AITA ot WIBTA if we don’t let my mil siblings visit once a month.
This sounds a bit much, I get it.
First our situation, my mil lives with us. She has alzheimers (dementia) and can’t live on her own anymore. She lives in a annex she shares with her beloved cat. We cook for her, drive her to her appointments, take care of her medication, clean and wash for her, these are all things she can’t do by herself anymore. She is cognitively still pretty ok, she can say what she wants and doesn’t want.
Her two siblings live in another country, they talked to each other and decided that they want to come over once a month for a week to spend more time with her. They believe she is not doing enough and they want to step in.
The thing is, my mil is on a strict routine, she thrives with this. We take two walks daily, with our dog, we go to the store to pick up things she needs. On Wednesday we go to a storecenter close by to get lunch and coffee. On Sunday we go to mac Donald’s, which she loves.
Nothing too much and nothing too long because that interferes with her routine.
When her siblings come here, they will take her all day out, go sightseeing, often for 6 to 8 hours a day. She enjoys this but also gets very tired and the week after she needs a lot more care, she forgets more and wants to basically lie on bed all day. They buy her new stuff, which is sweet, but new things confuse her because she doesn’t recognise it, so she keeps on putting it in new places, gives it to me or simply throws it out. We told them not to do too much but they refuse to listen and don’t follow her routine. We buy her new things that are the same or look very similar to what she already has when it needs replacement. So she recognises it.
So when they said they want to come for a week once a month we said no, mil also said she doesn’t really want it because they push her to do too much because they feel like she has to experience everything before she gets too bad. I understand this but according to her dementia consultants doing too much can also make her decline go faster.
So, are we the bad guys for not wanting to go along with this?
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AITA ot WIBTA if we don’t let my mil siblings visit once a month.
This sounds a bit much, I get it.
First our situation, my mil lives with us. She has alzheimers (dementia) and can’t live on her own anymore. She lives in a annex she shares with her beloved cat. We cook for her, drive her to her appointments, take care of her medication, clean and wash for her, these are all things she can’t do by herself anymore. She is cognitively still pretty ok, she can say what she wants and doesn’t want.
Her two siblings live in another country, they talked to each other and decided that they want to come over once a month for a week to spend more time with her. They believe she is not doing enough and they want to step in.
The thing is, my mil is on a strict routine, she thrives with this. We take two walks daily, with our dog, we go to the store to pick up things she needs. On Wednesday we go to a storecenter close by to get lunch and coffee. On Sunday we go to mac Donald’s, which she loves.
Nothing too much and nothing too long because that interferes with her routine.
When her siblings come here, they will take her all day out, go sightseeing, often for 6 to 8 hours a day. She enjoys this but also gets very tired and the week after she needs a lot more care, she forgets more and wants to basically lie on bed all day. They buy her new stuff, which is sweet, but new things confuse her because she doesn’t recognise it, so she keeps on putting it in new places, gives it to me or simply throws it out. We told them not to do too much but they refuse to listen and don’t follow her routine. We buy her new things that are the same or look very similar to what she already has when it needs replacement. So she recognises it.
So when they said they want to come for a week once a month we said no, mil also said she doesn’t really want it because they push her to do too much because they feel like she has to experience everything before she gets too bad. I understand this but according to her dementia consultants doing too much can also make her decline go faster.
So, are we the bad guys for not wanting to go along with this?
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> Are we the AH for not letting her siblings visit once a month and stay here for a week?
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Both my parents had dementia. While I’m sure her siblings mean well, I don’t think dragging her out on outings all day long is a good idea. You are right, a routine is good for her right now. As she declines, taking her to strange places will be overwhelming and confusing for her. If they want to visit, maybe make it every other month or every three months, but limit the outings. Everything that they are doing with her, she is going to forget. Instead, they should talk to her. Reminisce with her. Just be with her. Take pictures. Keep it simple. God bless you on your journey.
NTA
NTA
Just explain to her siblings that her doctors don’t think this is a good idea. And that if and when they do visit (on an appropriate schedule you set with her doctors) they stick exactly to your schedule. They may walk the dog with her instead of you, go to the store when you would go to the store etcetera.
If they can’t do that the first time, that means that the frequency goes down.
NTA – had a friend who had this done to them. Sweet at first yes. However, he soon found out they were sizing up the old man to see how they could get ahold of finances and important documents – sick shit like that. When family members become cognitively impaired it’s always important to watch for who is coming over under the guise of “loving and concerned family”. Make sure they are the ones paying for these outings also. A week stay isn’t peanuts anymore it’ll add up and they’ll likely expect a stipend or something because “you’re not doing enough” or “we love her we know what she needs”.
NTA. And when they do visit they need to get a hotel
NTA. They are interfering with her care. That is not acceptable. Tell them they are welcome to come to town for a couple of days but MUST FOLLOW THE ESTABLISHED ROUTINES. If they won’t comply, don’t allow them access.
No, they are unrealistic & feeling guilty. Try to face time them with you & your MIL
Every few days. They will see her decline. But a schedule is good for her.
NTA
This is a mini vacation each time they come for them. They use her as an excuse to go do what they want to do with no thought to her condition. They are very selfish. You are NAH.
NTA and you’re doing a great job. Amazing!
Absolutely NTA. Sibs need to grow up and listen to MIL’s doctors.