** edit!
I got a lot of responses! Thank you all. I’d like to add that im having a minimalist wedding. And the budget is 5,000$, and with everything I currently have, we are only using 4,000 of it. I am making pretty much everything myself (I’ve already started) but thanks to acouple comments I think I’ve realized it’s less about her actually helping but her showing she cares like she does for every aspect of my brother’s life **
My fiance (26)and I (24) got engaged 3 years ago. And I started planning our wedding right away as i was extremely excited. My mom has always been the 1 to try and one up everybody. So, not long after, my mom announced that her and her boyfriend were getting married as well (a boyfriend no one cares for because he uses her) . She instantly started just buying decorations, not actually planning her wedding , just chose her colors, which was whatever, cool. Great for you. A couple months after getting engaged, we found out that we were having a second child.We had 2 year old at the time. So we postponed our wedding and after a while, we ended up having to move out of our rental because the owners wanted to move in their kids so we bought our own house. Fast forward to now I am re planning the wedding for next year. My dad has already stated he wanted to buy the dress. My mom had said she wanted to help us pay for something awhile back. So I had asked my mom recently if she’d help pay for something. (Let’s add a bit of back story. My mom’s marriage never happened. We all knew it wouldn’t), but she recently told me, ” I can help u with cutting the cost of some decorations. I have so much stuff.” Don’t get my wrong. i do appreciate it, but it feels more like she’s using me to get rid of her stuff.
(An to also add She will buy my brother whatever he wants he just tells her, she has a very good job,)
So aita? Also, if I’m not, how would I go about asking her if she’d be willing to help with the deposit for the photographer so we can hold our day?
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My fiance (26)and I (24) got engaged 3 years ago. And I started planning our wedding right away as i was extremely excited. My mom has always been the 1 to try and one up everybody. So, not long after, my mom announced that her and her boyfriend were getting married as well (a boyfriend no one cares for because he uses her) . She instantly started just buying decorations, not actually planning her wedding , just chose her colors, which was whatever, cool. Great for you. A couple months after getting engaged, we found out that we were having a second child.We had 2 year old at the time. So we postponed our wedding and after a while, we ended up having to move out of our rental because the owners wanted to move in their kids so we bought our own house. Fast forward to now I am re planning the wedding for next year. My dad has already stated he wanted to buy the dress. My mom had said she wanted to help us pay for something awhile back. So I had asked my mom recently if she’d help pay for something. (Let’s add a bit of back story. My mom’s marriage never happened. We all knew it wouldn’t), but she recently told me, ” I can help u with cutting the cost of some decorations. I have so much stuff.” Don’t get my wrong. i do appreciate it, but it feels more like she’s using me to get rid of her stuff.
(An to also add She will buy my brother whatever he wants he just tells her, she has a very good job,)
So aita? Also, if I’m not, how would I go about asking her if she’d be willing to help with the deposit for the photographer so we can hold our day?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I fear that I’m not appreciating what she’s offered. Maybe I am expecting too much or am acting like an entitled brat. I feel so conflicted it makes me wanna cry. Should I expect more from her? i know she doesn’t have to help, but I don’t ever ask for anything. An to top it off I’m her only daughter an the only child having a real wedding and I’m the only one who has a long term relationship an I just felt like she’d be more willing to help like he had offered originally.. maybe it’s inconsiderate of me to expect more then just her unused fake wedding flowers
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
There’s no conflict to resolve here. Congrats on your wedding.
Dunno if she’s trying to get rid of her stuff, but its a bit much to call her a cheapskate even if she doesn’t have the money to help you
It doesn’t sound like your mother is the cheapskate, but you may be. You are a mother of two. It’s unseemly to ask your mother to pay for your photographer and if you can’t afford the deposit, you’re spending more than you can afford.
That said, of course you don’t want her old decorations! Just say No, Thank You.
I mean, no, your mom isn’t a cheapskate for not helping you with your wedding in the way you want her to.
> An to top it off I’m her only daughter an the only child having a real wedding and I’m the only one who has a long term relationship
And?
Tell your brother what you want and have him tell your mom he thinks she should buy it for you 😂
Ur mom IS a cheapskate but you are NTA.
Just say no thanks to the stuff she prepurchased for her non wedding, ask directly if she could help with photographer down payment, and accept whatever answer she gives. Ask for and expect nothing else. Plan your wedding within the budget you have and have a wonderful wedding, marriage, and future.
Did you ask her specifically what she could pay for the first time? Is there a chance she’s just suggesting this as an idea?
If she’s letting you pick through her unused decoration for stuff you’d like then it could be pretty helpful. Different if she’s trying to force you to use everything.
And you should just ask nicely about the photographer deposit and see how she responds.
One thing I’ll say is, you don’t have to have an extravagant wedding. I mean you can if you want, but there’s no reason to go all out if it will stress your finances. What matters is officiating the bond with your partner, having your loved ones there to experience it, and to enjoy the day. Your mom isn’t really obligated to help, even if she initially said she could a year ago.
You’re not an AH for asking, but you shouldn’t expect it either. You asked her once, she gave her answer. Either accept that, or don’t. Pushing for help beyond this is just going to lead to the oh so common “this wedding ruined my relationships” post in months to come. Have the wedding you can afford. If your mom can help, then great. If not, then don’t make a big deal out of it
Did you ever have a conversation the first time around about what specifically she was going to contribute? I actually feel for you. It’s the principle that she made a commitment to help you financially and now is not following through. I have a parent that is always making commitments and not following through and it’s hurtful. He was supposed to help me rebuild my deck as my birthday gift three years ago. Still waiting, probably going to hire someone soon. That said, if you didn’t iron out the details early on, it’s hard to hold her accountable to anything. My advice? Learn to stop counting on her for anything. If you expect nothing, she can’t disappoint you.
I’m guessing because you have your own household and 2 kids your mom considers you grown up. And you are. So she’s probably not budgeting for a wedding for you.
NTA: Yet. Ask what mom is able to contribute and just accept that. If she offers old decorations you want to use, use them. If you don’t want to use them don’t. It doesn’t sound like your mom has the money to help very much. So plan a more affordable wedding.
I think weddings are a giant waste of money! Save your money!!
NTA but I don’t suggest getting your hopes up. It does not seem that your mother is very interested in helping you out or supporting you. You can keep on wishing and hoping and getting disappointed. Or you can put your energy into people who are better for you.
I don’t see the problem. You thank her, and tell her you’d love to go through the decorations and see if there’s anything you can use, then you ask her if she’d be willing to help with the the photographer.
NTA.
Just say ‘we have decor all sorted and went in a different direction but would really appreciate the deposit for the photographer.’
YTA.
She’s the cheapskate but you’re expecting her to pay for things at your wedding?
Okay sure that makes sense.. /s
You are s grown woman with 2 children. Have the wedding you can afford. Your mother doesn’t owe you anything for your wedding. She offered you something you don’t want so say thanks but no thanks and move on. It’s ridiculous to see people who have been living together for years standing with their hands out for a wedding.
YTA
You could gush about how generous your dad is to buy the dress for you
If it’s going to be a strain financially, just elope. Weddings are such a waste of money.
YTA. The nerve to call your mother a cheapskate while actively requesting family members to pay for your wedding is astounding. You are a grown woman with kids at this point. Pay for your own damn wedding and if you cant afford it, wait until you can or elope.
YTA Anyone who thinks anyone else should help pay for their wedding is the cheapskate. The tradition of the bride’s parents paying for the wedding is dead unless there is wealth involved. My wife and I paid for our own wedding which only cost us 1000 dollars total and then you get money back through the gifts if you’re lucky. We spent 15k on the honeymoon. That’s where you want to spend the money. Your brother was probably momma’s little baby growing up so she favors him. I’m sure your dad may favor you. That’s how life is not fair but take what you can get.
YTA, why would you expect your mom to pay for something at all? You’re grown with 2 kids. She has no obligation to contribute money to your wedding especially when she has her own to pay for
I don’t understand big, expensive weddings. Work within YOUR budget or fucking elope. And elope means you go off on your own & DON’T invite 100 people to the damn courthouse to watch the clerk sign your marriage license!
YTA
edit words order
NTA, but I wouldn’t expect money from her either. If she wants to offer to pay for something, she will. You can politely decline her decorations if you aren’t interested in them.
I don’t know how much our father contributed to my sister’s giant ridiculous wedding, but I’m sure it was a lot. I also don’t know how much he paid for college and grad school. Uncle Sam paid for my education.
I paid $30 for a dress and my husband bought a keg of beer. It was a great wedding! We were already stationed in Okinawa, so went scuba diving for our honeymoon 😆
NTA for asking if she would cover something specific as long as you accept her answer if it’s no.
Hmm. NTA, but hear me out: have you considered that your issue could maybe be less about her being a “cheapskate” and more about your mom’s history of being a 1upper?
Honestly, if it were me, I would feel pretty weird about being pressured to use decorations she only has because she wanted to 1up you in the first place. I think realistically, it would make me feel on edge and anxious, like she might try to take over and make it about herself in some way.
I would simply say something like: “thanks so much for offering. I really appreciate you wanting to help, but I’d really rather pick my own decor out, so I can make this the wedding of my dreams. I’m so excited and I have so many ideas. If you really do want to help though, would you possibly be open to considering helping us pay for the deposit for the photographer? Capturing the memories of how special this day will be to us feels so important to me, and it would honestly mean so much if you could help us with that.”
Stroke her ego a bit, and make her feel like she’d be the #1 mom in the universe for helping you with the deposit.