Me 39f and my bf 39m had our first baby 3 months ago. We’ve only been together a little over a year, and while my pregnancy was fairly uneventful- postpartum has been brutal on me and with this baby both being our first, we’ve had our share of exhaustion fueled fights.
I had to go back to work 3 weeks ago (he’s going back this week) working 3 twelve hour shifts in a level 1 trauma ER and our baby still isn’t sleeping through the night so I’m beyond exhausted most days.
Last weekend my bfs godfather came over to see the baby, and my son just wasn’t having it so while I was trying to calm him down and making a reference to how his temperament is just like my bfs late brothers (his family says this all the time) I fucked up and said the wrong name- his brothers name was Ricardo and I accidentally said Roberto…..I didn’t even realize that I had said that until my bf said “who is Roberto”
I apologized immediately and reassured the two of them it was totally accidental and that I was just operating with a tired baby brain, but the damage was done. My bf was pissed. So so so pissed to the point he barely spoke to me for the entire week. I tried apologizing more times throughout the week but it didn’t seem to help. I even tried to tell him how much the silent treatment was hurting me and that we need to figure out a way to communicate better when there’s conflict. Even with all that- he barely started normally interacting with me yesterday.
And then I fucked up again last night.
We co-sleep so I went to lay the baby down for the night with the intention of getting back up and cleaning up the kitchen after dinner, pumping and checking out my bfs back which he hurt earlier that morning at jujitsu. But I fucked up and fell asleep with the baby.
Fast forward to this morning, I’m getting ready for work and bring him a bottle for the baby and he snaps at me “thanks for helping me with the kitchen last night. I thought you were going to get up to pump” I apologized but he just scoffed and rolled his eyes.
Now here I am again, at work getting the silent treatment. I don’t know if I can keep doing this. I want my son to grow up in a home with both of his parents but it seems like all I do is piss him off and then I’m punished with stonewalling.
Am I actually the asshole in these fuck ups or is this man, in fact, the asshole?
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Me 39f and my bf 39m had our first baby 3 months ago. We’ve only been together a little over a year, and while my pregnancy was fairly uneventful- postpartum has been brutal on me and with this baby both being our first, we’ve had our share of exhaustion fueled fights.
I had to go back to work 3 weeks ago (he’s going back this week) working 3 twelve hour shifts in a level 1 trauma ER and our baby still isn’t sleeping through the night so I’m beyond exhausted most days.
Last weekend my bfs godfather came over to see the baby, and my son just wasn’t having it so while I was trying to calm him down and making a reference to how his temperament is just like my bfs late brothers (his family says this all the time) I fucked up and said the wrong name- his brothers name was Ricardo and I accidentally said Roberto…..I didn’t even realize that I had said that until my bf said “who is Roberto”
I apologized immediately and reassured the two of them it was totally accidental and that I was just operating with a tired baby brain, but the damage was done. My bf was pissed. So so so pissed to the point he barely spoke to me for the entire week. I tried apologizing more times throughout the week but it didn’t seem to help. I even tried to tell him how much the silent treatment was hurting me and that we need to figure out a way to communicate better when there’s conflict. Even with all that- he barely started normally interacting with me yesterday.
And then I fucked up again last night.
We co-sleep so I went to lay the baby down for the night with the intention of getting back up and cleaning up the kitchen after dinner, pumping and checking out my bfs back which he hurt earlier that morning at jujitsu. But I fucked up and fell asleep with the baby.
Fast forward to this morning, I’m getting ready for work and bring him a bottle for the baby and he snaps at me “thanks for helping me with the kitchen last night. I thought you were going to get up to pump” I apologized but he just scoffed and rolled his eyes.
Now here I am again, at work getting the silent treatment. I don’t know if I can keep doing this. I want my son to grow up in a home with both of his parents but it seems like all I do is piss him off and then I’m punished with stonewalling.
Am I actually the asshole in these fuck ups or is this man, in fact, the asshole?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Because I know how much his brother meant to him and I misspoke his name
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA but you prolly shouldve pumped, and also leave him
NTA your BF is acting like a child, silent treatments, getting upset for small things and taking it out on you. OMG he had to clean the kitchen cause you feel asleep from exhaustion with the baby. You didn’t fuck up and fall asleep, you just feel asleep from lack of sleep. Exhaustion is also mental saying a wrong word or name is par for the course. Short fuses are as well. You and your BF need to sit down and talk, having a small baby changes a lot and only gets worse as time goes on unless you can work together and support each other. Please look into some counseling and local support programs, even ask if family can help out a little with the new born to take some of the stress off. One thing I’ve always heard is co sleeping with the infant doesn’t work out for the relationship very much, you lose that closeness and usually don’t get it back. Get a bassinet/ crib. Don’t take my word alone for it. Go do the research and find out.
NTA but calling it psychological warfare is a bit much. Your two ‘fuck ups’ were not even fuck ups and you should t have to apologize profusely for simple mistakes. No one is perfect! If my math is correct you got pregnant almost immediately after meeting him so your entire relationship has been stressed with a pregnancy and newborn. Pregnancy and babies are HARD and can strain a rock solid long term relationship. I couldn’t imagine doing it with someone I barely knew. If this is his go-to for arguments and refuses to talk things out, this is not someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. I would start looking to dump him and work on successfully co-parenting because you cannot have a good relationship when one person holds grudges and won’t communicate
I don’t think you’re TA, no.
I want to give you bf some grace too though: you said the wrong name of his late brother, and you’re both exhausted, running on fumes. Lack of sleep can DRASTICALLY shorten everyone’s fuses.
If you can, reach out to a friend or family member to watch the baby for a couple hours so you both can recharge.
And, safety side, I cannot stress enough having the baby to sleep in their own crib. It will help you both get much better and consistent sleep.
NTA, your bf is acting like a child
NTA, he is, big time. The silent treatment is abusive, getting mad at someone who has just given birth and is breastfeeding is abusive, getting mad over honest mistakes is abusive.
If your parents live nearby (or your siblings) and they are nice, move in with them.
If your family doesn’t live close by, but will take you in, quit your job, get settled, and look for a job being a nurse in a quiet office or school.
Since your boyfriend is angry and abusive, have your family move you out while he is at work. Take every last thing that belongs to you. Use a flashlight to look under the refrigerator, a chair to look on highest shelves.
If your boyfriend agrees to go to marriage counseling and things improve, you can try again, but if they don’t, goodbye, boyfriend.
Raise your baby surrounded by love, support, and understanding.
Silent treatment is the worst type of emotional abuse that leaves the most devastating consequences. Either he needs to grow up and start behaving like a grownup or you should split up.
You didn’t fuck up by falling asleep. He fucked up by declaring that you’d fucked up. This is not on you. I am sure he is exhausted too. You’re in the trenches right now with a 3 month old. It is TOUGH. Communication and supporting one another with grace and compassion is the way forward. I hope he is able to be the support that you need and deserve
Those were very strong overreactions by your BF. NTA
Since you are in a very high demand profession, can you get a job where you don’t have to work 12s? I hated these in the military, and I didn’t have children.
NTA. Doesn’t seem cut out to be a father. But hey, needs to be said: that’s why it’s usually good to know someone a bit better / be together longer before creating a life together. Sorry.
NTA but this is what you should expect from someone who knocked you up on the first date 🤷🏼♀️
Honestly, it’s really hard with a new baby for both . But in this case his being a asshole.
You have high pressure job , sleep at its minimum…not much will be needed for things to turn explosive . The silent treatment is very immature.
Monitor things for a while and if it continues you have to make a desicion for yourself.
And lastly , I found the Roberto part hilarious…I’m sorry but I had good chuckle.
Best of luck
The silent treatment is manipulation, along with the passive aggressive comments about the kitchen.
He’s being the a-hole.
You grew and pushed a human out of your body. You deserve a lot more respect, help and love.
It’s not a huge deal you forgot a name. Honestly, if this continues … run for the hills. His reactions are brutal.
Hooo boy! NTA!
But, sister-friend, what were you thinking getting pregnant with someone you barely know? This guy is going to get physically violent once you do get married. You are just 3 months into this and have already had enough of his poor attitude. Rightly so. Just think: you’re going to have to deal with this yahoo for at least the next 18 – 21 years! 😱
I would make a plan to leave him while he’s away from the house. Even if you need to go to a domestic violence home. In fact, you can enlist the help of your local domestic violence center to make a safe exit plan and execution. The way he sounds, I don’t think he would be too bothered by not co-parenting. If there’s any way to do it, encourage him to give up his parental rights. But get out of there! Please believe me. I speak from sad experience. I’d hate for any woman to have to go through what I did.
Then get counseling for yourself. Long term counseling. Find out why you allow yourself to be the “fuck up” in relationships; why you think that you can fix them and love them so much that they’ll want to change because you’re so special. And address your other special issues. Fix yourself so you don’t select the same type of schmuck again.
You and the baby don’t deserve this abuse. It WILL GET WORSE!
Here’s wishing you the very best in life with love, happiness, and stability. 🥰
Your boyfriend is the AH and is acting like a big baby. I suspect he is just so immature that he is jealous of all the attention the baby gets. You need to muster up some self-respect and tell him to start acting his age. I suspect he won’t do it, so you’re going to have to decide if you’re going to put up with his untoward treatment of you or plan to dump him. He sounds like a jackass who is not ready for an adult relationship let alone being a father. You need to be a role model for your child. At a minimum, get some help. Even one evening a week can be helpful. You can use a mother’s helper, which can be a teen, just to keep an eye on the baby so you can do some other things. Also, stop apologizing. It’s demeaning and it does no good. If he is going to pout and not believe you where is the trust in the relationship? The more I think about this the more annoyed I get. Red flags are all around you. Get some help and all the best to you and your baby.
Well, it does sound as if you might have chosen poorly.
NTA but your bf sounds nuts. You should leave him for the sake of your baby
The way you frame these small mistakes as “fuck ups” has me worried that he is training you to see any error as the end of the world and you as a worthless person for daring to do something wrong. That’s incredibly unhealthy.
You are tired. Exhausted. So little things are big things. But it seems you are a bit over dramatic. The title….Psychological warfare, saying you fucked up instead of I made a big mistake! The name thing probably was upsetting to your guy and his uncle, but they took it too far in showing their displeasure.( they most likely found it really disrespectful)
And as others have said
THE SILENT TREATMENT IS A FORM.OF ABUSE!!!
NOT A HEALTHY WAY to show anger
It is so so manipulative, ABUSE!!!
If this is how he deals with being upset,and for a week
GTFO!!
You will be on tiptoes trying not to upset him. You said just when he was starting to talk ,you f’d up again.
This will be your life.
That’s a lot for just having had a baby. He’s an asshole. Take care of you and baby, please.