I’m a 37-year-old female who was recently diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. I’ll be undergoing an extensive and invasive surgery followed by radiation. My treatment and surgery are over two hours away, so there’s a lot of travel and logistics involved on top of everything else.
People have been asking how they can help, which I really appreciate. My close friend offered to make a Facebook post explaining that gas cards and food gift cards would be super helpful—mainly to cover driving costs and to support family members watching our kids (ages 10 and 7) while I’m in the hospital.
The post came from a place of kindness, but my mother-in-law saw it and called it “tacky” and “dramatic.” She texted my husband and me while we were away for treatment, saying she was angry about the post. She also messaged my friend directly to say she was out of line for posting it.
When my friend told her that my mom, sister, and I all knew about and approved the post after my friend asked permission, my MIL said, “there are two sides to this family.” She also told my husband and me, “this is not the [INSERT FAMILY NAME] way.”
To be fair, my mother-in-law has already been supportive financially—she helped us out a lot to offset the cost of me taking leave from work while I recover, which I’m very grateful for. But this reaction still feels hurtful and confusing.
Not wanting to add more drama during an already hard time, I asked my friend to take the post down. She did, without hesitation. But now I feel like I gave my MIL exactly what she wanted—control and silence—and I silenced someone who was just trying to help.
So, Reddit, I want to ask:
Is asking for help like that really tacky or dramatic—even considering the financial support my MIL has already provided?
Should I ask my friend to put the post back up, knowing my MIL will definitely see it?
I’m trying to focus on what’s ahead but juggling family drama on top of cancer is exhausting. Any honest advice or similar experiences would really help. Thanks for listening.
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Backup of the post’s body: I’m a 37-year-old female who was recently diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. I’ll be undergoing an extensive and invasive surgery followed by radiation. My treatment and surgery are over two hours away, so there’s a lot of travel and logistics involved on top of everything else.
People have been asking how they can help, which I really appreciate. My close friend offered to make a Facebook post explaining that gas cards and food gift cards would be super helpful—mainly to cover driving costs and to support family members watching our kids (ages 10 and 7) while I’m in the hospital.
The post came from a place of kindness, but my mother-in-law saw it and called it “tacky” and “dramatic.” She texted my husband and me while we were away for treatment, saying she was angry about the post. She also messaged my friend directly to say she was out of line for posting it.
When my friend told her that my mom, sister, and I all knew about and approved the post after my friend asked permission, my MIL said, “there are two sides to this family.” She also told my husband and me, “this is not the [INSERT FAMILY NAME] way.”
To be fair, my mother-in-law has already been supportive financially—she helped us out a lot to offset the cost of me taking leave from work while I recover, which I’m very grateful for. But this reaction still feels hurtful and confusing.
Not wanting to add more drama during an already hard time, I asked my friend to take the post down. She did, without hesitation. But now I feel like I gave my MIL exactly what she wanted—control and silence—and I silenced someone who was just trying to help.
So, Reddit, I want to ask:
Is asking for help like that really tacky or dramatic—even considering the financial support my MIL has already provided?
Should I ask my friend to put the post back up, knowing my MIL will definitely see it?
I’m trying to focus on what’s ahead but juggling family drama on top of cancer is exhausting. Any honest advice or similar experiences would really help. Thanks for listening.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
You and your friend should block your MIL on social media.
I hope your treatment is successful and you have a long and happy life.
You should go NC with MIL.
No NTA you should put it back up if you truly need the help who gives a crap what your MIL thinks.
Tell your mother-in-law that she is not the arbiter of what is or is not the way you will do things dealing with your medical situation, and that your friends’ generosity and offers of assistance are their business, not hers. If she doesn’t want to be helped when she is having a problem, that’s on her, but you are not restricted to her standards of propriety, and you are not going to take criticism from her during this time, you will not entertain her efforts to stress you out.
Wishing you all the best in your treatment.
The post should go back up and your friend can block your MIL. You can also probably make it so that she can’t see the post. You don’t need to address this with your MIL, but your husband should with a simple “noted”. There doesn’t need to be a discussion and nobody has to explain or justify anything to her. She can say what she wants but it doesn’t have to impact your behavior.
It’s clear that your MIL is more concerned about her own image than your well being. Her behavior is beyond selfish and insensitive, and it’s up to your husband to set her straight. If you want or need the post, then by all means put it back up. You can make it invisible to your MIL, but she’ll likely find out anyway. Right now, your family, especially your husband, should be focused on making life as manageable for you as possible. Adding more stress is simply deplorable. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through and hope your family will take a stand and no longer accept this awful behavior.
She’s centering herself in your illness. When you get diagnosed with cancer, people want to help. It’s a natural thing. Even if you didn’t need the gift cards, it allows people to feel like they’re contributing in some way as you go through this really difficult process. It also shows you how many people love and support you. She had no right to take that from you. She made it about herself, and prioritized “What will all the people whose opinions I care about think” over how you, the cancer patient, actually feels. In addition, she made you feel terrible and criticized during this already really scary time in your life.
I encourage your husband to talk with her and explain these things to her. This wasn’t her call. It wasn’t her business. And it wasn’t her place to contact your friend. I wish you all the best and a full recovery. Let people show you love in all the ways they can.
I don’t think it’s tacky at all. People want to help.
Have your friend post it long enough for MIL to see it and then everyone block her at once. So she can’t see anything anymore.
Best of luck with your treatment plan. Been watching my best friend go through breast cancer treatment and I’m in awe with how fast they move, how well they know how to treat a lot of cancers and how detailed planning for it is. Hugs
NTA.
I hope your treatment goes well and is an easy as something like that can be. You’ve got a lot going on right now and you need to focus your energy where it will do you the most good and that’s not on your MIL’s selfish interference. Block your MIL until you feel well enough to tackle her BS and tell your friend you’re sorry for catering to your MIL’s nonsense, that you truly appreciate her help, and she can put the post back up if she wants to. Then forget your MIL until you’re past this.
You’ve enough on your plate without MIL adding to it, pass the responsibility of dealing with your In-Laws to you husband.
When he speaks to his mom remind him to say that YES there are 2 sides to a family BUT neither of those are her side.
Then tell him to say that you appreciate the financial assist but it doesnt cover everything.
NTA People feel helpless in situations like this—giving food and gas cards make them feel helpful. Your MIL is wrong.
You have a husband problem. Didn’t mention him once and why is he not dealing with his mother?
And it’s people like your MIL who continue to be the reason we no longer have villages to help raise our families. In what world is asking for help tacky? It’s brave and it’s honest and it allows those people in your life who genuinely want to help you through a rough situation, help! If one of my family members or friends was in this situation I’d jump at the opportunity to help! Especially as someone who doesn’t know what to do to help and often feels like asking would make me more of a burden than a helper.
Block MIL and any flying monkeys who might forward it to her and let the post stay up! It’s great that she helped you, and I’m sure she feels a sense of pride being able to, so why can’t your other family members and friends who want to help, help too? Let the people around you who want to be there and support you do just that. It’ll help alleviate some of your stress and also allow those who want to shower you with love and well wishes do so.
Wishing you the best and a successful healing journey. ♥️
NTA, true friends want to help when people they care about are in need, it’s not tacky, it makes them feel better and legitimately helps you which is a win win. These types of acts of kindness and compassion bring people together and strengthen community, your MIL is a fool.
Nta. You have a village and they want to help you. That’s beautiful. Have your friend put the post back up and set her privacy to everyone but mil if she doesn’t want to unfriend her.
You will beat this cancer’s ass and live a long healthy life.
UpdateMe
I would ask your friend to repost it, as other have said friends and family often want to help but don’t know how. You have a long journey ahead so any support is going to help you. It’s not about her and her feelings.
Your mil is a fucking arsehole and I hope you ignore every bleat out of her when she inevitably gets seriously ill.
All the best for your recovery OP.
Never ever tacky. Not one bit!
Just because she helped she doesn’t get to tell your friend how to help you.
I say that to you as a MIL myself. I wouldn’t dream of shitting on my DIL’s bestie if she posted anything. I don’t get to tell them how to live.
More love and help is good while you are having a tough time. It’s good any time.
Your friend can either block your MIL from seeing the post or your friend can just tell people what you need if they ask how they can help.
NTA. I’m sorry you are facing such hard hurdles in life. Dealing with them requires a lot of energy which might be best to expend elsewhere. Unless your MIL is a real pill, I caution against going no contact right now. It’s always an option later. Your family system is very stressed and it is a time for graceful patience, with your relatives, immediate family, and yourself most of all. Unless she is a complete narcissist, your MIL’s reactive misbehavior was not about your post, but more a reflection of how she wants other people to view her family. In my family, the older folks called it ‘appearances’. It may be a generational, regional or cultural difference, but some find it very embarrassing to ask for help from outsiders (to the family). They think If one needs financial help, it should be handled privately if at all possible. As in, you ask for help first to immediate family, then aunts/uncles/grandparents/cousins, etc. If none can help, then you go to close friends, church minister and on outwards. A public request, or now a post, is something distasteful, as it means your a) family and friends are all quite broke b) they don’t want to give you money because you’re untrustworthy c) the family and friends are uncharitable people, or some other unfortunate reason. This is what I’ve witnessed within my extended family located in the US Midwest and South.
For now: Let it pass. It’s about her, not you. Discuss it with your spouse. Decide why and when you would need to set a firm boundary. And save your energy for more important events ahead. Best wishes for a successful surgery and restful recovery.
Block nasty as hell MIL!
Tell friend to put up a post that states if anyone would like to help you guys out to message friend and she will give details to them that way!
All the best for your cancer treatment and future!
People WANT to help. Just like she did. She needs to back off because if you don’t survive, everyone in your friends and family will wish they had done more.
And may you survive, thrive, and outlive your MIL.
YOUR cancer is not about your MIL.
NTA
Your MIL is mad because she wanted to be the go-to for all the help you needed. If you get help from others, you need her less.
Oh for crying out loud. Your MIL is creating unnecessary stress and drama into an already stressful situation. Shame on her! You will be needing all the help you can get, but that help will wane a bit as time goes on if you don’t have someone keeping everyone updated as to how you’re doing, and what help is needed at a given time.
Ask your wonderful friend to repost, and also block the MIL along with any of her flying monkeys.
And the only other thing you need to say to your MIL is how in the world did she think trying to dress you down during this time would be helpful?? Again, shame on her. And fuck cancer. We are all with you. Many blessings to you.
Your MIL seems to be much more concerned about her family’s image than what your needs are. I imagine she has delusions of being the matriarch of some dynastic family. “this is not the [INSERT FAMILY NAME] way” says a whole lot about how she sees herself and her family.
People like to be able to help when friends and acquaintances have serious problems. Posts on social media are the current best way to get that kind of word out. IMHO it is neither tacky nor dramatic. It actually gives us a chance to be the caring humans we like to think we are. Posting specific needs helps get the assistance where it will do the most good. Otherwise you may have 7 or 8 church ladies bringing a casserole on the same day when both of you are actually two hours away for your treatment. If you and your husband need the help, or just appreciate the thought, tell your friend to put the post back up but to block MIL on everything.
Cancer treatment is a lot more effective than it used to be. I hope your treatment is successful and you return to full health. I wish you healing and comfort.
Nope! That is exactly the kind of love and support you need. Block your MIL and carry on.
NTA and no, it wasn’t tacky. People need people, and when you have community and something awful happens, they want to rally, and they will ask. A post simplifies that and keeps that stress off you for her to organize that.
If your mil has issues with it, that’s her own emotional labor to do. I know she’s supportive financially, and I’m sure she feels like it’s some sort of statement that she isn’t doing enough. But again, her emotions are about her, and her’s to sort out.
I would absolutely want to know what I could do to make life easier for a friend to give them the best chance for a little additional peace in a time of difficulty. And I would NEVER think it was tacky to be asked for anything. No one is forcing anyone to do anything.
Because she’s helping I’m sure it’s difficult, but from now on I’d block/mute her and let your husband take over all communication with her. Don’t stress yourself out about people’s petty insecurities.
I wish you good health and healing in your future.
I would maybe talk to her.
For instance when my father got a cancer diagnosis, we got bombarded with people wanting to help. It wasn’t always the help we needed, more like “change social networks avatar to support tsunami victims” kind of stuff. Setting up something like this would have saved me a lot of stress because all those people would have an easy way to show support without actually getting too deep, they wouldn’t bother me with questions, and things would not get awkward when we asked them something that was too much for them (like talking to a dying man sigh). And they would get upset if we just refused too lol.
A post like that allows people to show support in a useful way and in a way they are comfortable with, without bothering you and getting upset themselves.
Your MIL has every right to run her family how she sees fit and so do you. You do what’s best for you and yours to survive and that’s that. She married into that family name so she can’t just claim it as hers n say this is the way we do things. You do what needs to be done,stay strong n I hope all turns out well for you and yours.
ESH.
The post sounds pretty tacky and I’m surprised everyone here is telling you otherwise. This may be cultural though. I’m from the UK. The post should have invited people to contact your friend if they want to know how to help.
However, what your mother in law did is also pretty tacky and rude. She should have kept her thoughts to herself. You’re dealing with a lot and she’s adding to your load rather than lightening it.
I hope your treatment goes well.