Okay so I am 33M and my wife 29F we have been together 10 years married for 6 years.
We have always worked for everything we own and do. I took a job that allowed her to quit her office job and stay home with our kid that job after 3 years got shut down and I was laid off and looking for work she decided to go back to work while I was looking for a comparable job that I was laid off from and was a stay at home dad for 10 months during that time. I took a lesser paying job to gain experience in a new field knowing her job paid the bills plus some. A month in to my new job and a lot of stress at her work ( a very stressful public safety job ) she quit and I was the only income for 3 months until she found an office job that paid ok. Already playing catchup financially from me staying home I am so stressed about paying bills and basic needs for the kid and now childcare. A month ago my in laws have surprised us with a family trip to Mexico this fall paid air fare paid stay.
I instantly said thanks but we can’t afford to go my wife is telling me I didn’t even think about it and we fought a lot about the question and then she didn’t talk about it. Now today her mom is asking if we got our passports.
I instantly said no we can’t go financially to my wife and it’s the same fight again.
Reasons we can’t go.
Credit card debt
Barely making enough to cover mortgage and childcare and her car payment.
I don’t have a week of PTO with this job yet and what I did have I had to use because of childcare and the flu.
I need to get some certifications to progress in my field for higher pay.
She has a new job with a week off but that’s all nothing for emergencies if she uses it all.
They want us to have 1500 spending cash for eating out which is almost my mortgage payment.
Taking a toddler on a plane to Mexico
Watching a toddler in Mexico.
Am I an asshole for saying NO we can’t go or am I trying to be financially responsible.
I don’t want this to be a fight it’s a no brainer to me and I’ve explained all this to my wife why we can’t go and my wife and I have had a great relationship and marriage very good at communicating and understanding until this trip. Help
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team
Okay so I am 33M and my wife 29F we have been together 10 years married for 6 years.
We have always worked for everything we own and do. I took a job that allowed her to quit her office job and stay home with our kid that job after 3 years got shut down and I was laid off and looking for work she decided to go back to work while I was looking for a comparable job that I was laid off from and was a stay at home dad for 10 months during that time. I took a lesser paying job to gain experience in a new field knowing her job paid the bills plus some. A month in to my new job and a lot of stress at her work ( a very stressful public safety job ) she quit and I was the only income for 3 months until she found an office job that paid ok. Already playing catchup financially from me staying home I am so stressed about paying bills and basic needs for the kid and now childcare. A month ago my in laws have surprised us with a family trip to Mexico this fall paid air fare paid stay.
I instantly said thanks but we can’t afford to go my wife is telling me I didn’t even think about it and we fought a lot about the question and then she didn’t talk about it. Now today her mom is asking if we got our passports.
I instantly said no we can’t go financially to my wife and it’s the same fight again.
Reasons we can’t go.
Credit card debt
Barely making enough to cover mortgage and childcare and her car payment.
I don’t have a week of PTO with this job yet and what I did have I had to use because of childcare and the flu.
I need to get some certifications to progress in my field for higher pay.
She has a new job with a week off but that’s all nothing for emergencies if she uses it all.
They want us to have 1500 spending cash for eating out which is almost my mortgage payment.
Taking a toddler on a plane to Mexico
Watching a toddler in Mexico.
Am I an asshole for saying NO we can’t go or am I trying to be financially responsible.
I don’t want this to be a fight it’s a no brainer to me and I’ve explained all this to my wife why we can’t go and my wife and I have had a great relationship and marriage very good at communicating and understanding until this trip. Help
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Because I said no we can’t go because we are trying to make it financially and catch up on bills
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Your wife seems oblivious to your situation.
NTA, though I don’t think she is the asshole either. I just think you guys need a mature conversation about this. Both parties listen to each other, give each other the time to speak, and properly consider what the other person is saying.
imo its a solution to many problems in this subreddit
NTA. You’re being the responsible one here. It really sucks that you have to pass on such a great opportunity, but you’d just be digging yourself into a deeper hole if you went on the trip. Your wife, of all people, should be on the same page with you about this, and it’s concerning that she isn’t.
NTA… Free Hotel + free airfare does NOT equal a free vacation
NTA. You are trying to be the voice of reason that nobody else wants to hear. That’s difficult, but it doesn’t mean you aren’t right. If you can’t afford the time off or the spending money, the fact your in-laws can gift the accommodation and transport costs is neither here nor there.
But the AH here is US employment law, giving you such pathetic amounts of paid leave, and not having law to project parents who need time off to care for their child in emergencies, or protection so you get some income when you are off sick and don’t have to use up your tiny quota of time off. (You probably don’t want to know this, but in the UK we get a minimum 28 paid days off per year, plus either paid or unpaid time off for childcare emergencies, and time off for sickness or medical appointments – if you have a good employer they will normally offer paid time, but if not, you get statutory pay if you need 5 or more days off in a row – plus paid maternity/paternity time that adds up to 9 months, and paid leave in event of miscarriage/stillbirth, and much of Europe is even more supportive).
NTA for your reasons for not going. YTA for making the decision without your wife.
You shouldn’t have answered without your wife.
Your position is perfectly reasonable. But you need to talk to your wife. Just unilaterally saying “no” with no discussion is just as much of an asshole move as her going behind your back to say “yes” to her parents.
NTA- unless your wife magically comes up with $1,500 for spending/eating out budget and how ever much it will be to cover the unpaid days you’ll have. But honestly if you’re carrying credit card debt you really need to focus on getting that paid off before you are taking a vacation that will cost a few thousand dollars.
Absolutely NTA, for the most obvious reasons.
NTA – A surprise “paid” trip where you are expected to bring $1500 for meals is great when you’re retired with a savings account – not so much when you both have new jobs, a mortgage, car payment, and a toddler.
NTA for knowing that it is impossible to go. YTA for dictating that and forcing your wife into a defensive position with her family. Her response was “you didn’t even think about it”. You didn’t need to, but maybe she did. You are a team. You need to decide these things together. Communicate!
I have to say you make perfect sense to me. All of your reasons for not going are legitimate and sensible reasons. It’s too bad your in-laws didn’t ask before booking everything. Or, better yet, offer the use the money spent for your flight for helping you and your wife catch up. That would have been a very kind gesture. It’s always hard to catch up after a job less.
NTA ~ It sounds like a responsible financial decision. Now, if after talking to your wife about all of it, and she still can’t understand it, then what about just your wife and the baby go? Yes, it still costs money, but less. I still think you’re correct, but this might be a compromise.
NTA. The trip is simply out of your means. I get how your wife might think of it as an opportunity for a cheaper vacation than you would otherwise have to spend on your own, but it’s the same as buying something you don’t need when it’s on sale- you didn’t “save” on anything if you weren’t going to spend money on it in the first place.
Vacations are very much a luxury. Only think of going on one when you are in a more stable financial situation (i.e. when you DON’T have credit card debt).
NAH Talk to your wife. Try to find a solution that works for both of you. Just saying “no” when she really wants to go is not a good way of resolving conflict.
Don’t go. You can’t really afford it.
NAH
The two of you need to have a DETAILED conversation about finances. Show her the bills vs income calculations. Include the CALCULATION (a subtract) that if you take a week off, that is a week without pay.
She needs to show you why she thinks you can AFFORD to both take a week off from work AND spend money in Mexico.
You need to spell out the consequences to your wife. Your in-laws are talking to her trying to persuade her to go and she isn’t seeing things clearly. With it down: the numbers, the consequences, the worst case scenario. Let her see the numbers. Let your in-laws see the numbers and ask if they really wants to put you, your wife and child at risk of serious hardship over this holiday.
It’s wonderful that your in-laws want to holiday with you. But you simply can’t afford to do it right now. Tell them you need a year or two to get back on a better financial footing, maybe then you can holiday with them.
NTA – however – the way you’ve phrased it, it sounds like you answered the question for the both of you without discussing it with her first. You stated you are very good at communicating – you need to communicate. Making a blanket decision for both of you without her input first is not good communication.
NTA for keeping an eye on the family finances but 10000000% YTA for deciding and answering without even discussing this with your wife—all the more so when it’s HER parents inviting you AND when they’re offering to pay. The money for food is an issue but not an insurmountable one, and considering the stress of the past months the possibility of a break where you only pay a small portion of the value of a family vacation—and have built-in babysitters, to boot—CERTAINLY warranted a discussion. (Taking a baby or toddler to Mexico and watching a baby or toddler in Mexico is pretty much exactly the same as taking a baby or toddler ANYWHERE; sounds like you’re just piling on the excuses.)
It sounds like your situation sucks. Not the arsehole, but I can see how it is a crap situation. I also totally agree with Colorectal Surgeon. The main arseholes are the US employment laws that allow companies to treat employees like robots.
No brainer to not go on such a big trip at this time.
NTA
YTA for only 1 reason to me: you instantly said no instead of communicating your (valid) reasons and asking her what she proposed to them.
I hope she would come to the same conclusion as you but you didn’t even give her a chance.
IMO, this is how you treat kids not your (hopefully, equal) partner.
NTA. Is your wife completely oblivious to your weekly financial situation? Maybe you need to sit down with her and go through your finances in detail and ask her where the £1500 spending money is coming from then ask her where the money to cover your weeks lost wages is coming from.
If her answer is we’ll figure it out or we’ll find a way then you need to understand she is a dreamer living in la la land and not financially responsible and you need to address that maybe with counselling
yta
If you people cant work like adults and stay in a job long enough to earn a trip you may as well take one from granny.
NTA. Sounds like you’re being rational if you can’t afford it you can’t afford it if your mother-in-law was paying for it then go but if you don’t have the money, don’t dig yourself a deeper hole.
Nta.
Because unless her parents are going to support you when the money is needed. Unless they are also paying food expenses. Guese, what you don’t have the money.
So yes, she is mad. But reality is where does she expects this money to come from. What won’t get paid because she is upset she can’t go. Because she doesn’t have the extra money needed.
So ask her again these things.
-So am I supposed to not go because I don’t have pto. So if I do go who pays for that week of money, that is absolutely needed to pay bills. Who pays if I end up fired.
-So who owys and comes up for the 1500 needed. What bill doesn’t get paid so you can eat out. Who makes up the money for said not being paid do we possibly lose the house. Water. Electricity. Car. Food. Gas for work. What is cut off so you can have what you want.
This is a matter of her parents asking she is clearly expecting you to either give in. He has told her parents she is going and will be going without you. Plans on guilting them to pay more for this trip.
She can either tell them clearly that none of you will be going.
She can’t. Go but if and when the kid is sick. She is sick she has to figure out how to make sure she has the income covered because you won’t be supporting her, clearly not putting the bills and struggles before her want to go on a trip.
It sounds harsh, but I have struggled with bills. My child had grown up at a time without electricity or water due to not making enough to pay all the bills. To use food banks so she could eat. So while I get people, I need breaks and downtime. They don’t get to take those when bills are due. They don’t get to put their wants above the needs of the core family. Because that’s just selfish in a way that’s not acceptable.
One should never go into debt or risk losing one’s house for a vacation
NTA. Your in-laws are insensitive. Don’t they remember what it was like when they were a younger couple? I hear of so many older couples who pretend they never struggled when they started out in life or through college (lucky them).
Your vote is “no,” and their/her vote of “yes” lacks responsibility toward your household financial health.
Don’t get your passport.
Besides, who wants to go on a vacation under so much stress?
I’d suggest figuring out how much money you’re going to need for meals, tips, rental car if necessary, admissions, services, etc., etc., etc. throw in the cost of passports and add something for other essentials. Then add in the cost of taking a week off from work for both of you. Do it in dollars. Are there any childcare costs associated with all this? Put that in. Total it all up. It probably comes to $5,000 or that ballpark. Then show it to your wife. Ask her how she plans to come up with $5,000 to pay for this trip? Does she want to do Uber eats? Does she want to do deliveries for Amazon? All in addition to her regular job? Does she expect you to do that? I would take all of that and show it to her and say “What’s your plan baby?”
Perhaps your wife and child could go with her parents, who could pay for the remaining expenses of food, while you stayed home and used your energy on your work related needs?
It sounds like you made a decision that impacts you and your wife. Decisions like this need to be made together. And it’s not that you “can’t go” as you are saying, but that you think it is financially irresponsible (which I actually agree with you on). Quit saying you “can’t” and go talk with your wife about why she thinks it’s worth the risk.
NTA. You’re being mature and responsible and taking care of your family. Besides, being broke and stressed on vacation ruins the whole thing. There will be other trips.
Yes, you’re the asshole for acting like a dictator over your family’s finances and decisions. You don’t have a conversation with your wife, you just say “no, I said we aren’t going, I said we can’t afford it, end of discussion?
Do you pay all of the bills and manage the bank accounts?
More financially responsible people would say you’re 100% right, you can vacation when you’re retired, but the truth is, you can vacation when you’re retired, if you live to see retirement, if your marriage survives prioritizing work every single time, but it’s not likely with this dictator approach to things.
If your wife really wants to go, all of her reasons should be considered, and you should ask her how she plans on covering the $1500, though I wouldn’t plan on eating out every day with a toddler on vacation. I’m sure sandwiches on the beach would hit the spot. She should go with the baby anyway. Life only gets busier and more chaotic. It won’t be as simple as having one child who isn’t in school yet ever again. Most people, even barely getting by, can squirrel away $90 a week for four months.
OP you need to sit down with your wife and first apologize for your immediate reaction. Explain that you panicked, with all the debt you have and limited PTO, you freaked at the thought of unexpected expenses and short pay. Plus you feared if baby got sick before either one of you earned more PTO one of you could potentially lose your job.
Neither of you is an AH. You responded at opposite ends of the spectrum, you with dictatorial practicality and your wife with irresponsible impracticality. You saw only the minuses, she saw only the pluses (face it you guys could use a break). You need to talk and get on the same page.
Seriously though, if her parents are privy to your current struggles, it was a pretty crappy if not downright cruel of them to dangle a trip in front of you. Especially knowing you can barely pay IMPORTANT bills, have no savings and are both new to your jobs, yet expect you to come up with $1500 for food and activities. Not to mention travel incidentals like tropical clothing.
I don’t know if you are in a position to point out her parents acting blind to your situation, but it is a valid reason to be irritated.
Good luck OP!
NTA. Your wife is dazzled by the free trip, not considering the future cost.
i have to admit, i (24F) am in a similar ish living situation, kid, job with low income and behind on bills/playing catch up. if my parents or family told me about a trip with travel and stay covered my first reaction would be to jump on it. get a breather, relax and remind my self and my partner that the world is bigger than our bubble. it sounds like the obvious answer.
but after reading the post and comments i can see why it isn’t that easy and we’d just be digging a deeper hole :/
maybe your wife is in that mindset and your reaction was/is stopping her from clearly seeing all the pit falls of this seemingly perfect chance to get a well deserved break for you both? i see both sides but unfortunately the trip isn’t worth coming home too, a then, even more stressful situation.
If you are still a probationary employee At your new job, you may not have the option to take unpaid leave. I know it sounds harsh, but some employers would probably just give you “permanent “ unpaid leave