My (F36) husband (M36) has had a bit of a drinking problem in the past. He used to get way too drunk and he’s a mean drunk. He actually got so drunk at our baby shower that his parents had a talk with him bc they were concerned. We had to go to marriage counseling and his drinking was obviously a topic. At one point we agreed he could only have one drink per hour to try to keep his drinking under control, but that wasn’t strict enough and he agreed to a two drink maximum period. Obviously the trouble with drinking is that the more you drink, the more you lose your inhibitions and control.
Cut to tonight, his football team won a tough game. I was there at the beginning of the game and he had two glasses of wine. Then I left and saw a video of him with a beer in his hand. I confronted him about that and while he initially copped to it and took responsibility, the longer we talked about it, the angrier he got and flat out said he didn’t think it was an issue and that I was the one ruining his night. My issue is if I let one additional drink go, then next time it could be two additional drinks and so on and so forth. It feels like a slippery slope. But he said I was treating him like a criminal.
So AITA for calling out the extra drink he had and ruining his night?
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My (F36) husband (M36) has had a bit of a drinking problem in the past. He used to get way too drunk and he’s a mean drunk. He actually got so drunk at our baby shower that his parents had a talk with him bc they were concerned. We had to go to marriage counseling and his drinking was obviously a topic. At one point we agreed he could only have one drink per hour to try to keep his drinking under control, but that wasn’t strict enough and he agreed to a two drink maximum period. Obviously the trouble with drinking is that the more you drink, the more you lose your inhibitions and control.
Cut to tonight, his football team won a tough game. I was there at the beginning of the game and he had two glasses of wine. Then I left and saw a video of him with a beer in his hand. I confronted him about that and while he initially copped to it and took responsibility, the longer we talked about it, the angrier he got and flat out said he didn’t think it was an issue and that I was the one ruining his night. My issue is if I let one additional drink go, then next time it could be two additional drinks and so on and so forth. It feels like a slippery slope. But he said I was treating him like a criminal.
So AITA for calling out the extra drink he had and ruining his night?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) the action I took is confronting my husband and “ruining his night” and 2) would confronting him about the extra drink make me the asshole?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
This isn’t about “ruining his night”, it’s about keeping an agreement that exists to protect both your marriage and his wellbeing. You both agreed on a two-drink limit because drinking more leads to loss of control and conflict. Him having an extra drink isn’t a minor slip. It’s breaking a rule that was put in place for a reason.
Calling it out isn’t policing him. It’s holding him accountable to a boundary you both set. Slippery slope concerns are valid, because if it’s ignored once, it’s easier for it to escalate next time. His reaction (“you’re treating me like a criminal”) is deflecting responsibility. Your concern is about safety, trust, and respect, not criminality.
You’re married to an alcoholic. This is not a “drinking problem in the past.” He’s an alcoholic.
Nope you’re absolutely correct. One leads to 2 to 3 to 4 to fuck it I’m an adult I can control myself..and maybe he will..until he isn’t
Then it’ll be deja vu.. addiction is a slippery slope and full of rationalizing shit to be okay with it. ” 1 more won’t hurt” ” it was a bad day” “just this once”
NTA
He has to want to change. Some people are not alcohol people. It’s probably going to have to be all in, cold turkey
I was an alcoholic for along time and have been in this same fight many times. I don’t think you are in the wrong but I also don’t think it’s a fight that you will win
If he can’t stop drinking, he shouldn’t start drinking.
What is your magic number for it to happen over & over again until you snap? How many times has it been. Alcoholism never truly leaves someone, they will always have that drinking monster on their shoulder and in the back of their mind. The choice is yours though.
You know this isn’t going to work OP, sadly.
He has to want to change, not be forced to change and he doesn’t want to change.
No. I went through the same thing, he never stopped drinking unfortunately. Not through marriage counseling, not through pregnancy, not through parenthood. He was also very verbally abusive when he drank.
It’s not until one day that I realized that he knows this happens if he drinks and he keeps picking drinking over me. Needless to say, we divorced.
NTA but this isn’t going to magically get better. If his drinking is causing a problem he needs to agree to get professional help. If he won’t… you’re going to have to figure out what you decide to do with a spouse who refuses to get help. There are children involved which makes it both more complicated and more vital to address.
NTA, but if your husband’s an alcoholic, of course he’s going to react this way. That’s what alcoholics do. They drink, and then they get pissed there are consequences for drinking.
No it’s totally valid and honestly if it’s a problem like that maybe him not drinking or seeking help might be even more beneficial for the both of you
NTA – tried that with my ex . Didn’t work and that’s why he’s an ex.
Getting off an addiction is tough, first of all, he needs to have it in his mind to quit, no amount of telling him will help.
NTA.
He’s an alcoholic, you can’t fix him.
A mean drunk, you say? Has he ever hit you?
NTA, but I recommend going to Al Anon. It’s a program like AA but for the friends and family of alcoholics. My therapist encouraged me to go when my ex started drinking heavily again, and well, everyone was lovely but it was depressing. Real harsh awakening.
NTA but this is just the start. Make ready your escape.
NTA for calling it out. If its been a problem in the past and you guys agreed that he would only have a certain amount of drinks then its totally normal to call him out on it. I agree with you (you didn’t say explicitly but I’m going to assume) that having one extra beer isn’t the main issue in the sense that he’s going to get wasted but more in terms of the principle that it is a slippery slope. I would say that bringing up that you’re worried it might lead to more drinking when talking to him could lead to a better outcome. Another thing to note is if he has changed his relationship with alcohol, depending on how hard you pushed this topic, I could understand why he would get mad (he probably took it as you treating him as a kid who didn’t know how to control himself, which if he did take it that way its only natural he would get irritated).
Nah, you’re not the asshole. If y’all agreed on limits for a reason, breaking them isn’t just “ruining the night,” it’s ignoring a real problem. Not how trust works. He’s gotta own his stuff if he wants you to chill.
NTA.
Your husband has an addiction and it’s already starting to cause serious problems in his life with his relationships. He’s abusive when he’s drunk and yes being mean all the time is abuse. That’s going to cause a divorce eventually. Even a saint would get fed up with that shit at some point.
The point is your husband HAS A PROBLEM if he wants to admit it or not.
Addicts can’t only have one drink.
Addicts can have no drinks. They need to be completely sober at all times. They are incapable of self control. Which is why they are addicts. You will make zero progress as long as he is drinking any amount. Do you really want to waste your life like this? Always monitoring his alcohol intake to make sure he doesn’t come home in a rage. Doesn’t it stress you the fuck out?
The addiction being legal makes no difference. It’s not normal to drink all the time and become cruel to your wife and cause chaos in your home.
You shouldn’t have to live on eggshells in constant anxiety always trying to monitor and protect yourself from his behavior.
As a person raised by a drink addict I’d always suggest anyone married in this situation to leave early and leave every time. You can’t help someone like this. The longer this goes on the more trauma you will be subjecting yourself too. And all for nothing. Because no matter what you do he won’t change for you.
He shouldn’t drink alcohol at all.
Oh dude. You both fucked up
There needs to be a zero alcohol policy.
It’s time to go. Check out Al-Anon. I grew up with an acholic father. I have no idea why my mother didn’t leave him. I still don’t.
Why are you even still with him to be dealing with this? He crossed a boundary(behind your back*) then accused you of “ruining his night”. Put his stuff on the curb with a note saying, “now I’ll never ruin your night again, because you won’t be living here anymore.” What happens if he breaks that boundary again then hits you if you try to talk to him about it again? Leave while you can.
ESH
Him obviously. Suggest you go to Al-Anon. You can’t control someone else’s drinking
NTA…. The problem with addiction is that number one it’s some thing that you cannot control ever that’s the whole point of addiction is the fact that you cannot control it
Number two is he will never stop/Control tone down his drinking unless he’s ready to. He will never do it successfully for you his parents kids, etc the only way it will ever succeed and stick is when he is ready to when he has hit rock bottom and enough is enough and he is sick and tired of being sick and tired.
And number three the question is, do you wanna be there for that spiral? It’s very hard and you will be the one who gets the brunt of it all. You will receive all of the anger you will receive all of the resentment all of the hatred all of the love bombing it will be you who receives it all. Are you able to handle that? It’s very hard and if you’re not it’s OK and it’s OK to walk away nobody would blame you and honestly you shouldn’t have to deal with that’s .
Addiction doesn’t understand love it doesn’t and it’s not gonna say oh well because this person loves that one we’re gonna tone it down he doesn’t care all it does is find a way to manipulate the person that loves them into enabling them because they know you’ll do whatever it is for them out of love, and it will use as a weapon against you .
As harsh as is it sounds it’s the truth. And you have to remember when in active addiction this is not them. This is their brain under the spell of addiction under the control of the substance and it turns them into a monster turns people into something there or not. and I promise you, it’s very hard to see a loved one go down that very dark road full of self hatred, resentment, and anger, and guess who’s gonna receive all of the projection and backlash of that spiral toxic self hatred life?
I wish you luck. I’m sorry you’re going through this be strong and make the right decision for you. Do not be an enabler and do not allow yourself to be a doormat. Honestly when you make a threat to an addict , you have to follow through it you have to follow your bottom line. Otherwise, nothing will change. You have to let them rock-bottom. It’s me only way to save them.
Edit
I also want to add that this is a very toxic lifestyle for anyone, including children, watching your parent, battle addiction, or living. An active addiction is toxic and catastrophic and it can end in two ways.
Way one is that your children will watch their father, self destruct and say, dear God, I watched my father. I will never touch that stuff or allow that to ever control my life. Or
Way two I watched my father live in active addiction, and I only know what I’ve seen and go onto live an active addiction. Where do you think I learned it?
NTAH
He needs to stop drinking. He’s an alcoholic and has no real control. There’s no ‘just one’ when it comes to this kind of behavior. He should be going to AA meetings.
These people think they can cut back. They don’t want to give it up completely.
Right now you’re thinking that you control this. That’s why you’re concerned about letting this one drink go and the future impact. The reality is that you can’t control it and he doesn’t want to.
This will have a huge impact on your child. Work with a therapist and don’t underestimate that impact. My mother tends to minimize everything and my dad was a mean drunk. The impact was and is staggering. The stress I was under as a child was huge. Truly it stole what should’ve been a happy childhood. Be careful.
Alcoholics can never have just one
The problem here is that YOU can not stop or control HIS drinking. Only he can do that.
alcoholism is an addiction and a serious one, should be no drinking at all, is he is mean while drunk as well counseling obviously there’s been some serious issues,
you cannot force him to get help, you cannot force him to try, he has to want it himself and recognize there’s an issue that needs to be fixed, that is the only way to recover from addiction is wanting it yourself and working on it every single day
if he does not it may be best to go your separate ways as you may not be compatiable with each other at the end of the day and that is fine, it’s great to do your best in a marriage but if he’s already aggressive over adding one drink how aggressive will he be when he has 2 more? 3 more? it’s a downward spiral, talk with a mediator and it it doesn’t work don’t put your safety at risk, it takes a single time for it to go too far and then it will happen again
edit: just to be clear people are telling you to leave cause many of them have lived through this as you could tell by reading these comments, your children’s safety should come first, would you leave your kids with this person if he wasn’t you husband but a close friend or relative instead? if not probably should figure out something else, addiction is an evil thing that’s happens to people and it’s extremely hard to overcome, if he doesn’t want to and keeps abusing you, yes abuse, with mean and rude comments and most likely lots of yelling maybe even getting in your face, you need to leave with your child and to tell you family and his immediately so he can get help while you stay safe, cause detox is also a bitch
Domestic abuse hotline website: https://www.thehotline.org/
Al-Anon Fsmily Groups: https://al-anon.org/
SAMSHA website: https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/helplines/national-helpline
NTA
Hubs does not understand the cost of his addiction and cruel behaviour towards you. Educate him. I suggest you get yourself and your child out of this relationship.
Alcoholics can’t control themselves. They either drink too much or not at all if they get clean. There is no “in moderation” for them. It doesn’t work.
If he can’t stick to two drinks he needs to stop drinking all together
NTA
ESH. You can’t police an alcoholic successfully, stop trying. As for him, he clearly doesn’t want to change. Stop making it something other than it is, and decide if you are OK staying married to an alcoholic.
INFO what did the marriage counselor have to say about his drinking? Did the counselor think it was excessive? Was the counselor involved in this compromise?
A drinking problem is a soft way of saying an alcoholic – and alcoholics can’t control their drinking for very long. He needs help, and he needs to stop, but obviously he’ll never do that if he can’t admit that he’s an alcoholic. I’ve watched friend’s marriages end because of this. You’re NTA at all. Just…don’t stay in a marriage with a mean drunk. Especially since you have kids.
ESH. You both reinforce this. Either no alcohol or he’s gonna be like this, or if he refuses to stop drinking, walk away trust me.
NTA
BUT you are also not his keeper. It is frustrating to watch him drink this way. But you telling him to stop is not the solution. The solution is him making the decision on his own to stop. Until he can do that, it doesn’t matter what you do. He will continue to have problems because he didn’t make the choice.
If he’s a mean drunk, he shouldn’t be drinking at all. This isn’t a problem that’s gonna go away with a 2 drink limit, especially since it’s clear that he doesn’t follow it when you’re not around and since he clearly doesn’t consider it a problem
NTA you’re never gonna win here, you can’t control him and that’s setting yourself up for a life of disappointment
NTA
as a child of an alcoholic i can say that no matter how you feel about it or help him, he’s not gonna stop until he wants to see that change himself. its a disease, an addiction
ETA. He copped to it and took responsibility. Then you kept on pressing him about it and, like people who have been drinking do, he got defensive.
Total déjà vu for me. My ex is a binge drinker. An alcoholic. This is a situation that won’t change unless your husband recognizes he has a drinking problem.
NTA but for someone with a drinking problem, there is never going to be “just one”. it’s never going to work. i had someone in my life promise me that they would drink less, but the moment i’m wasn’t present to hold them accountable and they think they can get away with having more, they would drink just as much as the used to. he needs to stop altogether, it’s always going to build up again
You can’t meter drinks for an alcoholic. He’s either drinking or he’s in recovery. You can’t control his drinking, but you can take charge of your life. You might look into AlAnon.
If he ever drank more than 2 per day period, he must stop completely. You cant beat an addiction if you keep testing or teasing
> I confronted him about that and while he initially copped to it and took responsibility, the longer we talked about it, the angrier he got
INFO:
What was your reason for pushing the topic further? What information or behavior was it you wanted from him that he had not given you?