I (39F) live in Utah and my mom (73F) lives in my childhood home in Long Island, NY. For backstory- this has been the hardest year of my life. I had a baby in November and got fired while on maternity leave (so we lost ⅔ of our household income). I then had to pull my older child from preschool and fire our babysitter because we couldn’t afford the childcare anymore. So I was 1 month postpartum without the support I thought I’d have. We then got hit with a few other unexpected bills. All of a sudden we didnt have enough money and we had no support.
My mom wanted to come visit to see the baby. I told her I didn’t want anyone staying at my house bc it was too much with a newborn and I didn’t want her to bring her husband bc I was breast feeding and I didn’t really want any men around. So she could come, but stay in a hotel. She didn’t come. She came to visit in April bc she thought I would be having a big party for my other child’s birthday and brought her husband. She never offered help or support of any kind and would say things like “you sound depressed.”
My mom recently sold her house and plans to move out here. I think it’s because she has no one to spend holidays with anymore and my husband has a very large, friendly family. My mom is not a nice person and she has alienated all of her friends and family. The only relationships she has left are obligatory ones (like children and a spouse). My sister and I moved out of the house and out of state a long time ago but both left a box or 2 of random items (tshirts, high school stuff, books etc) at the house. My mom asked me what I wanted from the house as she planned to take very little with her (She is moving into an apartment). I asked her if she was taking her photo albums containing all the pictures from my 39 years of life plus the time before I was born when my parents were first married. She assured me she was and so I just I said I wanted the things that belonged to me in the few boxes at the house. I spoke to her a few weeks later and she was throwing away/ giving away all kinds of valuable items that I could really use (tools, ladders, a shop vac, kitchen items, etc). She was in an absolute panic to clean out the house. I told her I could use that stuff and since she’s coming out here anyway why not give it to me. She blew me off and said she’s not bringing them here.
The next time I spoke to her she had thrown away 20 albums worth of photos, except for “the good ones” that she plucked out. I am devastated. I feel dismissed and like I don’t matter. She seems to have so little concern for me and my well-being. Everything she does is 90% selfish. This was the final straw and I want to go no-contact. I am so hurt by her I don’t think this can be repaired. Am I the asshole or Do I owe her a relationship after she has shown me time and again that she is only interested in her own happiness?
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I (39F) live in Utah and my mom (73F) lives in my childhood home in Long Island, NY. For backstory- this has been the hardest year of my life. I had a baby in November and got fired while on maternity leave (so we lost ⅔ of our household income). I then had to pull my older child from preschool and fire our babysitter because we couldn’t afford the childcare anymore. So I was 1 month postpartum without the support I thought I’d have. We then got hit with a few other unexpected bills. All of a sudden we didnt have enough money and we had no support.
My mom wanted to come visit to see the baby. I told her I didn’t want anyone staying at my house bc it was too much with a newborn and I didn’t want her to bring her husband bc I was breast feeding and I didn’t really want any men around. So she could come, but stay in a hotel. She didn’t come. She came to visit in April bc she thought I would be having a big party for my other child’s birthday and brought her husband. She never offered help or support of any kind and would say things like “you sound depressed.”
My mom recently sold her house and plans to move out here. I think it’s because she has no one to spend holidays with anymore and my husband has a very large, friendly family. My mom is not a nice person and she has alienated all of her friends and family. The only relationships she has left are obligatory ones (like children and a spouse). My sister and I moved out of the house and out of state a long time ago but both left a box or 2 of random items (tshirts, high school stuff, books etc) at the house. My mom asked me what I wanted from the house as she planned to take very little with her (She is moving into an apartment). I asked her if she was taking her photo albums containing all the pictures from my 39 years of life plus the time before I was born when my parents were first married. She assured me she was and so I just I said I wanted the things that belonged to me in the few boxes at the house. I spoke to her a few weeks later and she was throwing away/ giving away all kinds of valuable items that I could really use (tools, ladders, a shop vac, kitchen items, etc). She was in an absolute panic to clean out the house. I told her I could use that stuff and since she’s coming out here anyway why not give it to me. She blew me off and said she’s not bringing them here.
The next time I spoke to her she had thrown away 20 albums worth of photos, except for “the good ones” that she plucked out. I am devastated. I feel dismissed and like I don’t matter. She seems to have so little concern for me and my well-being. Everything she does is 90% selfish. This was the final straw and I want to go no-contact. I am so hurt by her I don’t think this can be repaired. Am I the asshole or Do I owe her a relationship after she has shown me time and again that she is only interested in her own happiness?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I took was cutting off contact. She threw away the photo albums and I stopped talking to her. A lot of people think I reacted too harshly or that I owe her a relationship because she’s my mother.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
YTA. If they were that important to you you would have gotten them years ago. It’s really not up to your mother to store all of that stuff until you’re finally ready to take it.
You may be mad at her for other stuff but it shouldn’t be for throwing away things that you and your sister both left behind and didn’t seem to have any urgency to collect. I don’t understand why this is your final straw.
NTA. If you don’t want to be around her right now, don’t be.
ESH. The photo album thing makes her an enormous asshole. Getting upset that she doesn’t want to haul her entire household across the country because there may have been things you’d have taken makes you an asshole.
No, you’re not wrong, you don’t have to put up with that, much less at this moment when you’re in a complicated situation. Yes, walking away may hurt, but many times it is the best thing, The family tree is also pruned
ESH you have no reason to be upset about the shop vac and stuff. She offered you said no, so she started getting rid of stuff. When you changed your mind it sounds like you told her well ill just take it, so bring it here, but she didn’t want to transport all of that, which I get. It sounds like she did save the boxes you specifically asked for.
The albums I get, but there can also be a gray area there. That one depends on the wording of that conversation and how clear you were that you wanted those albums. It sounds to me like you just wanted to make sure she would keep them and you could take possession when she dies.
Honestly, based on all of the extra unneeded info, it sounds like you are looking for the reason to break up with her. That’s up to you to decide based on your relationship.
YTA
Just because she’s your mom doesn’t mean she owes you free stuff, and if the hassle of lugging all that stuff out there wasn’t worth it to her, that’s her call.
YTA – it is expensive to haul things all the way across the country. It’s not as easy as just putting it in your car. Your mom would have to invite the shipping cost of all of those items whether that be by renting a huge truck and driving that distance or having a shipping company handle it. Both cost thousands of dollars. You are not entitled to any help with your children from anyone other than your spouse. The fact that you expect it is very entitled.
This post has whiny teenager vibes. You’re 39. Grow up and stop expecting your mother to accommodate you about everything. YTA.
NTA. I was no contact with my father when he died for many, many similar reasons. Be aware she may well attempt to move in with you, as well, it sounds like she’s hit the “you owe me” years, as I call them, where you’ll owe them for raising you and educating you and all the other non-existent contracts you signed when you were born.
YTA. You’re 39 and mad that your mom threw out things you wanted but YOU could have areanged all the packing & shipping if you wanted stuff. I hate when adult kids use their parent’s house as a storage unit when they move elsewhere. If these items were precious to you you’d have had them in your house already. Tools? Ladder? Shopvac. She’s 73. Should she have rented a uhaul and driven them to you in Utah? You’re the selfish one in the situation.
YTA because of reasons already stated.
That doesn’t really concern your general relationship with your mom tho, just this specific part. My mom kept lots of random stuff of mine, which I find really cute of her and it does make me happy seeing that stuff or sometimes picking up sth. I can still use. I always tell her not to do it just for my sake, if she needs the space, throw it.
All that said, from what you’re describing and also the one statement of your mom’s you mentioned, you’re probably in a pretty shitty place, so I’d say its ok to be a little bit of an asshole right now.
Gentle YTA.
It sounds like you’re having a really hard time right now and I’m sorry you’re going through all this.
It also sounds like you’re using your mom as a punching bag for a lot of misplaced frustrations.
Expecting your mom to have lugged things like a ladder and a shop vac thousands of miles is unhinged. She also made a point of asking you if there’s anything you wanted and you never mentioned those things.
I’m not saying your mom is a saint but it sounds like you’re taking resentment from past wrongs and wielding them as an outlet for your current frustrations, many of which have nothing to do with her.
The fact that you included all the information about your current mental state shows that you’re aware to a degree that you probably are just looking for any way to grasp some control in your life right now in a time you feel like you have very little control over anything.
It sounds like you genuinely need some support right now. Try to not to jump the gun with your mom. She’s offering you support and it would be a disservice to yourself to turn that down before she has a chance to be there for you when you very much need it.
Do set boundaries. Next time she tells you that you sound depressed, tell her, “If I was, do you think that would be a helpful thing to say to me? It’s criticism at a time when I really just need support.”
YTA: You are not a 19-year-old who has just left home. You are almost 40 and have not been living at home for a very long time. You have had plenty of time to remove your box of random items from her house.
While she was throwing out/giving away all kinds of valuable items that you could use, the whole point was so that she wouldn’t need to travel with them to her new smaller apartment. Bringing them to you defeats that purpose. She may also be limited by the amount of things she can physically bring with her.
She could have easily removed the photos from the albums and posted them to you. However, they were her photos to do with as she pleased. You have had decades to make your own copies.
YTA I feel like, just in terms of how you framed this story. I don’t see your mom doing anything truly terrible here, you only want to see her on your terms but she also should be giving you a bunch of stuff from the house she’s selling. Maybe you offered to get it yourself, doesn’t sound like it. You say your mom’s terrible but how do we know that?
ESH, sigh
I think it’s the “final straw”. It’s more than just he photos, it was the ultimate act of dismissal after a lifetime of OP’s mom showing she doesn’t care.
She has alienated everyone else in her life, and now she’s done the same to OP. It’s not wrong to choose to not get hurt by her.
But OP’s wording makes it… kinda miserable to read, so that’s the AH part.
You do not owe her anything. It is extremely hard to cut off relations with one’s mother, even if she is a raging narcissist and very hurtful, but having had a mom like this I am glad that I kept contact to a minimum. She’s dead now and I mourn the mom I never had, not the one I did. So sorry you’re going through all this.
NTA your mom sounds like a lot.
Going no contact with your own mother is immature. Get over yourself. She’s your Mom and you sound like an entitled child.
YTA. I’m not sure why you included the bit about her wanting to visit, you refusing, and then being mad you don’t have support, but that didn’t help the judgement for sure. So. Great addition.
But on to the actual relevant bits… You asked her to save a bunch of stuff you MIGHT need and haul it from Ny to Utah. Are you going to then take it to the dump when you realize just kidding I don’t need it? Did you offer to go pick it up and haul it yourself, or pay to have it hauled? I understand financially you probably can’t, and that sucks, but that’s not moms fault.
She said she was keeping albums, and she is. She just isn’t keeping 20+ of them. There’s no way, given your age, that all of those photos were necessary. I bet they were blurry, had fingers on the lens, dark room with a bright flash, etc. and if they mattered to you sooo much you’ve had YEARS to make copies and go through them. You chose not to, but now that mom needs to sort things to downsize and move you’re making it her problem instead of taking responsibility.
Your life is difficult right now and you’re looking for a person to be mad at to make yourself feel better. If mom has issues that’s fine, but to act like she’s a monster for rightfully downsizing for her move is wild. Get yourself together.
YTA. Your mom is 73 and you want her to pack all this stuff, in what? A U-Haul and drive it out to you all the way in Utah?! You should have flown out there if you wanted the things. She’s right to just pluck out the best photos, half those photos are shit anyway and within a generation all those people are forgotten. You don’t even know who they are.
I have a mom like yours, and with direct conversation she’ll be helpful eventually. You’ll probably hurt your feelings a few times as you learn this new chapter together in the end it’s probably gonna be OK. ❤️
NTA – my mom did the same thing to me. When I joined the military, even though she and I weren’t living together, she said she’d store all my stuff. Then she moved and my stuff moved with her. Okay, for the next six years, we just kept missing each other. I’d be somewhere I couldn’t take my stuff (barracks and the like) or I’d be able to take it but she’d have just moved and everything was in storage or moving (so she said). Finally we are both in the US and stable (if many states apart) and I ask for my stuff. I’ll come get it. I’ll pay to have it shipped. She puts me off time and time again. Not yet, not ready, I’ll do it. I don’t press super hard, this is stuff I’ve now done without for five years but I’d like my things back (including my high school graduation stuff, my yearbooks, my photos, my MEDICAL RECORDS). Finally I take a trip to literally get this stuff from her and she says “Oh, I threw that away years ago, i wasn’t gonna lug it around.” And my questioning why she hadn’t given it to me was met with the gaslighting of “you never mentioned it so I figured you didn’t care” but I had “the receipts” and showed I had emailed and such. Hand wave from her and a refusal to talk about it any more.
My mom also alienated people and wasn’t nice. So, yes, you are NTA for being upset. She could have said “I don’t wanna lug this around” to which you could have offered your suggestions of mailing/shipping/picking up/paying for storage or whatever. Or since she culled, she could have said, “I culled stuff and here are your pictures” (that’s what I did when I culled. Sent people in the pictures, the pictures) and handed you copies. But no, it sounds like she selfishly did what she always selfishly does.
So, you can totally go LC or NC with your mom. I think you have a “I have to let my mom be mean to me because she’s my mom” mentality going on, and luckily you can now learn this. No you don’t. You don’t have to let your mom do anything. You are an adult now and can heal and work on yourself and be a better mom to your child than she was to you. Use her as your bad example of what not to do. Good luck.