I bought a house and moved out on my own. (I am 31) and my nephew moved in a with me (he is 23) and he rents my spare bedroom.
We’ve been living together for 4 years now.
Within the last year he got a new girlfriend. In the beginning he was allowing her to sleepover 3 or 4 days at a time. This went on for about 2 months until I spoke up to him and mentioned I am not comfortable with people I don’t know very well sleeping over. And because she was coming over so often and the whole situation was making me uncomfortable I told him she is only allowed to sleepover once a month and I set limitations about noise after 9pm, and asked him to please let me know ahead of time (like 1 day at least) before guest come over.
I extend the same courtesy to him, but I am not as social or outgoing as him. I tend to be more interovereted in social interactions.
After that there were a couple more times where he brought her over to stay the weekends without letting me know ahead of time.
He was upset with me because I said he had to give me prior notice when he was going to bring over guests. He said I was being immature and this should not bother me, but it does.
I told him the problem was that I didn’t know this new person that was coming into my house. He insists that she is a good person and is cool.
AITA?
I understand I may be overreacting. I need outside opinions.
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I bought a house and moved out on my own. (I am 31) and my nephew moved in a with me (he is 23) and he rents my spare bedroom.
Within the last year he got a new girlfriend. In the beginning he was allowing her to sleepover 3 or 4 days at a time. This went on for about 2 months until I spoke up to him and mentioned I am not comfortable with people I don’t know very well sleeping over. And because she was coming over so often and the whole situation was making me uncomfortable I told him she is only allowed to sleepover once a month and I set limitations about noise after 9pm, and asked him to please let me know ahead of time (like 1 day at least) before guest come over.
I extend the same curtisoties to him, but I am not as social or outgoing as him. I tend to be more interovereted in social interactions.
After that there were a couple more times where he brought her over to stay the weekends without letting me know ahead of time.
He was upset with me because I said he had to give me prior notice when he was going to bring over guests. He said I was being immature and this should not bother me, but it does.
I told him the problem was that I didn’t know this new person that was coming into my house. He insists that she is a good person and is cool.
AITA?
I understand I may be overreacting. I need outside opinions.
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> I just want outside comments on a situaton I can’t seem to think through on my own. I have a situation where I am struggling and want to hear other peoples comments. I am dealing with an issue with my nephew and his girlfriend. My nephew allows his gf to sleepover often an di am unsure if my reaction is good or bad
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA it’s your house and you have every right to feel uncomfortable!
INFO Is he paying rent to share the house or rent a room ?
Info – Why can’t you get to know the girlfriend, if it’s just having a stranger over that bothers you.
Also, is there a lease and is he paying fair market rent?
NTA.
If he were living all by himself in a property you owned, paying rent and all the utilities, he’d have the freedom to invite who he wants whenever he wants.
But he doesn’t. You live there too. He just rents a room from you.
So as the live-in landlord, you have every right to set the tenancy conditions, and he is free to accept them, or to leave and rent elsewhere if he doesn’t like them.
He was upset with me because I said he had to give me prior notice when he was going to bring over guests. He said I was being immature and this should not bother me, but it does.
He’s wrong. This is your HOME. Your living space. There’s nothing immature about wanting to be warned in advance about who might be entering your home, and when.
He insists that she is a good person and is cool.
Irrelevant. She might be the best and coolest person in the whole world. You’re still allowed not to want her in your home.
I don’t think this arrangement with your nephew is working out. I suggest you invite him to seek alternative accommodation.
He will probably call you an asshole. You’re not. He may pull out the “But faaaaaamily!” card. Don’t let him play that one. Stand your ground.
UPDATE: Some commenters here are saying “He’s paying rent. He’s an adult. He’s allowed to form adult relationships with potential partners and have them sleep over. OP is being unreasonable to expect him not to.”
Of course the nephew is allowed to have relationships! That argument misses the point.
This is OP’s house. OP OWNS it, he LIVES in it, and he has every right to decide with whom and under what conditions he shares it.
And given that OP is an introvert, he has decided “Not many, and not often”.
The fact that the nephew pays rent for one room does not give him the right to override OP’s quiet enjoyment of his OWN house.
They are clearly no longer compatible as roommates.
Now, if this were no more than an incompatibility issue, my verdict would have been N-A-H. If the nephew had simply said “I don’t think this is working out for us any longer, OP. I’ll find another place to live”, and OP said “OK. It’s been a good four years, but I understand. It’s time for you to move on. I’ll look for another tenant”, still no assholes.
But the nephew called OP immature and said it shouldn’t bother OP. That’s where the nephew became the asshole.
Your nephew has rented a room from you for 4 years?
So your home is also his home?
And he’s 23, prime age to build a mature, loving relationship with a potential life-partner which could grow into a potential marriage or other stable relationship where he might move in with a SO, moving into a new phase of his independent life…
And you are only “allowing” him one sleepover a MONTH and he has to give you 24 HOURS notice? Yeah… extreme much. Geezer.
If I were him I’d be looking for a new place to live as that type of reaction would make me feel very unwelcome after such a long tenancy.
I am not saying you don’t have the right to make whatever rules you want in your own home… but common decency for a family member who has been a tenant for that length of time should deserve a little bit of compromise in my opinion anyway…
Something that at least takes him into consideration…
Info: is he paying market rent or are you doing him a favor?
NTA especially if you are allowing him to live with you rent free.
However if he is paying rent you two need to talk about a reasonable amount of time the gf is staying over. 3 to 4 nights a week is too much, but as a rent paying flatmate, once a month may not be a fair ask.
Were these limitations in place when he agreed to rent the room from you? If not, YTA.
NTA
Personally even if I was uncomfortable with it, I wouldn’t say she could only come over once a month. But it’s your house and you get to decide who and when people come in your house. You’re not being immature or rude, if he can’t respect that, then you might have to rethink your living arrangement
YTA he’s an adult paying rent.
NAH
It sounds like you two are incompatible as roommates (which is what you are if he’s paying rent). Either you need to come to some kind of compromise, or he needs to move out and find his own place.
You’re both adults. You should be able to have a conversation about this.
I’d say one night a week would be more logical. A Saturday night gives them pretty much the whole weekend. You don’t say there is anything stopping him from staying at her place the other nights.
If he’s paying rent YTA. He’s a Grown adult who is allowed to hopefully develop a loving relationship (and hopefully move out of your hosue). And as long as they treat the home respectfully there really shouldn’t be an issue. If he pays no rent then NTA it’s your house and your rules, he can pay rent somewhere and his girlfriend can come over then.
YTA because he’s paying you rent. At most, there should be a limit on the number of days for overnight guests, but an adult renting a room is entitled to have their SO sleep over.
Hahaha. All I can think is that old parent’s rule from decades ago. “If you live under my roof, you live by MY RULES!”
Your nephew rents – meaning he pays. He is 23 and should be able to bring his girl over. YTA.
YTA he’s renting. Not staying here for free.
“My house, my rule.”
He’s being a toxic AH.
Kick him out if it keep bothering you.
You’re worse than an AH. You’re a cock block
YTA. You are his land lord. If you collect rent he is free to do with his space as he pleases.
YTA. He’s renting the room and it’s the same person who’s in a relationship with him. You should really check yourself and your selfishness
YTA.
He should be allowed to have her over sometimes. If it becomes a regular thing, then you have a new roommate. And bills would increase. That could be an issue, but it she stays over a few times a month, I don’t see the problem.
Being uncomfortable might be a sign you want to live alone, therefore, maybe it’s time to ask your nephew to move out.
This is complicated. He’s renting a room from you, does this rental agreement entitle him to access to the rest of the residence, common areas, etc? Generally, renters are entitled to have guests without landlord approval in most circumstances. If she’s living there, or staying there enough to be perceived as living there, that’s a different situation and should be addressed.
YTA – he is an adult paying rent.
You’re not overreacting you’re absolutely in the right be careful who you let into your home is a victim of a home invasion robbery and you don’t want to happen to you
He’s paying for his space. Unless they are bothering you actively in your space, YTA
YTA Lighten up, he’s 23 and 3-4 nights a week is very standard for couples. If he’s paying rent he has every right to have his GF stay over. You are definitely over reacting.
You could ask for limitations but you’re asking for way too many. I wouldn’t want an extra person there three nights a week–at that point maybe they should get their own place. However, once a month with advance notice? You’re more than introverted buddy. In this case, YTA (but you could insert autistic instead maybe). How about once a week, anytime they choose, and it’s none of your business.
YTA he’s paying rent and not having guests over was not a part of the original agreement. It’s normal for leases to have a stipulation for how many nights a guest can stay over but once a month is insane. It’s typically like 1 or 2 nights a week.
You and your nephew should sit down and discuss this properly. Find a compromise you both can live with.
NAH but it is very normal for couples in their 20s to want to spend multiple nights a week together. Sounds like roommate incompatibility at the end of the day. It’s a sticky situation due to family ties and whatever the technical rental agreement is, but at the end of the day even if you were both renting together as roommates you do have a right to feel uncomfortable and to set boundaries, and the nephew has a right to also set boundaries or find a new living situation if the two residents aren’t able to compromise.
NTA.
He doesn’t like it, he doesn’t have to live there. Having an extra person around most 50% of the time is a big ask and he’s young and immature.
It’s wild you let him talk to you like that, tho.
i think you both have your rights and wrongs, on one hand he’s an adult and pays to stay, he has some rights to utilize the space he pays for how he wants and have people over, on one hand you own the place, and you have the right to the opinion over the whole place, i think you guys should be able to talk things out, maybe try to get to know his girlfriend that way you feel more comfortable since that seems to be the big issue for you, try to understand he’s an adult and deserves his freedom, but it is your house so y’all should be able to meet eachother half way
YTA if he’s paying rent. It’s reasonable to discuss a reasonable frequency of her staying over, but lording over him about terms he never agreed to isn’t it. Once per month? That’s ridiculous. I would suggest twice per week and have a conversation about it. He’s plenty old enough.
YTA. He pays rent man.
I think it’s complicated, but ultimately YTA. He’s paying rent and is an adult. I do think in any roommate situation there should be a discussion on guests and limits of staying over, but I think once a month and needing 24 hours notice are overkill. Maybe discuss together a limit of number of nights a week or number of nights in a row. I get wanting to be comfortable in your space, but it’s his space too. Also it sounds like they’ve been together going on a year. I’d make an effort to know my roommate’s significant other if I didn’t want to feel like there was a stranger in my home when he brought her over. It’s not like he’s parading a bunch of random people in and out. It’s his steady girlfriend.
Why does no one figure this shit out at the start of the living arrangement?
its your house but… as soon as you start charging the nephew rent, its his house too.
NAH just a couple of dudes who need to communicate more. Good luck, I hope you can come to a suitable compromise.
yta. he’s paying you rent. he lives there. he can have whoever he wants there!
ESH. I understand that it wasn’t an issue before he had this girlfriend, but you just changed the terms of your lease. He’s an adult renting a room in your house and should be able to have guests.
If the problem is that you don’t know her, why not get to know her?
He pays rent right? YTA
Yta. Seems like you could get to know her if that’s really the problem. Having roommates means having their significant others around a lot. And their friends too. If you don’t want your roommate to bring people over you should stop being a landlord.
YTA you sound jealous
YTA
Yta:)
YTA
NTA. Doesn’t matter that he is paying, when you live in the same house it’s common courtesy to let others know if you will have company unless they have their own entrance or do not share common areas. It’s not right to say, “No guests allowed” but it’s perfectly acceptable to set limits. If he does not like it or agree he is free to leave. He’s renting a room not paying half the mortgage.
ESH I think one might a week is a better compromise. My lease says that a guest for 3-4 days a week is too much
YTA. Paying rent comes with the implicit right to privacy within the space being rented.
He’s paying rent, he has every right to have guests. Just because you aren’t social doesn’t mean he needs to live the same way. If you’re too uncomfortable with it, then tell him that you don’t want to live with him anymore, and find a roommate that shares your proclivities.
YTA.
On paper, NTA since it is your house, but you are definitely suffocating to live with. Her sleeping over 3-4 days a week is excessive, but once a month is overkill. Your 9pm noise curfew is also a bit overkill(If you work early mornings and need to go to bed early I could understand, but give them at least 10 or 11pm max.)(24 hours notice is fair, so you get a pass for that.) I get that you don’t want strange people in and out of your home, but from your post, your Nephew has been dating her for at least a year now. That’s long enough for you to at the bare minimum acknowledge her existence. I get you’re introverted, but you shouldn’t allow that to stifle your nephew’s relationship. What if this is the only place that they can share a private moment just the two of them? Put yourself in his situation, would you feel this is fair?
You two need to sit down and hash this out like adults you are. It is your house, so your rules are final, but make them amendable so your nephew doesn’t feel to tip-toe around you being uncomfortable, but if not, your nephew needs to find his own place, but expect him to limit your familial connection to you moving forward.
If she is over that frequently, don’t the 3 of you spend time together to get to know one another?
I had a landlord that said he would make us pay extra rent if we had someone stay at the house for more than 3 days a month. Even family visiting from out of town. I thought it was absolutely stupid and it was definitely a way for him to make more money off us, but I think it’s actually a normal thing in a lease agreement. NTA.
For everyone’s sake he needs his own place.
YTA. He’s 23 and he’s paying rent. Allowing a “sleepover” once a month is ridiculous. He’s not a child, and he pays for his room. He’s an adult, he IS going to have relationships.
You’re 31 and even being an “introvert” are you not planning to meet someone eventually? You think any woman is going to agree to only staying over at your place once a month? Seriously?
Your a huge asshole he’s 23 and pays fucking rent…just because your anti-social doesn’t mean you get to police your paying adult tenant on being anti social also. YTA
YTA.
He is paying for the room. He is entitled to have whoever he wants In that room. Unless stipulated in the rental agreement no overnight guests- you need to back off. You can ask they stay in his room and not in the common living areas (duck move but you could try) but other than that- leave him alone. He isn’t a guest- he is a paying tenant.
He is an adult and pays rent.
NTA Reasons I will never miss having roommates while being the primary property owner/renter. Your nephew doesn’t seem to have much respect for you. Why would she essentially get to move in with no clear go ahead from the homeowner? If I am reading correctly, nephew is renting a room. Not splitting a mortgage. I would not be ecstatic about higher utility costs and having to go out of my way to “get to know” a squatter. There needs to be a sit down and full outline on what’s being agreed upon. If nephew won’t adjust, you shouldn’t have to sacrifice your space and peace of mind. He can leave.
People are saying YTA- but, really, not entirely. Rental agreements typically do have limitations on the number of nights per week and total number of nights per month a specific guest may sleep over. It’s typically no more than 2 nights a week. Roommates do have the right to not have constant guests- or they will sometimes split rent differently if a third person begins sleeping over frequently- that’s extra on utilities, for sure. YTA for it being 1 night per month. At 23, many people want to have companionship multiple times a week, lol! As far as after hours “noise,” a white noise machine in your room or noise canceling earbuds will help.
YTA big time, he’s an adult paying rent to live there. You allowing him to live their forfeits your right to dictate who comes into the house and when. Having a limit of 3-4 days a week is fine but once a month? That’s insane. It’s not fair to impose random rules once he’s already been living there. I suggest maybe trying to meet the girl if you’re so uncomfortable with it.
YTA, he is an adult and pays rent. He can have guests, especially a regular and predictable one like a partner. It sounds like he should be looking for another place to live. You aren’t his parent, you are a room mate.
YTA. Assuming that one night lasts for 8 hours, you’re essentially allowing him to have his girlfriend over for 96 hours per year. Do you tell him what to eat and wear and also when he’s allowed to use the toilet?
If he’s paying market rent, YTA. Roommates bring home lovers. I understand capping it at 2 nights in a row or 3 nights a week, so you’re not getting an unofficial roommate, but once a month won’t cut it.
On the other hand, if he’s getting a deep family discount I understand saying, “My house. This is what I’m comfortable with, but you don’t have to stay. I can give you a glowing referral if you need one.”
YTA. Get to know her. Set limitations on sleepovers but once a month is ridiculous. Are you sure you want a roommate? You sound like you are more of an introvert and want to be left alone.
YTA for sure
YTA
If her staying over is costing you money (increased water bill, etc.), I think you need to have a conversation with your nephew about a compensatory increase in rent, but YTA if you’re simply imposing this incredibly draconian restriction without having this negotiation.
If he doesn’t like the rules, he can find a new place to live.
This is why doing “favors” for family can backfire.
If his room has access to the rest of the house, then your concern is understandable. However, if he pays rent, then it’s his space.
The rules that you have laid out are only reasonable if you would’ve stated them before he moved in.
I think that for the near future, the reasonable thing to do is to try to figure out a reasonable compromise, one that favors your nephew.
Figure out a date far enough into the future that gives your nephew enough time to decide if he wants to live with you, and if not he can find a new place. That’s the date your rules go onto effect. He can accept them or more out.
If you have a lease, that will dictate the time frame. If no lease then I’d say 4-8 months.
YTA. Plain and simple. You have been allowing him to pay you rent and live in your home and establish himself there. If this agreement has a lease it should specifically set up rules for him, quiet hours, responsibilities, common rooms access, kitchen access, VISITORS, etc. …If you have no such agreement in place and you are attempting to enforce rules intermittently that fit your lifestyle that’s unacceptable.
While it is your house, he is essentially paying part of your mortgage. The trade off here is you have to sacrifice a reasonable amount of your comfort in exchange for money. Anybody that says otherwise is simply radical.
This reminds me of a very bad living situation I had with family (also no lease agreement just trust in word that kept changing for the worse) where I paid 40% of the house rent and got to use only one bedroom, couldn’t bring any guest over, definitely no sleep over with SO allowed, hard curfew of 11pm and couldn’t leave after 10, kitchen access shut off before I got home from work an hour away and shift wouldn’t end until 9pm 3 nights a week. Meaning no down time or dinner after work for me there nights a week. This situation with your nephew just brings back some stressful memories. Don’t be an AH!
It sounds like you either need to live alone or let go control of someone else that is PAYING YOU to live there.
Adult and pays rent? Yeah, you’re TA
You’re asking the impossible. Advance warning the day before isn’t always going to happen.
If they’ve already been together for a few months why not just get to know her? Be an adult and use your manners instead of putting in place ridiculous rules.
Sorry man, YTA
Yta, he’s renting, as long as they’re both respectful who cares
Yeah, you are the a-hole in this situation. He has been renting a room for 4 years. That says he pays his rent regularly. He is an adult. He should have the right to make adult decisions. If you were going to limit his guest privileges, it should have been in writing at the beginning of the rental period. Most rental agreements state guests can only be there 7, 10 or 14 days a month, depending on the lease. I can see charging more for utilities if she is there often, but 1 night a minimum is ridiculous.
24 hour notice is ridiculous. She isn’t a landlord coming in unexpectedly to do an inspection. She is his girlfriend. And from what you say, you don’t socialize much. How can she become someone you know if she is not allowed over?
This is going to hurt your relationship with your nephew. If I were him I would move out.
YTA … 🙄
NTA, he rents a room for himself. If his gf is spending 3-4 nights a week (156- 208 nights /year), she is using utilities, appliances, food and household supplies that neither she nor your nephew are paying for. Under tenancy laws she could easily claim tenancy, forcing the you, the home owner, to take legal action to evict her.
Why isn’t he spending the majority of his time at her place? If you are uncomfortable having her in your home, which is your right, it’s time to have a conversation with your nephew about him finding his own place to live.
Yeah, YTA. He’s renting from you. You can have limitations, but once a month isn’t even close to fair.
You didn’t get to know the gf after her sleeping over so many nights during a two month period? Did she not talk to you? Having her move from sleeping over to only once a month seems a bit extreme. I get not wanting there there 50% of the time. But once a month is extreme. I feel like there is an in between solution.
Yta he pays rent he can have guests. Now he may have been pushing it before, but having her over every weekend is not. You may own the home but it isnt just your home. You’re no better than a parent trying to control their child that still lives with them
YTA.
Info: does his lease state he is not allowed overnight guests? It’d be weird if so but if not I don’t see how you can stop a tenant from doing so
I don’t think you’re necessarily the AH here.
I’ve been through a lot of roommate situations, and ultimately I’m introverted in a similar matter to you so I tend to prioritize living on my own or with a partner who doesn’t enjoy a continual parade of strangers coming in and out of our home.
(Which is fine if people do! We all have different comfort levels and that’s okay, etc.)
I can’t really speak to the family dynamic here – but why don’t you level with him? Just say you know you’re pretty introverted and you’ve tried to be understanding for as long as you can, but it wears on you. Maybe try to problem solve with him a little bit? He’s 23, which is pretty young, but maybe try to give him a few options to pick from for solutions.
Maybe he might not be as argumentative if you intentionally make it seem more like a collaboration rather than approaching him as an authority figure.
Or he might be just as difficult to deal with, honestly. Depending on how things are with his gf, and how affordable housing is in his area, maybe it’s time for him to start seeing if moving out is a solution. He could maybe find someone else to share an apartment with.
Obviously if you need his rent each month to get by comfortably, that’s not much of a solution – then you guys might want to work on a schedule you can all agree on. Don’t know how big your house is and there’s a lot of things that are hard to guess here – does it feel like “their house” when she’s there? Do they dominate the space? Would it help if they mostly stayed in his room or other parts of the house? Maybe if one or more of you have predictable days off, try to build a schedule based on that.
If you’re always off on Monday and Tuesday, maybe label those as “No Go” days so you can chill in peace?
This is all written with the assumption that GF (and nephew) is more or less a good house guest and there isn’t a particular reason to be uncomfortable with her there – she hasn’t stolen, done anything wrong, etc. then that’s something entirely different.
YTA
YTA, maybe you need a new boarder , who has no social life and works night shift
I mean technically it’s your house your rules but this is an adult who shares a home with you not a child. If he has a signed lease he can do whatever he wants granted he’s not breaking the terms of that lease.
YTA, hes paying rent, not living in your home. This is his home too. Youre not in the position to be making these types of rules.
While it is your house, you have yourself not only a tenant but a long term roommate. Like you said yourself, you lived together.
That being the case, you will have to accept that if he has a girlfriend or just friends for that matter you should expect they will visit sometimes and the girlfriend a fair chunk of the week (be it a couple days or half of it or more) or that you aren’t built for a roommate. Not unless they don’t have typical relations of all sorts especially for a 23 year old.
There is another conversation to be had when it morphs into a third roommate but I don’t think you were close to that even if it felt like it relative to before he met the chick.
Y’all ought to break bread and/or have some drinks and properly meet, you may feel a lot better or at least fairly know she is not someone you are comfortable with in your home and give fair or even better generous notice that the arrangement is no longer viable because your expectations don’t align with that person having a fairly typical existence.
My grandparents often had company more than once a month and they weren’t even super social. Kid is 23, man.
YTA
If he pays rent, he’s a tenant w rights. If you don’t want people you don’t know in your home, you shouldn’t live w people who live a totally separate life from you
You’re over reacting. He’s paying for a room. The answer is to get to know her better, not to keep her out.
It’s your house if there is no agreement he either follows the rules or he can move out paying rent or not !! You shouldn’t have to feel uncomfortable in your own home … for those who say he is an ass hole you guys are probably horrible roommates .
What in the Sheldon Cooper did I just read
Sorry, yta, I think enough has been said on why
YTA, but your neuroses and hang ups are certainly yours to have, so it’s probably best if nephew moved out and you rent to a novitiate with a vow of silence.
It sounds like you’d both be happier with other living arrangements, but imo yes, you’re being dramatic about it.
If he pays you rent? YTA. YTBA.
YTA, you are the landlord and if you didn’t include this as a restriction in the lease, you are SOL trying to change the rules.