My partner (33F) and I (39M) have a pretty great relationship overall but there is this one thing I have always not understood about her.
She has the particular thing on information about her. I know she once broke up with an ex because he read her medication schedule which was on her fridge. She strongly stands behind that he shouldnt have read that irrespective of it being on the fridge. Even though I strongly feel otherwise especially if he was someone you are seeing.
Anyway, today, her newly minted brother-in-law (he recently married into the family) texted me a baby pic of her, nothing innocuous, just a cutesy pic. I sent it to her and said awww who was such a cute kiddo…
She completely lost it and went at him for violating her privacy. I told her I get boundaries but I feel this is a lot and she then came at me and said oh she thought I was going to love her for her and she guess she has to change to satisfy me.
- I dont understand the over reaction.
- I find the passive aggressive response a little alarming
She continued passive aggressively engaging and I said I need a time out because I dont want to spew that type of engagement on any level.
AITA?
I get having privacy but it feels like she wants to control the narrative i know and see about her from only her.
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My partner (33F) and I (39M) have a pretty great relationship overall but there is this one thing I have always not understood about her.
She has the particular thing on information about her. I know she once broke up with an ex because he read her medication schedule which was on her fridge. She strongly stands behind that he shouldnt have read that irrespective of it being on the fridge. Even though I strongly feel otherwise especially if he was someone you are seeing.
Anyway, today, her newly minted brother-in-law (he recently married into the family) texted me a baby pic of her, nothing innocuous, just a cutesy pic. I sent it to her and said awww who was such a cute kiddo…
She completely lost it and went at him for violating her privacy. I told her I get boundaries but I feel this is a lot and she then came at me and said oh she thought I was going to love her for her and she guess she has to change to satisfy me.
She continued passive aggressively engaging and I said I need a time out because I dont want to spew that type of engagement on any level.
AITA?
I get having privacy but it feels like she wants to control the narrative i know and see about her from only her.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told her that her boundaries is a little too extreme, that leaves others walking on eggshells around her and that I wont engage in passive aggressive behaviour.
That might make me an asshole because her boundaries are perfectly acceptable and not unhealthy
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. I’d be wondering what she’s hiding. This is intense
NTA
NTA
INFO: Is your partner a Serbian spy whose identity could be compromised to the pig dog american government if you all aren’t more careful about what you just share about her? Could baby pics blow her cover? If so, kinda understandable yeah, but if not she is a wacky goose.
NTA. A baby photo from family isn’t some deep invasion of privacy. Her reaction sounds way over the top
NTA There has to be a reason behind this do you want to stick around and fine out what it is? Because expecting someone not to read something that is on the refrigerator is absolutely nuts. She sounds like someone you should run away from not towards.
NTA
I think she is either hiding something or has some condition she’s not telling you about. People just don’t respond this way.
Doesn’t sound like you were trying to cross any line it was just a harmless baby pic.
Her reaction seems more about her own deep privacy boundaries than anything you did wrong. You’re not the asshole, but it’s worth deciding if you can live with boundaries that strict long-term.
NTA. Your partner is alarmingly paranoid. She also sounds pretty manipulative because she’s trying to make you out to be the bad guy just for being honest about how you feel.
Innocuous is exactly what it was
Something is definitely going on.
So…eh. look, this isn’t about privacy. I’d lay money she grew up in a situation where people, parents maybe, told everyone everything about her. Things like telling her friends she wet the bed until an embarrassing age (“thats not so bad, when OP was ten she still wet the bed”) or divulging her crush to said crush when they met (“oh, YOURE, Johnny! You’re right honey he’s so cute. She has such a crush on you”).
Now she feels the need to shield her information from literally anyone because she didn’t get to control her personal information as a child. And family likely did it all the time because they like to laugh at her reactions.
I don’t think you did anything nefarious but her BIL she as hell did. Idk who thinks its okay to do that. NAH between you and her, you just need to try and understand the root cause of her caution. For the record, I went the other way with my similar scenario: radical honesty. Gell anyone anything, then nothing is a weapon.
Her bro in law is an ahole tho.
NTA. If she doesn’t resolve this you’ll be walking on eggshells around her forever.
Dump the psycho 😂 imagine how crazy she’s going to be when you’re married, almost guaranteed divorce.
Mental illness comes in all shapes and sizes
NTA
RUN, run now and never look back
Seriously though, she seems like she has a few issues to work through so it might be time to ask yourself if it’s worth your time and energy.
NTA! Reading her diary, checking her phone behind her back, and many other things are an invasion of her privacy, but a cute picture of her when she was little or even reading her med schedule on the fridge is not. Her meds need to be reevaluated for the potential side effects of paranoia. If they don’t have that effect, then she needs to seek professional help. If she refuses, you might need to call it quits. It will only get worse. Good luck
NTA. She isn’t going to change.
I am generally very private but her medication list problem as well as the total overreaction about the picture is very concerning.
These are the kinds of things you learn after some time dating. Now you know about this, you can try to have a rational discussion about it or just bail…… Good luck!
I don’t you can fix this. Time to move on.
NTA.
Updateme
Nta this is very odd
Sounds like mental illness of some sort, OCD, control issues, that’s not normal, no. It prob, unfortunately, will be a WILD ride if she’s not determined herself to continuously better herself. If she doesn’t even see the behavior yet as unreasonable/not the goal – well you’re starting from a far back place. You have decisions to make it seems. Shits hard. Relationships take constant committed work to have a good one. Good luck bro
NTA. Do you really want to spend your life tiptoeing around this person?
While it definitely seems like an overreaction for fudge notes or baby pics, stop and consider. How many ppl are comfortable discussing their meds en masse — even to those they know and trust — without the history or conversation. That info is for patient & medical provider only unless the patient decides otherwise.
I’m not convinced that your gf is whacky based on this but she may become so if you keep trying to prove her wrong.
But NTA for now.
And baby pics? No matter how adorable they were as a baby, many adults put a taboo on ppl sharing their baby pics.
My daughter disliked her earliest baby pics bc she had a full head of infant hair that was much darker than the color that grew in later. Pics after 1 1/2 yrs old she is OK with sharing but the earlier ones stay tucked away.
NTA
That baby picture isn’t private. It belongs to her parents, or whoever took it, and they can display it at their whim.
Your partner isn’t treating this rationally. Baby photos are for showing. What does she think they exist for?
NTA, privacy and boundaries are a thing, but with a life partner it’s hard to see why she is being so secretive and closed off. I’d want to know why? And her anger is totally misplaced.
NTA. This is absolutely ridiculous. You can’t read her stuff she refuses to read yours. If you two have children are you not allowed to read their medication as it would be an invasion of privacy?
I think she has a mental disorder. Paranoid behavior like this is very difficult to manage. Honestly…if she isn’t under treatment, you should leave, but you can’t exactly ask her if she is without her blowing up at you anyways so the only logical answer is for you to end the relationship.
NTA
NTA And don’t mistake “crazy” for hot and exciting…..
NTA
If her medication schedule was that private, it shouldn’t have been stuck to the fridge door in the first place. Her BIL (married to her sister) sent you a baby pic of her. Where the hell did he get the pic? From her sister (his new wife)? The BIL had no idea your GF was that sensitive about her baby pics being sent out.
I get not wanting boundaries crossed. Sharing of personal info about her without her consent is a boundary she can’t control until she tells everybody. Just by having to create a medication schedule tells me there is a lot going on with this girl. It could be a combination of both physical and mental. Without knowing what she takes, you can’t be sure her reactions are not side effects of the medication or what the medication is even for.
A conversation with her could possibly result in reactions you aren’t prepared for. Take it easy but not too easy. If those eggshells get too crunchy under your feet, you may have to let her go.
She must have ridden the short bus to school….
Medication lists should be available to everyone in the family and household. It’s just a safety issue. If something happens to you someone who knows your medical history will need to speak for you. She put in on the refrigerator in plain view.
It is a good idea to have medical information for everyone and the pets in a location and place for EMTs to access. Ours is in a labeled envelope by the front door. We’ve used it several times. It’s on a one or two page document with contact info, allergies, RXs and OTCs, previous procedures with dates, and medical professionals seen.
Crazy much
NTA she needs help if you’re going to be building a life with her.
This is definitely weird. If the relationship is making you happy generally, it would be worth having some open-ended conversations with her to ask why she feels so strongly about this. But her weird behavior here suggests some kind of mental health issue she has not yet learned to manage in a healthy way.
NTA she expects everyone else to tiptoe around her.
She needs therapy. I get having boundaries, but this is too much. If you don’t want anyone to see your medication schedule, put it somewhere only you can see. This is borderline mental. Being with her will make you resentful over time. If she refuses therapy, leave.
NTA… My wife is the same way… I’ve called her my imaginary girlfriend, imaginary fiancee, and now imaginary wife since it seems like no one is allowed to learn anything about her without her approval…. Hates pictures .. hates sharing information…. Gets all pissed off when my family casually asks about how she is doing or what she’s up to… Says it’s none of their business… Wouldn’t want me to say anything to anyone even if she got badly injured without her say so… Like yeah, I’ll just wait for your signal before I tell your mother your in a coma…
Anywaysssss…. It’s exhausting and I’m over it… I just share what I think is reasonable now… She can take it or leave it…
There’s always an answer. There’s a reason why she’s hypervigilant. She’s hiding something. She’s unstable at best, but this is a compulsion
Dump her. She needs therapy.