I don’t have kids, or need to buy a house (renting is a better option in my city), and have pretty inexpensive tastes. So, even though I’m not rich, I can afford basically everything I want and need in life and save money.
My friend has very expensive taste; clothes, dining, travel etc. always has to be expensive. We’ve gone on holiday a few times together, and they were overtly depressed if stayed at anything less than a 5 star hotel. I’m not judging them for what makes them happy, just because it’s not what makes me happy.
Anyway, they’ve curbed the spending habit in an attempt to pay off their debt, but the interest rate is so high that most of their repayments are eaten up instantly.
5-10k would make their remaining debt interest-free, and I could afford to not be paid back for it. However, I’ve also been in their position before. If I had gotten a handout, I would have never learnt how to be financially independent. Also, I’m historically a serial enabler. I’ve bailed out friends many times (~10k has never been repaid) just because I can’t stand to see anyone struggle like I had to. It’s chronic, I even paid for the hotel upgrades with this friend after seeing how sad they were in 4 star hotels.
Have I just lost touch with the struggle now that I’m privileged, or is it true that helping people in need just enables them to never work harder?
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I don’t have kids, or need to buy a house (renting is a better option in my city), and have pretty inexpensive tastes. So, even though I’m not rich, I can afford basically everything I want and need in life and save money.
My friend has very expensive taste; clothes, dining, travel etc. always has to be expensive. We’ve gone on holiday a few times together, and they were overtly depressed if stayed at anything less than a 5 star hotel. I’m not judging them for what makes them happy, just because it’s not what makes me happy.
Anyway, they’ve curbed the spending habit in an attempt to pay off their debt, but the interest rate is so high that most of their repayments are eaten up instantly.
5-10k would make their remaining debt interest-free, and I could afford to not be paid back for it. However, I’ve also been in their position before. If I had gotten a handout, I would have never learnt how to be financially independent. Also, I’m historically a serial enabler. I’ve bailed out friends many times (~10k has never been repaid) just because I can’t stand to see anyone struggle like I had to. It’s chronic, I even paid for the hotel upgrades with this friend after seeing how sad they were in 4 star hotels.
Have I just lost touch with the struggle now that I’m privileged, or is it true that helping people in need just enables them to never work harder?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I didn’t help out a friend with a loan even though the money would change their life, and not affect mine. I might be the asshole because I was told I was being selfish and privileged to not help, and I’ve forgotten where I came from (being poor). They could be right, but also a part of me believes helping them out will do more harm than good.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
It is good to help a friend in need, but come on, “being sad in a 4-star hotel” and having a friend pay for an upgrade? That’s not a genuine need, that’s just taking advantage. NTA.
NTA. You’ve been very generous but this friend is not struggling. She is just quite spoiled and wants upgrades to luxury level all the time.
There is a difference between wanting luxury and needing basic survival resources. I’d help friends with the latter, but not with the former.
Your friend can reduce her expensive tastes until she gets into better financial shape. Do not contribute.
NTA. Loans make friendships weird.
Also, all they need to do is to tighten their belts just a little- like miss one or two vacations abroad or not buy a thing they don’t really need (like a purse)- to save that $5k.
NTA!
for starters, if they couldn’t be responsible with their money then that’s their own problem, not yours. you are in no way shape or form obligated to lend them money! especially if there’s been past occasions where others haven’t paid you back. Also, 5-10k is a lot of money to hand out to someone, you’re better off keeping it so you can have better retirement and/or a safety net to fall back on incase anything goes badly.
You’re absolutely right in her needing to do this herself – people don’t learn until they’re hit with reality. Let her know you’re there for her, just not financially.
NTA
it really depends on circummstances. unfortunately its gonna be hard for you to tell these circumstances
like it depends on if they are preying on your kind heart and know you are the most likely to let it go because they know your previous history
But its not always true that lending and helping is teaching to be financially immature
what i would suggest is a compromise
You could lend the money but on the basis they pay it back when they are more comfortable and without interest. That way they can have less pressure
don’t be an enabler. But if you “lend it out” i wouldn’t expect re-payment.
large loans between friends definitely has the risk of spoiling things.
NTA, you did it right. You kept your spending low and lived below your means, your friend is a dummy and they WASTE money like crazy. It’s a god thing you’re around to teach them this lesson just like you learned, hopefully now they’re going to save money and curb their debt spending! Next time they should read the fine print on the loan! Let them work a second job while you relax with your money so that way they can really learn this lesson even better. I don’t think you should even give them an interest free loan for it, then they’re just going to think they can always bail out with a friend! /s
NTA but probably a lousy friend, and you’re kinda selfish.
Give him 1k
NTA, don’t lend them the $, say you don’t have it or it’s tied up in long term investments
Never a debtor or a lender be. Full stop.
NTA
Refusing the money doesn’t make you an a-hole.
Yeah no— why would you do this? The only thing that could come from helping him is making way for his behavior to run rampant again. He deliberately and eagerly put himself in this situation. Do not help.
There is a reason they are $10K in debt and from what you posted that reason is out of control spending. If you bail them out they will go right back to their spending addiction. Did they actually ASK for this money or are you just thinking of offering?
Seriously, get a grip. Why on earth do you pay for this friends luxury when you don’t spend that kind of money on yourself? Is your money yours or hers? Don’t enable her, and yta if you keep this up.
NTA. As you pointed out, if someone bailed you out, you would have never learned to financially responsible. Is there a financial institution that your friend can speak with? A consolidation bank?
Let’s be real here…these are not “people in need” and they don’t “need” your $5-10K.
If you bail them out, they’ll never really learn their lesson.
NTA.
Let them learn.
NTA. You having money does not mean someone else is entitled to it just because they want it or “need” it.
IF your friend is serious about paying off their debt, they should go to a bank and get a personal or consolidation loan at a lower interest rate to pay off the higher-rate debts (credit cards, I’m assuming). That’s what I did when I struggled with my own pile of credit cards in my twenties– I certainly didn’t demand a pile of cash from friends.
The other thing I did, that your friend also should do, is learn how to build and work within a budget. I kept one for every paycheck, listed out what bills were due including the personal loan payment and so on, estimated how much I was going to spend on groceries and other necessities (actual necessities), then apportioned out the remainder for fun stuff. He should run an actual spreadsheet.
It took me about two years to get to a point where the document wasn’t as necessary, because I’d built the habit of spending within my means and had a real sense of how much I could reasonably spend.
If he can’t do all that then you giving him a pile of money just mean he’ll be back for more later.
Don’t contribute to the cycle. He can learn to budget like the rest of us chumps or he can find another sucker.
NTA. the fact that you’re able to dissect this from a distance in your position is still extremely good imo. Not only are you reasonable/patient about their behaviors but also aware of your own, especially with enabling etc. I’d say you haven’t lost touch, in fact you’re probably more in touch than you think.
sometimes helping people enables, other times its a life saver and exactly what is needed. I suppose that would be the decision worth making.
To me it seems like this would lean towards enabling rather than helping in-need however it’s your money, your situation and I clearly don’t know the whole situation so i’ll leave that answer for you
leme know if you’re looking to enable some business ventures though 😉
Never lend out money unless you are willing to part with it. Not everyone is honest in repaying what they borrow. If she needs money, she can get a loan from the bank.
5-10k is a lot to ask of a friend. Most I could ever see myself borrowing is like $50 for a few days if I was absolutely strapped after something happened and needed gas to get to work for that week.
NTA, but I’m curious how old everyone is?
If they were in danger of losing home or hungry then ok, maybe you would be TA, but this doesn’t sound like that. This is just paying debt. Tell them to get a side gig if they want to get rid of the debt sooner. Or sell some of the luxury items they bought without thought.
Honestly, I’m on the fence. Lending a large sum of money is risky and I would not begrudge any person for feeling hesitant, even when it’s a friend asking. But what rubs me the wrong way about your stance are three things:
You acknowledge that your friend has adjusted their spending habits, but that they’re getting clobbered by the interest rates. Which makes this a situation where a loan really could help.
You also acknowledge that lending the friend this money would be pretty easy for you.
You’re imparting judgment about this friend’s financial situation even as you see them trying to pivot and get their shit together.
The risk here, if you loan them the money, is that they use it pay off their debt and then they go back to the habits that got them into debt. That might mean that wouldn’t get repaid and it’s a feasible enough outcome that I’m not going with YTA.
But I do think your mindset about financial responsibility and “handouts” is asshole-ish and emblematic of what happens to a lot of people as they accrue wealth. I’d imagine you worked hard to get where you are today, and I’m also sure you were the recipient of at least one act of generosity or lucky break.
NTA. Your friend has champagne taste on a beer budget and it looks like they expect you to cover the difference for them. It will become an ongoing problem, if it isn’t already, if you keep giving them money. It already sounds like they feel entitled to your money. It will just get worse.
Yta to yourself if you give her the money. She’s probably complaining to you hoping for a bail out. Don’t let your friends take advantage of you.
You can help her by offering to go through her financials with you and help budget???
I wouldnt lend 500- 1k.
5k-10k? Bruh. You better be like bleeding out and need medical treatment. Even then i’d be like bruh wtf
NTA. If you lose a friend for not loaning them money, you would have lost them anyway when trying to recover it.
NTA. Lending money, especially large amounts, rarely ends well. The most I’ll do for my friends is pay for a concert ticket or dinner if I invite them and they say they can’t afford it. I don’t mind paying for something if I offer it.
NTA. It’s her debt. She needs to worry about paying it off. If you bail her out, she’s just gonna be in the same position again.
NTA. it’s literally your money to spend, however you want. if you don’t want to bail out a friend who put themselves in a certain situation, you don’t have to. that doesn’t make you a bad friend. if your friend is pressuring you though, it does make them a bad friend.
I would step back from the moral lecture portion of it. these might be your reasons but you don’t need to give them that lesson. you don’t need a valid excuse not to give someone money. you can just say no.
NTA. Not like the debt is due to medical or life circumstances. Just living above means.
Don’t lend her the money because she will just go back to her old ways. There are companies you can go through to pay off high interest rate cards. They negotiate a lower interest rate for you and then You pay them instead but they make you give up the card. If she truly wants to change her ways, she should use one of these companies.
NTA
Loaning the money would not be helping someone in need. It would be feeding their bad habits and rewarding them for bad decisions. They’re trying to use you to avoid the consequences of their actions.
Doesn’t matter if you can afford it or not. You give a loan like this, consider yourself switched over from friend to sucker/money lender.
Sad in a four star hotel?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of my tiny violin.
NTA. Your friend has you confused. You are asking the wrong questions. The real question in all of this is why does anyone else believe they are justified in deciding how you spend your money. That is what this all boils down to in a nutshell. They feel like they have a say in your budget. That is the central fallacy in all of this that the manipulation and the guilt they use – intentional or not – is designed to hide.
You are successful and stable because you decided to live within your budget and prioritize your spending like an adult. You friends made different choices. That’s their right. Now they are looking for someone to protect them from the consequences of their choices. That is not their right.
You can choose to help or not. You can choose how much you want to help. No one else has the right to dictate those choices for you. Anyone who tries to insist otherwise is simply trying to use you.
Here is the ugly truth you are missing in your calculus. You “gift” your friend 5K. They get out of debt. Next year, they will be back in the same place asking for more. That is the cycle. Wanting 5 star hotels they can’t afford does not magically go away.
You want to help? Offer to pay for a financial advisor to help them come up with a plan to get out of debt. Watch their reaction. That will tell you how serious they are about changing.
They need to struggle and get a little ‘scared straight’ in their spending habits. If you bail them out, they probably won’t learn their lesson this time.
NTA Suggest they get a new credit card with 0% interest and then move the money over – that way they can pay back the money interest free and the friendship stays intact. You might be able to give money now, but do you know what’s down the line? And do you know if 10K is all the owe? The big question – what is your motivation paying for desires?
Best way to lose money and a friend, especially the ones who spend money on expensive things they don’t have, instead of repaying loan they will end up in same situation as it is but owing you $$ as well
NTA, medical debt? Serious emergency? Job loss? I would try my best to help. She is in the trouble she’s in because she’s a fool, she won’t learn a thing and she will be back for more.
Don’t even get me started on how she will afford retirement if she spends like that now, she will feel entitled to help.
The only thing you ever say to her is you’re broke too.
NTA. If they really only need $5-10k to clear things up, sounds like your friend needs a second job. Wait tables, work at a liquor store, mow yards, anything.
No nope and no way. Good choice. You’ll never see it again.
NTA – Though if you really felt compelled to help, draw up a contract with them to ensure you get repaid your principal amount over a specified time period. Loan the money, give another 12 months so they can really cut into their debt, then they go on an installment plan to pay you back (interest free)?
If they approached you with a sense of entitlement (you have money, you don’t need it, and I do type BS)… distance yourself immediately from that person. The requests will only continue, and will become habit….and you’ll never get your money back.
NTA – lending to a friend is a recipe for the end of the friendship.
NTA. Just no. She’s not entitled to your money just because she’s been financially irresponsible.
No they got themselves into this mess so they can get a second job or I’m sure what they consider cutting their spending is not the same as not buying useless things or cutting to the bare minimum to get these things paid off.
You need to really stop paying for others lifestyle or helping them as they know if they complain or make you feel guilty you will help so they are taking advantage of you.
Just look at them next time anyone brings up money or how they need XYZ and say that stinks next time you should wait to stay there or this company is hiring which would help pay that debt off faster.