So, to clarify me and my family are pretty well off , my showers usually last about 20-25 minutes but I always get screamed at after leaving because apparently we should all be taking 5 minute showers..
Her main arguments are “what do you do in there for that long” and I can’t really say scrubbing my body , hair , exfoliating etc etc bc she literally takes 5 minute showers so she would never get it , honestly I have no idea what to do and I’m just lost in how to explain that showering is part of my time to clean and prioritize myself.
Edit : yes I turn the water off when I’m scrubbing my body , washing my hair and then turn back on afterwards
My toilet and shower and bath are separate rooms so its no problem about needing to use the toilet
before going in the shower I always ask if anyone else in my family needs to use it , i know im the only one that takes longer than everybody else so i never shower first
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team.
So, to clarify me and my family are pretty well off , my showers usually last about 20-25 minutes but I always get screamed at after leaving because apparently we should all be taking 5 minute showers..
Her main arguments are “what do you do in there for that long” and I can’t really say scrubbing my body , hair , exfoliating etc etc bc she literally takes 5 minute showers so she would never get it , honestly I have no idea what to do and I’m just lost in how to explain that showering is part of my time to clean and prioritize myself.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1 . I shower for more than 5 minutes when my mom thinks it should be 5
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Just tell her she’s lucky you don’t all live in Finland, my ex used to spend over an hour in the shower 🙂
NTA. Some people can take a 5 minute show, others take a 20 minute shower.. Neither seems unusual.
Perhaps your your mother is very religious and thinks your committing certain sins in the shower and thinks forcing short showers means you won’t do that?
NTA. Who takes a 5 min shower and feels clean afterwards?! At that point you’re only washing and scrubbing your upper body and leaving the soap to run down and “wash” your lower body and stepping out. New flash it does not was the lower body. 20-25 mins is a pretty normal length of time for a shower.
Call her bluff. Take the five minute showers and let your hair go greasy and unkempt from lack of care, and then when she complains about it tell her that this the result of a 5 minute shower.
NTA, even though yes she is the one paying for the water, the shower is not necessarily just a get in, get out for everybody. Taking a break and just relaxing is a valid use of showering and 15-20min is not that long. You could just stop using water in-between rinses and still get the exfoliating and other things done, could possibly cut the water usage by half.
NTA. 20-25 sounds reasonable. Is she upset about the time itself or the water consumption? Does she micromanage any other portion of your life?
NTA as long as you’re not keeping the water running for 20 minutes
I am assuming you only turn the shower for rinsing off
I mean it takes time to lather soap and scrub what does she do in five minutes just stand in the shower and that’s it?
I didn’t even know 5 minutes shower were a thing it takes minimum 15 minutes idk how do people shower in just 5 mins
NTA as long as you’re not monopolizing the only bathroom for an hour every morning before school/work who cares how long your showers are?
Ah, an argument as old as time (or since indoor plumbing). Kids take long showers, parents don’t like that. If it’s a water usage/bill issue, then seriously try to shorten them. Otherwise just say you’ll work on it, and see if you can trim 5 minutes.
Compromise at 10 minutes
Most of these commenters are insane lmao.
If you aren’t showering for a minimum of 15 minutes, I doubt you’re thoroughly cleaning yourself. It takes me at least 20 minutes, longer if my hair needs to be washed. Wash my face, fully rinse, soap + washcloth on the hot zones, body wash scrub everywhere, rinse thoroughly. Then fully rinse out washcloth and loofah.
Keep doing what you’re doing. Instill some smelly malicious compliance if she keeps micromanaging.
NTA. Mom should spend more time in the shower. The older you get, the more important exfoliating is and it takes time.
20 minutes seems like a long time, but if the water isn’t on that whole time, maybe it’s not so bad? I do have to call bullshit on the 5 minutes. I do everything in the shower as quickly as possible, but I actually wash everything thoroughly (e.g. you cannot just soap and immediately rinse your armpits if you actually want them clean), and it takes me about 10 minutes. Maybe try being a little quicker in the shower, but your mom is dead wrong that 5 minutes is a reasonable shower time.
Occasionally I like to just stand in the shower and feel the water running over me- especially in the winter. It can be relaxing. But that’s like once a week – IF THAT. And that usually extends my shower to 15 mins from the normal 5-10.
Showers don’t need to take that long, they just don’t. 5 mins might be a bit short – I’ll give you that. But 20 – 25 isn’t necessary either.
NTA…..as long as you’re not wasting water.
I’m a female who sometimes likes to take slightly longer showers that include scrubbing, exfoliating, and moisturizing, but they do not take any longer than 15 minutes 🥲😭
My showers are 20 minutes. I have waist length hair so it takes a little longer. Then scrubbing, shaving, face, etc. So I don’t think it’s excessive. However, I don’t wash my hair every day so it’s much shorter when I don’t. People who say 5 minutes just don’t get it and are acting self righteous.
I can see your mom’s point if you were using all the hot water and someone else wants to shower. But I would think that’s pretty rare.
My showers are only ever that long if I’m ill or in pain and want to use the hot water to soothe and relax. Even when I shave my legs, I don’t take that long. But I also have extremely short hair and am usually running late. I think my usual morning showers are between 10-15 minutes.
I’m so weirded out by everyone saying they turn the water off mid shower.. ALSO, growing up my grandpa would take 3 minute showers because he was a truck driver and that’s what he was used to at the truck stops.. he was never clean after he got out. Still stinky every time. No way is anyone with any amount of hair and needing to shave legs getting CLEAN clean in 5 minutes.
If OPs mom thinks they’re jorking it in the shower and shortening the time will mitigate that… that can be done literally anywhere with a door. She needs to get over that and let this person wash their ass in peace.
I don’t think 20 minutes is bad. I mean if you let conditioner sit for a few, shave, exfoliate I can see how it could take that long. What is her issue? Water consumption? If you shampoo and condition your hair I feel like 4 minutes isn’t long enough unless you have short hair maybe. My hair is thick and long so rinsing conditioner out takes a minute.
nah if money isn’t the issue there’s nothing wrong with a long shower 🙂 20 minutes isn’t even that long. sitting and just thinking in the shower is beyond therapeutic. keep doing you, your mom was probably raised to use as little as possible etc. if you wanna get fully clean, 20-25 mins is completely reasonable 🙂
NTA, your mom is just being entirely unreasonable and should know by now that showers take time.
NTA who turns off the water when showering?? I grew up poor and still never did that.
Tell your mom that unlike some people, you need more than five minutes of foreplay.
I have never once turned off the shower when I wash. Ever. People really do that?
I don’t think 20 minutes is unreasonable. I like a nice long shower. I do think 5 is too little. You might need to compromise on like 10-15 minutes or something simply because it’s her house. When you have your own house you can shower as long as you want.
If I am actively rushing – not shaving, exfoliating, relaxing, etc – through my shower, I can do 10-15 minutes. Usually I’m in the 20-25 minute range. Why are there so many people in the comments thinking 5-10 minutes is normal and anything longer is “excessive”? Do I have to shave my head or something to get their timeline???
NTA
Is it the only bathroom?
I take 20 min showers once a week, the rest are 5 min.
NTA. Unless someone else is waiting to shower and you’re holding them up then this is absolutely not a big deal. I like long lingering showers, I totally get it.
Doing an everything shower every day seems excessive but you’re still NTA.
EDIT: These comments are batshit lmao, OP isn’t in an area with a water shortage or anything like that.
Greta, is that you??? I feel like this comment section been hijacked by environmental activists or something, LOL.
20 minutes is an incredibly normal time to shower and NO you don’t need to “take a navy shower” and turn the water off during scrub time.
Go let your yellow mellow somewhere else while the rest of us normies live hygienic lives.
How often do you wash your hair? When I wash my hair, a shower is often 20 min, but when I don’t, my shower is probably 10 min. A 5 min shower is really unreasonable.
Do you exfoliate your skin every day ?!! 🫣 (My sensitive skin is horrified ! Lol)
INFO: 20 minutes of water running or just 20 minutes in the bathroom?
My granddaughter takes at least an hour. Does she want to trade?
I’m interested to hear how people wash and condition their hair, and shave in 5-10 minutes.
Like you said you can turn the water off when the conditioner is setting and when shaving, etc.
But it will take more than 5 minutes.
You shouldn’t use too much water, and take others into consideration, but you seem to be doing that, so I don’t get the problem.
For everyone saying you can do that faster. Do y’all don’t know how to use conditioner?
Tell mom we’d appreciate it if she cleaned everything better LOL
NTA but your mom is unreasonable and won’t be convinced otherwise. It’s not going to help you to be right. If there’s anything you can do to either shorten your showers while still at home or ask other family members to intervene on your behalf, I think those are going to be your best options.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, best of luck 💗
NTA. I used to be the same because I hated being around my family so showers were an escape but then I’d get teased and questioned about what was taking me so long. Now that I’m grown I take like 15 minutes. I still take my time and enjoy my shower, I learned it only takes me like 10 minutes to properly clean myself, the other 5 minutes is enjoyment time. 25 minutes is probably a bit too long, but 5 minutes is very constricting and likely unreasonable.
Yeah no. Everything showers are 20 for me. Regular showers are maybe 10. I have long hair
NTA, just because she likes a short shower doesn’t mean that’s going to work for everyone else.
NTA depending on how serious you are about taking care of your hair, and it can be intensive if you really care for it, shaving, exfoliating, and washing can all take time. My hair wash days take about 30 minutes with the hair mask I use and all of the other things. Your edit says you turn off the water when you don’t need it, so who cares that you are taking care of yourself. You are allowed to have you time and pamper yourself if you want. It’s your body and you take as much or as little care of it as you like.
I was always told that the purpose of a shower is conservation over a bath. A bathtub holds 40+ gallons of water. A shower tastes 2-2.5 gallons of water per minute. My teen easily takes 10-15 minutes. showers and if she wants a long routine does a bath and rinses hair with a cup at the end.
20-25 minutes of running water is a very long shower, but this doesn’t sound like it’s about the shower at all. Your mom is controlling and this is one of the ways she’s trying to assert control.
My advice is to start to distance yourself in your own brain from her control. See her rules for what they are — her need and desire to control you. Let her think she’s controlling you by acting like you are falling in line on the unimportant stuff Do not engage emotionally. Meanwhile, keep working on the independence of your mind. Keep exploring ideas. Focus on the future. See yourself as a whole separate person who is temporarily in a shitty housing situation. You are going to get to move on as you age. Don’t waste time fighting an authoritarian parent on the small stuff. Focus your vigor on the important stuff you can control. Grades, college applications and financial assistance, cultivating a good relationship with a teacher and guidance counselor, learning about supports available when you turn 18.
NTA
NTA – my showers are 5 minutes, 15 when I wash my hair. I don’t shave.
Anything less than 30 minutes is a reasonable shower. My sister takes showers around the same length as you. I realize my showers are on the shorter end, especially since I dont wash my hair daily and I dont particularly enjoy standing under the shower when I’m not washing my hair.
I take 5 minute showers but that’s because I never do an everything shower. 5 minute hair washing shower. 5 minute shave shower. 5 minute actual washing shower. I hate doing it all at once because the water stops being as boiling hot as I want it before the end.
Anyway NTA I’d say “taking my time to make sure I’m actually clean”
Tell her you are masturbating and if she yells again youll start masturbating in your bedroom sound on and doors open.
NTA 25 min might be a bit longer than average but I genuinely have no idea how people actually take 5 minute showers, while managing to wash their hair, face, and body adequately… you need to let the soap rest on your skin for a second you can’t just rinse it off immediately
Btw that’s barely enough time to crank hog
NTA lol lots of people commenting here showing how unclean they are! (1) Five minute showers are not a thing. My husband clocks in at 10-15 minutes for washing his entire body, face, washing/conditioning hair, etc. Unless you are a literal infant with very little body to wash you are not getting clean in five minutes. What are you doing – rubbing a bar of soap over the top part of your body, letting it run down your body, rinse and call it a day? Congrats – you’re disgusting. (2) Who is actually turning the water off mid-shower? What is happening? I know no one who does this and we’re a pretty environmentally conscious crowd. That’s not a shower – that’s a punishment. Twenty minutes is not a long shower. These comments are insane. NTA
Even when my hair was down to my waist, I never took a 20 minute shower.
I trained myself many years ago to take a shower while listening to a certain song. It’s 8:37. Anything else seems like a waste of my time and water.
I actually shampoo my hair outside the shower. Condition the tips. I feel like my hair is more smooth because I leave the conditioner 10 min. My hair feels nice. Maybe try that but yeah 5 minutes sound extreme
NTA….but your parents house, your parents rules. Just suck it up for now.
NTA. 20 minutes is totally normal. WTF are these comments?
for me atleast,putting soap in my hair and body deffinalty take a good few minutes,more than 5 minutes. But i also suffer from sensory issues so whenever i put my head under the shower i cant leave it there for too long,i have to rinse a little,scratch my hair to move the soap around,rinse,scrach again,and do it again till the soaps gone,wich is like 3 or 4 times. I also somtimes shave in the shower wich deffiantly add up to a hour of showering
My first thought is your hair lengths – by any chance is her hair significantly shorter than yours? Long hair definitely takes more time to wash and a lot more to fully rinse, and then again after conditioning. I let my conditioner sit while I wash my body and shave, but that’s about the only multi-taking I can do in there.
NAH.
Everyone is different. It’s your private personal care, and she has no say on it.
Being mum, she can give you advise and ask you to conserve water (which you appear to be doing) but other than that. If you’re old enough to wash yourself, then you’re old enough to decide how to do it.
Might be worth unpicking why she’s so worried, though?
Ps.i raced myself once. A full body shower inc medium hair took 6mins when trying to be as fast as I could whilst doing a proper job.
Plus, considering washing just your hands after toileting is a recommended 2-minute minimum job. Is your mum ever clean? >_<
If she’s taking a five minute shower there’s no way she’s clean. Absolutely no way.
NTA. It takes me 15-20 for an everything shower and 10-15 for a quickie but I have short, easy hair and dont shave.
NTA
I take 10-15 minute showers and wash my hair and body every day. If I’m shaving it’s closer to 25. And I have hair past my ribcage. I think 20 min is a little excessive but if you enjoy being in the water then nothing wrong with that. Mine are only that short because I shampoo, put in conditioner, let it soak while I wash my body and brush my teeth, and then rinse and I’m done. Makes me question if all of her is even getting clean because my bald-ass husband usually takes 5-7 minutes minimum.
Learning about people’s weird shower behaviors in the comments…
NTA
But I’m learning that a lot of redditers have to be really gross.
I feel like a shower’s got to be at least around 10 minutes. Gives you time to wash your body and your hair, or shave, or whatever else you have to do and then rinse everything off. Unless you speedrun your shower, there’s no way you’re doing all that in 5 minutes, not in a thorough way anyway.
Nta, 15 minutes bare minimum is normal to do the whole routine.
Tell her you masturbate lol. She’s probably afraid of that
NTA. Ew. How is 20 minutes too long if you’re washing your hair and scrubbing your WHOLE body properly…
You’re pretty well off but only have one bathroom?
ESH
Mom is not clean in 5 mins.
You don’t need 20 minutes to get clean.
NTA, in my experience parents complaining about long showers being expensive don’t actually care about the money aspect, it’s some weird kind of control thing/easiest to complain about.
It takes 5 minutes for me just to saturate and wash my hair.
NTA
everyone here saying that more than 5 minutes for a shower is too much is definitely either a man or white🤣 if i’m just taking a regular shower (no shaving,exfoliating, or washing my hair), that’s still like 10-15 minutes. How you can effectively clean yourself in five minutes is beyond me. this must be the crowd who doesn’t wash their bodies with washcloths and thinks that soap water running down their legs makes them clean🥴
keep doing what you’re doing and i hope you can move out soon.
tell her you masturbate while you’re in there & see what she says lolol
Loooooooot of stank booties in this thread, telling on themselves.
NTA your mom is controlling and when youre an adult youre probably gonna stop talking to her if she keeps acting like this.
I used to take 15 minute showers as a teen. I had long hair that needed to soak im conditioner, and would shave my legs.
My mom without fail would yell at me for taking too long to shower every single time
she heard the shower running. Sometimes she’d just walk by, hear the shower, then yell at me that it had been too long. But she had only just walked by so couldnt have known how long the shower had been on!
In high school my brother had a girlfriend who witnessed my mother yell at me about the shower. She told me later that my mom was really out of line and that my shower lengths seemed “totally normal” to her. She warned me that my mother was really controlling and “didnt seem right.” I was young at the time so I just sort of shrugged it off.
I stopped talking to my mom when I was about 20, maybe 21. I couldnt do anything right by her. She needed to control every aspect of my life and would throw a tantrum if she didnt get her way. I had to write an apology letter to her for ~not being a virgin~ in college for christsake.
She ended up dying when I was 25. Most days Im more sad about the way she treated me than the fact that she’s gone. I figure Im better off with her dead. I go to therapy lots and grieve that I never had a supportive mother, rather than greive her actual death.
Five minutes? I have stupid-thick curly hair and it takes five minutes just to wet it enough to wash.
NTA
NTA. Your mother and some of the commenters are not cleansing properly often enough.
Yikes, you can tell what demographic follows this subbreddit. NTA. Showers always take me 20+ minutes. I have to rinse, shampoo, condition, exfoliate, detangle hair, rinse hair, wash body with body wash (shave also if you need), brush hair again and then I can leave the shower. I have short hair and when I had longer hair showers would legitimately take me an hour at least bc of detangling. Five minutes is not enough time to shampoo and condition while also washing every part of your body.
How are yall taking 5 minute showers?? Even if I only wash and condition my hair and wash my body that’s way longer than 5 minutes. The shortest shower I can possibly take is 15 minutes long
Your mom needs to back off and be grateful you’re taking care of yourself. It’s not like you’re wasting water.
NTA
Nta
How are you clean if it only takes 5 minutes? That’s disgusting maybe you could cut down on time to 15 but any less and you would get your stuff done. Shampoo, soap and exfoliating, that takes time not to mention double shampooing and conditioner your mom is ta
NTA, especially since you are turning the water off in between rinsing. It takes me at least 5 minutes just to wash and condition my hair, nvm scrub my body and shave my legs.
NTA. I would explain to your mom that you understand she is being responsible about water use and you don’t use more than 5 minutes worth of water. (Don’t mention it takes longer than that for the water to heat up)
Since her stated goal is that you don’t use more than 5 min worth, and you don’t, then what you are doing is technically none of her buisness. But since she doesn’t know how to shower you would be happy to explain.
Go fully sincere. She doesn’t understand skin care, has never taken a proper shower, you are concerned for her. Give an itemized list with time spent doing each. Make a spread sheet.
I suspect she grew up with a water heater that wasn’t big enough for the family or was attached to a well. When we visited my Gramma the last person to shower had a cold shower or you had to wait a couple hours for the water heater to fill. OR she thinks you are masterbating.
25 minutes is a tad long imo but 5 minutes is really short, especially if you have long hair. I can do 5 minutes if I’m not washing my hair, but if it is a hair wash day my showers are 10-15 minutes. If I shave my legs, I do it while my conditioner sits so my showers aren’t any longer
Maybe try to compromise with her and try 15 minute showers? You both would be adjusting your expectations by 10 minutes if you do that
NTA. Offer to pitch in for the water bill. But 5 mins is not enough for body shaving, soaking and rinsing, shampooing and conditioning (especially with long and/or color treated hair).
NTA.
Showering can be a way to unwind, as well. Not every minute needs to be productive. What you do in the shower is your own business. 20-25 minutes is normal, especially when you’re a woman with long hair and legs to shave, for example.
I hope your parents aren’t this controlling in all aspects of your life. If they are, solidarity. You’ll be old enough to leave and make your own life someday.
I seem to be an outlier here, but I have to take 10-15 minute showers daily (yes, it’s exhausting and annoying) because I keep livestock. If I don’t shampoo, and fully scrub down, then I’m just brining all the animal dust inside and into my bed.
I would say I only take 20+ minutes showers on days when I really need to scrub down, shave, etc. You could probably shave some time off your showers, but 5 minutes is unreasonably short.
NTA, but there’s room to improve.
NTA your mom just sounds like a control freak. Just say ok to get her to shut up and then do what you want to do.
NTA but only if you’re telling the truth and you really do turn the water off. Otherwise, 20 to 25 min a day is a lot of water wasted. You can also just turn the power lower so less comes out per second
I think a 5 minute shower is unrealistic unless you are bald and wash quickly.
Hair washing x2 and conditioning takes time.
This is a weird thing to make an issue. It’s not like you’re in there for 30 mins.
NTA
god forbid people enjoy the feeling of hot water on your body after a rough day. these 5 min shower people acting like it’s a requirement not a preference are crazy.
NTA. over 30 min is excessive. under is fine.
I used to have the same issue with my parents until I paid them $10/week just to stfu.
20 years later and I still adore shower time. It’s a guaranteed 20 minutes of peace without any disruption.
Unless you pay for the water and energy, then you are the AH.
NTA. It takes me 5 minutes alone just to wash my hair???
NTA 20 minutes is fine. Some people just want a reason to gripe.
In the 90s we were very much preached environmentalism at school and in children’s entertainment.
One of the very common themes is that showers should be 5 minutes to reduce damage to the environment.
YTA for killing the planet.
Just remember that so many people don’t wash their ass, legs, or feet. They just let the water fall. 15 – 20 minutes for a shower is perfectly reasonable.
NTA
NTA. You are being courteous with the shared space by confirming with others that they don’t need to use it knowing you’ll be in for less than a half hour. I find showers to be incredibly regulating/grounding, so take my time. I also have a nervous system condition that results in dysautonomia if I try to change sensory/temperature environments too quickly. Not everything needs to be rushed.
NTA. I am so weirded out by these comments shaming you for 20 minute showers lol. Even if I’m rushing, my faster showers take at least 15 minutes. A lot of people, OP and myself included, turn off the water while lathering and exfoliating, so this doesn’t seem like a water waste issue as much as it’s an issue with OP being in the bathroom for longer than her parents would like.
I highly doubt that any of you saying you only need 5 minutes for hair AND body are actually getting very clean lol
NTA showering with long, thick hair means it takes 5 min to rinse after shampoo and conditioner.
Your mom isn’t getting clean. She probably just washes her pits and bits and calls it a shower. I use an exfoliating cloth every shower and wash my entire body. My hair is thick and it takes time to wash my hair AND scalp. Then I need to rinse all the shampoo out. If I need to shave that takes even longer. I take about 20-25 minutes every day.
NTA
If this is the shared family bathroom then YTA for taking so long. Presumably you are living at home and under house rules and your mom has made clear her preference for shorter showers. Stop arguing with your mom!