Yesterday me(30) and my GF(28) were happened to be in same room while she was working from home. Part of my GF’s job require her to generate some files via. script and transfer it to some other location. I’ve noticed it once in a while that she does run some script in terminal and then copy the generated file to another location manually. So yesterday as a banter I told her “you are only doing copy-paste, this can be automated” (i don’t remember the exact words, but it was something along these lines). She took it as an insult and gave back some to me saying like “you dont know/understand what I do”. Then I repeated the same thing about copy-paste. This goes on couple of times and she ends the conversation by saying to me a word in our native language that would translate to “stupid/illiterate”. Now she is saying I insulted her first so I should apologize. I’m saying I didn’t meant to demean her work and she told me “stupid/illiterate”, so she should apologize.
Am I the asshole?
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Yesterday me(30) and my GF(28) were happened to be in same room while she was working from home. Part of my GF’s job require her to generate some files via. script and transfer it to some other location. I’ve noticed it once in a while that she does run some script in terminal and then copy the generated file to another location manually. So yesterday as a banter I told her “you are only doing copy-paste, this can be automated” (i don’t remember the exact words, but it was something along these lines). She took it as an insult and gave back some to me saying like “you dont know/understand what I do”. Then I repeated the same thing about copy-paste. This goes on couple of times and she ends the conversation by saying to me a word in our native language that would translate to “stupid/illiterate”. Now she is saying I insulted her first so I should apologize. I’m saying I didn’t meant to demean her work and she told me “stupid/illiterate”, so she should apologize.
Am I the asshole?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I said she only does copy-paste
2) Above statement might belittle her work
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Yeah man, you downplayed her work and doubled down when she got upset. Even if you meant it as a joke, it came off dismissive. Just apologize and move on.
Its a lose lose man. Me personally i would just drop it. Shes never going to care how you meant what you said, she will only ever care about how she perceived it. It aint worth the arguement.
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YTA
You basically told her that her job is so easy an idiot could do it. Even if you meant it as a joke, she clearly didn’t take it that way, and your defense of your comment only makes it worse.
Apologize. Chances are you have no idea what her job actually entails.
You insulted her job, and when she said no and tried to brush it over you kept pushing her. YTA, she insulted you back because you couldnt understand how rude what you said was and kept going back and fourth rather than backing off.
YTA
> Now she is saying I insulted her first so I should apologize
You did insult her first, and you should apologise. You belittled her work and said it could be automated, then continued when it was clear she didn’t like it. That’s an asshole move
YTA It’s only banter if the other people agrees it’s banter, that’s a very delicate framework. Saying it once isn’t the worst, though I do struggle to see how it could be anything but an insult some people do banter that way. Anything other than an immediate apology when the other person is uncomfortable with it makes you an asshole, repeating it multiple times makes you a major asshole.
YTA Your comment was rude and dismissive and instead of taking responsibility and apologising properly, you are whining and wanted an apology for what she said when expressing her frustration. If you had said sorry in the first place, instead of trying to justify yourself, she wouldn’t have reached that point.
YTA. You kept going and insulted her! Once is enough but to keep gig h, you’re an AH. You owe her an apology at the least.
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YTA.
‘She took it as an insult and gave back some to me saying like “you dont know/understand what I do”. Then I repeated the same thing about copy-paste.’
She took it as an insult- that’s where you back off and stop, not repeat yourself.
She doesn’t owe you an apology, you knew you were winding her up and continued anyway.
YTA. If you were joking, why did you double down when you could tell she felt like you were attacking her or her job? You were basically telling her that she was stupid from her pov. You’re lucky she didn’t insult your job or go into detail about how stupid she thinks you are like you did to her.
You purposely minimized her work to something that doesn’t require her existence. Telling her that her job could be automated is telling her that she’s not important. She’s not valuable. She doesn’t do anything worthy.
And you just suddenly said it. There was no other conversation happening. You just said “Oh by the way. Your job could be done by a machine.”
How is that NOT intentionally demeaning her work?
YTA
Yta
YTA you suggested that her work was basic and could be easily replicated by automation. Of course you demeaned her work and efforts. Butt out in the future.
YTA and of course you meant to demean her work. Why else would you keep saying that?
ESH. You both insulted each other although you did it first so she’s not wrong.
YTA for sure ..
you are an absolute A. and she is probably right about being a little on the stupid side, you should take her seriously, and try to become more intelligent in general, or else she will leave you for a smarter guy. trust me.
YTA. You admittedly don’t actually know what she does. Judging it is ignorance.
YTA. You thought you’d be funny by insulting your gf and it backfired. Apologize to her and stay away from jokes.
Yes. You did insult her and you won’t apologize. I’m only surprised by two things: You claim to be 30 and she hasn’t dumped you.
I feel like there’s miscommunication with her and then also with us because English isn’t his first language. He didn’t say he meant it as a joke. I think OP meant she can make/run a script so she doesn’t have to manually do a tedious task, not that the task is the sole thing she does as her job.
YTA because you doubled down on your joke even when you realised you’d offended her
DUDE
> Then I repeated the same thing about copy-paste. This goes on couple of times
YTA
YTA, even the way you described it in your post, it doesn’t actually sound like you know what she does for her job.
You definitely insulted her work whether you meant to or not, therefore you need to apologize.
If you offend someone you love the first thing you should think of is apologizing, it is genuinely wild to me that your first reaction is to go ‘oh well I didn’t mean to’. So what? You did and that’s the part that matters.
You made a joke at your girlfriend’s expense and don’t understand why she’s offended….
YTA, and not smart for even thinking you aren’t. Not surprised she called you that. You threw the first stone, she’s allowed to throw back.
YTA apologize.
Most jobs are copy paste especiallynif they use proprietary software. Sure they could be automated but getting IT or someone to build in the automation feature is going to be very long and tedious. Cost thousands of millions and have short reductions in efficiency.
Honestly that’s probably the thing saving some jobs from AI automation
Asshole. Just apologize and do this again. Why would you say this to someone you care about?
YTA. Unless you’re paying her salary and/or you know exactly what her job entails, why are you breaking her chops about it? In future, don’t be surprised if disparaging someone gets a reaction you don’t like. Now you know how it feels, I guess. If you intended this as a helpful suggestion (“I can show you how to do this quicker, but only if you want”) you need to work on your delivery and learn to read the room.
YTA. If it was friendly banter you wouldn’t have doubled down. And tripled down.
Once you realized she took it seriously you would’ve backed off.
“You are only doing copy-paste, this can be automated” How exactly is that NOT insulting? You 100% diminished her job to the most menial part of it, because of reasons?
Would you tell a doctor “you are only asking some basic questions and inputting it into the system. That can be automated”? YTA
Ofc yta! Why is that even a question. Apparantly before yesterday you didn’t really know what your gf does, then you get a tiny glimps, make a very rude judgement based on that and then use that to insult her, laugh at her and not take her seriously when she told you to stop! If she just called you illiterate you got lucky!
She seems to be proud of what she does, you don’t seem to care enough to find out what that is, but do seem to find it funny to make her small. I really fail to see the joke here, well besides the manshaped joke that is your 30 year old ass acting like a teenager.
Yta. Can’t believe you need affirmation for this..
What did you mean by your comment? You’re saying she misunderstood you by thinking it was an insult so I’d like to hear what you meant.
YTA. What did you think you were saying? You said she just copies/pastes – twice. There’s clearly more to the job than meets the eye, so maybe you should have shut up after the first comment? Instead, you doubled down and said it again. I’d be pissed too. I’m retired from a career that, on the outside, may have looked easy/fun. It was back breaking work, mixed with skills that take years to hone. I MADE it look easy, because I knew what I was doing. That’s generally what happens when you’re a pro. You DID demean her work, even if you didn’t mean to, so yes, you owe her an apology. While intention matters, outcome sometimes matters more. You said something ignorant, she got mad, you said it again, and she struck back, Next time, quit while you’re ahead.
YTA. Mind your own business while she is working. Apologize for bothering her while she was working and take her out somewhere.
YTA- Knowing my job, where I use Powershell heavily, I would be livid enough to dump you. You have know idea what she does. Take a walk.
YTA. And you might be a single A soon. Try to learn some empathy before you lose your next girlfriend the same way.
Oh, you are the butt-head.
It is easy to overlook or minimize the importance of many jobs:
The veterinarian is worthless, unless you have a pet?
The electrician is worthless until you need lights or heat or cooling.
Heck, there are those lowlife guys. You know, those guys that make it possible to remove microbes, diseases, and nasty smells from your house……they help prevent more disease than doctors……what do they call those people…..you know, the guys with the “butt crack” showing.
……yeah, PLUMBERS.
Yeah, if there is a job for it,it is important to someone. Sometimes we need to look at things in a new light and you did not.
….
You did mean to demean her work, though: you literally tried to turn it into a joke. That’s what “banter” is. And it *doesn’t* sound like you understand what she does, so she’s right when she says that, as well. You DO seem to be 100% sure that if you make an observation or assumption then whatever you think must be true, which is exhausting and ignorant. Beyond that, you tried that “banter” (whatever) and it totally failed so you… repeated it a couple of times?? What, was she supposed to eventually find you hilarious as you suggest she is doing mindless work and will probably lose her job to automation? Yeah. You certainly sound like the asshole.
YTA. Why don’t you automate it for her so she can cruise even more? If you can’t then maybe its not that simple, you the double asshole.
YTA
You assumed you knew her job after working in the same room for one day. You undermined her value as an employee. You undervalued her skill. You told her she was replaceable. You argued with her because you assume you know better.
Yes, you fucking insulted her. You were rude, insulting, demeaning, and condescending.
Apologize.
YTA you did insult her first and you clearly do not understand what she does.
It’s not banter if she’s not on the same page as you. YTA, are you trying to neg her? Regardless, you have no business acting like this at the big age of 30. Sheeeeesh.
YTA. And yes, you absolutely DID mean to demean her work. There is no other possible explanation for the meaning of the words you used. And then when she explained that you don’t really understand what it is that she does, you doubled down. You should apologize.
YTA
You did exactly what’s she is saying you did, and that’s a horrible thing to do to someone.
A garbage collector only throws out trash to, but you don’t want to demean his job and see them stop for a few days.
Stop being an asshole about the work someone else does, wether it’s a joke or not.
YTA. You did insult her.
Why do you NEED to engage in “banter” with her? What is the point of that?
You’re a bully and need to learn how to stfu.
Everyone thinks everyone else’s job is easy. Until they do it.
Leave her alone. Go do something productive while she WORKS
YTA. You were insulting and then double down and tripled down. I agree with her. You are stupid. A lot of jobs are actual copy snd paste but it’s obvious you choose to not learn a thing about her job and contuine to insult. I wonder which of your parents or siblings said this and you repeated it. You show no respect for her if you really think you are not insulting her.
YTA she’s upset just apologize.
How are you that thick at 30 years old? Easiest YTA ever. Grow up and stop arguing like a toddler.
YTA – I’m sure your gf’s job really is mostly copy/paste but who gives a shit? She still gets paid, right?
I don’t understand people who think having a difficult or important job is a flex. Unless you own the business you are working your ass off to achieve someone else’s dream. If you can just copy/paste and keep collecting a check GOOD FOR YOU!!!
YTA. 100% . It’s unbelievable how you don’t understand that you made a mockery of her job, something that is fudamental in a person’s identity, and are surprised by the consequences. Apologise and admit that you didn’t mean to to disrespect her profession.
> Then I repeated the same thing about copy-paste. This goes on couple of times
Really? And you can’t figure out why she’s mad? Are you being willfully obtuse or are you actually this dense?
YTA. If the other party isn’t participating, it’s not banter. It’s bullying. So congrats on insulting and bullying your girlfriend.
Of all the things you could get yelled at for that isn’t your fault, this one is on you.
YTA. You also need to learn to use spellcheck before mocking your girlfriend.
>She took it as an insult
Right. Because that’s what happened. You insulted her. Insulting your girlfriend’s job and calling it banter is pretty damn pathetic. You’re too old to be acting like this.
YTA
YTA. You shouldn’t tell someone that their job is obsolete.
YTA and you know it, you small, insecure dude.
YTA. You initiated it and insulted her work and suggested she could be replaced by a simple machine. You offended her and should apologize. You double downed multiple times after that.
If she accepts your apology, she may offer you one in turn, but her rude remark was in self-defense, and thus in a way, your fault.
YTA
“I didn’t mean to demean her work.”
What else were you possibly trying to do by saying all she does is copy/paste for a living? Also, you noticed she was offended the first time you said your “joke” and then doubled down and acted totally surprised she found it offensive the second time, so she’s not wrong to call that behavior stupid.
YTA. You interrupted her work to tell her that she was expendable.
>Then I repeated the same thing about copy-paste. This goes on couple of times
Then you kept pestering her while she was trying to work. Saying it once was annoying enough. But she was working and you kept bugging her. Leave her alone when she’s working.
>she ends the conversation by saying to me a word in our native language that would translate to “stupid/illiterate”.
Boohoo. You wouldn’t stop bothering her. You wouldn’t let it go. She needed you to knock it off so she could work.
So, insults are “banter” when you issue them, but deadly weapons when she does? YTA. You started it and kept it going.
If it was me, I’d probably have gone ‘hmm…’ and if there had been a solution, I would have automated it by now. But then I am not easily offended. Every person is different, and we really have no idea what she does and whether it’s a lot more complicated than it seems. Did you guys even have a discussion about the work that she does instead of just resulting to surface level conversation? So now you guys are stuck at insults and who should apologize? and not really about building a better world. huh.
I just hope you read what you wrote and realise who is the AH, because the way you act is pretty clear.
Wow… just wow. Your lack of self awareness at 30 years old. And you’re demanding an apology? You are definitely the AH here.
YTA.
You know what else can be replaced by robots? Boyfriends 👋🏼 🤖 🥒
YTA also for saying “Me and my gf”. It’s “My gf and I”; always put the other person first, if you want to observe proper manners and grammar.
YTA
You did insult her first, and then when it was clear she was hurt, you doubled down and apparently kept going.
You should absolutely apologize to her – you were absolutely in the wrong.
YTA. You knew you insulted her the first time, then said it again and again and again. I don’t know what you expected the outcome to be.
YTA shut the fuck up because she literally said it hurts her and back off with that double and tripling down shit
YTA dude – What was the end game for your comment? Was she supposed to admit that she is useless and what, quit her job?
You sound really insecure about whatever job you have, if any
YTA
Easiest YTA. Apologize to that poor woman.
YTA she is making money doing tiringly bland stuff like most people and you demean her mindset that keeps her going. She should be positive even during menial tasks. Are you also complaining the things she cleans in the house could be done by a robot? You are an asshole, her insult was more polite.
YTA – do you actually know what she does or just assume she has a stupid basic job that could be done by computers because you saw a small section of it?
You could have asked questions instead you assumed and were belittling to her work. Even when she was telling you otherwise you seemed to know more about her job than her.
So you insulted your girlfriend and her work, tried to call it banter when she got upset and called you out on your bullshit, then got upset when she insulted you back?
Yep you’re definitely the arsehole
you are the asshole
NTA if you are right about how simple her job is. Some people have a huge ego about a job that a smarter person could automate in minutes.
YTA. Banter is both people having fun with it. You made a crack (we all do so no judgment there) that she didn’t like. At that point the proper response is you’re right babe, I was just trying to joke with you.
You are very much the asshole, no question. What exactly were you trying to achieve? When it was clear she was annoyed the first time, why did you repeat it? Just to make her feel bad?
You saw a tiny glimpse of her job, made belittling comments about it and then come here to whine.
YTA.