To keep it semi short I (33F) have been married to my (34M) husband for over 8 yrs. I never hid the fact I wanted a ring. My husband had not previously in our relationship made any fuss about getting one. I’d said I wanted one before we were married, after we got married and every yr of our marriage until about a year ago. At the start of the year, with my pay bump, I bought a magic the gathering card called wedding ring. I actually use the card, I like the card, but a few weeks ago I made a joke when I played it that I bought it because it was the only way I was ever gonna get one. It was literally just a joke with zero malice behind it to people who already know I’m married. My husband got really upset with me when we got home saying it was an inappropriate joke and it was unfair to him. I asked him how it was unfair when we’ve been together since 2012 and I’ve been asking for one pretty much every year we’ve been married. That when I found one I was perfectly fine buying MYSELF, with MY bonus he threw a fit because “he is suppose to buy it,” so I didn’t buy the damn thing. I’ve never been resentful for not having one, more like I’ve just accepted that I’ll never have one. I’m actually just upset about the fact that he threw the fit and is STILL upset about an offhand joke I made to my friends. Like if you’re that ashamed of not buying me a ring then just buy a ring?
In the past when I asked (roughly 2 yrs ago) about why he wouldn’t just buy one he said he just didn’t see a point in spending that much on something when he could buy a computer part and it be more useful. This is the same man who gets pissy when I get hit on all the time because I am no longer starting every conversation with “I’m married, that’s my husband over there, please don’t hit on me cause it’ll go over my head.” I’ve just stopped. If it comes up in conversation organically yeah I let people know I’m married, but I don’t go out of my way to be a weirdo who says “hey I’m married” when we’re talking about our favorite magic card. I don’t notice when people are flirting with me anyways, so wtf do I even care. I told him if it bothered him that much buy a ring because I’m done inserting it into conversations with every dude I wanna play a card game with when we’re literally just having fun. I could see if I was reciprocating the flirting, but I am literally to fuckin autistic to pick up on it. It’s a running joke with my dad at this point and how he feels so bad for a guy trying to get my number and I’m over here like look at this 68th picture of my cat.
Asking if I’m the asshole for making the joke and just not running around telling everyone I’m married unless it comes up?
I genuinely don’t think any of it was wrong, but I also can’t trust him when he says it is because he has openly used my autism against me saying things like I’m to retarded to pick up on conversational queues.
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To keep it semi short I (33F) have been married to my (34M) husband for over 8 yrs. I never hid the fact I wanted a ring. My husband had not previously in our relationship made any fuss about getting one. I’d said I wanted one before we were married, after we got married and every yr of our marriage until about a year ago. At the start of the year, with my pay bump, I bought a magic the gathering card called wedding ring. I actually use the card, I like the card, but a few weeks ago I made a joke when I played it that I bought it because it was the only way I was ever gonna get one. It was literally just a joke with zero malice behind it to people who already know I’m married. My husband got really upset with me when we got home saying it was an inappropriate joke and it was unfair to him. I asked him how it was unfair when we’ve been together since 2012 and I’ve been asking for one pretty much every year we’ve been married. That when I found one I was perfectly fine buying MYSELF, with MY bonus he threw a fit because “he is suppose to buy it,” so I didn’t buy the damn thing. I’ve never been resentful for not having one, more like I’ve just accepted that I’ll never have one. I’m actually just upset about the fact that he threw the fit and is STILL upset about an offhand joke I made to my friends. Like if you’re that ashamed of not buying me a ring then just buy a ring?
In the past when I asked (roughly 2 yrs ago) about why he wouldn’t just buy one he said he just didn’t see a point in spending that much on something when he could buy a computer part and it be more useful. This is the same man who gets pissy when I get hit on all the time because I am no longer starting every conversation with “I’m married, that’s my husband over there, please don’t hit on me cause it’ll go over my head.” I’ve just stopped. If it comes up in conversation organically yeah I let people know I’m married, but I don’t go out of my way to be a weirdo who says “hey I’m married” when we’re talking about our favorite magic card. I don’t notice when people are flirting with me anyways, so wtf do I even care. I told him if it bothered him that much buy a ring because I’m done inserting it into conversations with every dude I wanna play a card game with when we’re literally just having fun. I could see if I was reciprocating the flirting, but I am literally to fuckin autistic to pick up on it. It’s a running joke with my dad at this point and how he feels so bad for a guy trying to get my number and I’m over here like look at this 68th picture of my cat.
Asking if I’m the asshole for making the joke and just not running around telling everyone I’m married unless it comes up?
I genuinely don’t think any of it was wrong, but I also can’t trust him when he says it is because he has openly used my autism against me saying things like I’m to retarded to pick up on conversational queues.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Info: I’m confused. Did YOU ever buy HIM a wedding ring??
NTA. He’s the asshole. He’s throwing a temper tantrum because you had the audacity to get yourself something that makes him happy. He’s essentially punishing you for daring to buy something he’s been denying you.
NTA. You’ve been very patient and have always agreed to what he wanted to do. Buy the ring you want and tell him that not only have you been asking for it for nearly a decade, but guys will stop hitting on you. Your husband is acting like a selfish baby.
NTA – just buy yourself a nice ring and be done with it.
NTA. if he decided to not buy you a ring he can stomach the jokes and people hitting on you.
NTA. It’s clear to me that he doesn’t want you to have a ring for whatever reason. I say buy one regardless because your husband isn’t going to and you want one.
NTA. If you want a ring, just buy the damn thing. If he doesn’t like it, too bad.
That went off the rails. He calls you retarded for being autistic?!? I think you have much bigger problems than this ring situation.
YTA
buy yourself the damn rings. i picked my husband and I’s wedding rings. if he takes offense, then he can buy another set for you.
shop goodwills auction site is cheap and great. thats where we got our rings.
hinting and begging and him refusing means youre just being an AH to yourself. when you ask him for things does he usually do it?
ESH-
Look, if someone makes a compromise they also still can feel extreme disappointment.
Yes, you have accepted a ring doesn’t hold the same value to you that it does your husband.
It’s a tiny rock and that not as useful as a part but hold a sentimental value that you cannot quantify. So, although your joke holds no malice it’s highlights the truth, that this will be the closest you will get to an actual ring.
The whole social issue, it’s kinda hard to understand, how it’s related to a ring.
You seems to be unaware of social interactions and your husband has asked you to make people aware that you are married to avoid misunderstandings.
But you rather have a ring to prove this?
I think you need to address the actual understanding issue. It’s not that you want a shiny rock to ward off suitors or have a shiny rock that is useful to warrant such a expenditure. It’s actually because you want your husband to value you. That you a worthy buying such an investment for. That your husband loves and value you, that buying you that ring shows despite not being important to.him, it’s important to you so he has brought it for you.
That compromise didn’t need to be getting the ring or not, but rather maybe the price or value of the ring.
NTA He sounds like he makes promises he doesn’t keep. But if he won’t buy a ring for you and won’t let you buy your own, maybe it’s a sign of something deeper. That’s a long time to wait. To him, a computer part is more important than a sign of commitment. Think about whether that bothers you. If you want to stay married to him, buy yourself a wedding ring. Be prepared, however for actual fallout from this. Good luck.
NTA. If he can’t take the joke, he needs to solve the problem. If he doesn’t want a ring for himself that’s fine and dandy, but you have made it abundantly and repeatedly clear that you do want one. He has continued to choose to not only ignore your request, but throw a fit when you attempted to take the matter into your own hands, actively deciding that his feelings are more important than yours and making you pander to him, which makes him very much TA.
At this point I would put your foot down and tell him you are going out together to buy you a ring, and if he continues to insist that the money would be better off on something he likes, then tell him that instead of buying him a present for Christmas you will be buying yourself a ring and then he can spend his money on whatever he wants for himself.
Nta. He sucks. I hope you get yourself a ring you love that looks like it has magic powers.
He’s not going to get you one but will keep having tantrums about being the one to do so and it will never happen. You seem to care an awful lot. Seems like you’re at an impasse. Or you could just buy one you like. If he has a fit, send him the bill. ESH
NTA.
NTA.
If he doesn’t see the point of a wedding ring, then he can suffer the consequences of there being no wedding ring. He doesn’t even want you to buy yourself a ring, so he’s made this problem by himself and he can either deal with the reality of his choices or he can do something to change it.
Personally, if he’s going to these lengths to avoid having you wear a ring then I’d wonder who he doesn’t want knowing that he’s married to you.
Ooof. This is a rough one. Frankly I hope it’s just ragebait.
To summarize, this husband:
– Refuses OP’s repeated requests that he buy her a ring because “he could buy a computer part and it would be useful,” but then…
– Has a fit when she tries to buy it for herself because “he’s supposed to buy it.” (But he already refused to and said he wouldn’t??!! And OP allows him the authority to prevent her…)
– Gets mad when other guys hit on OP, not realizing that she’s married (seems like a way in which a wedding ring would be useful, no?)
– ****Uses the R-slur on his own wife who is autistic****
Sheesh. NTA
NTA. Your husband doesn’t want to buy you a ring that he is well aware you want, yet he wants the message a ring communicates to be your responsibility. He also doesn’t want you to buy yourself a ring, because he’s supposed to buy it, but doesn’t, and somehow it’s your fault that men hit on you and aren’t aware you’re married?
Then uses a slur to make it your fault but you don’t pick up on being flirted with?
Internet stranger, I say this with all compassion – I do not believe he loves you. He seems to love the idea of a woman who doesn’t value her own desires; who is willing to work harder than he is to make sure you communicate that you’re off the market. Who accepts being talked down to and is cool with her husband using the r word to describe her. Is that who you are, OP?
I understand it will take a lot of effort to extricate yourself from him. But I do hope you consider it. He was upset about your joke because it makes him look like the person he really is. And if that’s upsetting to him, he’s the one that should change himself, not you.
Good luck.
He’s the asshole, first of all if he proposed then he should buy a ring and second of all if he’s using your autism against you by calling you retarded that ain’t fucking right. There’s a difference between retarded and not giving a shit about men that hit on you and not really caring if they hit on you.
YTA for marrying a man who calls you retarded. Is this for real? Love yourself enough to leave this asshole
NTA
Your husband is a HUGE AH – because he compounds on bit of aholery with another and another.
He doesn’t value a wedding ring, but you do. LOVING spouses actually like to bring joy to their spouse. Bringing you joy is clearly not something your spouse actually cares about. I don’t think you pushed for spending a certain amount to ‘prove’ his love; you wanted a symbol, a token. I’m sure that he has wasted many more dollars on things he wanted but didn’t need.
[Now, having said that. I think the idea of him giving you a wedding ring lost all meaning after a few years. I’m glad that you finally accepted that he was not going to give you one (and that if he did, it wouldn’t actually reflect a bond, a love, a commitment – because husband has been crystal clear that he doesn’t consider your opinion, your preferences, you wishes of any importance to him, certainly not more important than asserting his perspective as the only one that matters.]
OK, you moved on and bought yourself a card that is the closest to a wedding ring that you expect to get. You are absolutely allowed to joke about that. It’s your reality. If your husband is embarrassed by this reality, that is HIS problem. And why does he think you should care about his embarrassment when he has consistently been clear that he doesn’t care about your wish?
I do believe he uses your autism diagnosis to make you doubt yourself. Honestly, you should identify someone you trust to be your sounding board. Your husband is NOT a reliable guide for that. In fact, it’s not clear what exactly makes his a good husband to you.
Y’all are hyper focused on the ring (I get it, it’s in the title), but are we just gonna gloss over the whole, “he has openly used my autism against me saying things like I’m to retarded”?
Honey, you got bigger problems in your marriage than his refusal to buy the ring and your inability to see just how little regard your husband has for you is the real issue.
NTA It’s a huge red flag he’d rather spend the money on a computer part than a wedding ring for you.
YTA. To yourself for getting married without a ring when you so clearly need and want one. Why did you even accept his proposal? The fact that he also doesn’t want you to buy one for yourself knowing full well he still isn’t going to get you one says a lot. He doesn’t like you. If he cared at all he would have bought one years ago. Think about that
NTA. Don’t let him gatekeeper anything from you. You should get a ring if you want one. I’m absolutely oblivious to social cues, I often joke with my boyfriend that if I hadn’t met him on a dating app I’d think he would just want to be friends. However, It’s not okay that he sometimes tries to weaponize your autism against you.
I’m going to go out on a limb here: are you both on the spectrum? Because that’s the only way I can imagine someone thinking a computer part is more useful than a very standard and traditional present your wife has begged for years AND somehow finds himself ashamed of not procuring it himself.
He doesn’t want to buy you a ring because he doesn’t understand the usefulness, symbolic messaging, or how important it is to you. I recommend buying it yourself and telling him you did it because he is important to you and you want to show the world that.
NTA. My husband proposed with a ring pop and got his hands on his grandmother’s ring when he could because he knew having a real ring was important to me. You have clearly communicated to this man what your wants and preferences are.
Does he disregard your preferences in other areas of your relationship, even little ones?
Just so you know, any stranger talking to you about their favorite magic card is likely hitting on you.
NTA but you need to have a real “sit down when you’re both calm and don’t get up until you get to the bottom of it” conversation about what exactly the fuck his deal is.
Sometimes it’s better to be single.
NTA
NTA. But I’m more caught on the fact that he calls you retarded. You don’t need that type of disrespect/abuse.
NTA and your husband totally is.
My idea of a wedding ring is a plain gold band , but l think perhaps from the comments and elsewhere you are talking about a diamond or other stone, much more expensive engagement style ring ? Anyway, my point is really , just buy yourself a plain gold band which will hopefully head off would-be interested guys and perhaps make you feel a little better.
lf you really want a more elaborate and expensive engagement style ring, l am sorry, but l doubt he he going to buy it. He sounds deeply ungenerous in thought and deed .
YTA I don’t know if you are in denial, but the joke was made out of malice and you are resentful over it. Your post is dripping of resentment. If you admitted to the fact that you are resentful, then you wouldn’t be the AH, but there’s no point minimising and lying about it. It’s been 8 years, he isn’t getting you one, just buy yourself one
ESH. There’s just too much to go into!
NTA. Your husband doesn’t like you.
ESH
He sucks because he doesn’t buy you a ring, then pulled the “BuT i’M sUpPoSeD tO bUy It” line when you wanted to buy one yourself.
You suck because the “joke” was a low blow. You don’t get to make an AH “joke” and then pull the defensive “BuT iT wAs OnLy A jOkE!” Line. No, it wasn’t. If you didn’t care about the ring and were “never resentful” about not having one, like you say you don’t, you wouldn’t have made the “joke”.
This certainly went places. You shouldnt marry someonw who calls you slurs.
NTA but also esh, why are you with this person? He doesn’t listen to what you want or to what is important to you and gets pissy about the consequences of his own inaction.
NTA. You clearly want a ring. If he wanted to make you happy, he could buy you a ring with a semi-precious stone for about $250. Unless you are talking about wedding bands, in which case he can buy you a silver one for $20. Either way, it isnt about the money, it is about showing your partner you care.
ESH. I hope this is trolling or rage bait because I am confused as to why anyone would settle, is marriage really that vital to life? I want to say NTA because you did nothing wrong by saying what you said but I’m going ESH because 8 years no ring despite asking every year, at some point one has to love and want more for themselves.
NTA about the joke, but stop letting him dictate you having something you want and that means something to you. He sounds selfish.
He says he could buy a computer part, something that he wants and not something he needs and thinks that is more logical than getting you something that you want as a symbol of your commitment to him that is used to show that you are not available to other people without needing to say anything?
Yeah, no. He is self-centered and not a kind person on this subject.
EDIT: Also, go get yourself a nice ring with your money. If he complains, tell him he can go buy his “useful” computer part with his money.
NTA
But I do think he’s controlling and using the fact that social stuff and interactions- like him being controlling- can go over your head. Calling you names like that is horrific. He’s actively being awful to you and you deserve better.
Sunk cost fallacy and all that. Try suggesting couple’s counseling and if he blows up about that, that’s gonna be your HUGE red flag. There are already several just in your post.
NTA, but I don’t understand your husband at all. Does he also not wear a ring? Why would he not want you both to have the classic visible symbol that you are in a committed relationship? Very odd.
NTA but he literally told you he doesn’t value you.
He doesn’t see the function of a ring and he doesn’t believe or care that you want one.
He actively stopped you getting one FOR YOURSELF
It’s hard to not see this as a symbol of your relationship as a whole.
Also hello he also disrespects you in other ways like how he talks about your autism.
Why would you stay with someone for 8 years who doesn’t seem to like you very much?
Holy shit, girl. The temper tantrums? The sole focus on himself and his wants? That is a child walking around in adult clothes! He does not value you at all.. a computer part is more useful than a ring? In practicality I guess, but he’s setting you up for situations he has proven are excuses to be mad at you. And he also does not care about the things that matter to you!
Then he calls you a slur to your face? 😭
Sweetie, you were NTA for the joke or not announcing your relationship status in every conversation but I truly hope you truly evaluate your relationship and your self worth. You deserve your ring! And you deserve to be loved and valued by a partner who sees you as an equal, not as a pet.
You made it more complex than just about a joke. It could have been a simple Y T A for making him look bad in front of other people. Obviously with all the additional context, ESH.
Does this guy even respect you? He seems to think less of you for your autism. Plus, he’s controlling. If you want to, buy yourself a damn ring.
>he has openly used my autism against me saying things like I’m too regarded to pick up on conversational cues
Dump him