his responsibility and that he should find ways to take care of him by himself.
Loyalty is not an option, it’s required. Therefore he betrayed your trust over a little loneliness and decided he wanted to hide his affair from you.
Pack his stuff, tell your kids what’s happening and that he will be leaving.
Every action has consequences. Whether good or bad.
Sorry you had to go through this. You deserve better.
Has he even considered how your kids would react to a sibling whose existence is due to his deception? I don’t see that going over well.
He needs to get out.
NTA oh my gosh… before anything gets decided about the kid, you need to decide what you would do if there was no kid but you found out about the cheating. If you would have left him then do that, if you would have tried to work it out then it’s going to get a little complicated. You would have to meet the kid and decide if you can handle it. Also look into how long the mom is in jail, if you stay and help raise this kid and then the mom is released and fights for custody then that’s a whole other layer. If you want to stay but can’t raise this kid then maybe offer to pay for a nanny?? Idk
No.
Oh man….that’s a rough one, and you are not the a-hole….First thing is to do a DNA test. Despite what his AP said, and has told everyone, that boy may not be his. Second, if it is……Your entire family needs to sit down and talk about what happened, and let the infidelity be known to your adopted kids. Let them decide if they want to keep a relationship with the boy, and their father. If you do take this on, you are a saint. Nobody would blame you if you said “no”. If you do say no, get the divorce proceedings started. This way with the kids knowing what is going on, they can understand why the divorce is happening in the first place.
NTA
Look your husband owes care to this child. But the child should not be in a home where you will not interact or parent them. That is fundamentally unfair to the child.
I see three possibilities and none of them involve having the child in your home unless your feelings change: You divorce and he takes primary custody of his son as a single parent. You stay together and he pays child support so the son can stay with the grandparents or another primary caretaker; he visits his child without you. Or he surrenders parental rights so the child can be adopted, if that’s even possible with the mother in jail but retaining parental right
NTA. Has a DNA test been done? If not, none of you know if the child is really his. He cheated then lied by omission for not telling you about the child. He has betrayed you horribly. Before anything is done, he needs to make sure the child is really his. It doesn’t matter if the child ‘looks like him’ or not.
NTA but has he even had a DNA test yet to prove he’s the father? I would be kicking him out of the house and finding a divorce lawyer personally.
You are entirely justified in your anger – your trust was broken, and your husband has a biological child and you don’t, and the jerk is all, “But HEY, this is great, you can now mother my illegitimate child as well as our other 4, no biggy!”
That’s a HUGE hit to your emotions and mental health to handle all at one time: adultery, the son, the attempt to have you take on a maternal role (which the kid might not want, TBH), handling a child who has been displaced and probably needs therapy, YOU most assuredly would benefit from some individual therapy and perhaps couples therapy, if you decide you want to stay and fight for you relationship.
I don’t think one of you moving out while you deal with the fallout is a wrong decision. It’s a lot to get through.
Then you can really explore if you want to stay married, whether you have any intention of bringing his son into your household if you choose to stay married, perhaps consider what would life look like as a divorced woman (there are both pros and cons).
No matter what, change has landed on your lap. Now you just have to consider what that change will look like.
And maybe hit your cheating husband over the head with a cricket bat for being a jerk and trying to sell his story as a good thing, instead of coming hat in hand, admitting he fucked up when he fucked someone else, and talking through the situation – giving you some space if you need it (like letting you cry in the bedroom without banging on the door!).
Maybe it’s just me, but I’d actually go visit the AP in jail and see if she will give you clarity about what happened and when.
NTA. Your husband knew for a whole month and is just now telling you. He’s moving the child in and already made plans without you. This is wild. I would be very hurt too.
He knew about the boy before a month ago. Check his bank records and credit cards. Snap chat etc. Then you’ll find out who your husband is.
He knew longer. No one would hand a child over at 9 to a parent and people they don’t know.
Tell him, he and his child can live elsewhere.
Don’t set yourself on fire to keep other people warm put you and your kids first you have no reason to be dragged into your husbands mistakes he lied to you he cheated on you and god forbid how many other times and he has the audacity to expect you to just take in his affair kid?? Yes the kids innocent but it is still NOT your problem your husband betrayed you in the most vile way and tarnished the sanctity of your marriage in the most disgusting way don’t let him drag you down that path op find someone who’s gonna treasure you like the absolute gem you are girliepop you deserve way better than to be the wife of a two timer
NTA. Lawyer. You won’t be able to forgive him. He cheated on you and never told you.
He isn’t even apologetic or asking for forgiveness now, he just expects you to move on and mother a child he had from an affair.
Fuck that. Divorce him. If he was truly regretful and sorry, he would have told you as soon as it happened and made changes and got couples counselling and begged for forgiveness.
He lied to you for nine years, what else has he lied about?!
Have some respect for yourself. Don’t stay, it’s not worth the emotional turmoil. You’ll have to raise his affair child. Absolutely not.
This will eat at you and you’ll resent this child and it’s not fair on the child.
NTA Your husband needs to move out and provide a separate home to raise his child.
It is ok to want nothing to do with this child. Take some space. Set a boundary that your decision on parenting the child is final. It is no longer up for discussion.
Your husband should not be telling yiñou what will happen. He should discuss with you what he would like and ask your opinion. While the boy is inocent the fsther isnt and this doesnt just affevñct you but the entire family as the kids will feel he lives this kid more. And the audacity to no worry about you leaving him. It took him 9yrs to tell you he cheated. Will he stay if you strayed? I would say no to the boy moving in. You may not want to harbor frelings but you will and the kid will be a daily reminder of his betrayal….
Divorce the POS,he decide by himself to move the kid to your house have a little of self respect
If there’s one excuse that is absolutely disgusting it’s “I was stressed out, so I had to fuck someone else!”. I mean what the hell – you’re stressed out, go for a walk, talk to a therapist or a trusted friend (in his case, it should be a MALE friend).
I’ve seen so many excuses for infidelity. They are stressed, they are bored, you aren’t that good in bed, you turned me down when you were sick and on and on.
Cheaters gonna cheat, but moving the kid in with you is beyond the pale.
You are NTA.
Wtf did i just read???
He’s glossing over the massive betrayal and expecting you to play mother to his affair kid. Hard no from me.
Divorce.
NTA for not wanting to raise your husband’s affair child. You would be TA, however, if you stay married to your husband after this. Let him go raise the child on his own.
First off he needs to get a DNA test n second file for separation…
NTA, your cheating, soon to be ex? Husband is delusional if he thinks you’re going to care for an affair child.
NTA “Husband, you are an evil, lying, cheating b*stard. Find somewhere else to live for yourself and your AP’s son and get out of my life.”
NTA But there are a lot of questions.
How long were you gone on that trip the got so lonely he has to sleep with someone else? Is the AP somewhere you can contact to get her side? After this long there probably aren’t any chats from that time on his phone but might be worth a look.
If he’s only known for a month how does he know what the kid likes and that he’s a good kid? Again raises some questions about timelines that could be answered by the AP or the grandparents.
Did he ask for a paternity test? If someone suddenly popped up with a kid no one knew about a paternity test would be a logical thing to ask for. If he’s not then I doubt he didn’t know.
Is it possible he’s over excited to have a bio kid that he’s ignoring all the problems with dropping a surprise kid into his family? If he is that’s going to cause problems with your adopted kids.
he’s jubilant right now. his dirty shameful secret is out. phew. now he gets to get excited that he has a chance to bond and raise his son! isn’t that great. we can convert the guest room so he has his own space and isn’t it just great.
and there you are. hit w bomb that just went off. the dust hasn’t settled one bit. for you. he has only care and plans for his new son. zero concern that he has just destroyed you and his kids. he isn’t the man you know.
tell him that he needs to move out w his new kid. you are not his stepmother and you’ve agreed to nothing. you do not want this child in your home. you will not care for or nurture this child and frankly prefer to never see his existence.
fair? who cares. fair flew out the window when he cheated. this has absolutely nothing to do w the child but w your peace and you do not give him permission to destroy your peace. counseling next. you have a ton to work through before you divorce his 🍑 simply so you can get your rage out.
NTA, but you should be talking to your partner seriously about separating. He has every right to take care of his other child and should, and you have every right to not want to. But the only real solution for both of those things to work is to separate from one another.
NTA – tell your husband that the child is not moving and he is moving out.
You need time and space to process this shock and betrayal.
Your husband is acting like you don’t have a say in any of this, but you do!
I wonder how many times in your marriage, he’s felt lonely and stressed and turned to other women.
He betrayed you. He could have given you an STI from his one night stand and forced your kids to grow up with a sick mother, because if he could lie this long, I guarantee he’d lie about how you contracted the illness.
Shut down any talk of moving that boy in immediately. Make it clear your marriage may not last and it would be cruel to drag a young child into the middle of this, especially when all your time and energy will be focused on yourself and your own children. Who will be suffering from learning their dad betrayed the family not just by cheating, but by being so selfish as to not even consider how they’d feel about another child (his biological child) being forced into the household without even consulting them.
For adopted kids, this is basically the worst nightmare. A biological child comes along and is suddenly more important. Even in biological sibling relationships, a new child completely upheaves everything. Your husband is selfish enough that even after a whole month to think this over, he apparently hasn’t even considered your kids feelings, let alone yours.
NTA
Update me!
NTA, you don’t need to accommodate your husband’s mistake. if he wants to raise this child then he should do it alone. you don’t need to put yourself in a position to stare at the result of your husband’s infidelity every day.
NTA. The only reason he didn’t cheat with more people is because you were together so much- it only took a single outing with your friends for him to lose control of his penis.
In addition, it is unkind to the child if you can’t raise her without resentment and thinking about the affair. I’m not judging you for that- there are very few of us who wouldn’t resent her. But she doesn’t deserve to feel unwanted or despised either.
NTA My god, what is wrong with him that he was excitedly telling his wife he cheated, has a kid, and they’re going to be his new parents? Like, did he not see how that was going to destroy your world and the life you guys built together. Just leave him. Being single would be better than either choking down your feelings while living with and taking care of his kid or dealing with the resentment your husband will feel if you don’t take his kid in.
Your husband works in tech but his “coworker” affair partner is in JAIL? I’m not saying it’s impossible but calling BS on this. I work in tech and never heard of any women going to jail. Sorry for the stereotype but like the story is just really weird and suss and why wouldn’t the AP have said something all those years ago if it’s just his coworker?
You’re not the AH for feeling this way, your husband’s betrayal is massive, and him hiding this kid for a month? Shady. He’s acting like you’ll just bond over anime, which is so clueless it hurts.
Your feelings are valid; you don’t owe anyone a relationship with this kid. Set boundaries, maybe get therapy to sort this mess.
Take whatever time you need to decide. Your husband can’t unilaterally decide to move the child into the home.
Maybe your marriage is over, maybe you decide you still want this marriage and to care for this kid.
Do take immaculate care of yourself. Talk to a therapist and if the answer is “Heck no, they’ve got to go”, then that’s the right answer for you.
NTA no matter what you choose.
NTA
The is surely grounds for DIVORCE!! His son will be a constant reminder of what you couldn’t give him and of his infidelity. Your kids will be devastated. But divorce is your only option not to live with this. Get a lawyer ASAP! You need to stay in the house because of your two minor children and he needs a new place to take care of his child! Don’t cave into playing mommy to his affair child. You are strong and capable. Don’t let his child be a burden you think you have to carry. You don’t? You’re not a doormat! Ask your husband to leave for a few days as you process everything.
Your husband is selfish and out of his mind. You need time to process and this needs to be done BEFORE any decision is made about bringing his affair child into YOUR home.
I suggest separation. If your husband wants to take the child, he can do so in a SEPARATE home that he funds ON HIS OWN. During this time, I suggest the entire family get therapy especially your kids. You may want to get a therapist’s advice on how to tell your kids as well. While I know your kids are older, this is not something that should be taken lightly especially with your youngest. Your husband didn’t just betray and fail you, he did this to your kids too! And his reaction at having a child that looks like him will CERTAINLY make your adopted kids feel some kind of way.
During this time you can also do some soul searching about what you want. For me, I would’ve already called a divorce attorney. However, you need to do what is best for you and your kids. The affair child is NOT your priority.
NTA
I’m so sorry. This isn’t the first time he found out , or he wouldn’t be so cal.. it’s likely not a one time one night stand either. Please protect your peace. File for divorce and child support. He cheated, broke your trust and lied. His child is not the same as adopted and he will very likely treat his blood child superior to his other children. Do not put yourself or your children through that. You deserve much better and you have now seen who he is – you cannot unsee it.
NTA. It’s not fair to the child to be integrated into a family that will resent him.
I’m sorry to say this, but you don’t know how many times he’s cheated over the years. You just know that he’s gotten caught the one time. He was never going to tell you. Get tested and divorce him.
Get a new husband. He lied to you for 10 years about a one night stand. What else is he lying about? He got some other woman pregnant. I would be out sooooo fast. That is not ok. He has a legal responsibility to that baby. You dont. Now he wants to parade his affair in your face? Super uncool. Most places that is grounds for divorce. He probably knew about the kids for longer bc people dont just get in contact with you after 9 years and say “here, take this kid that doesn’t even know you.” This is all really sketchy. Also, had a DNA test been done? Bc looks dont matter. My daughter looks just like my best friend. They are both blond hair/blue eyed. I’m a brunette with green eyes. That doesn’t make my best friend my daughters mother. Get DNA done.
Nta. But this wasnt a one time thing. This a thing that he had no way around admitting. The child should not be in a house with you. The kid doesnt deserve the punishment because of a shitty dad.
Unfortunately, this is where you must stand up for yourself because in no way is this okay. He cheated on you and expects you to raise the child?? Who in their right mind would think that to even ask?
If you give in, you will be resentful and miserable for the rest of your life. You deserve better. Some mistakes cannot be forgiven.
NTA!
Updateme.
Hey! My husband punched me in the face! AITA?
Ma’am! Why are you still married to this man. Advise your husband to get a DNA test if he hasn’t already. (Based on what you said I suspect there is a ton of information that he hasn’t told you)
In the mean time you contact a lawyer for you and a therapist for your kids.
LEAVE THIS LOSER! Your kids are old enough that they are gonna to know exactly what has happened, do you want to teach your kids it is ok to behave the way your husbands has? Or that they should accept this type of treatment from their partner one day?
NTA.
nta but you will have to make some choices here…i think telling husband to get out is a good start. he should also get a dna test
You have alot to process. Take the time you need and don’t make any decisions right now.
I suggest a solo getaway pronto….you need to be alone.
NTA…
Time for a divorce cause he betrayed you, kept on betraying you and put your health in danger by sleeping without protection resulting in a child.
Let him raise the kid on his own.
He should’ve kept it in his pants and by speaking up after so many years cause he couldn’t do anything else he ruined his marriage and his family.
NTA at all no matter what you decide but unfortunately, you pretty much have a no win situation. I think you are well within your rights to tell him NO, figure it out outside of your home. Most people would say leave and get a divorce but that is pretty simplistic given the situation with adopted children….really a tough one but no, demanding he handle this outside your home and you want no relationship with his ‘new’ kid is not mean or cruel, he made his bed and now he has to lie in it
NTA
He wasn’t lonely….his penis was lonely
Why do you have a relationship with him?
NTA. This is your husband’s doing. He cheated 9 years ago and hid the truth about his cheating for 9 years. He learned a month ago he had become a father and hid the child from you for 1 month, too. Your husband is a liar through and through. You need to think of yourself and your four children and do what is best for the five of you.
I’ve seen this happen before. In terribly terribly written novels people were saying, poor of language and a really creepy cheating kink. Why would you stay with your husband? He doesn’t respect you. He cheated. And now he’s expecting you to just let him do whatever he wants instead of dealing with the consequences of his actions because you’re not enforcing any on him.
NTA. There’s no way that your husband has only known about this kid for a month, and that now that his AP is going to jail, he’s going to be the legal parent of the kid. I wouldn’t be surprised if he hasn’t been sneaking away having a relationship with this woman and child for the kid’s whole life, and part of why your marriage has been so “good” is that he’s been doing everything he can to keep up the appearances while living a double life.
I’d be telling husband to go get a 2BR apartment, because the child isn’t moving into our home with our children. We need to be separated. Then I’d be getting an attorney, forensic accountant and private investigator to find out the truth, because no way was this just a one night stand with a co-worker if he’s got grandparents willing to give up custody of their grandchild to him. My mom would fight for my nephew for as long as she was able to live independently.
He was lonely is such a dumb excuse to betray your partner, if he has done it once he’s probably done it more times. You are not broken, he is pathetic, you are not the AH.
You are NTA
NTA. I’m sorry your husband is an asshole. He cheated on you almost 10 years ago and fathered a child, who he now wants to move in with all of you. If you don’t want that, I think you’re going to just have to file for divorce. And your husband can live separately with his affair partner’s son.
NTA TBH I’d be leaving him. He lied to you for 9 YEARS. He had sex with another woman and never came clean about it. It’s not about the child because they didn’t ask to be born. It’s about the fact your husband is untrustworthy, a liar and a cheater. Your husband is not even considering your feelings or that of your other children. My guess is their feelings won’t matter because they’re not biologically his and having a biological child apparently matters to him.
NTA
That sounds like a him problem, and he can deal with it. I would make it clear that, if he even moved the kid in, he would have to do all meal planning, laundry etc. I wouldn’t even want to eat at a table across from proof of an affair. At that point, I’d probably say divorce. The answer would be no and that’s that. If he wants to take him in, sounds like he needs to start searching for a two bedroom apartment.
First things first. He needs to establish paternity. You need to be tested for STD”s. Consider engaging a forensic accountant to find out if he has been secretly sending support. Consult an attorney, and go over your options,including separating your finances. If this child is his, he alone can care/ support the child.
NTA
Tbh, I really, really doubt, that your husband only knew for a month about his child. He knew longer, probablydefinitely already during the pregnancy.
Tbh, I doubt this was the first or last time your husband cheated and the fact that his cheating resulted in pregnancy at least once, means that he didn’t use protection. He endangered your health, probably countless times!
And FFS, you were on a girls trip and he gets so lonely, that he falls dick first sans condom into a co-worker’s vagina? WTF? He couldn’t keep his dick in his pants for a few measly days?
Tbh, I would kick him out and let him be a single parent to this child. I couldn’t get over the betrayal. I could never trust this man again.
Your husband has likely done this many times. I’d talk to a lawyer and start a divorce. He has zero respect for you. He also put your health at risk and didn’t care. I’m sorry you have a dirtbag for a husband. Please know that your kids deserve a better example of how a partner treats you. You can’t stay and show them this level of disrespect and betrayal is acceptable.
Get tested for STIs since your husband cheats randomly and with no protection.
Also- has he done a dna test to be sure?
Updateme
NTA
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. 🫂 My first husband was a cheater. Over the years he brought home drama, STDs…. The list of what he did is long, but the the last straw was when he brought home a pregnant girlfriend.
You deserve better. Full stop. You could try some family/ couples therapy for EVERYONE involved. But that requires them to agree, and then participate, and then to do the work needed to resolve this mess. The mess that your husband has launched your entire family into. 🌹 Sending you big mama bear hugs across the miles. Good luck!
Him Feeling lonely and stressed while you were on a trip is no reason to cheat. This could have been a full blown affair. He is actually trying to blame you because you were on a trip with friends. This is a really tough situation. Having to look at the child of his affair every day is devastating and reliving the hurt every day. He needs to man up, acknowledge the pain, accept the fact that you do not want the child in your home, and make other arrangements, even if it means he moves out. The child is the one who will pay the highest price but it is your husbands fault-not yours. NTA. So sorry that you and the child have to go thru this.
He is lying to you. One he was Fing his AP for more than once. Two he’s known about this kid for years. I’m sure he’s been paying child support for years.
He’s so giddy about this rubbing it in your face. He is not remorseful at all. He is demanding that you not only forgive him but he’s done you a favor by giving you another child WTF.
Do Not let him guilt trip you into raising his Affairs child. Divorce him and let him play happy family. I doubt your children will be excited to have an affair brother.
You should be divorcing and separating because of the affair alone! Wake up.
NTA
Putting the child issue aside let’s start on the infidelity. There is almost Zero chance that it was a spontaneous one night affair with his coworker. Your being out of town on a girls trip? Not relevant. His being stressed about a work project during that same trip? Not relevant. His being able to consent, perform, and complete the act of unprotected sex with someone other than his then spouse of 11 years? Very Relevant. And to then hide that information for nearly a decade? Yeah his story and excuses don’t add up. He has betrayed you, your marriage, and broken your trust. He doesn’t get to just wave it away like a pesky mosquito.
Now the child. Has he done a DNA test to verify paternity? Has he even asked to verify paternity? If he is just going by how the child looks he is either foolish or he has known for a lot longer than a month about this being his child. I have a niece looks just like me, we have 0 biological relation.
Just because this may be his child it isn’t automatically yours. Springing an affair child on a spouse and just assuming that they want to raise the child is pretty audacious. I assume you both had many long and deep conversations about adopting each child and how it would affect the entire household by bringing in a new addition. Why isn’t that same process being followed now? Oh because it’s his biological child, created from infidelity.
Reddit likes to yell Divorce but I think this time that may be where your heading. It may be the only way to protect your future mental health.
I don’t know where you live or what cultural expectations may be involved but at a minimum I feel you need individual, marriage counseling, and a consultation with a family law attorney as soon as possible. Also maybe a forensic accountant to see if your husband has been financially support this child prior to a month ago. That information could expose more of his lies and help you make some decisions. It could also protect your finances if you divorce.
I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this information at once.
Don’t believe a word he tells you. Your marriage is likely over. Please consult an attorney asap to determine how to protect yourself.
Do not accept this situation, let your husband pay child support and offer to get them a nanny of some kind to help look after the child.
Your husband is nuts!! He can’t just randomly introduce his affair child to your children is he crazy? It certainly seems like he has lost his marbles.
Start looking at his phone, bank or credit card records. Heck go to the jail the AP is at and ask her questions you will get the real truth.
Cut your losses and move on. Tell him to leave the marital home and raise this kid on his own. He betrayed you 9 years ago… pretty sure it wasn’t the only time. Its just that this time he got a baby.
NTA
Please please leave
He’s using the child to guilt you into solving his problem. He’s also trying to use the child and your adoption history to get you to brush over his betrayal.
NTA. Make a plan, get a lawyer and get out. This will not get better.
Say nope, not my problem.
There is no way this kid just magically arrived in his life. I would bet money he knew for far longer, that is why he is so happy and not shocked
The way he is already putting his biological child over the needs of his adopted children is sick. His adopted children will be able to tell immediately. The fact he is so happy his son looks like him is grossly telling of how he really feels about his adopted children.
He cheated and you are not at all required to accept that. The fact he is steamrolling right over that and putting the focus on the kid is a distraction. HE CHEATED ON YOU BECAUSE YOU WENT ONE ONE LITTLE TRIP?!!!! Is his connection to you so weak?!! Is his willpower so poor?!! I doubt it. I bet she left because they had a long affair and he did not leave you for her.
You should not take this child in. You need time to figure out how you even feel. It is not a good situation for this kid to just get dumped into. The kid needs to stay with the grandparents or your husband needs to move away to take him while you separate or divorce him.
He has SO MUCH WORK TO DO TO MAKE THIS UP TO YOU!! He cannot do this while focusing on his shiny new child. It’s simply not possible. He is telling you that his priorities are with this new kid and not with your marriage at all.
I suggest you tell him he needs to leave for a few days and you call a lawyer.
NTA. He cheated. Now he wants you to raise the product of his affair? Nope.
Unfortunately, he’s going to resent you if you won’t let the kid in and you’re going to resent the kid for existing. And what happens when AP gets out of jail? She going to move in and be Mom again? And then where are you?
Maybe a LOT of therapy will get you guys through but I don’t see how this situation ends with a happy family. I’m sorry. But it would be best if you left before anyone tries to force you to bond with the kid or take care of him.
NTA….Op that child is not your responsibility and for your husband expecting you to be just as excited as he is, is disrespectful and disgusting.
Op don’t let him guilt you into something that you do not want 🙏🏻🫶🫂
NTA. Paternity test, divorce, and therapy.
Updateme
NTA: if you stay, start looking for his replacement. I would tell him to sleep in the extra room and stop any form of intimacy. (He’s been cheating for a long time.) Men either become mean to their spouse or act overly affectionate when they are cheating, and being loyal to a cheater is self betrayal. He is so desensitized to this act that he thinks bringing the affair baby home is appropriate. He has no morals and no loyalty to you, so I would stop any loyalty acts for him. Sorry you’re going through this.
Updateme!
NTA. Wow, there are lots t of comments telling you to divorce your cheating husband, and while I agree with them, most of the comments seem to ignore how torn you are about this. You’re clearly a compassionate person, so of course you pity this poor boy, and of course you worry about how upsetting a divorce would be for your kids.
So let me say this: Promise yourself you’ll do what’s necessary for YOU to be mentally healthy and reasonably happy. That’s not selfish; it’s self-care and necessary for you to support your kids. And give yourself time to grieve before announcing any decision. Don’t let your husband pressure you. You’ve been walloped with 3 VERY distressing developments: 1. that your husband cheated. 2. that he apparently fathered a child. 3. that he fathered a child while you can’t birth your children. Each of those items takes time to process.
I have to ask: does he show any remorse? It sounds like he just waltzed in and said, “Good news, dearest! You’re getting that child you wished for! Oh, and I cheated on you 9 years ago because I was
hornylonely, and he’s the affair baby, but the important thing is Ta-dah! you’re getting another kid!” It’s horrible.Finally, has he done DNA testing yet to determine if he really is the father?
Just divorce the bastard and let him raise his affair child alone
Is there a DNA test saying conclusively that this child is his?
Minus that, there is no conversation. Tell Hubs he isn’t moving any child into your home.
Once there is confirmation, Hubs is free to get an apartment to move himself and his child into.
And make it very clear that this child is his responsibility. You will NOT care for the child. You won’t clothe, feed, house, transport, or help the child. You won’t babysit. You won’t facilitate a relationship between your children and his child. You do not want to ever meet this child. You will not acknowledge his child.
Look – the right thing to do is not to do this. It would be a kindness to take the boy in and make him part of the family. I get that.
But I also get the betrayal you must feel. And the anger that he could so easily sleep with someone else. And hide it for so many years. And then add in a good dose of dealing with your own infertility and his “mistake” resulted in a child being born? Oh heck no!
The child is his mistake. He needs to take care of his mistake – not you. And that means he doesn’t bring the child into your marital home until you are ready. And that may be never.
I am still very wary. Obviously, AP could have reached out when she went to jail. Her parents also apparently had his contact info. Why did they wait until now to reach out?
Does anyone else find that suspicious?
I wouldn’t do anything until there is a DNA test. Then Hubs needs to talk to a lawyer and find out what his rights are -vsince he isn’t married to the mother. Does she need to sign some sort of custody agreement? Does she need to sign something giving him permission to seek medical help for the boy?
And what about insurance? Hubs needs to talk to his employer and find out about adding child to his health insurance. He will have issues since the boy isn’t a newborn – my guess is 30 days from the date of the DNA test saysing the child is his, will be the window in which Hubs will have to add the child to his insurance
He needs to work out all of this on his own.
You are NTA.
There are just so many question marks that I can’t help but feel like there is a LOT more to the story than what you have been told!
I wish you peace! Update us!
You’re husband is an AH. If your other kids are out of the house and you have just your youngest, I would consider separation and potentially divorce. This is a huge betrayal and your husband doesn’t want to give you the time to process it. You’re just supposed to immediately be “mom” and happy with the situation. That’s insane. If he wants to provide a home for the boy, it sounds like he could do that on his own by getting an apartment for himself and the boy. It’s ridiculous for him to expect you to just play happy families for the results of his affair.
Updateme! (Note to OP – this isn’t a request to you, it’s for the update bot to automatically let me know if you post an update)
He’s cheated and has no care or consideration for you. Please please leave him. Speak to a lawyer and do what the lawyer says.
NTA, he cheated and now he’s expecting you to play happy family with the products of his affair? The kid may be innocent but it doesn’t mean you have to play mommy. Get a lawyer, a good one.
I think it is ridiculous for him to be so ecstatic in front of you and bear such excitement when he literally stepped out on you to create this life without you involved.
Absolutely not to the whole idea of him introducing them as brothers and family like that’s not what you signed up for..
Reality of the matter is that boy is not your family and you want nothing to do with him and there’s nothing wrong with that..
he failed you as a husband and a partner for this to have happened in the first place.
The only reason why he came clean is because this all reached ahead . Had there never been a Baby. he would’ve never of told you about the affair.
i’m assuming you’re two oldest don’t live with you anymore.. honestly depending on how close you are to your children I would talk to them.
Yes, all your children have a right to know at some point, but you need some mental support and guidance.
The grandparents say that they don’t have enough money and are getting too old to raise this boy. It would be kind of cruel to continue to force them to do so.
But that doesn’t mean that you have to allow your home as his new base of operations.
You may have to consider a divorce and we all wish you the best of luck.
Even if you do give in for a bit and let him move in, make it very clear that he is a single parent when it comes to this child and you are not going to be taken advantage of
You’re NTA, that poor kid
Leave him and get as much child support you can from him. He’s a cheater. You have ZERO obligation to parent his affair child. ZERO
So you went away for a month with your friends? A week? And your loving hubby could not keep it in his pants. He’s the asshole. And he probably did more than he is telling you.
You need to do 3 things right away.
Make him & this child get a DNA test. Without it, even though he “thinks” the child looks like him, there is no certainty.
Get an STI check. Whether this is his kid or not, he’s admitted having raw dawg sex with someone else and putting you at risk.
Lawyer up…for many reasons. You need to protect assets for yourself & your kids. You need to know what a divorce might look like, especially financially. You need an Advocate, as of course, you’re emotional right now. They won’t be.
Until these 3 things are done, your Husband deals with his son outside of your family home. His efforts to move this child in stops right now. At the least, he’s had a month to deal with this. You deserve all the time you need to allow you to process this betrayal.
First off, good for you for adopting 4 children. Hats off to you. Definitely NTA
NTA – Absolutely not. No way. And everything he says is not just bs, but tells you how much he respects and values you. He gives a flying f. how he treats you is disgusting. He didn’t even question if you even stay, never mind accept the kid in your life and no word about if you want his affair child – the permanent living and breathing reminder and proof of his deep betrayal – in your home. Nvm accept him as your own and raise him. He doesn’t care about you. At all.
Do with that whatever you feel is the right thing to do.
The betrayal. The (certain) lies about it being “just one time.” The steam rolling that it’s his way or the highway with blending this new reality into his dream family…..I think it’s OK if you separate and/or divorce.
I just hope you do let the kids find their own way with this kid and never let the child think HE is the reason for the divorce and breaking up the family. It’s your husband’s betrayal that led to divorce. His existence is wonderful. Not saying you need to accept him with open arms if your children want to get to know him but, please, be kind. Also, I’d recommend therapy for your kids when they get placed on the back burner for “blood.” You will need to be strong for them.
You’re husband just expects you to forget the cheating and step up and raise his affair baby? And he cheated because he was stressed and lonely when you were on a trip? Well you are crying alone in a bathroom, so based on his logic perhaps you should go out, sleep with multiple men, multiple times (because it’s BS it was one time and she miraculously got pregnant) and then he can totally forgive you and be ok with it and maybe then seeing how easy it is for him to forgive you can think about it.
But I am guessing if he got a taste of his bullshit he would not forgive a thing.
There’s more than him keeping the child secret for a month; he also hid the fact for nine years that he had an affair! He’s proven you can’t trust him and that he will only admit to things when they can no longer be hidden. I wouldn’t trust a word that comes out of his mouth, up to and including that he didn’t know about the kid and only cheated once (how likely is it that she got pregnant after having sex one time? Possible, but not likely). And if I can’t trust him, I couldn’t be married to him, plain and simple.
Has he even apologized? Begged for your forgiveness, offered full transparency, counseling, anything, to work on earning your trust back? Or did he just jump straight to gaslighting you that this kid was basically the surrogate child you’ve been waiting for, and how great of a parent you’ll be to his affair baby?
Go directly to Jail, do not pass Go, do not collect $200.00 (Monopoly reference, basically saying he needs to stop and back up, because that ain’t happening).
Cheating is my hard line. If it were me, husband would need to get his own place with his kid. See how excited he is about becoming a single parent. NTA.
One thing to add is, children can tell when they’re not wanted/resented/not loved the same as the other kids. Please don’t do that to the child. He is innocent, but your husband is not, so your husband needs to figure out how to take care of his kid without you.
NTA. This is a lot to process, I mean, a LOT. So sorry this has happened to you. I get where the innocence of your relationship has been forever altered and that’s incredibly painful.
I’d suggest your getting some individual counseling ASAP and then marital counseling if you choose to continue your marriage. You’ve so much to sift through and would likely benefit with some neutral input. I do have a personal thought on how you might proceed but I don’t think my or anyone’s opinion on Reddit is important. What matters is what you will need to do to go forward. The man you trusted to never disappoint you like this has betrayed you on many levels. Some marriages can survive such a revelation and some can’t. In the end, only you can decide if you could forgive this.
NTA.
I want to commend you for acknowledging that this child is blameless. That you can have compassion even in the midst of all of this speaks to your character.
That being said, there are a few true things:
1- No child deserves to be in a home where they will be unwelcome. As it is, you will not be able to welcome this child and it is unclear if your children will be able to
2- No parent who has the means, health and emotional availability should ever abandon their child. It sounds like your husband makes a decent living and is excited about this child.
These two things are true, but under the current circumstances, cannot be reconciled. Contrary to what most Redditors think, it is possible to recover from cheating. But it only works if everyone is onboard. It doesn’t sound like he is, as he didn’t even apologize or bring it up, but if you want to try to save this marriage, demand it. Otherwise, I think you know what to do.
Regardless, please get yourself and your children into therapy. And please stress to your children that the child is blameless. They may not be able to have a relationship immediately, but I hope a bit of your compassion rubs off on them.
Pending a paternity test, frankly, yes, you would be the asshole.
The kid needs care; he’s meant to be the responsible party.
If you want to divorce him, that’s reasonable. But to expect him to refuse to care for his son is beyond the pale.
First of all, I’m so sorry this has happened to you. A betrayal like this is like a stab to the heart with the knife being twisted over and over. What to do – Tell and show your husband exactly how to you feel. He needs to see the pain he’s caused. Then stop all his plans. I would refuse to have the boy in my house. The boy can stay with the grandparents and your husband can help and assist in providing for the boy at their house. I, also, would not allow the boy to meet your kids, at least not in the beginning. Your husband majorly screwed up and now he expects you to just go along with his plans??? Your home is your sanctuary, do not let him take that away from you and the kids! Fight for your and your kids right to have a home without so much pain and anger and betrayal. Tell him “No!”
I don’t know how anyone can cheat on someone they supposedly love, if someone kisses you, fair enough you stop them, not carry on kissing them back, he must of thought about you at least once while kissing gf then taking clothes off then having actual sex, so to carry on after that he must have thought “oh well my wife won’t know/doesn’t matter. That kind of betrayal is unforgivable.
And that’s without having a child as a result and THEN trying to move said child in. Imo there’s no love from his side, he needs to fuck off with the kid and leave you and your kids in your house to not upset them any further than they already will be after finding out what he’s done.
NTA and good luck with whatever comes next, there’s plenty of places online to help you through hard times, I’ve had someone here in the past talk me out of doing something stupid.
Yes she lied to you for nine years every single solitary day every day he was the person who was lying. The child is innocent. I can’t imagine doing anything other than divorcing and leaving anyway possible. Either he is completely delusional or massively manipulative to approach this in a happy go lucky ways if you two are going to be parents of the child who resulted from him cheating. I’m so very sorry.
IMO Reddit can’t help you with this. You’re between a rock and a hard place. I think you should sleep on it. Talk to friends that you can trust. Talk to a therapist.
Bringing a child into a home where you resent them and only make the choice out of obligation is not safe for them. Putting them into the foster system is not a great option for them either.
Also your husband needs to get a paternity test before moving forward.
No matter what you and your husband need to do something about this transgression. It’s pretty concerning that he has sat with this for long enough that he knows his own feelings and reactions around it but is just bulldozing over you and your timing acting like everything has been decided. If you can truly forgive him and not hold your husband’s mistake against this kid then it could be a beautiful thing but if you can’t then it will be hell for this child and they don’t deserve that. You have a lot of decisions to make. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
NTA it’s not just that he’s known about the kid for a month it’s the fact he cheated on you years ago and hid it from you. I would be questioning if he’s cheated on you other times with other women. I could never trust him again.
You take your time to grieve everything you lost. Then you make him leave with his child. Otherwise you will turn very bitter and resentful of the life he forced you into. You don’t want to raise this child. He is innocent but that doesn’t change the fact he’s from a betrayal of the worst kind. Your husband seems to think if he puts a big enough bow on this child then you will be all happy and excited and forget how he came to be. You won’t. Most of us wouldn’t be able to do this either so don’t feel bad. Take your time to grieve and then tell him to go. And if he says no, start telling all his family of this betrayal and to come get him. You aren’t in the US, so I assume your country doesn’t look kindly upon affairs as most don’t and most won’t act like it was ok. He did this. He can go and live elsewhere and not disrupt your children’s lives with moving. I’m sorry. I’m
Truly sorry for you. I would hug you if I could. NTA
It baffles me how a person can’t hold themselves together for a few days while their spouse goes out of town. She never visits with her friends but the one time she does, he breaks down and has an affair. What a weak, weak man.
She should not have to accept this. I wouldn’t. He can move out and get a place for him and the child.
NTA
All of your feelings are understandable and completely justified. I am so sorry this is happening to you. Take the time you need to think as these feelings aren’t just going to go away…. Best of luck to you. NTA
You need to get ahead of this and tell all your friends and family he sprung a surprise affair child moving in onto you and is now gaslighting you. Don’t let him make the first public statement. He’s going to paint you as a cold harpy who hates a child. Make sure everyone understands what he’s done.
Your marriage is over. He definitely cheated more than once. You only THOUGHT you had a good marriage, but you didn’t. Sorry, that sucks, but the actions you take in the next few days are going to affect your and your kids’ lives forever. You can’t afford to sit and cry and do nothing while letting him change the public narrative.
The kid has presumably been living with his mom for the last 9 years. Isn’t she going to have something to say about him leaving and moving in with a new family, and a 9 year old may not want to uproot his life to move in with a new family. Your husband had more than just your feelings to consider. NTA
He’s not giving you the full truth and needs a DNA test.
You can have empathy for the child without becoming responsible for him. The child himself is innocent in all this, but he will remind you every day of your husband’s betrayal.
The one to blame is your husband. You do that by divorcing him.
He didn’t cheat just one time. I would bet MONEY on that. He just got caught once.
Regardless of whether he takes in his son, you need to let this one go. He’s not the man you thought he was or need him to be.
Nah. He’s a AH. He’s trying to spin the narrative and honestly? I hate to say it but he’s ecstatic bc he has a son from his own genes. He may say he loves his adopted children the same as if they were his own blood but it’s such a lie.
Kick him to the curb and file for divorce.
Updateme
updateme
So he’s just happy he has another kid that looks like him and nothing more? Well, good luck with that marriage
NTA.
Your husband is a very selfish man. He chose to cheat on you while you were away, He didn’t accidently trip and his penis happened to land in her vagina. His excuse that he was stressed and lonely are BS. He could wait until you got back. He couldn’t deal with his stress by going home to his 4 minor children and spending time with them. He is a liar. Why should you believe it was only 1 time? Why should you believe he has only known for 1 month, or that the child’s grandparents can’t take care of him? Why should you believe a word out of his mouth?
What happens if you stay with your husband and take the child in to raise, then the child’s mother gets out of jail? Does she take the child back or do you keep the child and she has visitation? You would have to deal with her being around your husband for visits and major life events such as graduations and weddings.
NTA
I think you need to separate from your husband. He had an affair and you didn’t find out until 9 years later. He has been lying to you for nine years. I seriously doubt that it happened only once. There’s like a 5% chance of getting pregnant from having sex one time. The woman is obviously a shady character being in prison and all. And your husband didn’t feel guilty, or he would have told you before. He only told you now because he had no choice. Him or you need to move out and figure it out separately. He is just going to try to guilt you into this role, and you need time away to make up your own mind.
Updateme
NTA – I would divorce over this. He cheated. He never came clean about it and hid it from you for years OP. How many other things has he lied about? How many women has he slept with behind your back? He’s now bringing his biological child into your home like it’s ok? It’s not ok. My recommendation is that he moves out while you take time to process this news. Separating will do you good. He’s literally just told you about it and I think he needs to allow you to decide if this is what you want, not just what he wants. Betrayal cuts deep. There is no excuse for cheating ever. Also seek legal advice about what to do if you decide not to reconcile.
DNA test to confirm parentage
Your husband needs to find a place for him and his son to live. You saying no doesn’t prevent him from housing his child.
NTA
You have lots of advice. I just wanted to offer you an internet hug.
Your whole world has been absolutely rocked and you have no choice but to question everything that has happened in the last 9 yrs. Im so sorry this happened to you.
Please, be gentle with yourself. You have every right to scream ‘stop’, until you can catch your breath and decide which way you want to handle this.
You don’t owe anyone, anything! Just keep this in mind when you make your decision.
I’d show him all the local rentals in the area !! NTA absolute narcissist blaming you for being away and now wanting to move him in yeh I’d show him the door . Good luck
OP-the relationship you describe as so wonderful is in fact a Fantasy .
He obviously did not see it the same way you did or do .
You do not cheat because you are at that moment stressed .
People cheat because they want forbidden fruit .
You say you were his first —obviously not his “ last “.
He wanted to see what it would be like with another woman .
Apparently one with low scruples because she is also now in jail .
HE NEEDS a DNA test .
But YOU need to ask him to move out ( in the US moving out yourself would be disadvantageous).
You need time alone to regroup and think .
Take that time .
Do you have a trusted good friend ?
Do not let anyone tell you how to feel -including me .
Take time and see how you really feel .But do not keep saying how perfect he is .
Because he is obviously NOT the person you thought he was .
NTA that child will be a daily reminder of infidelity. You will hold it against the child even if you consciously try not to. This is not a good situation. Your husband’s excitement over a biological child will also cause issue with the adopted children. This is a can of worms you don’t want to open. I know you feel bad for the child, as they are innocent in this, but so are you!
NTA. If he chooses to take the child in, then all I can suggest is that you walk away.
It would be unkind to everyone to try and blend families when there is so much hurt and resentment there. Especially to that poor child.
Divorce him. I can’t imagine how miserable it would make me to be in this situation.
What a mess. Get counseling. You have some thinking and decisions to make. Cheaters are terrible morally bankrupt people unfortunately
What do you want? Are you willing to allow the child in your home and are you willing to care for him? And btw is your husband fucking delusional to think you and the other kids will be welcoming to his affair child? Its not the kids fault, but more importantly its not your responsibility to do so.
If you allow this, then its a big fuck you to your marriage. What’s to stop him from bringing home other children since it worked out.
You need therapy and you have the autonomy to make this decision. If you are able to accept and allow this child in your home, can you guarantee that you will love him and treat him right? Are you kids going to be able to accept this? And most importantly, how are you going to be able to explain why you guys have a extra child. Will you claim hes adopted as well?
Your in a tough spot and if you left, noone will blame you, but if you stay, don’t be mean to the Lil shit, its not his fault his dad is a huge douche
It’s time for you to protect yourself and get a lawyer. Your husband lied to you — I highly doubt this was a “one time” thing, and he is unhinged for thinking you would accept this. Get out of there, OP, run far from him.
NTA
Divorce him and focus on *your* kids.
You have no obligation to be involved with this child.
Has there been a paternity test to confirm he is the father?
NTA!!!!!!!!!!!!
>…my husband is completely ecstatic because he said the boy looks so much like him …
What an insulting thing to say to your wife. Let him be ecstatic as your ex-husband and a single parent.
If your husband insists on taking in his love child, my advice would be to divorce him. I don’t know what the divorce laws are where you live, but you certainly have physical proof of infidelity. Please consult a lawyer, and insist on a paternity test.
NTA. OP, I think moving your husband’s child into your home will be damaging to you, and especially damaging your kids. Your husband is obviously over the moon about having a bio child. I’m sure your kids will pick up on that, and it will hurt them. And I’m sure your husband will stop spending much time with your children, in favor of the bio child.
It isn’t the kid’s fault that he’s in this situation, but it’s not your fault either. Do what is best for you and your children. Your husband deserves no consideration from you.
I bet this isn’t the first time he’s cheated either – only because it resulted in a child. Divorce him. NTA