Am I the Asshole? My fiance keeps not doing the dishes, and I mean since Tuesday she has promised to to them every night. She does this often where she promises to do them and doesnt do them for a week straight. We have a gnat infestation that I keep trying to keep under control, it’s hard to when the dishes aren’t tended to that long. This week about two days ago (Thursday), she got a notice of termination from her work, so I know shes upset about so I didnt get on her. She promised Friday she would definitely do them. I woke up Saturday, still NOT done, I get angry, start doing them myself. Because if I dont the gnats will get worse, and there was no where to cook, dishes haven’t been done for almost 2 weeks now. She comes in says “Are you seriously doing the dishes passive aggressively?” I said, yes, because you promised to do them 5 days ago, and I’m angry, she says “I dont deserve to be treated this way” I after this try to leave and go somewhere else because I dont want to engage, she says I should’ve communicated nicely about my frustrations. Ive communicated nicely and its been ignored each time. This is an ongoing issue in our relationship, she says my disabled sister isnt doing anything, and she should get a break too. But it all gets left on me? I told her if the roles were reversed, and she was the man the woman wouldn’t put up with this. I would be less upset if this hasnt happened so many times. Im having to do the dishes 2-3 times a week, all on my own. After this debacle she has the nerve to say “You guys dont clean the kitchen after doing the dishes” and I said “You dont do the dishes at all!”. I just want some reassurance I’m not in the wrong here right?
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Am I the Asshole? My fiance keeps not doing the dishes, and I mean since Tuesday she has promised to to them every night. She does this often where she promises to do them and doesnt do them for a week straight. We have a gnat infestation that I keep trying to keep under control, it’s hard to when the dishes aren’t tended to that long. This week about two days ago (Thursday), she got a notice of termination from her work, so I know shes upset about so I didnt get on her. She promised Friday she would definitely do them. I woke up Saturday, still NOT done, I get angry, start doing them myself. Because if I dont the gnats will get worse, and there was no where to cook, dishes haven’t been done for almost 2 weeks now. She comes in says “Are you seriously doing the dishes passive aggressively?” I said, yes, because you promised to do them 5 days ago, and I’m angry, she says “I dont deserve to be treated this way” I after this try to leave and go somewhere else because I dont want to engage, she says I should’ve communicated nicely about my frustrations. Ive communicated nicely and its been ignored each time. This is an ongoing issue in our relationship, she says my disabled sister isnt doing anything, and she should get a break too. But it all gets left on me? I told her if the roles were reversed, and she was the man the woman wouldn’t put up with this. I would be less upset if this hasnt happened so many times. Im having to do the dishes 2-3 times a week, all on my own. After this debacle she has the nerve to say “You guys dont clean the kitchen after doing the dishes” and I said “You dont do the dishes at all!”. I just want some reassurance I’m not in the wrong here right?
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> Its within the post that I got angry and started passive aggressively doing the dishes
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Nah you not wrong man no one deserves to live with a sink full of science experiments while their partner keeps making empty promises its not about dishes its about respect
ESH. I was with you until you started talking to her and pulled the role reversal thing. She’s procrastinating and you’reletting it turn into a disgustingsituation just to show her?. And what does your sister have to do with anything?
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My fiancekeeps not doing the dishesJust want to revise this for you – you both keep not doing the dishes. You are both at fault for the infestation of bugs. This is unsanitary and you’re both at fault, not just her.
Yes, it absolutely sucks that she’s not doing what she said she would do. But that doesn’t mean that you should be leaving dirty dishes out for 4 days unwashed. That’s revolting and can cause more than just a bug infestation, It can also cause mould growth, which can spread and get into the walls. You could be making each other incredibly sick with this.
Clean the damn dishes, and if she refuses to do her share of the house work, address it by talking about it, not being passive aggressive and leaving an unsanitary mess behind. ESH
NTA. But you shouldn’t be considering marrying someone who can’t be relied on to be your partner. Love is working together and trying to help the other person out. Integrity, kindness, respect are among the foundations for a relationship and I find none of them.in what you just described.
NTA. You’ve asked nicely, been patient, and even factored in her losing her job. But weeks of dirty dishes leading to gnats is unhygienic and unfair. Doing them yourself after repeated broken promises isn’t passive-aggressive it’s necessary. Communication only works if both sides respect it.
ESH You both left five days worth of dirty dishes in the kitchen?!?! Holy grossness! Gnats are the least of your worries, mice, fruit flies, cockroaches, silver fish, etc. Neither one of you have an excuse for having a stand off about doing dishes while filth festers in your kitchen.
Your disabled sister isn’t doing anything? For real, she said that?
Why are you with this toddler of a woman?
ESH. You also refused to do the dishes even though it was becoming an issue with unhygienic conditions. I understand your frustration, but letting the dishes stay dirty was not the solution. Your girlfriend is playing you IMO. She promises but never does it because she knows she still won’t do it. She is just saying she will to shut you up. She did have a lot of gall telling complaining you didn’t clean the kitchen.
INFO: what is the general chore breakdown? You keep saying she isn’t doing the dishes so I assume this is “her” chore. So what are your daily chores? Do you do all of the cooking? Clean the bathrooms? Should you guys be revisiting the full chore list and dividing them done other way?
It is not about the dishes. It is about her not wanting to, not willing to, do her share, not respecting the home, you or herself. She is depressed, lazy, entitled. Doesn’t think she should do work around the home. that is why she brought up your sister, like a petulant child. “why do I have to help when your sister doesn’t “?. Promising to do them , not doing them ,then asking “are you seriously doing the dishes passively aggressively?” is just as passive aggressive. Telling you that you’ should have tried communicating nicely. What a AH. And then shifting the point,” well you dont clean the kitchen,” She is an immature AH. As you stated this is ongoing, and it certainly is a major issue. If you are even thinking of getting married, staying together THIS WILL BE YOUR LIFE!!
You could wash them yourself. These chores should be done to make yourself satisfied and accomplished. Waiting on someone else just create a bunch of angst for NO reason….speaking from experiece…
Cleaning is a habit, not a chore. Neither of you have learned this. ESH. Good luck.
NTA. All the people saying you are at fault for not doing the dishes too? What is that gonna teach OPs girlfriend? That she can lie and make empty promise but good ol BF will just pick up the slack anytime she cant be bothered to be a freaking adult? Stupid. You should break up though. No way to live and clearly she doesnt give a dang about it.
> she says my disabled sister isn’t doing anything, and she should get a break too
OK so NTA but I think you need to go back to this and pay way more attention to it. Your girlfriend is obviously feeling resentful about your sister and while this might not feel relevant to any individual fight about household chores it is relevant to the overall pattern of her pushing back on being asked to do things.
Does your disabled sister live with you? Did your girlfriend agree to this? Are you getting any kind of financial assistance for and/or from your sister? How much extra work does this add to the household and how much of it are you asking your partner to shoulder? Did she agree to this without realizing how much work it was actually going to be and she’s now stewing in feeling like you bait and switched her but doesn’t know how to express this in a reasonable way? How much work is she doing compared to what she agreed to? Compared to what she’d be expected to do as a fair third if you were all three equal roommates? Compared to what you wish she’d do? Compared to what you’re doing? Does she agree there’s a problem?
You gotta talk to her about this, because many of the answers could indicate a very serious long term incompatibility. You’re obviously in the right in the exact situation you describe but in the broader sense if you and she just factually disagree about how much work you’re each doing relative to what’s fair that’s fixable and if you have a deep underlying moral disagreement about what’s fair that’s really not.
NTA. But you gotta realise, you know this person, you know what to expect.
Either change yours expectations to prevent getting frustrated or change how you handle the situation.
Be honest but not judgemental, when she makes a promise say I don’t believe you because you keep letting me down, I’m asking you to please do it within the hour or I feel as though you don’t respect me enough to contribute to this relationship. I am your partner not your parent, and you make me feel like I have the role of the latter, if you really care about me please don’t brush me off.
NTA! You should be asking yourself should you be getting ready to marry this person. This doesn’t sound like a good start to a marriage that will last.
Nta and I would be wary of her around your sister. She’s obviously harboring resentment and could lash out if she hasnt already. This is your life now BTW she’s not going to help because you’re doing it for her
Can you guys discuss family chores? Maybe you two can swap a few things , so you do the dishes every day if she hates that and she cleans the bathrooms and floors , or some other task that takes similar time to the 30 minutes it takes each day to wash dry and put away the dishes and pots , wipe down the counters and appliances and sweep the floor . Not doing the dishes after each meal is gross, at least once a day is bare minimum.A week ? I cannot imagine .
YTA if you actually go forward with marrying this person. You are clearly not well suited for one another if doing the dishes is this big of an issue.
If you’re both working then the chores need to be equal, write up a chart for the week so she can see the equal share of chores. If she still doesn’t pull her weight then you’re NTA.
Everyone hates chores but we’d all be doing all of them ourselves if we were single.
I feel like your problem is deeper than just the dishes and I’ll be surprised if you and your fiance are still together a year from now unless you get therapy. I recommend you go even if she refuses.
How do you think a long term marriage with this person is going to work out?
OP, rethink this engagement. Wonder why your fiancee lost her job – maybe because they got tired of her procrastinating on her job duties – do you think?
This is a pattern that you are going to see for the rest of your life if you marry her. Are you willing to live with gnat infestations from here on out?
So I’m gonna assume this isn’t just about the dishes. It seems like you two don’t gel well together. You’re a doer and she just isn’t. How did she lose her job?
“I’m doing the dishes because you passively-aggressively kept promising to do them and didn’t”.