My SIL (43, F) and I (30, F) are both pregnant, due exactly two months apart. For context I am not close with her and only see her a couple times a year at family functions. We’re always polite and civil to each other but our personalities don’t mesh in a way that would form a friendship-like bond. She’s a chronic people pleaser/chameleon to my MIL who has toxic habits; she goes to great lengths to agree with whatever my MIL thinks or says, and can be very over the top with ass-kissing. I was once the target of my MILs toxicity, so I completely stay away from engaging in that type of behavior or any form of potential gossip.
I received a baby shower invite for my SIL and learned that it’s a traditional shower of women only. I really didn’t want to attend the shower due to not being close with her or my MIL, and I’ve never met any of her other guests. I’m not a super social person and the idea of sitting around for hours making small talk with strangers and staring at baby gifts makes me want to jump off a building. So what I did instead was book a baby CPR class that I’ve been wanting to do on that same day as her shower as an excuse not to attend. I bought one of the big ticket items off her registry and asked if we could get together for brunch, lunch, dinner, whatever so that I could still celebrate her and give her the gift.
SIL is clearly pissed. She took days to respond to my initial text about getting together and has been “busy” for the last couple weeks, her mood is also obvious bc of the tone shes replying to me in. I told her to let me know whenever is a good time for her, even during the week and she just liked the message with no response. I haven’t heard back from her in two weeks and her shower is this weekend.
I feel like although I’m not attending her event, I’m still showing up to support her in a way that I’m comfortable with. I think her reaction is a little overboard. Also, I don’t expect her to attend my co-op shower as she’ll have a newborn at the time.
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team
My SIL (43, F) and I (30, F) are both pregnant, due exactly two months apart. For context I am not close with her and only see her a couple times a year at family functions. We’re always polite and civil to each other but our personalities don’t mesh in a way that would form a friendship-like bond. She’s a chronic people pleaser/chameleon to my MIL who has toxic habits; she goes to great lengths to agree with whatever my MIL thinks or says, and can be very over the top with ass-kissing. I was once the target of my MILs toxicity, so I completely stay away from engaging in that type of behavior or any form of potential gossip.
I received a baby shower invite for my SIL and learned that it’s a traditional shower of women only. I really didn’t want to attend the shower due to not being close with her or my MIL, and I’ve never met any of her other guests. I’m not a super social person and the idea of sitting around for hours making small talk with strangers and staring at baby gifts makes me want to jump off a building. So what I did instead was book a baby CPR class that I’ve been wanting to do on that same day as her shower as an excuse not to attend. I bought one of the big ticket items off her registry and asked if we could get together for brunch, lunch, dinner, whatever so that I could still celebrate her and give her the gift.
SIL is clearly pissed. She took days to respond to my initial text about getting together and has been “busy” for the last couple weeks, her mood is also obvious bc of the tone shes replying to me in. I told her to let me know whenever is a good time for her, even during the week and she just liked the message with no response. I haven’t heard back from her in two weeks and her shower is this weekend.
I feel like although I’m not attending her event, I’m still showing up to support her in a way that I’m comfortable with. I think her reaction is a little overboard. Also, I don’t expect her to attend my co-op shower as she’ll have a newborn at the time.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Intentionally made plans on the day of my SILs baby shower.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
YTA
You deliberately booked something else, something you felt you could use as a genuine excuse to not go to this event which clearly seems important to SIL and she clearly finds your presence important as you were invited. That’s just a shitty thing to do. If you didn’t want to go, then have the guts to just tell her so. What you did seems kind of toxic to me…
You aren’t showing up to support her, because you went out of your way to schedule something else to get out of an event you thought you wouldn’t like.
You could have just gone to the shower for a couple of hours and then left. Why can you not go to an event where you don’t know most of the guests?!
NTA
Give space. Emotions and hormones are running high. She’s acknowledged via a like.
Go enjoy your CPR training. It’s super scary on babies but really important to learn the correct pressure.
Better than playing the stinky nappy game!
NTA…people have prior commitments all the time. You’ve made the offer, it’s up to her to accept or not.
YTA.
You made her shower and baby about you. You made an alternative event for yourself to give her a gift instead of just attending long enough to say “Congrats” and drop off the gift, sending the gift or having someone else bring it. You don’t get to try to make an alternative event when someone has already scheduled the event, even if it’s on a different day. She is preparing for a baby. She made her event for her and her baby when she was available.
NTA. And that’s a GREAT excuse to not attend. And you didn’t just purchase a $5 gift. You bought her a big ticket item off her list. Sounds like a win win. She gets a gift and you’ve solved the problem of having to hang out with her.
Info…is the SIL the daughter of MIL? or is she also a DIL to MIL? Doesn’t matter on my verdict just curious.
If she’s a daughter…well, apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. 😅
>I’m still showing up to support her in a way that I’m comfortable with
The whole event is filled with people you don’t want to be around, with the MIL being the chief suspect. Speaking of suspect, I’m sure your SIL’s disproportionate reaction is rooted in your MIL, whose hand seems to be in her back. Your MIL wants you to be there and is outraged you’re not attending, so your SIL is echoing her exact sentiments. The MIL probably sees it as defiance on your part.
..which in a way is more of a relief than anything. It means that your SIL probably isn’t really as emotional about this as she is letting on. Maybe after the shower passes she’ll click back into herself, once the MIL releases her steam.
NTA
INFO: what makes you believe that her reaction/lack of desire to make plans with you is because she’s upset about you not attending her baby shower? You don’t really see her as a friend and aren’t super excited to hang out with her. Maybe she feels the same way about you and just isn’t in a rush to get together because she doesn’t really enjoy your company enough to prioritize scheduling a 1:1 hangout? Pregnancy is a busy time and she’s farther along than you. Ask her if she’d prefer you just mail the gift, it sounds like neither of you really wants to see the other so that might be the happiest solution for both people.
NTA. Just because you’ve been invited does not mean you’re required to attend.
You sent a nice gift in your place. I think it’s unreasonable for your SIL to be mad about you not being there.
Seems to me she’s only upset because your world didn’t revolve around her for that day.
YTA. I’m in a similar situation but it is a bridal shower. I am still going to the shower out of support. Am I close to my sister-in-law? Not at all. The fact that you insisted on getting together with her to give her the gift, is weird to me too. You said you aren’t close to her but yet, want to meet with her in person? How’s that less awkward than going to the shower? I’m confused.
YTA.. cause you bought a big ticket gift, thus taking it off the registry, and are hold it hostage until she goes out with YOU to receive it, thus making it about you. You should have bought the gift, got it delivered to her house, and said sorry, I already have plans that day. What you did made it more awkward! You don’t like her or dealing with social interactions yet want to sit through a meal with her? That doesn’t add up.
Nta – honestly let her be miserable about that. Save yourself the issues and grey rock.
Go watch Shawna the Mom, she has some skits exactly like your in laws. 🫂
NTA. I’m baffled by the Y the AH remarks. It’s an invitation, not a summons. What sort of support does she need that’s so critical? OP has no moral obligation to attend an event with people she doesn’t know, with someone she doesn’t have a close relationship with, without tangible reason. If someone was having a health issue and needed family to pitch in, or actually needed TANGIBLE support, that would be one thing. This “not supporting her” thing makes no sense. She’s having a baby party, not storming the beaches. You’re doing the mature thing…making a personal choice, but still making a nice gesture with a generous gift and reaching out to her to do something personal. Yes, faking an appointment probably wasn’t necessary, but from the sound of it with MIL, it was a “liitle white lie” to be diplomatic. Hard to fault that. I’d really like to hear how you being there or not being there makes any real difference to the event or pregnancy, especially since you’re being overly thoughtful in your alternatives. I’m not even sure anyone’s taking it badly, you may be reading too much into her tone. Especially if toxic MIL isn’t said anything. She’s not an emperor summoning kings to swear allegiance before her. It’s not mandatory.
NTA My SIL makes up excuses to skip just about every family function. It’s much better than her attending. We’re to the point now that we take bets on what her excuse will be. You’re fine OP.
NTA just mail her the gift.
NAH. I get not wanting to spend several hours in a room with a bunch of strangers and people you don’t like. However, she does not need to make meeting you to get the gift and celebrate 1 on 1 a priority. If shes having a baby shower that probably means baby is coming in the next 2-2.5 months and she probably has plenty of things higher on her priority list than hanging out with someone who doesn’t like her and she doesn’t like. Just send the gift to her house, congratulate your BIL next time you see them, and forget about it.
YTA
Hey, an invitation is not a summons and you’re more than welcome to not attend for whatever reason. I just also think your SIL is allowed to think you’re being a dick.
You’re burying the lead. This is really about your husband. Traditionally, showers are attended by only women – including female in-laws and wives of male friends of the parents, with the men showing up at the end to help transport the gifts (although there are now also starting to be alot of unisex showers) – and since the couple are his people, it’s really about him. Unless you’re friends in your own right, your attendance and the gift would be representing both of you.
What is your husband saying about this?
You’re not obligated to attend an event if you don’t want to. But you’re not friends with your SIL and she’s probably aware of your attitude toward her, so why would you think she’d want to get together with you on a different day? Why do you find it surprising that she’s “busy”? What does “She’s a chronic people pleaser/chameleon to my MIL who has toxic habits” even mean? Is the MIL your SIL’s mother? If she’s a “chronic” people pleaser, that means she’s always like that, and that would make her not a chameleon. You keep throwing out insulting words about your SIL that don’t make sense. And if you hate baby showers so much, why are you having one?
YTA. Don’t be weird about this. You didn’t want to go, and you don’t value your relationship with this person, but now you’re offended that they won’t prioritize a one-on-one hang? Get over yourself
NTA. The only reason I can imagine why she would care is because her friends might comment about your absence. You don’t enjoy her company, and you’re not friends, so I don’t know why you would even want to get together with her. You could have her gift delivered and call it good.
YTA. You already admit you aren’t close and only polite and civil, why would you think she’d want to join you 1:1 for a couple of hours instead of just being able to be polite and civil for a brief interaction at the shower? Even if you went, you could have just dropped by, said, “Oh I hate I can’t stay, I have a class, please enjoy your shower!” gifted her, and gone on your merry way-whether you actually had a class or not. Instead you’re making it awful for both of you. At this point, just drop the gift off at her house, apologize for not making the shower, and stop trying to demand her time.