So I (18F) am a college student who started living in the dorms. While I still sometimes go home to do laundry, I am rarely home (I haven’t been home in three weeks). The main reason I live in the dorms is because I don’t yet have my license. (I have an auditory delay that makes it hard for me to react to any noise and it’s something I’ve struggled with for my whole life.) My parents and I don’t always see eye to eye and during my senior year we got into a major argument and they told me “Fine you wanna be an adult, you’re living in the dorms, and let’s see how you feel when you don’t have us to clean up after you”.
They pay for my dorm, however most of my tuition is covered by scholarships, and I have full coverage all the way up until my doctorate. They chose to pay for dorm living (I told them I had a plan to make it to class but they wanted to teach me a lesson)
So back to my story. When I first came home I noticed that the internet was blocked on my devices when I went to take a test. (This had only ever happened if I didn’t do my chores or we got into an argument) When I asked them why it was blocked, they told me it was because I hadn’t done my chores. These were my weekly chores (every week)
Clean bathroom
Yard work (clear the whole backyard of ANY leaves, sticks, rocks, (they are very strict about this))
Clean the downstairs cabinets
Dust every surface of the house (including fans)
Clean the laundry room (includes mopping, dusting, sweeping, etc)
Empty the dishwasher and drainer
Clean the kitchen
(I have a brother who I used to share the bathroom with who lives at home)(He’s also a freshman in college) and recently we got into an argument about the chores. Chores are due every Friday by 7pm, I get home at around 2 or 5pm, dinner is at 5:30-6pm. Meaning I have to do about three hours of work in an hour (family dinners are mandatory and I will be punished if I don’t eat with them)
I asked for an extension to 8:30 so I could actually do the chores, and they said it was the expectation of their support. I have no issues helping around the house, I really don’t, but it hurts when I’m constantly told “I have to give up my dream of starting my own business because of you.” Or “we have to love you, we don’t have to support you financially, your friends won’t be there if we cut you off and threw you out. Only family will, only we will” And when I just don’t have to time to finish all that work and my own school work, I get blamed. I just can’t help but feel bitter about the whole situation. I get they need help, I really do, but I guess I just wish they didn’t blame me for all their problems just because I had the nerve to be born.
And I got in trouble with them because I did the full dishwasher and went up to go do hw, and they yelled at me because I left some for my brother. When my older brother had a similar living situation, they didn’t make him do anything (of course he helped, but it wasn’t a threat or shaming him for being born)
*edit: I also have weekend assignments, so if I don’t do my chores, I don’t get internet connection for the whole weekend. If I sleep in and miss church, I don’t get internet connection.
Since apparently I’ve been very confusing, here’s the timeline of events.
I go to school, then I go home on Fridays (last time was 3 weeks ago)
So the whole time before that I’ve been going home to do
laundry.
Three weeks ago, my parents dropped me of off early because of a fight, and told me they “didn’t want to see my face”
And this week I was expected to come home. We were talking on the phone and I asked if I could stay this weekend because I didn’t want to be a bother and had an in person exam this Friday.
They got upset because they had expected me to come home and now they have to plan around me not being there to clean up.
Now I’ve made this post.
I should clarify I’m Hispanic and “just saying no” isn’t usually an option. Like I’ve said before, I have no problem with doing the chores, it’s how their language and attitudes towards any mistakes or wrenches ive apparently thrown in the plans they didn’t tell me about.
*Edit 2: I do want the people reading this to know I am very aware that I am extremely privileged to have parents who pay for me to live in the dorms (no matter the reason). That fact is not lost on me.
I’m so sorry if this is confusing, it’s like 2am and I’ve been up late working on a project due at 10 am. So my bad if my writing comes off as disjointed and messy.
Comments
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So I (18F) am a college student who started living in the dorms. While I still sometimes go home to do laundry, I am rarely home (I haven’t been home in three weeks). The main reason I live in the dorms is because I dont yet have my license. (I have a auditory delay that makes it hard for me to react to any noise and it’s something I’ve struggled with for my whole life.) My parents and I don’t always see eye to eye and during my senior year we got into a major argument and they told me “Fine you wanna be an adult, your living in the dorms, and let’s see how you feel when you don’t have us to clean up after you”. They pay for my dorm, however most of my tuition is covered by scholarships, and I have full coverage all the way up until my doctorate. They chose to pay for dorm living (I told them I had a plan to make it to class but they wanted to teach me a lesson)
So back to my story. When I first came home I noticed that the internet was blocked on my devices when I went to take a test. (This had only ever happened if I didn’t do my chores or we got into an argument) When I asked them why it was blocked, they told me it was because I hadn’t done my chores. These were my weekly chores (every week)
Clean bathroom
Yard work (clear the whole backyard of ANY leaves, sticks, rocks, (they are very strict about this))
Clean the downstairs cabinets
Dust every surface of the house (including fans)
Clean the laundry room (includes mopping, dusting, sweeping, etc)
Empty the dishwasher and drainer
Clean the kitchen
(I have a brother who I used to share it with who lives at home)(hes also a freshman in college) And recently we got into an argument about the chores. Chores are due every Friday by 7pm, I get home at around 2 or 5pm dinner is at 5:30-6pm. Meaning I have to do about three hours of work in an hour (family dinners are mandatory and I will be punished if I dont eat with them)
I asked for a extension to 8:30 so I could actually do the chores, and they said it was the expectation of their support. I have no issues helping around the house, I really don’t, but it hurts when I’m constantly told “I have to give up my dream of starting my own business because of you.” Or “we have to love you, we dont have ro support you financially, your friends wont be there if we cut you off and threw you out. Only family will, only we will” And when I just dont have to time to finish all that work and my own school work, I get blamed. I just can’t help but feel bitter about the whole situation. I get they need help, I really do, but I guess I just wish they didn’t blame me for all there problems just because I had the nerve to be born. And I got in trouble with them because I did the full dishwasher and went up to go do hw, and they yelled at me because I left some for my brother. When my older brother had a similar living situation, they didn’t make him do anything (of course he helped, but it wasn’t a threat or shaming him for being born)
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Obviously.
Unfortunately, as long as you rely on them for support, you’re subject to their rules. Maybe try talking to them about the deadlines being unreasonable while you’re in school? NTA
NTA
Ok your parents are emotionally manipulative, that’s abuse. You would be better off not going home at all and making plans fpr how to pay for dorm living if they cut you off. It’s beyond unreasonable to expect someone to do all of those chores in the timeframe the have given you, they are setting you up for failure and blaming you for it. This isn’t a normal situation, most parents are supportive and encouraging.
NTA but your parents are. They are making completely unreasonable demands while you are trying to finish studies.
I would suggest speaking to your university, they may have support for students in trouble – your parents are financially, emotionally and mentally abusive.
>While I still sometimes go home to do laundry
Find another way to do laundry, and don’t go home. Tell them you are too busy finishing assignments.
Can you pay for dorm yourself? And just move out.
I wouldn’t come back for the Friday dinner either.
Stop going home until they lift this ridiculous rule.
NTA, just stay in the dorms and go to a laundrette. When they ask why you don’t go home anymore tell them what you wrote here.
NTA
Your parents sure are. Pay attention to this section:
>”we have to love you, we don’t have to support you financially, your friends won’t be there if we cut you off and threw you out. Only family will, only we will”
What’s here is classical emotional blackmail and AH of highest pedigree. It uses fear, obligation, and guilt to manipulate you.
The “we cut you off and throw you out” is the threat. Obey, or no money!
The obligation is framed as “we have to love you” suggesting that their love is an obligation, and you should feel thankful for getting it. That’s not how love works!
The guilt part is blended in two parts. Claiming your friends aren’t there is an isolation tactic to undermine your willigness to get outside help. The “only we will” is an attempt to guilt-trip you to feel grateful that there is at least someone, the family, that looks after you. The same people who mistreat you act as they are your only option.
Look up Susan Forward’s FOG model for details about how emotional blackmailig works.
Since you have a scholarship, explore your options to live independently without your parents financial support. In addition, you might want to talk with a student counsellor about the situation back at home. You know, just to get a professional opinion.
NTA but I don’t see the problem of just… staying away from your parents’ house? I’m pretty sure there’s a way to do laundry at the dorms.
NTA
You might want to start thinking about using the resources you had planned on using. Your parents are being manipulative towards you. Dont go back home and find a way to keep living in the dorms without them.
Stop going home. Your dorm has a laundry room. Use that.
Have a plan for winter break. And for next summer. Can you enroll in a summer program that has housing? Work as a camp counselor or live in nanny? Move in with a friend? There are a lot of possibilities.
If there’s a school counselor i suggest asking for any support programs in your area to help you be successful and cut ties with your parents.
This story makes no sense.
Either you’re hardly ever there, or you’re there often enough to be doing tests and homework and having regular meals. Which is it?
Because you make it sound like you’re maybe there once a month to do laundry and then in the next breath it sounds like you’re actually there far more often.
The way that you describe this situation makes it pretty clear that you’re leaving out a lot, or trying to hide just how much you actually are at home. You can’t even decide what time you usually get there, 2-5pm is a huge range difference. If you’re getting home at 2, that’s plenty of time. If you’re getting home at 5pm and dinner is at 5:30 and there’s no way you can delay dinner, then it’s not.
But you make it really confusing and frankly that makes you feel like a pretty unreliable narrator.
When you have your own place one day, you’ll have to do ALL of those chores constantly. By yourself. With no help from anyone else, unless you’re sharing with a friend or partner. Even if you are sharing, you’ll still have to do heaps more than that list by yourself.
IF you truly are there once a month at most then that list does seem excessive and unreasonable to achieve in the space of a half hour. If you’re there more often, then it feels like you’re using ‘I have a dorm room to take care of, I shouldn’t have to do much here’ as an excuse.
Especially when you throw in the fact that your older sibling didn’t have to do anything.
I can’t even judge if the way they’re talking to you is unfair because you can’t seem to get your story straight.
So I’m going to go with ESH until you clear it up and make it make sense.
NTA, this sounds abusive. Threatening to cut you off and then saying they’d be there for you if they cut you off? Punishing you for not attending dinner but expecting hours of work before the meal? What are you, Cinderella?
Why do you even go home if you have a dorm? Find a laundromat or make friends with someone whose dorm has washing machines (assuming yours doesn’t.) Learn some simple recipes you can make in a student/dorm kitchen (spaghetti, peanut butter sandwiches, box mix pancakes.) Throw yourself into university life and don’t give them a second thought. Let them miss you.
sounds like you need to make a plan to pay for your own dorm and start using a laundry mat,
NTA. Just don’t go home.
Stop gong home weekends. Stay in your dorm and find a friend to spend holidays with.
Your parents are insane.
Stop going home and get loans to cover your housing.
Consider living on campus as a saving grace, not a punishment! There are plenty of resources to help college students who are not in the best situation financially. Reading your post honestly broke my heart and you know that you deserve better treatment from your family. Prioritize your school work and explore/enjoy campus life!!! NTA
your parents are emotionally and financially abusive, op. absolutely nta
NTA. Stay at school. When they come visit you, you can run them through their list of chores…
Do your laundry elsewhere. Only visit for meals, when you’re not too busy doing your laundry or living like an adult in dorms.
Start using a laundromat and don’t go home. Teach them a lesson
They’re setting you a toxic unwinnable test. You aren’t supposed to be able to win. The only way t win is not to play.
Don’t go home. Get loans. Get a part time job. Go to a laundrette.
Seriously, is this post for real!
What a load of tosh!
NTA.
You no longer live at home. Therefore, you are no longer responsible for weekly chores in the home.
Stop going home. Do your laundry elsewhere. Focus on school, not your parent’s silly mind games.
NTA. Your parents cannot offload their responsibilities on you, and they have no right to be mad at you for not doing the chores anymore since you no longer live with them
Nope.
Your parents are manipulative assholes and this is abuse. Hope this helps. No matter if you are Hispanic or whatever the fuck. Manipulation and abuse in its purest form. NTA
NTA. And yes, the word no IS an option. Find out how you can support yourself in college and stop going home until they get the message.