my (28F) father (71F) is a freelancer architect and clearly seems to have problems managing his money (has happened his whole life) so now he once again has to ask around the family for money to pay his workers.
ofc my mom is tired of giving him money (he also owes her a lot), and i have a feeling my aunt ( his sister) blackmails him into giving the money back so he doesn’t ask her anymore, so now the other person left is me. unfortunately i live in the house with my parents since after COVID happened and after getting my bearings together I’m trying to save up doing oddjobs and part-times so that i can move out again one day.
said this, part of me feels obligated to help him financially but it’s reached the point that all the money i give him is never returned and my dream of moving out again gets farther and farther. today for the first time i said no to helping him and it makes me feel afraid he’ll get mad or threaten me (he’s a moody man but has never hurt anyone) but it also tears me inside because he really seems to need it. AITA for not giving him money?
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my (28F) father (71F) is a freelancer architect and clearly seems to have problems managing his money (has happened his whole life) so now he once again has to ask around the family for money to pay his workers.
ofc my mom is tired of giving him money (he also owes her a lot), and i have a feeling my aunt ( his sister) blackmails him into giving the money back so he doesn’t ask her anymore, so now the other person left is me. unfortunately i live in the house with my parents since after COVID happened and after getting my bearings together I’m trying to save up doing oddjobs and part-times so that i can move out again one day.
said this, part of me feels obligated to help him financially but it’s reached the point that all the money i give him is never returned and my dream of moving out again gets farther and farther. today for the first time i said no to helping him and it makes me feel afraid he’ll get mad or threaten me (he’s a moody man but has never hurt anyone) but it also tears me inside because he really seems to need it. AITA for not giving him money?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> my father considers me an asshole for not giving him money to pay his workers
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA – your dad is unfortunately. Both for him and his workers who are going to get stiffed for money.
All you will achieve by bailing him out is putting off the inevitable. He is living beyond his means but this is being enabled by people paying for his (financial) shortcomings.
NTA
Unfortunately if he’s consistently making bad decisions, it’s his own fault. It sucks, and of course he wants to pay his employees and if you know any of them you might feel bad about it, too, but it’s not your company, not your responsibility. Also, he’s old enough to retire, so maybe this will be the push he needs to take that step and let the business rest. He’s not getting a higher social security after 67 (assuming US), and his own bad business decisions make it seem like he is at the point that he needs to retire.
I’m going to reflect this back to you so you can see what we see:
Bailing someone out of a financial hardship is causing her a financial hardship. Not just any someone, a parent, who appears to make the daughter feel guilty about not wanting to help when she is also struggling. This parent asks for financial assistance knowing that his daughter is financially strapped. This parent has been foolish with his money his entire adult life.
Tell me what that looks like to you? Who is the AH here?
NTA
Tell your dad to talk to his bank. Their entire business model is based on borrowing money – and if a bank isn’t going to finance his business, neither should anyone else.
NTA – It is good for you to set some financial boundaries. But if you still feel obligated in helping in some way because you live with your parents then work out an arrangement to pay them rent that you both feel good about. Don’t confuse the two issues. Maybe say “no” to lending your dad money and instead say “yes” to paying some rent that is affordable to you and can help your dad out too.
NTA. You need to start hoarding your own money as best you can because clearly your own father is financially incompetent. Do whatever you have to do to keep your own finances under wraps. Got a raise? Got a bonus? Getting good interest on a money market account? Great. That’s your business. Do whatever you have to do to avoid conversations about money and make sure you let him know that you literally have nothing to spare due to your own expenses or whatever you already have to pay for out of your own pocket. Complain about food prices. Utility costs. Pitching in at work for coworker’s birthdays, IDK, whatever you can come up with to be a brokie in his eyes because he can’t ask if he thinks you don’t have it, or, like your aunt, expects it to be paid back.
Nope he needs to either cut back on workers if he can’t afford to pay them you pay you will always be paying
NTA.
It sounds like your dad has a lifelong pattern of poor money management. As hard as it is to watch, it’s not your job to rescue him every time. It was his choice to take on employees, and paying them is his responsibility as an employer. If you continue to bail him out repeatedly, you’re actually enabling the cycle rather than helping him solve it.
You’ve been generous, and it’s clear you never see that money returned. Meanwhile, you’re living at home trying to rebuild your independence after a difficult time. Every dollar you give him pushes your dream of moving out further away.
If he’s going to get moody or upset with you, it just means he’s gotten use to leaning on you for help.
Yes he’s your father, people feel obligated to help family, but you have to know where to draw the line in the sand. You’re not abandoning him, you’re recognising that his problems cant keep becoming your problems.
NTA. If this was a one-time thing, my answer might be different, but this sounds like a pattern. You aren’t responsible for his business. I’m also cynical, so I can’t help but wonder whether he really needs to pay his workers or whether the money is going to pay gambling debts or buy drugs or something. Besides, unless you forgot to mention that you won the lottery, you don’t have the money to give him.
I feel like if a business isn’t making enough money to pay 3 workers, 3 workers are not needed. The business is a money pit.
DO NOT GIVE HIM YOUR MONEY!!!!
I wouldn’t normally shout like that but really. Don’t.
Say that you don’t have any left after the last time, and then you can turn it and ask when you’re getting it back (offense is sometimes the best defence). Also might be an idea to put your money into somewhere that even you can’t just instantly access.
But at 71, he really should have figured this finance lark out. And also, given that he’s 71, bear in mind you’re probably a physical match for him if he tries anything, given that he’s about 20-30 years past prime and you are right in it. And if he does try something, then you let him know that you WILL call the police.
You will never get independence with him constantly draining your reserves. And it sounds like you really need your independence. Good luck
Edited to add: Absolutely NOT an asshole. 100%nta
NTA
If he really needed the money, then he would have learned from his many previous mistakes how to manage it.
You teach people how to treat you. If you give him the money, then the message that you will send is that you can be swayed by guilt instead of common sense.
NTA
Do not give him money.
By giving your dad your money, you, TOO, have poor financial management.
Don’t be like your dad.