Long story short my partner and father of my 1 year old completely lost his shit the other night when I told him i wanted to get a pregnancy test. I was a few days late- nothing crazy but I got pregnant about 6 months ago and knew I could not have another baby. I had an abortion which he also wanted but made me feel like absolute shit when i expressed that even though I knew it was the right decision I was feeling sad. He was not supportive of my feelings and it was a lonely and painful experience. We honestly have been really careful since then and have taken measures to avoid another pregnancy but I have been paranoid that I might have to relive that experience. When I recently said I wanted to get a pregnancy test all hell broke loose. He yelled at me in front of our 1 year old saying that I must be lying and there’s no way I could think I’m pregnant so early and that I ruined the night. I tried to explain that I was just scared of the possibility and that it was probably unlikely but nothing I said could calm him down. I ended up getting my period the next day. It’s really just not sitting right with me and I don’t have anyone to talk to about it but I’m having a hard time making sense of it all. Am I the asshole?? Is he?? Should I have gone about this differently??
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Long story short my partner and father of my 1 year old completely lost his shit the other night when I told him i wanted to get a pregnancy test. I was a few days late- nothing crazy but I got pregnant about 6 months ago and knew I could not have another baby. I had an abortion which he also wanted but made me feel like absolute shit when i expressed that even though I knew it was the right decision I was feeling sad. He was not supportive of my feelings and it was a lonely and painful experience. We honestly have been really careful since then and have taken measures to avoid another pregnancy but I have been paranoid that I might have to relive that experience. When I recently said I wanted to get a pregnancy test all hell broke loose. He yelled at me in front of our 1 year old saying that I must be lying and there’s no way I could think I’m pregnant so early and that I ruined the night. I tried to explain that I was just scared of the possibility and that it was probably unlikely but nothing I said could calm him down. I ended up getting my period the next day. It’s really just not sitting right with me and I don’t have anyone to talk to about it but I’m having a hard time making sense of it all. Am I the asshole?? Is he?? Should I have gone about this differently??
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> I think I might be the asshole because i brought up a sensitive topic at the wrong time
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
You need a new partner.
INFO: Did you have to ask him because you have no access to the money, or he monitors your purchases carefully? It doesn’t affect the judgement or anything, but I’m taking a guess that there are more red flags here that haven’t been spelled out in your post.
NTA . Yet another idiot who knows nothing about biology.🙄
NTA. homie you were being cautious and looking out for your own health, especially after going through something heavy like an abortion. him flipping out like that is 🚩, especially in front of your kid. you’re not crazy for wanting reassurance he’s the one who made it a whole thing.
NTA
You do not sound safe with this person.
NTA but you man is 100%
Please please please contact your local Womans refuge, secretly, and start making a plan to escape. Leaving an abusive partner (which your partner ABSOLUTELY is) is the most dangerous time, and it sounds to me like hes about to get physically violent (he has already been violent to you, violence isn’t always physical.. and I wouldn’t be surprised if he HAD been physical with you) and you need to get out asap. Think about your baby pet, as someone who grew up with an abusive father, you absolutely don’t want that.
Aroha and Kia Kaha, please don’t hesitate to reach out if you need it. I’m in Aotearoa but I have contacts worldwide, and I’m good at finding things out, which also means they won’t show up in your history, and keep you safer.
NTA, a reminder to men, if you don’t want kids then cover it before sticking it anywhere, the shit we go through for birth control should be illegal
Also uh maybe consider breaking up if he’s yelling when he didn’t take responsibility and did the bare minimum which is using condoms
NTA
Ask yourself this: If your baby is a girl, would you want him to treat her like he did you? If your baby is a boy, would you want him to be like his father?
I am never quick to say this but you have to leave him. He left you alone during the abortion of your mutual child. That’s all you need to know about him to get out of this relationship.
Go for full custody of your child if possible.
NTA. Make a plan to get out yesterday.
NTA You poor thing having to go through a termination alone without his support. He’s an arsehole! This is a major red flag, you need to try and make a plan to move forward without him. He will never get any better than this. I am very sorry you are being treated like this.
NTA. I hate that he thinks you could magically probably impregnate yourself. And he sounds like he thinks that if you get pregnant it’s your fault but if you don’t keep it it’s your fault too but if you keep it and have the baby it’s definitely your fault and if you refuse to accept him with no protection then that’s your fault too, and you should totally change your entire body chemistry with chemicals to prevent pregnancy but asking him to temporarily wear a condom is too much… this is exhausting and I’m sorry you’re going through it. It also sounds like it’s been on going and it won’t end and like everyone before said, begin to make and exit plan for you and your baby and for the love of everything dear do not have a second child with this human.
Sorry I would have token my kid when he started going off why are you staying
NTA.
I have gotten pregnant twice while using BC. (First time broken condom + failed Plan B, second time IUD failure.)
My first boyfriend wouldn’t come with me to collect the Plan B because there was a storm, and kicked me out mid termination because my pain-induced screaming was distracting.
My now-partner has done nothing but hold me and wait on me hand and foot.
Hold out for better OP, it’s out there I promise.
Nta. You deserve better than this
NTA! I had my abortion a year back, and know exactly how bad it is for your mental health. I still cry about it sometimes. I got an iud directly after, which causes me to not get my period anymore, so I keep pregnancy tests on stand-by because I am paranoid too. Also, if you got an IUD like me, if you do get pregnant, it is way more likely to be ectopic which would need immediate medical attention.
All that to say: NTA, Please take care of yourself and have a good talk with your partner about it. He should understand that it’s just to make sure that it’s not what you both fear, even if it isn’t likely. No birth control is 100% safe, not even vasectomies.
NTA.
A few thoughts.
Your partner’s response is not normal/ok/healthy. It sounds abusive and concerning. Merely obtaining a pregnancy test from a store is not a big deal. It’s a small ask for a human, least of all from the mother of your child/ loved one.
Why do you need to ask him? Do you not have access to money? Or are you too busy or tired? Are you asking for permission or support? Bc if it’s the former of those things, this relationship is a massive red flag and a sinking ship. If it’s the former, and you just need your partner to act like a partner, he’s being an asshole and still needs to shape up. The flags are still reddish.
Unwanted pregnancies happen, even to those who prepare the most. Women get pregnant on condoms and plan B (condom breaks, plan B fails). IUDs fail. Even tubal ligation – yes STERILIZATION, which is a permanent/irreversible form of birth control, can have a 5 year failure rate of 5-8% in women ages 20-40 (higher in younger women). I can send you links to these studies (they’ve been done on tens of thousands of women) as proof. Some medications make hormonal birth control less effective (IUD and depo aside), and drs either are unaware or don’t tell their patients (seriously). That also means plan B (so ppl have to double up), which isn’t as effective if you’re over 185lbs (which even the pharmacist doesn’t tell you and should). SO. All that to say, it’s OK for you to be anxious, considering what you’ve been through. Life happens. None of this is on you. And your partner’s job is to support you. Not break you down or deplete you.
Consider this relationship carefully. Is this the relationship you’d want for your child? Is this what you’d want to model to them as they grow? Is this enough for you? If not, seek better. Please take care of yourself.
Doing everything you can not to get pregnant… So does that mean he was wearong a condom?