For context… My father in law and my mom reach out to us daily to ask about our daughter. Is there anything she needs, did she learn anything new, when can I see her again. My dad has not once texted to ask how she is and if he can come see her. Instead he will ask me to do some work on one of his vehicles then get mad if she’s not awake or is at another grandparents. Or he’ll show up with a random gift once in a blue moon. My daughter is 2 and he’s never asked about her.
This weekend My (M39) dad (M64) and I were talking yesterday morning. He had picked up a bike for my daughter and wanted to bring it by. I told him we were busy in the morning so it would have to be in the afternoon after her nap. I let him know that she typically goes down around 1130 and should be awake around 1ish. Well he decided that meant he needed to come over at 1. My wife and I had also laid down for a nap. My daughter decided she wanted a long nap and slept until 2:40!! Well that meant my wife and I got a good nap as well.
We were all napping so well that we didn’t hear the doorbell ring. It was 65 and breezy so we had all the windows open except her room. He pulled in and saw the door open (Screen door closed and locked but main door open) he knocked, rang the door bell, and sat in the driveway for 30 mins. Then he left…. I texted him as soon as we were awake and never heard back. Later in the evening he sends me this passive aggressive text talking about how “he’s done trying” I texted him as soon as we were awake and he had all evening to come back and see his granddaughter but instead he decided his feelings were hurt and he was done trying.
I explained he chose 1:00 I never said to come by at 1:00 I figured he would’ve messaged to make sure that was still good. I also explained it’s really rare she sleeps like that so we took advantage. Our whole house was sleeping so well we slept through the doorbell. Furthermore, even if I would’ve woken up I wasn’t going to wake my daughter up so he still wouldn’t have seen her. This took up the entirety of my evening with tons of texts and him making it about how his feelings were hurt vs it being about his granddaughter. I eventually let him have it and told him he could’ve come back anytime to see her if he cared that much…. instead he chose to stew all day.
Am I the Asshole? Should I have expected him to show up at 1?
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For context… My father in law and my mom reach out to us daily to ask about our daughter. Is there anything she needs, did she learn anything new, when can I see her again. My dad has not once texted to ask how she is and if he can come see her. Instead he will ask me to do some work on one of his vehicles then get mad if she’s not awake or is at another grandparents. Or he’ll show up with a random gift once in a blue moon. My daughter is 2 and he’s never asked about her.
This weekend My (M39) dad (M64) and I were talking yesterday morning. He had picked up a bike for my daughter and wanted to bring it by. I told him we were busy in the morning so it would have to be in the afternoon after her nap. I let him know that she typically goes down around 1130 and should be awake around 1ish. Well he decided that meant he needed to come over at 1. My wife and I had also laid down for a nap. My daughter decided she wanted a long nap and slept until 2:40!! Well that meant my wife and I got a good nap as well.
We were all napping so well that we didn’t hear the doorbell ring. It was 65 and breezy so we had all the windows open except her room. He pulled in and saw the door open (Screen door closed and locked but main door open) he knocked, rang the door bell, and sat in the driveway for 30 mins. Then he left…. I texted him as soon as we were awake and never heard back. Later in the evening he sends me this passive aggressive text talking about how “he’s done trying” I texted him as soon as we were awake and he had all evening to come back and see his granddaughter but instead he decided his feelings were hurt and he was done trying.
I explained he chose 1:00 I never said to come by at 1:00 I figured he would’ve messaged to make sure that was still good. I also explained it’s really rare she sleeps like that so we took advantage. Our whole house was sleeping so well we slept through the doorbell. Furthermore, even if I would’ve woken up I wasn’t going to wake my daughter up so he still wouldn’t have seen her. This took up the entirety of my evening with tons of texts and him making it about how his feelings were hurt vs it being about his granddaughter. I eventually let him have it and told him he could’ve come back anytime to see her if he cared that much…. instead he chose to stew all day.
Am I the Asshole? Should I have expected him to show up at 1?
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> I told my dad he doesnt reach out about his granddaughter enough
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
ESH
Your dad clearly cares about your daughter, even if he doesn’t directly express it. It is time, you stopped complaining about him being an uncaring grand parent.
Both of you need to work on your communication scales. Both of you also need to cut each other more slack. This is why you are both AHs.
Yes, you told him that 1pm would be a good time to come over. No, you didn’t tell him he should text first to confirm that 1pm was still a good time.
He should have more empathy for exhausted parents of a young child. Those nap moments are pure gold.
All of this could have been solved if you guys COMMUNICATE better. Both of you. Not just him.
NTA overall, I mean your dad sounds like he’s making it really difficult to form a bond with his granddaughter.
However, seeing as you don’t see your dad much, he doesn’t know your routines and doesn’t sound interested in really learning about it, so when you said ‘she should be awake around 1’ to me, that would sound like ‘anytime after 1 is good’.
Knowing he’s a poor communicator, but did say he wanted to come over, you likely should have put more thought into a time that would be good for you, AND said that ‘text when you are thinking of coming’ so you could let him know if she was awake or not.
I mean he sounds ornary, a grandfather shouldn’ be getting ‘mad’ that his granddaughter is sleeping when he’s over, and he should understand that napping happens. Of course if he’s not around much, then I can see why HE’s bothered, but you don’t have to sweat it 🙂
NTA OP, as a kids sleeping time is fluid and not set. He should always message first – how is that difficult?
YTA for telling your dad that your daughter would be awake at 1 or so when he specifically asked what a good time to come by was. “Well he decided that meant he needed to come over at 1.” Why do you think that would happen? Connect the dots here:
Dot 1 – ” I told him we were busy in the morning so it would have to be in the afternoon after her nap.”
Dot 2 – ” I let him know that she typically goes down around 1130 and should be awake around 1ish.”
What other conclusion was he supposed to reach? In general, I’m not a huge fan of parents coming over uninvited, but in this case, he was invited, and he was invited for a specific time. If your kid had the potential to sleep for 3 hours, you should have told your dad to come by at 3 instead.
YTA. You have decided what the definition of a caring grandparent is. Now I ask you, you know your dad, has this ever defined him? Like look back at your whole life, is this behavior you expect something he’s ever demonstrated?
My dad doesn’t call or ask about my daughter, and this is in line with how he has been my entire life. He still 100% absolutely cares about his grandkids. When we are together, he takes her from me immediately and I won’t see her again til we leave. Because that’s how he is.
Furthermore, you stated you expected your father to text before coming. But then went to sleep and didn’t bother to make sure you’d be reachable. You slept through the doorbell, you’d sleep through a text. So he was supposed to wait an unknown amount of time for you to respond and be available whenever you decided.
All in all, you clearly want your dad to be someone he isn’t. Just because your mom or FIL show love one way, doesn’t mean that’s the only way.
All it took was one sentence: I’ll text you when we get up from napping.
NAH
Same boat, you were very clear about expectations and timing. If they didn’t listen then it is on them.
Next time, just tell him you’ll text when you’re ready for him to come over. I understand you’re not gonna wake up the kid from a nap just to see grandpa. Grandpa just has to wait.
He sounds super passive aggressive. NTA at all.
NTA but if he’s not used to the baby/toddler cycles I could see why he would assume anytime after 1 would work. His reaction is over the top though, he needs to understand your lives are dictated by your little roommate/boss and not subject to his whims of fancy. Sometimes it just doesn’t work out.
I would offer you this advice (if you’re interested in trying to make this work that is). Just say “hey sorry if you thought I meant 1 pm was the time to come by, I can understand why it would be frustrating to come and feel like you were ignored.” And then offer to make plans at a time that would effectively be guaranteed, but with the caveat that 2 year olds are highly unpredictable. That puts you in the position of being the bigger/more decent person and if he’s unreasonable after that, then he’s just looking for excuses to be mad at you and not be present in his granddaughter’s life.
>My father in law and my mom reach out to us daily to ask about our daughter. Is there anything she needs, did she learn anything new, when can I see her again.
That sounds a bit much…. Does it bother you?
>
I let him know that she typically goes down around 1130 and should be awake around 1ish. Well he decided that meant he needed to come over at 1.
And so he did. If 1:00 wasn’t good, you should have said so.
When you are expecting a visitor, and decide to take a nap before they arrive, you should set an alarm.
You need to apologize to your father. Call him up now and do so. Invite him over.
YTA
YTA – you told him she was usually up from her nap around 1 PM – naturally, that’s the time he chose to visit!! You should have expected that. I don’t understand at all why you had all the windows and doors open, and yet your father knocking at the door didn’t wake any of you. As an aside, you must live in a very safe or isolated place if you can all be that soundly asleep and the only barrier to burglars is a screen door lock.
And then you expected him to come back at some point, when he doesn’t know why you didn’t let him in and weren’t prepared for a visit at the time you said your daughter usually woke up!
It is also wrong to assume that affection is shown by the number of times someone calls or texts. Some people don’t communicate that way – and your father makes attempts to visit your daughter with gifts. He hardly ignores or dislikes the girl. It sounds like you want him to jump through whatever hoops you set up about last minute changes in nap time and frequency and type of communication, not that you want him and your daughter to be part of the same family.
NTA
It sounds like your father only cares about seeing you & your daughter when it’s convenient for him. The fact that you were all sleeping made it “inconvenient” for him, which is why he’s upset. But, your life doesn’t revolve around him, it revolves around your daughter.
The situation might’ve been different if you’d suggested he call after 1p to see if she was awake, but again, it was on him for assuming that 1p on the dot would be the best time for him to show up. Even if she had woken up at 1p, there likely would’ve been a few things (feeding/changing/etc.) that would need to happen, so he should’ve given a 10-15 min leeway before dropping by unannounced.
The hours-long passive-aggressive tirade by him just shows that he’s TA, & wants you to be available whenever he wants you to be.
I’d suggest being a bit less available to work on his vehicles in the future.
I would suggest a face to face conversation so that nothing gets lost in text. Make sure you are communicating effectively with each other.
Let Dad know that “I’m done trying” is a sad statement, because from your perspective you don’t see a lot of trying. Minimal contact and an occasional gift isn’t a lot of effort, and it’s definitely soured when he expects it all to be on his terms. Explain to him that he would see her more if he communicated more. He has a phone and can text, so plan visits a little better and don’t just pop in. This one instance doesn’t seem indicative of every visit, so the miscommunication about 1pm shouldn’t be such a deal breaker that he should be “done trying” except that he really requires everything revolve around him. Visits on his terms when he chooses to appear. He will need to be flexible and work around the child/family, or he can decide he doesn’t want to be involved.
YTA.
It sounds like your dad is a lot like myself and my grandpa (who raised me) + his side of the family. We don’t do “1ish”. We need a specific time to be there and you’re expected to be ready at that time as well. We don’t have the luxury of having all of this time to waste popping over at some random time hoping that you’re up and ready. It’s incredibly disrespectful and it shows that you don’t value our time. And when we are taking the time out of our day to do something kind for you and you can’t bother to even be awake?? Nah, dude, that’s straight up wrong.
This is your dad. He’s in his 60s. He didnt become this way over night. He’s likely been like this your entire life. You knew this and you knew exactly what he would think when you said she’d be awake at 1.
If you dont want him coming at 1, then tell him to come at 3 so that you’ll be up and ready to go or be up and ready at 1 like you said. I can’t stand people like you.